Picked On As A Kid/being Seen As A "weak" Individual

[MetabolicTrash]

When I grew up there were problems. I remember being seen as weak or soft -- easily a target at times. It was true that at times I did act weak or didn't stick up for myself, but how was I supposed to know how to not act weak then? It wasn't like I really had any proper push or such -- just felt a lot like I was a victim, even of those close like family. I'm not throwing my family entirely under the bus, but I do recall older relatives making fun of me and me crying definitely more times than one -- some events especially don't sit well with me, but I do not really hold grudges anymore and just try to move on.

I know that there was definitely some trauma, but can't really put my finger on any one thing -- just really a whole wide-spectrum of things and the sum of their presumed "effects." I remember specifically an instance where -- I was about 5 or 6 maybe -- I was playing around in a parking lot walking with my mother and just being a kid I suppose. I was joyous and happy at least when "coddled" maybe or in nourishing peaks -- that was around the time I started learning of video games and computers and etc. I remember that one day in that parking lot my mother grabbed my arm and yanked me angrily and said something like, "This is not a game!" My mood was instantly shattered and ruined -- and I can very clearly remember this day/event.

I'm not going to say that one event in particular was traumatic overall to some sizable degree, but there are a few of these "burned" memories that are very easy to picture in my mind's eye. I don't dwell on them or anything, but sometimes they do pop up and depending on my metabolic status and such the response to them can be different.

I think my mother maybe thought I was born "weak" or something and had to shield me and over-protect me, but at the same time this approach probably had some setbacks even if there were positives. I get the feeling that maybe being a "mama's boy" made me more of a target. Since my development was a bit "different" you can say from this (I felt different from other people often as a kid, even though at other times in childhood I felt relatable for some reason). I hated how I began to realize that being picked on was because I was too soft or weak, and didn't know what to do about it. Fight? Hurt people? Scream back? Then someone screams back louder? Then get punished? I mean someone has to get where I'm coming from here: as a kid you don't really have much resources so to speak for handling various things. I didn't have many friends ever really and was home almost exclusively most of my childhood. There was always so much stuff going on with family and etc. that is was always bustling and dysfunction even to big depths at times. I remember some events like a "bitter sweet" thing -- also some even possibly "psychosexual" triggers in development years.

What really grinded me was how ambivalent everyone was -- like I was expressive and had a certain "direction" or "insight" of seeing things while others just didn't give and were unamused. Even now it's like I sometimes have ideas that intrigue me, but feel like no one really "gets it" or basically cares. I am sure loneliness and depression were at least occasional staples growing up, but that was likely by design (i.e., you don't stay home nearly 24/7 without suffering the effects of the limitations and confines of being home all of that time). I even remember at times that I would maybe repel others as like a "protective mechanism" -- a way to "guard" myself? Basically you believe certain people must be "wrong" so they cannot negatively influence or hurt you emotionally/psychologically/etc. I do not see things so divided anymore, but can't felt but sometimes resonate with the same mentality -- shutting away the "wrong" or "damaging" and then feeling lost in where to stand because it becomes polarized.

It's like you don't want to "pick a side" but if you don't you end up drowning in between two ships in a sense, coming to the idea that sometimes not picking an option feels like you're missing anything at all. So really there is a confused or unaccomplished demeanor to how I can trust/see people. I've always felt like people in general don't really like me (upbringing probably has the most to do with this), even though I know to a degree this can't wholly be true as I have had decent/close bonds with people before.

I guess the whole problem is getting past the inherent feeling of not being "good enough." I can be objective more about it and forget any certain "expectations of some" regarding me, but even then it's hard to distinguish between not being "weak" and being "good enough for myself." Also, the correlation with all of such developmental mishaps/dysfunction and such plays perfectly in to the myriad of "metabolic disorders" that overlap psychological issues, namely driven as thyroid function and stress as just one point of view. I believe in some sense that my getting past issues is part mental and even part maladaptation -- which is like saying I've developmentally coincided with chronic stress that has been a "background noise" in all events throughout childhood from certain points on. By being "coddled" I possibly withdrew myself from "bad" things that maybe my mother thought she was shielding me from. I hated feeling weak, but didn't know what I could do about it. Now it's clearly different, but even though I know many things I can do about it I don't know what's best. I've thought of different environments, but that's an undertaking to just "change your life" one day to the next -- not by way of difficulty but the adaptation part being stressful and harmful.

