I need to get rid of my contamination OCD. Here's a post about how this particular neurosis keeps its grip on me. I could use some feedback

[sunny]

Search Results for “mental illness” – To Extract Knowledge from Matter

Perhaps some of Haidut's work can help you.

 

[Zellig Pliskin]

I had a good day. Celebrated a close relative's birthday. Good times. But now's time for some ugly neurotic posting.

This is another schizo post, but this one is particularly embarrassing and weird. I hope you enjoy it.


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I've had contamination OCD around my own c00m my entire post-pubescent life.

It got worse in 2004.

In 2014 I snapped and started smearing a bit of my cum on my precious belongings. So I would lose my fear of "contaminating" them.

It worked for a while, but eventually I started experiencing strange synchronicities related to this whole issue. Very specific coincidences, just like the ones Jung wrong about. Like the texture of reality was being meticulously engineered around my obsessions. Sounds insane until you experience it.

According to reputable online IQ tests, I have a 134 spatial IQ and a 150 verbal IQ. IQ talk smacks of eugenics, I know, I'm not a fan, I'm just saying. I may be insane but I'm not an idiot. These coincidences are not merely in my head. They happen. Jung believed it and so do I.

I was researching numerical synchronicites once. Clicked on a reddit thread link, a topic about numerical synchronicities. It was on some sort of paranormal or new age community. As the page opened, I saw the numbers 3.333, 444, 26 and 206. Numbers referring to numbers of upvotes and posts on certain threads. Do you see the patterns? The thematic connection? Can you estimate the odds here? Is this really subtle?

Anyway, it worked for a while. I began reading books again. I was no longer afraid of contaminating them. But let me talk about the most upsetting synchronicity that happened. It was two years ago.

I started using a sock as a condom. It feels comfortable and doesn't leave a mess. It's a filthy habit, I'm not making excuses here, but the flesh is weak. When I do succumb I'd rather not leave a crummy mess on the crime scene. Sock it is, then. And I used it repeatedly. Gross, I know. But I'm trying to be less squeamish here. I'd rather err on the side of grossness. I'm tired of neurotic cleanliness.

Synchronicities began to happen around it. I won't describe them all, you'll have to trust me. But here are two. One day my young nephew blurted out, "You have a stinky sock." He never saw my c00msock, never saw me do the deed. Of course. I don't even cuss around the kid. But it was like he knew. He said it in a taunting voice, right when my anxiety was peaking. Like a spiritual attack. Like something tempted him to say it.

So I stopped using the same sock repeatedly. If I fouled a sock I'd throw it in the trash. But after a few months I said screw it. I used a sock one day, then used the same sock the next day. Let's not be superstitious, right? Many guys have c00msocks. It's no big deal. It doesn't matter how many times you use it.

Well, three seconds after "climaxing" (what a wretched word), sock still wrapped around my ****, my mother gets a text message. I hear the little whatsapp noise from my room. She says "oh no." I discreetly ask what happened from my room, without exposing myself of course. It was my sister. She said my nephew, then five, had just broken his arm.

Whew.


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This incident made the contamination OCD creep back in. I'm afraid of my own c00m again. But it's impossible to live like this. I need to just accept the pain. I need to stop guzzling kratom to numb the icky feeling. It's just semen. Who cares.

Know what I mean? Strange synchronicities happen. They do happen. But this is simply no way to live. I want to read books. I want to have a normal life. Who cares if there's a c00mstain on the couch. I'm gonna sit on the couch. I'm not gonna freak out. I'm gonna have a normal life.

The OCD keeps nagging me about the coincidences. Like they have huge implications that I would be irresponsible to ignore. Classic OCD thought pattern. But it's untenable. It's a crippling phobia. I'm trying to do NoFap but I'm going to slip. And when I do slip I'm not going to flip out about my own c00m. I don't care how many strange synchronicities the universe throws my way. lol.


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I'm done. I hope you enjoyed this morbid post. I'll appreciate any feedback here.

Didn’t microdosing psilocybin work for you?

Again, try lisuride. Focus on lowering serotonin. That is your goal and how you get rid of neuroses.

 

[worrywart]

I appreciate the kind replies in this thread, but could the mods please delete it?

I promise I'll do my best to be more civil, less NSFW, etc., from now on.