My Father Recently Passed -- Advise On Healing

[Elchapchapchapo]

Bioenergetics by Alexander Lowen and creating a full expression to fully feel and also make peace with the emotions

 

[GreekDemiGod]

Lost my father in 2012, just a few days after I turned 21. For years, I completely shut down my emotions and did not allow myself to feel anything. I did not process the loss of him, I just repressed everything.
This year, I started thinking about him more often. I often burst into tears.
Realized that I have a lot of emotional charge unresolved. Now I'm ready to allow it.

 

[tca300]

This is such a beautiful quote. I recently had a good friend decide on medically supervised death. This quote came partially to mind as I've been grieving and thinking, and the search for it brought me to this post. Do you know what the source is? One of his books or an email with a forum member maybe?

Email between Ray and myself.

 

[Velve921]

Hi @Velve921

Losing a parent is hard isn’t it.

I was surprised by my level of grief; my wanting to share; the flood of memories; the ever present reminders.

You say to stay strong through your emotions.
I think that is unproductive and counterintuitive.

(Have you heard the phrase sackcloth and ashes?)

A long time ago people were given about a month to bear their grief without question or needing to stay strong.
Give yourself permission and time to feel; because if you don’t, it will manifest in other ways- metabolically too I’m fairly certain.

More to say but I'll leave it at that...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I apologize for not responding sooner.

As you can imagine it's been quite journey these past few months.

What I've noticed is that anxiety has been manifesting in other parts of my life. I immediately address them.

However, I've had to address way more than I could have imagined. 1-2x a week I get tension or what feels like the beginning of an attack. I get through it... but its not pleasant.

The tension comes when I go at a new level of discomfort in my life in areas that I've needed to address. Once I address it I come out on the other side in a great place and much stronger than before I went through it.

 

[Velve921]

Lost my father in 2012, just a few days after I turned 21. For years, I completely shut down my emotions and did not allow myself to feel anything. I did not process the loss of him, I just repressed everything.
This year, I started thinking about him more often. I often burst into tears.
Realized that I have a lot of emotional charge unresolved. Now I'm ready to allow it.

Thank you for sharing that my friend!

I apologize for the long delay on my response. As you can imagine I've been in and out of focus in this area.

I can definitely resonate with what you are saying.

If you don't mind me asking, what are some ways you've been allowing the emotions?

Thanks again for being transparent and discussing.

 

[Velve921]

@tca300 you mention sat fats - does that mean you're no longer strictly VLF?

EDIT: it was insensitive of me to drop this into a thread about grief. Sorry for your loss @Velve921

No worries my friend.

I appreciate your apology and I know people are hear to be helpful in anyway they can.

Much love.

 

[Velve921]

Avoiding anything that causes gas/bloating, eating saturated fats, being around bright light, bag breathing, and obviously good nutrition; including a good magnesium intake, have been the most helpful for myself.

Thanks for sharing that my friend!

I've found that in the last 2 weeks that I've had to be more strict that I've ever been and that lowers anxiety immensely!

Ca:P has to be 2:1

Ice cream
Gelatin
Milk
Cheese
Coconut Oil
Coffee
Sugar
CO2 water
Raw Carrot
Epsom Salt Baths
Theanine

If I deviate the slightest bit my mindset changes quite quickly.

 

[Velve921]

For me kava: Buy Hawaii Kava Root Online | Real Kava

Sorry for the delay.

Thank you for taking the time and sharing.

 

[Velve921]

@Velve921
Atleast for me, sitting down and writing out everything i feel around the situation unedited and uninhibited helps tremendously. Its almost like your spitting out all the emotions on to paper rather than holding them in. Theres a pretty cathartic release surprisingly, atleast for me.

Also maintaining a routine has helped me out for sure, even just if its sleeping and eating at the same time everyday. For me going to the gym is therepeutic as well.

Taurine, Vit C, and magnesium in some juice (i use grape), all have some GABA modulating effects and can take the edge off. I use it for stress at work. I Add some energin topically (just 2 drops) when I take it and I get a very slight euphoria. A periodic aspirn in juice induces some euphoria for me as well as 1mg of progesterone rubbed across my forehead (I’m a guy). I dont use the aspirin or progesterone everyday, just once in a while, usually work days. I use the taurine, vit c and mag combination almost everyday tho.