At the same time we say to change things to help ourselves it's like the same things that hurt us are a part of us and banishing them is like banishing apart of you. Leaving a "bad environment" gives you a new approach/new novelty even, but how do you make the transition? It's like the abused partner mentality -- staying because they are accustomed to it and afraid to move on. Not that you're afraid of the person abusing, but afraid of leaving the arrangement that accompanies the abuse. I want to be "free" of any confines, but at the same time feel constrained because of things like not having enough money or etc.

Also, how "free" are you if you're stuck working non-stop to try and obtain "freedom" then? I mean I guess most people can maybe "suck it up" and become indoctrinated in to the 9/5 work life and then obtain money for said freedom/novelty, but I really can't manage seeing it that way. I cannot see myself as "free" because of constraints, but the paradox is that obtaining the thing to give you "freedom" comes with a regimen/construct of itself. Some apparently find the sense of wonder/freedom/"true choice" without money -- I probably could too and will at some point, yeah. I guess the real issue is just how you find freedom of choice and circumstances without thinking about money and confines of some sort that supposedly give you that "freedom" anyways.

I can't see myself as someone who works "just to work" or etc. The singular "job" entails more than just work -- like stated it's a construct. The "work life" has some bit of social rules people say, along with dress code, "rules" or policies and so on. You are not assigning yourself to freedom if you're right away determining what "rules and regulations" you must follow for another person for a significant portion of your time in exchange for money. For that "arrangement" it would cost more than money -- more like the value of what I believe enlightenment costs. No, I am not strictly "anti-work" but have heard of an actual "movement" of sorts that I kind of agree with. Since so many people are valued by what they do/their "role" or position it's hard to not fall between the cracks when you're not recruited in to the "norms" of society in a specific fashion. I don't believe fakeness on my part helps anyone, including myself. I could not be fake or a bold-faced liar for the sake of a small check in exchange for fitting any expected molds of characterization or behavior/beliefs -- the tradeoff is much more than money can make up for. I guess some people just falls through the cracks no matter what, but it's really about how you see things and yourself and what you decide for yourself in how you look, act, and strive in the grand scheme of things.

In other words it's probably better to allow yourself to be "abnormal" and fall through the cracks if it's the best resolution for yourself and others, as pretending you belong in a place you're not entirely comfortable in doesn't likely do you or any others much good in a prosocial sense. You might have to look beyond just the "norm" sometimes if you want to really see what institution of beliefs you really stand for and why -- and at times even who you really are or want to be.

On final closing words on "money issues" I guess it depends on how you view your freedom. In a capitalistic society many would see a contradiction between freedom and a lack of financial resources, but some people seem to reach their ideal place without needing much money. Even if you did achieve money it is no guarantee you're always going to achieve the freedom you want/lack of stress/sense of purpose/etc. Maybe it's just better usually to find your purpose and be true to your self in a less than optimal place but aware of your options and choices than trade more of your independence for routines and rigidity to "climb the ladder" just for the sake of the extra resources. I may not be the only one who sees it this way, but I don't believe life is actually supposed to be a "game" played by certain rules and measures -- it's possibly more enjoyable as an experience in some ways to say the least. Perhaps you only become truly "strong" when someone or something instills the sense strength within you, whether that's part psychological and/or part metabolic/hormonal/environmental/etc.

 

[Pufa-Puffin]

Your mother was not overprotective because you were weak, you are weak because your mother was overprotective.

I was exactly the same as you up to my mid-20s. If I was able to fix that, you can fix that too. Some things I would recommend you to do:

1) Exposure therapy - go out and do things you are scared to do. Every day. Push your boundaries. Do it until you become numb. Talk to people. Get social. Get a proof that you are good enough.
2) Raise your testosterone.
3) Go to gym, or even better, start doing some martial arts. BJJ or boxing are my favorites.
4) Spend some time with strong / not weak people. Get some masculine role models into your life (point no. 3 helps with that)
5) Stop feeling sorry for yourself - Your upbringing might have been hard, but you are adult now and you have your fate in your hands. You are responsible for your life. Only you can fix your life, nobody will do it for you. Do it. Feeling sorry is not helpful in any way.

You did not mention your father even once in your post. Was he around when you were growing up?

 

[thomas00]

If you are born metabolically compromised then you'll be inclined towards learned helplessness and unable or unwilling to physically defend yourself from bullies and other psychos.

Building muscle can certainly be empowering. A strong mind with a healthy body is better than a strong body and the mind of your average gym bro, imo.

 

[MetabolicTrash]

I've come to see that people tend to see those enduring, forceful and pushy as strong, but those withdrawing and less vigilant/forward as weak.

