MetabolicTrash
Member
I know the title looks like gibberish, but it has specific, contextual but varying meanings. When I was younger I noticed that I used to make up words and attached a meaning to them based on any sensation or supposition of my self, others, and image of my identity all in one context -- or basically a "note" of my being within a realm of specific situations that I then acknowledged. I remember feeling odd and non-explainable feelings at times of my perception of myself in certain situations -- or my experience of others in certain situations who may be experiencing me or something else.
There are occasions I have taken note of in the past, mostly as part of a "noting" system. I will make this as simple as possible, but these terms are generalities -- they do not have to mean any one thing but point to a specific psychological reaction from a supposed physical and/or psychological mechanism.
These terms -- Qua-ga or Qua-da -- refer to a specific effect of prevailing embarrassment or awareness of one in response to the observation of another's observance and your realization of this as a person in said unification. Imagine -- for simplicity -- that you are around people. When around these people you identify with yourself as 'X' regarding past or present or possible future emotional images, like imaging yourself as a disembodied actor within a film and taking on the feelings and sensations regarding how others in the scene interpret you or how you in relation to others interpret yourself. I would browse around and always fall back to some automatic take on of both my feelings of how I think I should have felt + combining the sensations I'd imagine others are also feeling, with synchronicities between how I feel in the scope of others and how another might feel in the scope of another (or a hypothetical regarding myself and another combined, varying depending on my view of each individual person and the overall situation/context/place/etc.).
This may sound like insane business -- the work of a genius mastermind -- but really I took no effort in doing this -- seemed automatic. I noted that I would "radiate" emotions powerfully when in the presence of others -- sometimes in a manic/black and white view and others in a subtle but varying one. I would go places and see others, immediately reading off the details of the scene and then taking that back to some faint establishment of where I stand in said environment and how the emotional "wiring" or production would encompass everything, considering of course the belief and continuing observations and assumptions of how I and others would interact and feel.
I would notice some people as an example may look hurt and realize others don't notice (or I believed others didn't notice) -- and this would radiate to me as suffering like I am that person in pain. I suppose I was actually around those suffering and wasn't my imagination -- I've had depressed, sick, etc. relatives and such so it wasn't my imagination wholly even if I didn't know with "certainty" of what I drew from others. I know I would see others in varying "spots" of a scene you could say and then start radiating channels of like energy or feelings between the broadened spectrum of everyone -- like I was somehow everyone (in my imagination of their states from my perception) and also no one -- like I was an empty shell just observing but not "real" enough to matter. It's clear I have had what some could call "identity issues" ever since a kid -- just have no idea where to go from there.
I suppose it's simply an attempt at" taking on" others attributes and imagining myself with a list of traits that would define me. For example, when I was a kid I would witness characters in TV programs/cartoons/etc. and just literally imagine I was them. No, not just horsing around or lightly copying -- I would start actually feeling how the characters I'd envision would feel and take on their traits like some chameleon. I would get "lost" mentally and sometimes there were possible "scary" situations when this happened too, like I got "lost" from my body or identity and then "fall back" in to awareness somehow. The terminology I would use is basically made up -- things like a self-reference or acknowledgment is possibly a way to remind myself that I'm aware of such realities I'm trying to participate or simply adhere with. Qua-ga and Qua-da was a self-reference -- something I did when telling myself something happened.
For example, imagine you see a cat hurt and people around don't notice. You know the cat's in pain and want it to be noticed -- so you take on the pain of the cat. As others don't notice the cat is in pain you continue feeling more pain like you were the cat. You then observe this and think of it as "evil" or "wrong" -- and then start emulating the wrong behavior in fantasy -- i.e. pretending to be "bad people" around the "suffering cat" and torturing the cat in mind, doing the then "right thing" as observed by the conclusion of things happening around you. Are you dialing the "white suits" to come yet? Ha!
I've seen suffering or pain or unfairness and have also seen it unjustly go unnoticed or outright ignored. I have strong imprints of this you could say in my mind -- like a burned in image of wrong and unjust things that I believed to be purely bad. I have then wondered -- as a child -- since these things were bad and still happened, what can I do about it? I did absolutely nothing -- and had to develop the habit of acting out prevailing fantasies of the unjust or confusing things I couldn't emotionally process.
Seen a child get smacked/slapped? Repeatedly imagine yourself as an abuser and torturter since this is unjust and you don't like it. See a kid traumatized or frozen by fear by an adult? Envision yourself as that adult doing the same thing in subpsychotic fantasy situations played out. What about actually following through with what you see? I have always hated it, but never did anything about it.
How can I or have I lived through this without doing anything about what I've seen? Possibly because I tried to do things as a kid and I couldn't get resolve/conclusion/satisfaction. I guess maybe as I failed to rectify issues as a kid, I just learned to fantasize and allow my mind to wander. But to where?
