My Father Recently Passed -- Advise On Healing

[Velve921]

Hello everyone,

I'm going through this process and as anyone could imagine it's tragic.

Does anyone have any thoughts on things to think about for staying strong as I work through my emotions?

Thank you

 

[Aymen]

When grief makes you sick: Bereavement induced systemic inflammation is a question of genotype

 

[Peatful]

Hi @Velve921

Losing a parent is hard isn’t it.

I was surprised by my level of grief; my wanting to share; the flood of memories; the ever present reminders.

You say to stay strong through your emotions.
I think that is unproductive and counterintuitive.

(Have you heard the phrase sackcloth and ashes?)

A long time ago people were given about a month to bear their grief without question or needing to stay strong.
Give yourself permission and time to feel; because if you don’t, it will manifest in other ways- metabolically too I’m fairly certain.

More to say but I'll leave it at that...

 

[taesch]

I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my Father over two years ago and it's still surreal and upsetting that he's gone. At the time of his death, the hospital had provided our family with printed information as to how to talk to my child about the loss of his grandfather. This was very valuable and went against my instincts. Particularly, it instructed to not hide any emotions from children or speak of death as similar to 'going to sleep'. For the following two days, I made sure my son saw me bawling and it was the only time in my adult life I had really cried. I also cried at his funeral but I have difficulty otherwise to come to tears. As Gordon Neufeld would say, I am defended against my tears which I realize is not an ideal temperament.

Unfortunately, as time passed and it was clear that life would not return to normal, I realized that I had begun abusing alcohol. Being part of this Ray Peat community, I 'hacked' a way to function and avoided getting hung over. I had internalized so much anger which I didn't fully deal with. The only time I was aware of the anger and stress I suppressed was when I was playing squash and yelling. Having an outlet like squash or sports would be a great way for you to gauge and unravel repressed stress.

The abuse of alcohol contributed to my father's demise and I came to a tough decision to address my own problem. Instead of quitting, I opted for the Sinclair Method which involves Naltrexone, an hour before every time I drink. My drinking has reduced greatly thanks to the method. However the sadness remains and the grief is not as easily overcome. Despite being an atheist, I feel a connection to my Dad like a vibey resonance of life's continuum. Remembering the funny stories and telling the fond memories of my Dad, who is an enigma to me, is part of the transition to the new perspective of reality I am tasked with grappling.

Take the time to feel and then heal. If you meet resistance from your employer consider quitting. It's not easy to deal with the craziness of life but think about using every molecule of your body to move in the proper direction, even if that means moving thru pain. Don't avoid the hurt but take it as it comes knowing that it will eventually pass.

 

[Jib]

I'm sorry for your loss. Deeply.

To think about: do not unnaturally attach to any of the emotions you're going through. It will come and go in waves. It's perfectly okay to cry and then feel fine afterwards and not think about it. And then have that repeat. Or not repeat. Don't have any concept in your mind about how you "should" or "should not" feel. Allow yourself to feel whatever you're feeling, good or bad, day to day.

It's okay to go through a period of depression and despair, and then feel like it never happened, and feel okay. And to go through that cycle again. It could last a week. It could last a month. It could last 5 minutes, or an hour. The key is to not have any idea of what you "should" be experiencing and simply surrender yourself to experiencing whatever comes up. Do not resist it.

If you have anyone you trust you can open up to, close people are great resources. Tell them how you feel. Many times this alone can help a lot and people will understand. Or perhaps you don't want to tell anyone. Your call. Just keep all your options open. Only isolate yourself if that's what you're truly feeling you need. And don't isolate for an unnatural length of time. If you feel the urge to talk to someone or ask for support, or just hang out with someone to get your mind off of things, do that instead. Check in with yourself often, and ask yourself "What do I want right now?"

One more thing: death is not the be-all end-all. You have an entire history with this person. A lifetime of memories and experiences. Be careful not to lose focus and throw away all the good memories and experiences in favor of one bad one. Practice remembering the good memories and cherishing them. There is a lot to honoring our memories of people we loved and lost by remembering the best of them and what we learned from them and keeping them alive in our hearts.

And remember that we all will die one day. Wherever death leads, eventually we are all going there. You will not spend an eternity grieving, as it's impossible. Ultimately we're all here for a short time. And nobody knows what happens after we die. Remember this, and don't make any assumptions about death, or make yourself more upset by feeling like this grief will last for eternity.

Allow yourself to experience it as it comes up, but don't attach any beliefs or self-defeating attitudes to it. Feel it, express it, and know that it's okay to experience it in waves. Wherever your father is off to now, you will be going there one day, and all the rest of us will too. This can help sober the mind and shift your focus to the present moment.

Grief is one of the most intense emotions a human can experience. Remember this too and know that no matter how crazy and overpowering and overwhelming it feels, it's normal. You may feel completely alone, but always remember you're living in a world full of people who have loved people and lost them. Here among the land of the living, there are a lot of people who can understand and empathize with what you're going through, and we all understand that empathy doesn't take the pain away. That's part of the empathy and feeling understood is healing.

 

[tca300]

Ray Peat on losing loved ones

" It activates the “helplessness” reactions in the body, stress weakening your own life, and I think it can help to get out of that if you think of your life as a continuation of theirs—the same life, though with fewer bodies. "

 

[LUH 3417]

Ray Peat on losing loved ones

" It activates the “helplessness” reactions in the body, stress weakening your own life, and I think it can help to get out of that if you think of your life as a continuation of theirs—the same life, though with fewer bodies. "

Whoa I wonder what he would say about a break up.