A domineering person is seen as adaptive, strong and successful; a timid person seen as maladaptive, "genetically inferior," etc. Maybe the timid are those more earnest? Those without the need or drive for power are maybe just less aroused or have less foothold over the environment and social engineering tactics? Are more aware of their needs and less driven by the "more" pushed on them? Some people only feel "valuable" when they're in a cape and on a throne, but then you take it away and.....???

It's always interesting how the "weirdo" of a group tends to be the one less like the others in some/various ways -- this alone makes them "weird" and is very relative to plenty of circumstances (yet the "weirdo" is believed to be weird by groups due to not fitting in, when you can look at the inverse this way too -- i.e., "weirdo" finds everyone else "weird" for not relating to them).

At some points in life I have thought (or at least wanted to think) of myself as needing power, wealth, "status" and etc. I would try and get it and get disappointed when I fell short. I thought I wasn't good enough to succeed and was a loser -- but now I feel I'm just not a social robot who cares to "fake it till you make it" because I may not really care about what "making it" even means in individual cases. Not that I'm not flawed, but it's clear that what I am not doing is probably because (at the time at least) it is something not for me for some reason. Not that I couldn't, but what matters is the drive and choice -- not solely the possibility of a fixed idea in action being reached or such.

Not being rich, powerful or "high status" bothered me because I thought it was inherent flaws stopping me from "improving myself" -- but maybe wanting those things can be just as flawed as not wanting them. Who is to say that those working "up the ladder" aren't just as flawed as those kicking the ladder down? It's all down to the end game and what really drives people. Are maniacal sickos adaptive and strong, while timid healers and earnest people the weak and frail? Maybe if you only see life as law of the jungle kind of stuff, but I think mostly everyone can see past this at some point.

I know some ideas are thrown around that it might be serotonergic to crave power, influence, control, high status, etc. Of course from learning here I'd assumed I was low serotonin then, but clearly it's not that simple and nothing is like a pure binary under the hood much. I guess what this could be summed up to is that it doesn't matter and one shouldn't care about feeling weak or strong -- just try and be your own "strong" as best as you can. Maybe me being strong doesn't have to solely do with power or influence -- possibly just acceptance of self more and making peace with one. Not saying hormones or other things don't matter, but I do not think you can hormone someone to become a certain character as this shape seems more "inner" to one (even if changeable) than merely what a hormone in the blood/tissue/etc. can create. I guess what I'm saying is that hormones influence you, but not enough to use them as an excuse for character flaws or markups -- very much like drugs. I don't think my "personality" or "oneness" would really change much no matter how much you altered my hormones or environment -- deep down I am the sum of my experiences and information, and will continue to grow and change accordingly based on continuing interaction and processes.

Maybe even strong doesn't matter but just content -- but sadly being content is something many people probably never truly feel much. There is like a pseudo-content energy people give off, but I somehow get the idea that lots of people put out a persona that doesn't match their true intentions. The good part is that a possibility of finding one's true beliefs is possible, but some people just go with the flow and seem almost zombie-like and molded. One of the reasons I can't doubt Ray is that he sees things and people as products of their environment and actions both ways -- so it evidently substantiates a founding theory that people are pawn-like no matter what, even if some "break the rules" a bit.

The only true path to salvation, freedom and new levels of being or humanity is to probably "evolve" with the environment, but not from the environment.

Building muscle can certainly be empowering. A strong mind with a healthy body is better than a strong body and the mind of your average gym bro, imo.

I definitely have grown not to judge people for the most part and take different out looks on people and their decisions and such, but feel that sometimes it's a poor man's attempt to build muscle to be "empowering." I don't think you can make up for "inner pain" or psychological issues or such with simply muscle size. There are definitely highly "masculine" men who have issues still, suggesting that these characteristics do not help them feel valuable or content in some ways possibly. I do not strive for bodybuilding, although I'd like some tone and a decent body which is pretty reasonable I think (my body's not horrible or anything).

I think maybe the gym is a false sense of security. You build muscle and physical strength, but are those the things really needing improvement in most people's cases? I'm sure some truly value bodybuilding, but I can't get past seeing it as a "distraction" to personal problems very much for some. Also, I'm not in a current state (and haven't been) where this really benefits me -- most routine-based stuff and weights/etc. provides little in the way of muscle from my experience. I think maybe my health is not "there yet" at least when it comes to a mostly aesthetic endeavor like bodybuilding's reach.

I'd think the real benefits in hormones come from the touch of being/sense of awareness or wellness from them in a therapeutic or other personal way -- the muscles or other things seem more like just the bonus from my perspective if anything, although some see it more the other way around.