I define the "repose" as me speaking to myself like an observer of myself maybe? Imagine you are announcing something to yourself as "somebody else" -- like a different identity -- but all them embody one total awareness just broken apart and neither having any distinct or measurable meaning, time delay or separation from one whole. You can think of this as yourself talking to you like you're letting yourself know something, but somehow from another "part" even though it's not completely distinct from you as a whole. I remember also the "good" and "evil" thoughts -- like two sides fighting within my mind -- and getting angry or "scared" at the two sides fighting. These sometimes vague memories did elicit stuff like intense fear or chills, creepy/unusual feelings/terrification and etc. It's like maybe with "repose" I've seen things and let myself know of the "structure" or my place in it among others -- like I'm maybe doing some scene/design/creation of aspects of my reality around me or further visualizing them. It can literally be just announcing or letting myself formally know things -- in my past as I recall this now -- not stuff I really do anymore.
Right now I feel kind of loopy/spacey -- like I'm both here and not here, or like someone else is possibly manipulating me? It's kind of weird but not scary -- just wish I could get a better "grasp" on my identity and self. Like who am I? I know my name and etc. -- but that's not me. I am not a name and a disembodiment in part of a biological system or rule -- I am supposed to be unique with an identity. I fail to see any complete identity -- I'm not "all here" or not sure if I am.
I remember lots of "imprint" memories that are still confusing to me now -- anything from relatives shunning me that are "burned" in negatively (I just learned to ignore them but I still can recall them at times like now) -- all the way to strange, odd or "evil" like memories of people, confirming some sort of "flip-flop" or uncertainty in the way I've grown to express or see and take in the world and people around me. Have I maybe "kept too much in" or something like that, if it makes sense?
The one reason I think I noticed I like viewing TV or looking at screens is that it "escapes me" from this odd place I fall in to sometimes in my head or somewhere like now. Is this serotonin or something else? I'm not trying to "over think" or get lost in my mind, but sometimes these strange situations happen and they bring about old memories and questioning of myself. I remember particularly scary or weird feelings that on first thought should have been normal, but I would -- as a child for example -- respond to seemingly "normal" things in weird/unusual ways. I recall things from terrifying/phobic experiences to nightmare patterns to strained family situations/odd moments.
I grab my neck and notice -- QT interval normalized possibly? Heart beat is normal -- about 70 BPM. I guess I get lost in another "plane" it seems but the heart keeps going fairly well -- no stopping/pausing. Does my heart know I'm not whole? I guess it doesn't care! Ha! Sounds crazy, but then again maybe not. Well, I guess I can just ignore this and continue on -- I'll "normalize" again soon as I always do. There is no "end" -- only a new beginning. I just wish I could get a grasp on where I start or when I go, along with what I am. I guess I just need to fix this metabolism and the "crazy" will be less of a problem yes?
There are occasions I have taken note of in the past, mostly as part of a "noting" system. I will make this as simple as possible, but these terms are generalities -- they do not have to mean any one thing but point to a specific psychological reaction from a supposed physical and/or psychological mechanism.
These terms -- Qua-ga or Qua-da -- refer to a specific effect of prevailing embarrassment or awareness of one in response to the observation of another's observance and your realization of this as a person in said unification. Imagine -- for simplicity -- that you are around people. When around these people you identify with yourself as 'X' regarding past or present or possible future emotional images, like imaging yourself as a disembodied actor within a film and taking on the feelings and sensations regarding how others in the scene interpret you or how you in relation to others interpret yourself. I would browse around and always fall back to some automatic take on of both my feelings of how I think I should have felt + combining the sensations I'd imagine others are also feeling, with synchronicities between how I feel in the scope of others and how another might feel in the scope of another (or a hypothetical regarding myself and another combined, varying depending on my view of each individual person and the overall situation/context/place/etc.).
This may sound like insane business -- the work of a genius mastermind -- but really I took no effort in doing this -- seemed automatic. I noted that I would "radiate" emotions powerfully when in the presence of others -- sometimes in a manic/black and white view and others in a subtle but varying one. I would go places and see others, immediately reading off the details of the scene and then taking that back to some faint establishment of where I stand in said environment and how the emotional "wiring" or production would encompass everything, considering of course the belief and continuing observations and assumptions of how I and others would interact and feel.
I would notice some people as an example may look hurt and realize others don't notice (or I believed others didn't notice) -- and this would radiate to me as suffering like I am that person in pain. I suppose I was actually around those suffering and wasn't my imagination -- I've had depressed, sick, etc. relatives and such so it wasn't my imagination wholly even if I didn't know with "certainty" of what I drew from others. I know I would see others in varying "spots" of a scene you could say and then start radiating channels of like energy or feelings between the broadened spectrum of everyone -- like I was somehow everyone (in my imagination of their states from my perception) and also no one -- like I was an empty shell just observing but not "real" enough to matter. It's clear I have had what some could call "identity issues" ever since a kid -- just have no idea where to go from there.
