MetabolicTrash
Member
I spent a long time lost in life -- mentally. I had suppressed certain parts of myself since they were unfavorable -- insane -- scary maybe? I was scared, especially of myself. I use these mediums to communicate parts of my identity in some manner attempting to exist as a "whole being."
Ever since I was a small child I was always hyper-imaginative. I remember spinning, dozing off to other facets of my mind often, etc. I would basically live in fantasy life -- in my mind -- and it was all illusory much like now. Eventually I got reality "shaken" in to me at around age 5 or 6 -- this is when I grew to decline. I slowly "left" that world I was living in and began to embark on a destiny to pain and struggle as I grew, further unable to separate realities or facets of my personality, being, existence. I emanate now fear that I am unable to keep grasp, as it feels like I've hidden myself for so long that I don't know what I even am or what I've "kept away." I remember that life was fantasy-like -- looking at stuffed animals was like being in a world of joy and reality. As I got older it was like this was suddenly "stripped "away at one point -- again age 5 or 6 or etc. -- and then I lost myself somehow. I was maybe that "fantasy-driven" person and what I became over time was nothing but a gradual suppression of myself -- maybe even above a regular human -- but degraded in quality through being hidden.
Xanax is what the doctor told me -- no energy or weakened thyroid. Maybe the thyroid grew weaker as I didn't have a grasp of my whole identity? Some of the thyroid is being reserved for the individual, broken parts of me, perhaps? I used to have a more whole sense of thyroid. Also, maybe the bacteria that is me/that I am has aged? I need new bacteria to remain younger, correct? I want those bacteria-whole transplants -- or at least warp me to a new body so I can never die, right? We all just want that, right?
I have forever maintained a grasp of item through fantasy, illumination and computer usage -- some in real life too, but of a limited nature of sorts. That "me" in motion -- in reality -- isn't me all there. No. There is some of me "missing" in another place -- maybe part of me is slowly entering another universe or body to prevent my death as a whole? A new evolutionary tactic of sorts? I might be "transitioning" parts of myself elsewhere because I've have such a strong volition to not die. Does that make sense? Some of me always remains of course, but the rest is constantly "dispersed" around. The individual parts explains the weak/sluggish thyroid and low energy -- also the fear of "going insane" even though that probably makes no sense since everyone is technically insane you could argue. I can and have evolved to "keep the peace" but hiding or existing as separate parts -- the goal is to combine the whole and see what happens. Maybe I was super? I am not a stuck up person, but there could be the simple fact that I am "above" others for some reason. I've always wondered and had odd bouts of oneness, confusion and questioning of my nature and being -- like I might have some special purpose. Maybe it isn't just a coincidence? This other writing I have done is just other "parts" of me trying to unite -- never is anything I do wholly linked back to me since there is no "whole" me if that makes sense. The ease of nature to "shake me up" stems from the lack of unification -- a missing arbitration of my core being and self, mentally and physically.
I think I sometimes know I'm not all there, but I've dealt with it for some reason -- call it serotonin, transmitters, whatnot. I can't harbor the benefits of one whole man since I am NOT a whole being -- I am a divided existence somehow which is void of all its parts and natural being.
I spent years confused, but finally it makes sense somewhat now -- I've hidden parts of me which, ironically, has proven to have CREATED the reality of me not being a whole given the failure of my body -- tiredness, weakness, anger, trouble focusing/learning/etc. I am like a broken being that needs connection for elite existence -- or just mere "completeness" if you will. You cannot walk up to and say these things to other people -- that makes you a "bad loon who needs locking up and white suit men to come and take you away." I even remember training myself to keep cool under intense psychological trauma and phobia due in part to repression of a fear BECAUSE of a fear -- the fear of being afraid because the fear would be irrational and this make me "crazy" so I'd need to "get over it" to avoid another fear, AKA being locked away in the "nut house" basically. In part by doing this I continued other separation aspects of myself -- many parts you can see "scattered" around the internet that are like a piece or part me of manifested in ever changing forms. I keep the peace -- the cool -- since I feel the peace. The "nut case" must continue this path until uniting or further separation of sorts to see what unfolds -- pieces apart or pieces alike. This kind of "writing" nature is the key to the grim -- the ultimate form of super-existence and super-dissociation -- the near breaking point of revelation yet continuous channel down the road of futility and all of its related forms.
