THE BEST Of TIMES, THE WORST Of TIMES

[Simonsays]

As this is the thread of good writing and good music. No more "Tainted Love " for you TheBigP



"Once I ran to you (I ran)
Now I'll run from you
This tainted love you've given
I give you all a girl could give you
Take my tears and that's not nearly all
Tainted love (oh)
Tainted love"

 

[calamityjane]

Awe, GREAT TUNE....Thanks Simon!!!

"But I can't stop now
I've been trying to reach my goal too long
to give up my journey now
and I believe that I'm on the right track..."

I looked up what RP had to say about Bone Scans. The quote below is the first two sentences from his article entitled Bone Density: First Do No Harm (the bold is mine)...I had never read this article before, mostly because I never thought my bones might be in jeopardy. But what incredible insight RP holds, no?

"No topic can be understood in isolation. People frequently ask me what they should do about their diagnosed osteoporosis/osteopenia, and when they mention “computer controlled” and “dual photon x-ray” bone density tests, my attention tends to jump past their bones, their diet, and their hormones, to the way they must perceive themselves and their place in the world."--RP

WOW.

I came to this forum because my physical health had COMPLETELY crashed...I'm experiencing the best physical health of my life right now, which is rather amazing for someone my age.

My mental health is catching up quickly.

THE REMEDY:

I've decided to write my father a Letter. I began writing it on the computer, but changed my mind because I kept going back and editing. It was interrupting the flow.

So I've decided that I need to write this letter by hand.
I'm staring at my Health File, it's several inches thick and represents many decades of trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me.
Why am I holding on to this ***t?
Why do I keep subjecting myself to the scrutiny of the Clueless?
What am I trying to prove?
I've decided to write The Letter on the backs of each lab result, each lame "diagnosis".
It will be agonizing.
And very very ugly.

When I'm finally finished purging myself of the pain...the vile gut-wrenching hatred and the simultaneous sickening need for his approval I will burn The Letter and never revisit this bull**** again.

I refuse to be tainted.
I refuse to be burdened.
I refuse to be poisoned.
No more.

I'm gonna have a bon-fire and set my soul free.

 

[thebigpeatowski]

@mayweatherking, I'm not sure if you've read it but this post from page 26 of the log has a lot of detailed information.
THE BEST Of TIMES, THE WORST Of TIMES

Blossom=Miracle Worker

See mayweatherking? These loving Forum Peeps are miles ahead of us....we're in good hands here.

Oh and Nystatina is available over the counter in Mexico too!!!

Only us 'murikans are f*cked....have I talked about Organized Crime yet?

 

[calamityjane]

View attachment 3569

Just wanted to say thankyou @thebigpeatowski for sharing your journey with us & wish you luck with dumping the motherload (fatherload?). I wanted to post to you the other day but brainfog & a cold, could barely string a sentence together. No better now but I don't want to lose the moment & I know you'll understand. I think you've really found the major component of good health. Happiness! And people who were blessed with a loving supportive family through childhood have an enormous advantage. So hats off to you for trying to give your children that. And it's the trying that counts. I hope you find a way to get internet on your bus 'cause I sure will miss you. Park yourself up somewhere beautiful & write. You are so talented. I'd buy your book. Income solved!

 

[lollipop]

Park yourself up somewhere beautiful & write. You are so talented. I'd buy your book. Income solved!

@thebigpeatowski your presence adds soooo much to any conversation.

 

[Simonsays]

No better now but I don't want to lose the moment & I know you'll understand. I think you've really found the major component of good health. Happiness! And people who were blessed with a loving supportive family through childhood have an enormous advantage.

 

[mayweatherking]

Blossom=Miracle Worker

See mayweatherking? These loving Forum Peeps are miles ahead of us....we're in good hands here.

Oh and Nystatina is available over the counter in Mexico too!!!

Only us 'murikans are f*cked....have I talked about Organized Crime yet?

yeah thats not cool. so @thebigpeatowski ... was there anything else you did that you think helped? i see you did a lot of garlic, do you really think that helped you? was it just fungal overload that really did it to you? like, do you think you just had a hard time erradicating the fungus? i ordered the nystatin, i also recently got some new thyroid, but i'm not sure if i'm going to use it. i took some today but didnt really notice anything from it to be honest, it really seems like the fungus is what is the problem here for me at least, i still see it on my body a little bit.

