How To Cope With Being Ugly

[Dessert_All_Day]

I know this forum may not seem suitable, but you guys seem like intellectual people. Really the title says it all-how does one cope with being ugly knowing they are going to be looked down upon and disrespected by a lot of society?
I've read up on ray's stuff on learned helplessness--not really what I'm looking for though.

Just thought i'd ask.

Intriguing question and one that's philosophically rich.

First of all, a bit of a nitpick, but ugly people aren't really "looked down upon and disrespected." Sure, their lack of physically attractiveness results in many strangers being initially less friendly towards them, but that's surface level and understandable (it's as evolutionarily instinctive as smelling something foul and being repulsed by it).

Most good-looking people still respect ugly people and treat them alright after getting to know them. Even the most narcissistic and sociopathic of beautiful people still have an incentive to act decently towards ugly folks if for no other reason than to signal to others: "I'm so amazingly attractive that even this disgusting-looking freak can't lower my status."

As far as coping, it may be helpful to realize there are some major downsides to beauty. Not in the sense that "you should be glad you're ugly because it's so much better than being beautiful (after all, when you're young, being ugly sucks )," but more like "you can't help but have benefited in many ways from being ugly because beautiful people are living in a reality that is not necessarily better, but just very, very different; they're missing out on many potentially meaningful and fulfilling aspects of life which are more likely to be experienced by uglier folks." To give just a few examples:

(1) Beautiful people tend to have distorted interactions with others, for the same reasons as mentioned above; people like to engage with and be around beautiful people regardless of shared personalities, preferences, interests, deeper connection, etc. This results in it being harder for attractive people to find lasting "love" and "spiritual connection," as every relationship they have is artificially propped up by their beauty to some extent.

(2) Beautiful people will tend to face less adversity in general. This might sound good, but most people on these forums are probably at least somewhat grateful for whatever adversity regarding their health led them to come across Ray Peat and his breadth of knowledge. Without any adversity, there's no reason to really problem-solve and experiment and learn about subjects that will give you lasting satisfaction into old age when physical beauty is less of priority than, say, sustainable happiness and fulfillment.

(3) Beautiful people tend to be dumber. There are exceptions of course, but it's hard for this not to be at least generally true. Think about it, if you're beautiful, are you spending your time devising sophisticated methods to solve difficult problems in fields that require a high degree of intellectual rigor? Unlikely. You're probably hanging out on the beach or at clubs with other beautiful people because that would be far more desirable of course. Notice though, that in the long-run, such a lifestyle isn't necessarily objectively more conducive to one's well-being.

Good looks make for a different life and not necessarily a better one.

 

[Matt1951]

No 2-3s are getting married and having children with legitimate 7,8,9s.

Ha Ha! That is me! Have three wonderful children. The idea is to be strong - excel at your job; don't be a whiny wimp. In other words, be a leader, you will find women who are interested in you. Forget about your looks, and focus on what you have control of.

 

[Herbie]

Keep this in mind..

 

[REOSIRENS]

That's wh

Ha Ha! That is me! Have three wonderful children. The idea is to be strong - excel at your job; don't be a whiny wimp. In other words, be a leader, you will find women who are interested in you. Forget about your looks, and focus on what you have control of.

That's what I tell to my friends that are not confident with their physical appearance...well said man!

Stay fit ... Finish college... Have goals ... Be charismatic ... And most important develop human skills and values that are attractive to any human being...

Learned helplessness is actually one of the least attractive features of the human condition so positive pro dopamine ecosystem would be good...

 

[xiaohua]

I don't see any attractive features in Brad Pitt at all. So overrated. I cringe when people hold him up as some kind of blueprint for male attractiveness.

 

[REOSIRENS]

PS

environment plays an important role in success... Stay close to intelligent open minded and successfully charismatic people... Get in touch with different cultures and interact with people from all backgrounds and countries... Try to spend less time with superficial individuals(most of them have quite a lot of personality flaws and they just live for their superficial attractiveness...)

 

[Jsaute21]

You got dealt a bad hand and have to play from behind. That's just the harsh reality. I doubt you need to read any books. There's no pretending it doesn't matter enormously.

The only way to overcome the deficit is to impressively excel is some sphere. You're going to have to work a lot harder than better looking people to get close to the same level of social opportunity. Be that a renumerative career, music/arts, whatever.

The other thing is don't dress like a schlub. Be the best dressed and coiffed in the room. A lot of somewhat ugly people seem to take it as an excuse to stop trying altogether, which is a horrible idea.