 

[Blossom]

@Velve921, so sorry about your dad. It’s been 11 months today since I lost my mom. It seems to gradually get easier with time. Sometimes I think the grief has passed for good and then a fresh wave will hit me when I least expect it. People have told me that really never ends it just gets easier. I must say it has been so surprising to me how different this death has been for me than any others. I honestly couldn’t fathom what it would be like to lose a child. I realize none of that probably helps you right now but just know I’m with you in spirit.

 

[danishispsychic]

My heart goes out. My mother died over 5 years ago and I am still sad - mostly because of her long decline. I found this forum around the time she died after my entire body health crashed -I had a huge inheritance fight to deal with too. It almost killed me. She had hypothyroid/hashimotos and was never treated properly. It lead to her cognitive decline and this woman was a member of Mensa. Her death made me address my health in a whole new way so that I could live - I was not even sure that I wanted to until a couple years ago. I do not think it ever gets better , but fasting, healing , Peating and letting Dr Peat be my guide has really helped recovery. It's gnarly.

 

[Vinny]

My sencere condolences.
I lost my father 5 y ago.
Do not stay alone, if you are atm. Get someone to stay with and talk to till you feel better.

 

[Velve921]

Thank you for all the supportive words everyone. For those who have lost loved ones, I'm sorry for your loss as well.

I think I'm getting everyone's jist and I'm along that path.

Just out of curiosity, anyone found specific foods, supplements, or nutrients to be helpful for metabolic support in this specific scenario? Especially at the beginning?

 

[CLASH]

@Velve921
Atleast for me, sitting down and writing out everything i feel around the situation unedited and uninhibited helps tremendously. Its almost like your spitting out all the emotions on to paper rather than holding them in. Theres a pretty cathartic release surprisingly, atleast for me.

Also maintaining a routine has helped me out for sure, even just if its sleeping and eating at the same time everyday. For me going to the gym is therepeutic as well.

Taurine, Vit C, and magnesium in some juice (i use grape), all have some GABA modulating effects and can take the edge off. I use it for stress at work. I Add some energin topically (just 2 drops) when I take it and I get a very slight euphoria. A periodic aspirn in juice induces some euphoria for me as well as 1mg of progesterone rubbed across my forehead (I’m a guy). I dont use the aspirin or progesterone everyday, just once in a while, usually work days. I use the taurine, vit c and mag combination almost everyday tho.

 

[Vinny]

If u have phenibut, use it now.

 

[Velve921]

@Velve921
Atleast for me, sitting down and writing out everything i feel around the situation unedited and uninhibited helps tremendously. Its almost like your spitting out all the emotions on to paper rather than holding them in. Theres a pretty cathartic release surprisingly, atleast for me.

Also maintaining a routine has helped me out for sure, even just if its sleeping and eating at the same time everyday. For me going to the gym is therepeutic as well.

Taurine, Vit C, and magnesium in some juice (i use grape), all have some GABA modulating effects and can take the edge off. I use it for stress at work. I Add some energin topically (just 2 drops) when I take it and I get a very slight euphoria. A periodic aspirn in juice induces some euphoria for me as well as 1mg of progesterone rubbed across my forehead (I’m a guy). I dont use the aspirin or progesterone everyday, just once in a while, usually work days. I use the taurine, vit c and mag combination almost everyday tho.

Thanks for the thoughts!

 

[Velve921]

If u have phenibut, use it now.

I do not.

Taurine, theanine, cyproheptadine are being quite helpful at the moment.

 

[Dave Clark]

Thank you for all the supportive words everyone. For those who have lost loved ones, I'm sorry for your loss as well.

I think I'm getting everyone's jist and I'm along that path.

Just out of curiosity, anyone found specific foods, supplements, or nutrients to be helpful for metabolic support in this specific scenario? Especially at the beginning?

For me kava: Buy Hawaii Kava Root Online | Real Kava

 

[tca300]

Thank you for all the supportive words everyone. For those who have lost loved ones, I'm sorry for your loss as well.

I think I'm getting everyone's jist and I'm along that path.

Just out of curiosity, anyone found specific foods, supplements, or nutrients to be helpful for metabolic support in this specific scenario? Especially at the beginning?

Avoiding anything that causes gas/bloating, eating saturated fats, being around bright light, bag breathing, and obviously good nutrition; including a good magnesium intake, have been the most helpful for myself.

 

[tca300]

I do not.

Taurine, theanine, cyproheptadine are being quite helpful at the moment.

I wouldn't do that ( phenibut ) tolerance and horror stories of people trying to come off of it.

 

[Velve921]

Avoiding anything that causes gas/bloating, eating saturated fats, being around bright light, bag breathing, and obviously good nutrition; including a good magnesium intake, have been the most helpful for myself.

I like your thoughts.

I'm actually doing a round of antibiotics to clean up some bad food I've been slipping on in the past few weeks as well.

 

[Jem Oz]

Avoiding anything that causes gas/bloating, eating saturated fats, being around bright light, bag breathing, and obviously good nutrition; including a good magnesium intake, have been the most helpful for myself.

@tca300 you mention sat fats - does that mean you're no longer strictly VLF?

EDIT: it was insensitive of me to drop this into a thread about grief. Sorry for your loss @Velve921