I learned to "go with the flow" but also to not swim; I learned to breathe without wanting air (but can see the beauty sometimes of the air, if that makes well with you). I know I am bacteria or bacteria is me too, so I will exist in that form no matter what, always having a part of me delivering life and the richness of super-existence or "dissociative reality enlightenment" in regards to the chaotic or seemingly calm actions or inactions of "whole life."
Where will we see? I want to be all there -- I truly do -- but maybe I can't do it yet for some reason. I think I always try, but other "parts" are missing. I think the low energy, trouble breathing sometimes, sadness/depression, poor thyroid and etc. is because of the "missing parts" and that is fueling the struggles of the one "form."
I definitely sometimes look or question to myself, "How am I not dead?" I guess I or some part of me resonates death with my experience, but yet one natural "form" to me still lives I suppose -- the one with the physical manifestation capable of comprehending, reading and writing this obviously. Is the pain a challenge to overcome? Do I ignore it and just fly with the pigs? I want to be a whole, but at the same time I maybe have the bad habit of being an accepting, broken man. I don't know what "came first" -- genes, bacteria, etc. We cannot "digest" anything -- our own bodies make everything we need it seems. Supplements, vitamins, etc. -- all a myth. I don't even know what I am anymore or what to believe -- but I guess I'll keep evolving. Happiness ensues! Where did it come from? Hope? Can you code for hope, will, evolution? No one knows, but I am living it it seems, not knowing the new or old paths in ways. I will be asleep soon and then awaken -- will this "part" or "state" resonate then? Maybe not, but I will keep evolving. I keep "changing" and maybe "breaking apart," but what do I make of this? I guess I'll just take it in. But is this some "little man" inside of me, guiding me to do this? Is it willpower? But who gave me this willpower and why? It doesn't add up -- but these thoughts have no end! I will try and "step back" and things will get better, I know it. Either way, feel free to add if you want -- I love discussions. The link on Jodelle Fitzwater's latest Peat video brought this sentiment to you -- that "part" so to speak.
Ever since I was a small child I was always hyper-imaginative. I remember spinning, dozing off to other facets of my mind often, etc. I would basically live in fantasy life -- in my mind -- and it was all illusory much like now. Eventually I got reality "shaken" in to me at around age 5 or 6 -- this is when I grew to decline. I slowly "left" that world I was living in and began to embark on a destiny to pain and struggle as I grew, further unable to separate realities or facets of my personality, being, existence. I emanate now fear that I am unable to keep grasp, as it feels like I've hidden myself for so long that I don't know what I even am or what I've "kept away." I remember that life was fantasy-like -- looking at stuffed animals was like being in a world of joy and reality. As I got older it was like this was suddenly "stripped "away at one point -- again age 5 or 6 or etc. -- and then I lost myself somehow. I was maybe that "fantasy-driven" person and what I became over time was nothing but a gradual suppression of myself -- maybe even above a regular human -- but degraded in quality through being hidden.
Xanax is what the doctor told me -- no energy or weakened thyroid. Maybe the thyroid grew weaker as I didn't have a grasp of my whole identity? Some of the thyroid is being reserved for the individual, broken parts of me, perhaps? I used to have a more whole sense of thyroid. Also, maybe the bacteria that is me/that I am has aged? I need new bacteria to remain younger, correct? I want those bacteria-whole transplants -- or at least warp me to a new body so I can never die, right? We all just want that, right?