 

[thebigpeatowski]

I'm a Seeker, always have been. I know that you peeps are Seekers too because you're here, reading the Ray Peat forum. You wouldn't be here if you weren't actively seeking the Truth....searching for solutions...persistent in your quest for another piece of the puzzle.

yeah thats not cool. so @thebigpeatowski ... was there anything else you did that you think helped? i see you did a lot of garlic, do you really think that helped you? was it just fungal overload that really did it to you? like, do you think you just had a hard time erradicating the fungus? i ordered the nystatin, i also recently got some new thyroid, but i'm not sure if i'm going to use it. i took some today but didnt really notice anything from it to be honest, it really seems like the fungus is what is the problem here for me at least, i still see it on my body a little bit.

I've asked these questions many times before regarding My Condition: Which comes first, the chicken or the egg? Does yeast/bacterial overgrowth take down the thyroid or does a low metabolism cause the overgrowth? Does excess estrogen from too much body fat suppress the thyroid or does a sluggish metabolism cause the fat gain? Does mental stress raise serotonin and suppress metabolism? Do poor coping skills hamper energy production or is it simply that my hypo-metabolic brain is to blame???

The answer is YES to all of the above... they're all vicious cycles.

And in the end, it doesn't matter. ALL of it needs to be addressed. As much as I would love to believe that there is a proper process...a Magical Inventory of pharmaceuticals/supplements... a To Do Directory where I systematically cross off items in orderly fashion, finally achieving nirvana. The truth is life can be messy and complicated. No aspect should be viewed separately. Roll with it.

I don't have the answers for you, @mayweatherking. You and you alone hold the solutions for your situation. But I can tell you from my own experience that the reason you don't have a girlfriend (something you mention frequently) isn't because you have thinning hair, or chest fungus or puffy nipples or that Jimmy hasn't worked right for seven years....or whatever. That's all superficial bull****. My statement is in NO way meant to diminish your suffering or loneliness, nor am I standing in judgment. God knows that would certainly make me the proverbial Pot calling the Kettle black.

Thick luscious hair and a gf is NO panacea for what ails you.

But you might try to reframe the way you think about your situation and be grateful that you are being shown a way out while unshackled...unburdened by the requirements of love, so to speak. (I'm assuming you would prefer a meaningful and lasting relationship, but I could be wrong).

Drawing from my own experience, while I've never had trouble attracting a mate, I've historically been what I semi-jokingly refer to as a Sh*t Magnet....attracting the WRONG sorts of men. There's a reason for that and the common denominator is ME. Trust me, being with the wrong person is faaaar more damaging than being alone. (Insert a mental image of fully loaded sani-can being dumped on your balding head)....or worse.

My point is this: Even if the Nystatin eradicates your fungus, the wrong mate would most likely tear your tender heart from your formerly fungus covered chest... leaving you beaten, bleeding and broke. Nobody needs that, so let's give thanks that you've been given this time to be by yourself and find true healing, from the inside out.

Perhaps Nystatin will be your Magic Bullet, who knows? I suspect there's other work to be done regarding your situation, but again I could be wrong.

Keep seeking, you'll find exactly what you need.

 

[Simonsays]

Shes back ,shes on form and she likes The Who.....whats not to like :) Go girl!!!

You just know, when you know, you just know, youve got somewhere to go, when you go, must be like nothing else................something like happiness




@mayweatherking Re your no girlfriend/baldness hypothesis....how can i put it,, in a RPF way...its a reductionist/authoritarian position. Far too simplistic/rigid man! Is it all just about hair?? Bald men do have girlfriends/wives , look around you. Also millions of men with hair dont. Dont stress it.

 

[thebigpeatowski]

ADMINISTERING THE REMEDY.


Today is the day. I didn't choose today, like so many things in my life recently, it chose me. I've given up trying to schedule much of anything. I've noticed the older I get, the less control I have, maybe that's a good thing. The Universe is forcing my hand, Our Lady of Perpetual Procrastination can put it off no more. That which I have (unsuccessfully) avoided for over 40 years will finally be dealt with and laid to rest TODAY...if I don't die first.

There is no manual for this process, if one exists I didn't read it and I surely don't have time to now...I'm floundering. Blind....running on instinct. Desperately thinking I should've set up a Vodka Red Bull I.V. drip for the occasion.

My mother would tell you that I do my best work under pressure, it's true, but I hate that about myself. Intense pressure can be both crippling and freeing, how odd.

It's pouring down rain with appropriate dreary grey cloud cover. My hands and feet have grown icy cold in anticipation. I remind myself that I survived my childhood, surely I can survive writing a Letter.

Not knowing where to begin, I brace myself for the onslaught of memories that I've ineffectively tried to run from for decades. I feel my chest tighten, my breathing becomes shallow and halting. Burning heat climbs the back of my neck....

The physical discomfort that accompanies these memories triggers a last ditch effort of avoidance, I sidetrack myself to ponder what memories made of....How do we carry them? Why do we hold on to bad ones? Are they actually incorporated into our tissues, like physically? Why the physical reaction? And a million more questions.