Though some of these points I agree with, such as excelling in a sphere and working hard, I believe this attitude is unfortunate. Anyone who thinks less of someone because they are less attractive is an idiot. Some of the greatest men/women in history were very "unattractive" by conventional terms. Confidence is everything, and telling someone they are "playing from behind" due to being unattractive is terrible. I am someone who was born "good looking" and has had it be far too much of my identity for my entire life. We all have excuses/insecurities.

@rw39, @Constatine @DaveFoster @tyler are spot on that hormones do effect confidence as well as attraction from the opposite sex. Focus on making yourself as happy and confident as possible, and you will stop worrying about how symmetrical your face is (Waste of time.) Everything in life is dictated by how you feel about yourself. Don't waste time searching for validation from superficial people. They simply don't matter.

 

[Ideonaut]

Keep this in mind..

 

[Queequeg]

Lots of great pieces of advice and wisdom here. I just want to say to the OP that I ran across this thread a few weeks ago and I am pretty sure that you had a real picture of yourself up as your avatar. I meant to write something at the time but didn't have a chance. Dude, you are not ugly! You are actually rather good looking and in good shape and are much more attractive than many people out there. So assuming that was your real pic, your real issue is not your looks but rather your self-esteem and unreal sense of self. Maybe its kind of like an anorexic girl who thinks she's fat. Maybe you are going through an awkward phase and feel ugly but you are far from it.

 

[Gl;itch.e]

Ha Ha! That is me! Have three wonderful children. The idea is to be strong - excel at your job; don't be a whiny wimp. In other words, be a leader, you will find women who are interested in you. Forget about your looks, and focus on what you have control of.

pics or it didn't happen! ;p

 

[James IV]

I know it's been mentioned. But money/fame changes the rules. I've hung out at parties with this guy in LA. Girls constantly told me how "hot" he is. And trust me, he is an even more homely m***herf***er in person. So if all else fails, just get famous.

 

[encerent]

Get un-ugly with correct oral posture or orthodontic surgery

 

[Constatine]

Get un-ugly with correct oral posture or orthodontic surgery

I'm not really sure if correct oral posture does anything. Mostly because having bad oral posture in the first place is a sign of inflammation. Is it the posture or the inflammation that causes poor facial structure?

 

[Matt1951]

pics or it didn't happen! ;p

I will try to scan in a couple pics this weekend, of beauty and the ???.

In the meantime, do a web search of Christina Hendricks and her husband.
christina hendricks and her husband - Google Search

Here is another good article:
Why ugly men always attract the prettiest women | Daily Mail Online

Now that is not to say ugly men should only pursue beautiful women. A compatible woman with a good attitude is far more important.

 

[Jsaute21]

I know it's been mentioned. But money/fame changes the rules. I've hung out at parties with this guy in LA. Girls constantly told me how "hot" he is. And trust me, he is an even more homely m***herf***er in person. So if all else fails, just get famous.

This. If you focus on becoming the best version of yourself (Confident, etc.) success will follow. Success is attractive.

 

[opethfeldt]

This. If you focus on becoming the best version of yourself (Confident, etc.) success will follow. Success is attractive.

This. Focus on something that can be fairly easily changed. Improving your looks is hard and you aren't going to become good looking if you are genuinely bad looking now. Success can happen very quickly if you have a positive mindset and work hard. Likewise, becoming more successful will probably make you more attractive because those with higher status tend to have higher sex hormones and lower cortisol.

 

[xiaohua]

Material success may be important, but it's not everything. Get some hobbies (if you don't already), become an interesting person, actively engage with life. Don't try too hard in an attempt to overcompensate for your looks. It's obvious when someone is trying too hard.

Anyway, acne scars aren't a huge impediment IMO - better that than shitty bone structure or a serious deformity. I bet you aren't even ugly, your self-esteem has just taken a beating because you feel you're not as good-looking as you once were.

 

[opethfeldt]

Material success may be important, but it's not everything. Get some hobbies (if you don't already), become an interesting person, actively engage with life. Don't try too hard in an attempt to overcompensate for your looks. It's obvious when someone is trying too hard.

Anyway, acne scars aren't a huge impediment IMO - better that than shitty bone structure or a serious deformity. I bet you aren't even ugly, your self-esteem has just taken a beating because you feel you're not as good-looking as you once were.

I can relate to feeling much lower self-esteem after taking a fall in terms of looks over the course of a 2 year period. This was when I was into intermittent fasting and low carb. I'm finally getting back to where I was before that mistake. Mentally, I'm better than I was then because I'm still not as good looking but think more highly of myself. A lot of "ugly" people posting on here are probably just suffering from poor self esteem.

 

[rw39]

lets bump this since i'm depressed.

 

[Queequeg]

lets bump this since i'm depressed.

You may be depressed but you are not ugly. You had your pic up at one point so I know. Lifting weights is a good way to boost confidence, decrease depression and improve looks.