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Depersonalization, I feel like im dying

Joined
Jan 21, 2019
Messages
7
Hey y'all, I'm going to say this the best way I can.
My brain does not work. It isnt functioning at it's best. I'm 20yr old male and I feel old asf.
Life is very tough for me. I have horrible memory. I'm also going through depersonalization. I feel as though I'm in a hologram. It's very scary to me. My sense of smell ad taste has gone down and my eye sight is getting worse, I've worn glasses my whole life and it's been bad with this it feel worse.


Idk, I had a testicular surgery 3 years ago for a varicole and torsion. After that surgery, I got really depressed and wanted to end it all. As I was recovering, I did something that I really regret. I took off my bandages that was on my scrotum. After that I squeezed my testicles really hard. I really don't know why I did it. I got upset in the morning it was still on my mind and I made a scene in my kitchen.

I've always had this OCD. When I was a child I remember doing things repeatedly. I wrote my name a certain way. I liked things to be perfect. I said words a certain way. It was definitely weird.

And it translated to me worrying about my body parts.

It's very strange.

Moving on, I consider myself hypersexual.
I never had sex with a female b4. But it's like it's always on my mind that I want sex. I'm addicted to porn. Been addicted for 8+years. This has really suppressed me and made me a weak person.

I've had some bad moments happen in my life

I'm 20 years old and I feel like a man in his 70s. I'm addicted to porn. I dont smoke or do drugs. Two years ago I had a surgery because I had a varicocele and my other testicle had intermittent torsion. I really believe having this surgery was the worst mistake I've ever made in my life. A week before the surgery I had a mental breakdown after I used porn. I went downstairs to my kitchen and grabbed a knife and went outside. I was walking around my neighborhood. I really wanted to kill myself. It was dark outside. I went to a place in my neighborhood where noone could really see me. I started scaring my face with the knife and I banged my head several times on the concrete. I went inside and my family wanted to know what was going on with me. Days before that incident, I was depressed because I felt lonely. I had no ******* friends and no gf. I couldnt even talk to people because I had bad social anxiety.
I was also questioning my sexuality at the time and felt shame from a couple incidents I had in the past.

One was when I was 13. I had sex with a guy who was 19. He was living with me and my family at the time. My parents took care of him when he was a child and he came back in our lives around 2013. I never knew he was gay. I think he probably got molested in his life. He didnt force me to have sex with him. So i didnt get molested or anything like that. The first time it happened I dont remember everything that happened. It was dark and he was downstairs. I think he told me to come here and I did and he had his thing out. I think he told me to suck it and I did. Looking back on it i should've said no. I should've told my parents. He also penetrated me several times and I let him put a dildo in me. I think after it happened I didnt really feel bad about it. I dont think I felt anything. I just kept on with life. He emotional abused me too. One day my mother sat je down and told me if he ever touches me to tell her. It was too late. I felt so guilty and shameful. I went in my room and cried. I felt like my life was over.

It had hit me so hard. I really let someone do that to me.

Then there was another incident I had with my cousin. I believe I was way younger in this incident. Probably 10. I think he was 6. Idk he was real young. I kissed him on the lips and violated him. I felt bad about this. Idk why I did it or what led me to do it. I had a history of touching and kissing other kids in my childhood. Idk why I would do it.

I wish none of this ever happened and I feel remorse and guilt about it.

I got bullied several times in school and one time I lied about it cause I was scared.

Going back to the surgery. After the surgery I felt very depressed to the point I didnt wanna live anymore. I felt depersonalization for the first time in my life. 2 years later I'm still struggling and I feel like my brain is declining. I have a slight dent in the right side of my forehead. I really think me banging my head caused that. When I was a kid I also got dropped on my head real hard. I think that did some damage to my brain. I also banged my head on a countertop several times because I was tryna kill myself.

Right now I feel like I can never get back to my normal self. I feel like I'm in the sunken place. I have very bad ocd and Involuntary movements. This makes it even worse.

I live day to day.
 

Peatful

Member
Joined
Dec 8, 2016
Messages
1,350
Hey Darius-

im leaving for work- but I have to tell you how proud I am of you.

you are not your past nor your experiences.
you are young and smart and full of courage.
you can heal in every aspect.
it will take work and intention but it can be done- and then you can offer your courage and strength to others.

big hugs from a Mom.

Peatful

Bumping this thread for others to join in. Im sure others have had similar experiences.
 

mariantos

Member
Joined
Apr 7, 2021
Messages
464
If you're not a troll and something tells me you're not kidding.
Listen carefully please.

You are fighting a huge battle with the demons that torment your soul.
I suggest the following:
You must fall on your knees and ask for the Savior's help. Cry out to Jesus Christ, trust Him, confess your sins, ask Him for forgiveness from the heart, sincerely and cleanly, ask Him to cleanse you with His Holy blood and call Him into your heart.