But it's nothing more than the Ten Millionth feeble hijack to busy myself with more research instead of focusing on the deeply disturbing task at hand.

Nice try Brain..... as if trying to wrap my brain around something I will never be able to comprehend will somehow make a difference? No, no amount studying will make this situation palatable.

How do you forgive the Unforgivable?

Meanwhile my heart is crying to be set free. I have no plan. I just need to dive in.....the searing heat instantly returns and tears begin to distort my vision.

I've already died a hundred soul-crushing deaths, what's one more?

I'm hoping there's light at the end....

Shes back ,shes on form and she likes The Who.....whats not to like :) Go girl!!!

You just know, when you know, you just know, youve got somewhere to go, when you go, must be like nothing else................something like happiness

We've got a great soundtrack going on this log @Simonsays. Thanks so much for sharing and for hanging in there with me through the less than ideal parts of this journey.

 

[tara]

I remind myself that I survived my childhood, surely I can survive writing a Letter.

I concur - the odds are much better now. :)
Got a bucket of hot water or woolley slippers for the frozen feet?
A big hanky for the sweat and tears?
Someone to give you a hug if you want one when you're done?
Breath out and hold now and then if the breathing speeds up too much?

 

[thebigpeatowski]

Just wanted to say thankyou @thebigpeatowski for sharing your journey with us & wish you luck with dumping the motherload (fatherload?). I wanted to post to you the other day but brainfog & a cold, could barely string a sentence together. No better now but I don't want to lose the moment & I know you'll understand. I think you've really found the major component of good health. Happiness! And people who were blessed with a loving supportive family through childhood have an enormous advantage. So hats off to you for trying to give your children that. And it's the trying that counts. I hope you find a way to get internet on your bus 'cause I sure will miss you. Park yourself up somewhere beautiful & write. You are so talented. I'd buy your book. Income solved!

Yep, today I dump the Fatherload of sh*t. And for those who previously believed Motherload to be supreme, Fatherload is most definitely the UNSURPASSED superlative.

Thank you so much for your kind words!!! I'm not a writer (don't people go to school for that sort of thing?) and I may have nothing to say when this is all over, who knows? (laughable)

I'll have a laptop with me and I'll be documenting stuff along my BUS journey. I suppose I'll find wi-fi hot spots to start with until I figure out the technology...XOXO

 

[tara]

I'm not a writer

Can't fool us.

 

[Rafe]

A change of scenery sounds like a great idea right now. Can't wait to hear about the trip. I went on a road trip this summer. Love's Truck Stop is like heaven. They sell liquor in the truck stops in Missouri. And there's a bridge I crossed outside Cairo, Kentucky that I'm going to need therapy for. Can't recommend that.
Do you mind if I ask, did you decide against the ayahuasca? I'm just curious b/c I wonder how it compares to psilocybes. I haven't done either of those & I can't barf. But I'm thinking of branching out next summer.

 

[mayweatherking]

I'm a Seeker, always have been. I know that you peeps are Seekers too because you're here, reading the Ray Peat forum. You wouldn't be here if you weren't actively seeking the Truth....searching for solutions...persistent in your quest for another piece of the puzzle.





I've asked these questions many times before regarding My Condition: Which comes first, the chicken or the egg? Does yeast/bacterial overgrowth take down the thyroid or does a low metabolism cause the overgrowth? Does excess estrogen from too much body fat suppress the thyroid or does a sluggish metabolism cause the fat gain? Does mental stress raise serotonin and suppress metabolism? Do poor coping skills hamper energy production or is it simply that my hypo-metabolic brain is to blame???

The answer is YES to all of the above... they're all vicious cycles.

And in the end, it doesn't matter. ALL of it needs to be addressed. As much as I would love to believe that there is a proper process...a Magical Inventory of pharmaceuticals/supplements... a To Do Directory where I systematically cross off items in orderly fashion, finally achieving nirvana. The truth is life can be messy and complicated. No aspect should be viewed separately. Roll with it.

I don't have the answers for you, @mayweatherking. You and you alone hold the solutions for your situation. But I can tell you from my own experience that the reason you don't have a girlfriend (something you mention frequently) isn't because you have thinning hair, or chest fungus or puffy nipples or that Jimmy hasn't worked right for seven years....or whatever. That's all superficial bull****. My statement is in NO way meant to diminish your suffering or loneliness, nor am I standing in judgment. God knows that would certainly make me the proverbial Pot calling the Kettle black.

Thick luscious hair and a gf is NO panacea for what ails you.

But you might try to reframe the way you think about your situation and be grateful that you are being shown a way out while unshackled...unburdened by the requirements of love, so to speak. (I'm assuming you would prefer a meaningful and lasting relationship, but I could be wrong).