Thanks for sharing that!

I agree that the schedule has been critical and writing my thoughts down has been immensely therapeutic!

 

[Velve921]

My sencere condolences.
I lost my father 5 y ago.
Do not stay alone, if you are atm. Get someone to stay with and talk to till you feel better.

Thank you for sharing that my friend. I am sorry for your loss as well.

I have been lucky to have many people around me to talk to.

 

[Velve921]

My heart goes out. My mother died over 5 years ago and I am still sad - mostly because of her long decline. I found this forum around the time she died after my entire body health crashed -I had a huge inheritance fight to deal with too. It almost killed me. She had hypothyroid/hashimotos and was never treated properly. It lead to her cognitive decline and this woman was a member of Mensa. Her death made me address my health in a whole new way so that I could live - I was not even sure that I wanted to until a couple years ago. I do not think it ever gets better , but fasting, healing , Peating and letting Dr Peat be my guide has really helped recovery. It's gnarly.

I am sorry to hear about your loss!

Thank you for taking the time and sharing your thoughts.

I apologize for not responding sooner as you took the time to respond quickly.

I hope you are doing well at this time.

 

[Velve921]

@Velve921, so sorry about your dad. It’s been 11 months today since I lost my mom. It seems to gradually get easier with time. Sometimes I think the grief has passed for good and then a fresh wave will hit me when I least expect it. People have told me that really never ends it just gets easier. I must say it has been so surprising to me how different this death has been for me than any others. I honestly couldn’t fathom what it would be like to lose a child. I realize none of that probably helps you right now but just know I’m with you in spirit.

Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your thoughts!

I apologize for not responding sooner.

And you are right, the emotions come in surprising waves. 1x a week I have some type of tension and discomfort that comes out of nowhere.

 

[Velve921]

I'm sorry for your loss. Deeply.

To think about: do not unnaturally attach to any of the emotions you're going through. It will come and go in waves. It's perfectly okay to cry and then feel fine afterwards and not think about it. And then have that repeat. Or not repeat. Don't have any concept in your mind about how you "should" or "should not" feel. Allow yourself to feel whatever you're feeling, good or bad, day to day.

It's okay to go through a period of depression and despair, and then feel like it never happened, and feel okay. And to go through that cycle again. It could last a week. It could last a month. It could last 5 minutes, or an hour. The key is to not have any idea of what you "should" be experiencing and simply surrender yourself to experiencing whatever comes up. Do not resist it.

If you have anyone you trust you can open up to, close people are great resources. Tell them how you feel. Many times this alone can help a lot and people will understand. Or perhaps you don't want to tell anyone. Your call. Just keep all your options open. Only isolate yourself if that's what you're truly feeling you need. And don't isolate for an unnatural length of time. If you feel the urge to talk to someone or ask for support, or just hang out with someone to get your mind off of things, do that instead. Check in with yourself often, and ask yourself "What do I want right now?"

One more thing: death is not the be-all end-all. You have an entire history with this person. A lifetime of memories and experiences. Be careful not to lose focus and throw away all the good memories and experiences in favor of one bad one. Practice remembering the good memories and cherishing them. There is a lot to honoring our memories of people we loved and lost by remembering the best of them and what we learned from them and keeping them alive in our hearts.

And remember that we all will die one day. Wherever death leads, eventually we are all going there. You will not spend an eternity grieving, as it's impossible. Ultimately we're all here for a short time. And nobody knows what happens after we die. Remember this, and don't make any assumptions about death, or make yourself more upset by feeling like this grief will last for eternity.

Allow yourself to experience it as it comes up, but don't attach any beliefs or self-defeating attitudes to it. Feel it, express it, and know that it's okay to experience it in waves. Wherever your father is off to now, you will be going there one day, and all the rest of us will too. This can help sober the mind and shift your focus to the present moment.

Grief is one of the most intense emotions a human can experience. Remember this too and know that no matter how crazy and overpowering and overwhelming it feels, it's normal. You may feel completely alone, but always remember you're living in a world full of people who have loved people and lost them. Here among the land of the living, there are a lot of people who can understand and empathize with what you're going through, and we all understand that empathy doesn't take the pain away. That's part of the empathy and feeling understood is healing.