I have forever maintained a grasp of item through fantasy, illumination and computer usage -- some in real life too, but of a limited nature of sorts. That "me" in motion -- in reality -- isn't me all there. No. There is some of me "missing" in another place -- maybe part of me is slowly entering another universe or body to prevent my death as a whole? A new evolutionary tactic of sorts? I might be "transitioning" parts of myself elsewhere because I've have such a strong volition to not die. Does that make sense? Some of me always remains of course, but the rest is constantly "dispersed" around. The individual parts explains the weak/sluggish thyroid and low energy -- also the fear of "going insane" even though that probably makes no sense since everyone is technically insane you could argue. I can and have evolved to "keep the peace" but hiding or existing as separate parts -- the goal is to combine the whole and see what happens. Maybe I was super? I am not a stuck up person, but there could be the simple fact that I am "above" others for some reason. I've always wondered and had odd bouts of oneness, confusion and questioning of my nature and being -- like I might have some special purpose. Maybe it isn't just a coincidence? This other writing I have done is just other "parts" of me trying to unite -- never is anything I do wholly linked back to me since there is no "whole" me if that makes sense. The ease of nature to "shake me up" stems from the lack of unification -- a missing arbitration of my core being and self, mentally and physically.
I think I sometimes know I'm not all there, but I've dealt with it for some reason -- call it serotonin, transmitters, whatnot. I can't harbor the benefits of one whole man since I am NOT a whole being -- I am a divided existence somehow which is void of all its parts and natural being.
I spent years confused, but finally it makes sense somewhat now -- I've hidden parts of me which, ironically, has proven to have CREATED the reality of me not being a whole given the failure of my body -- tiredness, weakness, anger, trouble focusing/learning/etc. I am like a broken being that needs connection for elite existence -- or just mere "completeness" if you will. You cannot walk up to and say these things to other people -- that makes you a "bad loon who needs locking up and white suit men to come and take you away." I even remember training myself to keep cool under intense psychological trauma and phobia due in part to repression of a fear BECAUSE of a fear -- the fear of being afraid because the fear would be irrational and this make me "crazy" so I'd need to "get over it" to avoid another fear, AKA being locked away in the "nut house" basically. In part by doing this I continued other separation aspects of myself -- many parts you can see "scattered" around the internet that are like a piece or part me of manifested in ever changing forms. I keep the peace -- the cool -- since I feel the peace. The "nut case" must continue this path until uniting or further separation of sorts to see what unfolds -- pieces apart or pieces alike. This kind of "writing" nature is the key to the grim -- the ultimate form of super-existence and super-dissociation -- the near breaking point of revelation yet continuous channel down the road of futility and all of its related forms.
I learned to "go with the flow" but also to not swim; I learned to breathe without wanting air (but can see the beauty sometimes of the air, if that makes well with you). I know I am bacteria or bacteria is me too, so I will exist in that form no matter what, always having a part of me delivering life and the richness of super-existence or "dissociative reality enlightenment" in regards to the chaotic or seemingly calm actions or inactions of "whole life."
Where will we see? I want to be all there -- I truly do -- but maybe I can't do it yet for some reason. I think I always try, but other "parts" are missing. I think the low energy, trouble breathing sometimes, sadness/depression, poor thyroid and etc. is because of the "missing parts" and that is fueling the struggles of the one "form."
I definitely sometimes look or question to myself, "How am I not dead?" I guess I or some part of me resonates death with my experience, but yet one natural "form" to me still lives I suppose -- the one with the physical manifestation capable of comprehending, reading and writing this obviously. Is the pain a challenge to overcome? Do I ignore it and just fly with the pigs? I want to be a whole, but at the same time I maybe have the bad habit of being an accepting, broken man. I don't know what "came first" -- genes, bacteria, etc. We cannot "digest" anything -- our own bodies make everything we need it seems. Supplements, vitamins, etc. -- all a myth. I don't even know what I am anymore or what to believe -- but I guess I'll keep evolving. Happiness ensues! Where did it come from? Hope? Can you code for hope, will, evolution? No one knows, but I am living it it seems, not knowing the new or old paths in ways. I will be asleep soon and then awaken -- will this "part" or "state" resonate then? Maybe not, but I will keep evolving. I keep "changing" and maybe "breaking apart," but what do I make of this? I guess I'll just take it in. But is this some "little man" inside of me, guiding me to do this? Is it willpower? But who gave me this willpower and why? It doesn't add up -- but these thoughts have no end! I will try and "step back" and things will get better, I know it. Either way, feel free to add if you want -- I love discussions. The link on Jodelle Fitzwater's latest Peat video brought this sentiment to you -- that "part" so to speak.
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