Drawing from my own experience, while I've never had trouble attracting a mate, I've historically been what I semi-jokingly refer to as a Sh*t Magnet....attracting the WRONG sorts of men. There's a reason for that and the common denominator is ME. Trust me, being with the wrong person is faaaar more damaging than being alone. (Insert a mental image of fully loaded sani-can being dumped on your balding head)....or worse.

My point is this: Even if the Nystatin eradicates your fungus, the wrong mate would most likely tear your tender heart from your formerly fungus covered chest... leaving you beaten, bleeding and broke. Nobody needs that, so let's give thanks that you've been given this time to be by yourself and find true healing, from the inside out.

Perhaps Nystatin will be your Magic Bullet, who knows? I suspect there's other work to be done regarding your situation, but again I could be wrong.

Keep seeking, you'll find exactly what you need.

I would drop my entire bank account to feel heartbroken again. Being completely emotionless, asexual, and feel nothing is no existence I want to be a part of. I'm getting very tired of feeling the way I do. I understand everything you are saying. You have been to hell and back again like me, you know what it feels like to feel this way. For men and women it is different. I know what you are saying, but a man, with very low testosterone, and is balding on top of that, is not something good. And the whole I want a girlfriend thing, should really be I want to feel again.

When I first took flucanazole.. it was very nice.. I actually felt like I was completely way interested in a co worker, I haven't felt that way in a very, very, very long time. But it fadedddddddddddddddddddddddd... . I'm still working on it though.

I have so much to accomplish.. I need this fixxeeedddd.

Anyway though, what I'm trying to get at is ask you if you think the fungus was blocking your metabolism. I agree with you, you need to hit all angles and I know my situation is different, but let's call a spade a spade here, the anti fungals are doing something for me for sure. I cut dairy out again myself and I noticed I feel my hunger kicking back in right now after I had a bowel movement today which is nice.

Were you ever able to get dairy back into your diet again? I'm just curious on exactly what happened with you. So you did the heavy garlic and you did the nystatin, and that is what cleared the endotoxin and fungus in your situation?

 

[Simonsays]

Ohh @thebigpeatowski i wish you all the best in your latest journey.

I think you have been suffering a form of Complex PTSD , as so many of us are but are unaware, from childhood trauma. The emotional flashbacks,...i think you know the origins of your health issues. I would seriously look into it,,,everything starting to make sense for me, though painfull

The 4fs of trauma defense. (Fight, Flight (keeping busy at all times, running away), Freeze (disassociation ,procrastination, inertia) Fawn)

It sounds like you are heading for a form of confrontation with your father. I wish you all the best with this.

Remember if youre trying to get him to say sorry or get some validation, he might never will and this could make you feel worse . (my father being NPD, i know m just wasting my time. I sometimes think he wasnt there , when i was growing up, well he wasnt emotionally, except to enable the abuser)

IF YOURE GOING TO LET HIM HAVE IT, well lets hope its really cathartic for you and it works out and lays a few ghosts once and for all.

If you are forgiving him , well thats to your enormous credit, if you truly can....

BUT YOU SHOULD AVOID TOXIC PEOPLE AT ALL TIMES, they reawaken your trauma.

Keep posting please

You cant write, i beg to differ........

Our Lady of Perpetual Procrastination can put it off no more.

Lets hope you get what you want

 

[denise]

Good luck with the toxic dump! That takes so much courage.

I hesitate to suggest something that will give you another way to procrastinate, but have you ever heard of EFT (aka Tapping)? There are a bazillion free videos out there about it. I came across it about 7 years ago when my life fell apart, and it made SUCH a difference. And it's so quick and easy. If I were doing a toxic dump, I would definitely use EFT throughout the process to help relieve the intense grief and stress of it all.

 

[mayweatherking]

@mayweatherking Re your no girlfriend/baldness hypothesis....how can i put it,, in a RPF way...its a reductionist/authoritarian position. Far too simplistic/rigid man! Is it all just about hair?? Bald men do have girlfriends/wives , look around you. Also millions of men with hair dont. Dont stress it.

you're right. i'm in a very off state of mind due to high estrogen i think.

 

[mayweatherking]

@thebigpeatowski hey, can you tell me if you can drink milk now? was it all just a fungal/bacterial issue causing you to unable to digest these things?

 

[Blossom]

@thebigpeatowski hey, can you tell me if you can drink milk now? was it all just a fungal/bacterial issue causing you to unable to digest these things?

I think she went out on the road with Betty so I'm not sure if she will get this anytime soon. If my memory serves me correctly she switched to goats milk. She mentions goats milk in this post.
THE BEST Of TIMES, THE WORST Of TIMES