My Sincere apologies for not responding to this sooner!

Thank you so much for taking the time and sharing your thoughts! Truly.

I hope you've had happy holidays!

 

[Velve921]

I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my Father over two years ago and it's still surreal and upsetting that he's gone. At the time of his death, the hospital had provided our family with printed information as to how to talk to my child about the loss of his grandfather. This was very valuable and went against my instincts. Particularly, it instructed to not hide any emotions from children or speak of death as similar to 'going to sleep'. For the following two days, I made sure my son saw me bawling and it was the only time in my adult life I had really cried. I also cried at his funeral but I have difficulty otherwise to come to tears. As Gordon Neufeld would say, I am defended against my tears which I realize is not an ideal temperament.

Unfortunately, as time passed and it was clear that life would not return to normal, I realized that I had begun abusing alcohol. Being part of this Ray Peat community, I 'hacked' a way to function and avoided getting hung over. I had internalized so much anger which I didn't fully deal with. The only time I was aware of the anger and stress I suppressed was when I was playing squash and yelling. Having an outlet like squash or sports would be a great way for you to gauge and unravel repressed stress.

The abuse of alcohol contributed to my father's demise and I came to a tough decision to address my own problem. Instead of quitting, I opted for the Sinclair Method which involves Naltrexone, an hour before every time I drink. My drinking has reduced greatly thanks to the method. However the sadness remains and the grief is not as easily overcome. Despite being an atheist, I feel a connection to my Dad like a vibey resonance of life's continuum. Remembering the funny stories and telling the fond memories of my Dad, who is an enigma to me, is part of the transition to the new perspective of reality I am tasked with grappling.

Take the time to feel and then heal. If you meet resistance from your employer consider quitting. It's not easy to deal with the craziness of life but think about using every molecule of your body to move in the proper direction, even if that means moving thru pain. Don't avoid the hurt but take it as it comes knowing that it will eventually pass.

Thank you for sharing that and I am sorry for your loss!

I apologize for taking so long to respond.

I hope you are doing well and moving through your process as you should.

 

[Peatful]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I apologize for not responding sooner.

As you can imagine it's been quite journey these past few months.

What I've noticed is that anxiety has been manifesting in other parts of my life. I immediately address them.

However, I've had to address way more than I could have imagined. 1-2x a week I get tension or what feels like the beginning of an attack. I get through it... but its not pleasant.

The tension comes when I go at a new level of discomfort in my life in areas that I've needed to address. Once I address it I come out on the other side in a great place and much stronger than before I went through it.

Thank you for taking the time to write.

You are doing the hard work that many others are too fearful to do.

Painful stuff.

This is a good update.
Hugs.

 

[Beastmode]

We just had a close family member pass away Christmas Eve and I can say without a doubt that keeping my metabolic system strong (body temp up and pulse strong) is a must. I notice everyone not wanting to eat and waiting long hours in between before the next meal and it's only making them more stressed out and feel bad for themselves. Nothing wrong with seeking comfort during these times, but not pity.

I'm pretty good in times like these, but it's definitely different now that I'm much more aware of how to get the fuel in, long walks, good nights sleep, etc as it has really helped the grieving process.

It's only been 2 days so it's pretty fresh, but I feel way more of a contribution to others during this time than what I would be if I was not taking care of myself. Also, I can be sad without going through unnecessary pain...

 

[inthedark]

Email between Ray and myself.

I just came across this thread again, after again losing someone close and looking for the quote you posted. I should have said this last time, but thank you so much for sharing that quote from your email with Ray. I’ve thought about it so much and it has greatly shaped my approach to dealing with death. It’s been truly invaluable and impactful.

 

[SOMO]

I just came across this thread again, after again losing someone close and looking for the quote you posted. I should have said this last time, but thank you so much for sharing that quote from your email with Ray. I’ve thought about it so much and it has greatly shaped my approach to dealing with death. It’s been truly invaluable and impactful.

Focus on the good memories you built with this person, and you'll find the positive memories take up more space in your heart than the grief. It's easier to deal with the pain when you focus on the good aspects of your relationship with the deceased person.