The fact that your conscience rebukes you and you have regrets indicates to me that you are on the right track. You have to give up porn, such movies are the gateways for the demons in your life, they actually consume your life, they eat your last gram of joy, they seek to take control of your soul and they will try to kill you later, as you have seen in your life, suicidal thoughts, even attempts. I'm sure for many it may seem like an aberration to what I'm writing or that I've gone crazy. With all my heart and with all conviction I tell you that these things are very real. Give them up, there is no benefit from porn, only great damage. Christ will help you with this, you just have to want and confess your helplessness not that He does not know it, only that He wants you to turn to Him and ask for His help. The Lord also allowed you to get sick in your manhood zone, to alarm you, diseases are closely correlated with sins if not, even the consequence of sins. Do not despair, do not be afraid, trust in Christ the Lord. We all have a past, some darker, others less darker , happy or less happy experiences, we all have sins, of different categories. Remember that Christ came into the world for sinners.



And when the scribes and Pharisees saw him eat with publicans and sinners, they said unto his disciples, How is it that he eateth and drinketh with publicans and sinners? When Jesus heard it , he saith unto them, They that are whole have no need of the physician, but they that are sick: I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.
Mark 2:16‭-‬17




All you need is a pure heart and a broken soul. You seem to have the latter. From the position you are in now, He is your only escape. Don't worry about sex, you will have it, be careful with sex. It's more than a pleasure. I wish I had never lost my virginity, it was enough to start the lechery and other misery that followed in my life, which marked my life and health deeply.

Remember that there is no sin that the Holy Blood of Christ cannot wash away. The Lord our God loves you enormously. He will help you forget your past, guide your steps in the present, and take care of your future if you entrust your life to His hands! May the Lord keep you in His care! Come back to the light!
 

Darius Jenkins

Member
Thread starter
Joined
Jan 21, 2019
Messages
7
Hey Darius-

im leaving for work- but I have to tell you how proud I am of you.

you are not your past nor your experiences.
you are young and smart and full of courage.
you can heal in every aspect.
it will take work and intention but it can be done- and then you can offer your courage and strength to others.

big hugs from a Mom.

Peatful

Bumping this thread for others to join in. Im sure others have had similar experiences.
I appreciate you thank u so much
 

Darius Jenkins

Member
Thread starter
Joined
Jan 21, 2019
Messages
7
If you're not a troll and something tells me you're not kidding.
Listen carefully please.

You are fighting a huge battle with the demons that torment your soul.
I suggest the following:
You must fall on your knees and ask for the Savior's help. Cry out to Jesus Christ, trust Him, confess your sins, ask Him for forgiveness from the heart, sincerely and cleanly, ask Him to cleanse you with His Holy blood and call Him into your heart.

The fact that your conscience rebukes you and you have regrets indicates to me that you are on the right track. You have to give up porn, such movies are the gateways for the demons in your life, they actually consume your life, they eat your last gram of joy, they seek to take control of your soul and they will try to kill you later, as you have seen in your life, suicidal thoughts, even attempts. I'm sure for many it may seem like an aberration to what I'm writing or that I've gone crazy. With all my heart and with all conviction I tell you that these things are very real. Give them up, there is no benefit from porn, only great damage. Christ will help you with this, you just have to want and confess your helplessness not that He does not know it, only that He wants you to turn to Him and ask for His help. The Lord also allowed you to get sick in your manhood zone, to alarm you, diseases are closely correlated with sins if not, even the consequence of sins. Do not despair, do not be afraid, trust in Christ the Lord. We all have a past, some darker, others less darker , happy or less happy experiences, we all have sins, of different categories. Remember that Christ came into the world for sinners.



And when the scribes and Pharisees saw him eat with publicans and sinners, they said unto his disciples, How is it that he eateth and drinketh with publicans and sinners? When Jesus heard it , he saith unto them, They that are whole have no need of the physician, but they that are sick: I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.
Mark 2:16‭-‬17




All you need is a pure heart and a broken soul. You seem to have the latter. From the position you are in now, He is your only escape. Don't worry about sex, you will have it, be careful with sex. It's more than a pleasure. I wish I had never lost my virginity, it was enough to start the lechery and other misery that followed in my life, which marked my life and health deeply.

Remember that there is no sin that the Holy Blood of Christ cannot wash away. The Lord our God loves you enormously. He will help you forget your past, guide your steps in the present, and take care of your future if you entrust your life to His hands! May the Lord keep you in His care! Come back to the light!
Appreciate the response bro
 

somuch4food

Member
Joined
Aug 23, 2018
Messages
1,281
While I do not as heavy a baggage as you, I know depersonalization, addiction, social anxiety and feeling different. I grew up in a fog, mostly doing things to get through school and let people belittling/bullying me, ignoring them and mounting an armor around myself. My addiction/escape was to media (TV, manga, video games) and I always felt different being a girl liking boy stuff.

I have started to feel compassion for those years since I see that at that time I was a victim of my low health. For me, lowering overall body inflammation seems to be key. When I feel my body is relaxed, I can properly see my surroundings and make good thoughtful decisions. When I fallback into inflammation, I start to creep back into my old self with more impulsive behaviors, anxiety and brain fog.

Foods definitely affect my state, as do many other things. What helps me most is to think as my behaviors and thoughts as not part of my soul. What I mean is that whatever I think or do in the moment is the result of whatever I experienced in that moment and in the past. I can't change it. What I can do though is acknowledge what I did and whether or not, it was the best move, so that hopefully next time, the outcome will be different.

I have recently started using the Nemecheck protocol which works with autism and also brain injuries. I have not started using Omega 3s yet though. If you are interested, let me know. I can share more.
 
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