I suppose it's simply an attempt at" taking on" others attributes and imagining myself with a list of traits that would define me. For example, when I was a kid I would witness characters in TV programs/cartoons/etc. and just literally imagine I was them. No, not just horsing around or lightly copying -- I would start actually feeling how the characters I'd envision would feel and take on their traits like some chameleon. I would get "lost" mentally and sometimes there were possible "scary" situations when this happened too, like I got "lost" from my body or identity and then "fall back" in to awareness somehow. The terminology I would use is basically made up -- things like a self-reference or acknowledgment is possibly a way to remind myself that I'm aware of such realities I'm trying to participate or simply adhere with. Qua-ga and Qua-da was a self-reference -- something I did when telling myself something happened.
For example, imagine you see a cat hurt and people around don't notice. You know the cat's in pain and want it to be noticed -- so you take on the pain of the cat. As others don't notice the cat is in pain you continue feeling more pain like you were the cat. You then observe this and think of it as "evil" or "wrong" -- and then start emulating the wrong behavior in fantasy -- i.e. pretending to be "bad people" around the "suffering cat" and torturing the cat in mind, doing the then "right thing" as observed by the conclusion of things happening around you. Are you dialing the "white suits" to come yet? Ha!
I've seen suffering or pain or unfairness and have also seen it unjustly go unnoticed or outright ignored. I have strong imprints of this you could say in my mind -- like a burned in image of wrong and unjust things that I believed to be purely bad. I have then wondered -- as a child -- since these things were bad and still happened, what can I do about it? I did absolutely nothing -- and had to develop the habit of acting out prevailing fantasies of the unjust or confusing things I couldn't emotionally process.
Seen a child get smacked/slapped? Repeatedly imagine yourself as an abuser and torturter since this is unjust and you don't like it. See a kid traumatized or frozen by fear by an adult? Envision yourself as that adult doing the same thing in subpsychotic fantasy situations played out. What about actually following through with what you see? I have always hated it, but never did anything about it.
How can I or have I lived through this without doing anything about what I've seen? Possibly because I tried to do things as a kid and I couldn't get resolve/conclusion/satisfaction. I guess maybe as I failed to rectify issues as a kid, I just learned to fantasize and allow my mind to wander. But to where?
I define the "repose" as me speaking to myself like an observer of myself maybe? Imagine you are announcing something to yourself as "somebody else" -- like a different identity -- but all them embody one total awareness just broken apart and neither having any distinct or measurable meaning, time delay or separation from one whole. You can think of this as yourself talking to you like you're letting yourself know something, but somehow from another "part" even though it's not completely distinct from you as a whole. I remember also the "good" and "evil" thoughts -- like two sides fighting within my mind -- and getting angry or "scared" at the two sides fighting. These sometimes vague memories did elicit stuff like intense fear or chills, creepy/unusual feelings/terrification and etc. It's like maybe with "repose" I've seen things and let myself know of the "structure" or my place in it among others -- like I'm maybe doing some scene/design/creation of aspects of my reality around me or further visualizing them. It can literally be just announcing or letting myself formally know things -- in my past as I recall this now -- not stuff I really do anymore.
Right now I feel kind of loopy/spacey -- like I'm both here and not here, or like someone else is possibly manipulating me? It's kind of weird but not scary -- just wish I could get a better "grasp" on my identity and self. Like who am I? I know my name and etc. -- but that's not me. I am not a name and a disembodiment in part of a biological system or rule -- I am supposed to be unique with an identity. I fail to see any complete identity -- I'm not "all here" or not sure if I am.
I remember lots of "imprint" memories that are still confusing to me now -- anything from relatives shunning me that are "burned" in negatively (I just learned to ignore them but I still can recall them at times like now) -- all the way to strange, odd or "evil" like memories of people, confirming some sort of "flip-flop" or uncertainty in the way I've grown to express or see and take in the world and people around me. Have I maybe "kept too much in" or something like that, if it makes sense?
The one reason I think I noticed I like viewing TV or looking at screens is that it "escapes me" from this odd place I fall in to sometimes in my head or somewhere like now. Is this serotonin or something else? I'm not trying to "over think" or get lost in my mind, but sometimes these strange situations happen and they bring about old memories and questioning of myself. I remember particularly scary or weird feelings that on first thought should have been normal, but I would -- as a child for example -- respond to seemingly "normal" things in weird/unusual ways. I recall things from terrifying/phobic experiences to nightmare patterns to strained family situations/odd moments.
I grab my neck and notice -- QT interval normalized possibly? Heart beat is normal -- about 70 BPM. I guess I get lost in another "plane" it seems but the heart keeps going fairly well -- no stopping/pausing. Does my heart know I'm not whole? I guess it doesn't care! Ha! Sounds crazy, but then again maybe not. Well, I guess I can just ignore this and continue on -- I'll "normalize" again soon as I always do. There is no "end" -- only a new beginning. I just wish I could get a grasp on where I start or when I go, along with what I am. I guess I just need to fix this metabolism and the "crazy" will be less of a problem yes?
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