In 2018 my father passed away (suddeny/unexpected) then in 2020 my boyfriend of 4 years passed away as well suddenly.

I was there in the hospital when my father passed away, which was traumatic to see but I'm glad I was there with him (and my father knew my mom and I were there, so he did not go alone.) Basically, as the staff was doing the final round of CPR on my dad, I yelled out "Dad we love you!" and his heart restarted for a split second (after more than 30 minutes of CPR from the staff). That's how I know my father heard me. If life was a movie, my dad's heart would have restarted and he would revive, but life is not a movie so all I got was a heartbeat to acknowledge his love.

My partner got sick during the covid epidemic, so the hospital would not let me see him until it was too late. The only reason I was even able to see my boyfriend before he died is that he was in hospice at that point, which has no covid restrictions because the hospital staff figures "Oh well, they're gonna die anyway, no point in worrying about covid." Still, it was great seeing him, reminding him that I love him and just recounting our entire relationship. I held his hand for hours and just talked to him and even though he was pumped full of drugs and had limited brain activity, I saw tears coming from his eyes. I got to tell him everything I wanted to say, so there were no "regrets" and nothing left unsaid. I said my goodbyes and left the hospital. 2 days later the hospice staff called me at work that he was in the process of dying, but by that point I got everything off my chest so it wasn't so hard letting him go.

The pain would have been unbearable if I didn't get to say my goodbyes and express my love.

The hospice department also deserves credit and they made the process of saying bye to a dying person "bearable." They assured me he wasn't in pain and he was "comfortable" in his state, and although his brain and lungs were damaged, I know he felt my presence and voice in that room.

 

[Jasjeet]

Focus on the good memories you built with this person, and you'll find the positive memories take up more space in your heart than the grief. It's easier to deal with the pain when you focus on the good aspects of your relationship with the deceased person.

In 2018 my father passed away (suddeny/unexpected) then in 2020 my boyfriend of 4 years passed away as well suddenly.

I was there in the hospital when my father passed away, which was traumatic to see but I'm glad I was there with him (and my father knew my mom and I were there, so he did not go alone.) Basically, as the staff was doing the final round of CPR on my dad, I yelled out "Dad we love you!" and his heart restarted for a split second (after more than 30 minutes of CPR from the staff). That's how I know my father heard me. If life was a movie, my dad's heart would have restarted and he would revive, but life is not a movie so all I got was a heartbeat to acknowledge his love.

My partner got sick during the covid epidemic, so the hospital would not let me see him until it was too late. The only reason I was even able to see my boyfriend before he died is that he was in hospice at that point, which has no covid restrictions because the hospital staff figures "Oh well, they're gonna die anyway, no point in worrying about covid." Still, it was great seeing him, reminding him that I love him and just recounting our entire relationship. I held his hand for hours and just talked to him and even though he was pumped full of drugs and had limited brain activity, I saw tears coming from his eyes. I got to tell him everything I wanted to say, so there were no "regrets" and nothing left unsaid. I said my goodbyes and left the hospital. 2 days later the hospice staff called me at work that he was in the process of dying, but by that point I got everything off my chest so it wasn't so hard letting him go.

The pain would have been unbearable if I didn't get to say my goodbyes and express my love.

The hospice department also deserves credit and they made the process of saying bye to a dying person "bearable." They assured me he wasn't in pain and he was "comfortable" in his state, and although his brain and lungs were damaged, I know he felt my presence and voice in that room.

That was very emotional to read....I hope you are doing OK

 

[BrianF]

I'm sorry for your loss. As someone who is a parent and someone who has lost a parent recently, I can tell you one thing I share(d) with my Father. A fear that once you'd passed, your child (no matter their age) would grieve for you badly, to an extent that it had a greater negative effect beyond that which would be deemed normal (whatever that may be). In short, we don't want our children to hurt in any way and especially not in grief for ourselves. A parents love for a child is one of the few selfless expressions of love that a human is capable of. I'm sure your Father was no different in his love for you and would hate to think you were struggling to get over his death. Now allow yourself to slowly get over it.

Try to focus on the happy memories, the laughs, the crazy funny stuff, the good times. And don't forget to focus on yourself and the living. Both you and they deserve that too. And your father would tell you the same. i have no doubts about that.