Runenights Musings

[redsun]

It's been so long since I've written.

If I were to guess why, it's because I'm hesitant to write when I am unsure of my own beliefs and where I am. When I am more rooted in certainty of myself I feel more confident and expressive in letting thoughts flow into the world as truth.

I'm in the midst of re-orienting my beliefs of what makes solid nourishment. It's crystal clear to me how my being changes as a result of the foods I ingest, and the quality, type, preparation, and integration all can drastically change my well-being.

I had lost the desire and inspiration to discover the truth that is in the foods I consume, and I noticed I slowly became lazier and lazier in accepting whatever nourishment choices I could find. Such a dissipation of responsibility I believe was leading me to a decline rather than a growth. Rather than attempting to build comraderie and positivity, I found myself more wanting to be antagonistic and isolated.

I've noticed that alcohol hands down is almost an instant grounding substance. For whatever reason, my gut/body is stuck in what seems like an anxious, tense state, and it's very difficult to break out of keeping all other aspects of my health considered. Alcohol seems to just annihilate this stress state and grounds me in this world in peace. It's difficult for me to accept because of years of indoctrination and also first hand witness to the disasterous effects alcohol can have on people, yet somehow the positivity I feel from the substance outweighs all of that. What if I can use the drug just like most people drink coffee, or many people use nicotine, or how some people use nootropics. It is a substance that improves my well-being if used correctly.

It's the warmth, peace, and good feelings that drive me to the substance. Until I can replicate such good states by other means, I'll continue to utilize alcohol to maintain my positive affective states towards life.

Do you rarely feel joy and feel constantly tense/can't relax? The problem with alcohol is it may initially improve this because it is a downer (puts you in a more parasympathetic state) but because it especially depletes B-vitamins and choline, which are required for acetylcholine synthesis, it doesn't fix the problem and can even make the problem worse over time. Ach is the main neurotransmitter of the parasympathetic nervous system (rest and digest) that also helps antagonize the sympathetic nervous system. If you lack choline and B-vitamins due to alcohol you will likely have manifestations of low acetylcholine. Besides causing problems with CNS as a whole, it will affect your brain and your mental state negatively, since its important for you to be able to chill out and enjoy the moment. It will also make you want to isolate yourself and not be able to effectively plan and actualize your goals.

 

[Runenight201]

Thank you everyone for your replies. Ultimately I believe you all to be correct in that there are better measures to achieve the same peaceful states, and now the onus is on me to act accordingly to attain them. The first thing I will do is order the preg/prog combo and see how it goes. I've been skeptical of peat substances because I've used the Thyroid one, Vitamin E, Vitamin K2, among others one who's name I can't remember, and I never noticed anything that powerfully changed my being. Perhaps androsterone/pregnenelone made me feel more assertive and masculine, but I have no idea how much of that could have been placebo as well. I guess I crave that shift of consciousness. Those products, if they did work, were too subtle for me to really notice and I don't like that. I enjoy the momentous, the all-encompassing, the profoundly noticeable. Alcohol, cannabis, psychedlics, foods, etc... all do this for me, and perhaps that's what very well could be my downfall. The longer I fast without intaking too many substances into my body, the more "liberated" I feel in the sense that I'm less anxious or agitated, but the only problem is that I must at some point consume nourishment, and that could be another avenue that is my downfall. Which is awful to say because nourishment really should be a blissful welcoming of generative energy, and when it ceases to be so, leads to orthorexic styles of eating, which I most definitely struggle with. But I sympathize with the orthorexic because they notice that the foods they are eating are doing them no good, yet they're only downfall is the inability to put the puzzle pieces together enough to find something which does produce an abundance of generative energy.

And perhaps there is no perfect food, but only that which works well enough, and then the rest of the health puzzle is encompassed in our environment. As an "introverted" person, whatever that means, the times where I feel very at peace is if I fast alone while exploring meaning in drugs, music, and writing. Yet, when I'm around the right people, that also feels incredibly good, and I'm back to my world of fallen individuals. My mother is a walking stress bomb, my father and I no longer bond, my brother is selfish, my boss is always antagonistic, my work is stressful, and I am maladapting to the entire situation. If I were in a hippie commune in Brazil, what need would I have of the desire for wealth, status, importance, achievement, individualism, etc... I could subsist on a physiological piss poor diet of rice and beans, and perhaps it would not matter AT all, because I'd be in an environment filled with compassionate, caring, individuals. In such an environment, cortisol/adrenaline/etc... would never rise because everyone is accepting. Estrogen and excess weight gain would never occur because there is no need to stress eat and tax the digestive tract. The natural way of living would be in accordance with principles that support each individual in the community and ensure that no one is overwhelmed by their responsibilities protects everyone from degeneration. The natural way of living ensures sufficient resources for all, and works in a cycle with natural rythms of self-sufficient, generative living.

But what of the responsibility to the world, and the apparent globalization, societal enabled greed, never ending desire for more resources, and the explosion upwards of energy usage. This surely will eventually swallow the hippie commune whole. And after eating the commune for a snack, the beast will continue to consume more and more until the oxygen to the fire is all used up and there is nothing left to be had. The earth was pillaged instead of nurtured, raped instead of loved, degenerative instead of generative. Surely there must be a change.

I'm empty with thoughts now. In response to @redsun , I definitely feel like my parasympathetic to sympathetic ratio is all screwed up especially when I am placed into a stressful situation. I notice that some people are fine until they get slightly perturbed, and then they get super stressed out. That's kind of like me with my social anxiety. I'm good until I get placed into that social situation, and then the anxiety begins. I've tried B-vitamins before, and they definitely did something, but overall I didn't like them enough to keep doing it. Would you have any thoughts on pregnenelone and progesterone used in tandem?

 

[redsun]

Thank you everyone for your replies. Ultimately I believe you all to be correct in that there are better measures to achieve the same peaceful states, and now the onus is on me to act accordingly to attain them. The first thing I will do is order the preg/prog combo and see how it goes. I've been skeptical of peat substances because I've used the Thyroid one, Vitamin E, Vitamin K2, among others one who's name I can't remember, and I never noticed anything that powerfully changed my being. Perhaps androsterone/pregnenelone made me feel more assertive and masculine, but I have no idea how much of that could have been placebo as well. I guess I crave that shift of consciousness. Those products, if they did work, were too subtle for me to really notice and I don't like that. I enjoy the momentous, the all-encompassing, the profoundly noticeable. Alcohol, cannabis, psychedlics, foods, etc... all do this for me, and perhaps that's what very well could be my downfall. The longer I fast without intaking too many substances into my body, the more "liberated" I feel in the sense that I'm less anxious or agitated, but the only problem is that I must at some point consume nourishment, and that could be another avenue that is my downfall. Which is awful to say because nourishment really should be a blissful welcoming of generative energy, and when it ceases to be so, leads to orthorexic styles of eating, which I most definitely struggle with. But I sympathize with the orthorexic because they notice that the foods they are eating are doing them no good, yet they're only downfall is the inability to put the puzzle pieces together enough to find something which does produce an abundance of generative energy.

And perhaps there is no perfect food, but only that which works well enough, and then the rest of the health puzzle is encompassed in our environment. As an "introverted" person, whatever that means, the times where I feel very at peace is if I fast alone while exploring meaning in drugs, music, and writing. Yet, when I'm around the right people, that also feels incredibly good, and I'm back to my world of fallen individuals. My mother is a walking stress bomb, my father and I no longer bond, my brother is selfish, my boss is always antagonistic, my work is stressful, and I am maladapting to the entire situation. If I were in a hippie commune in Brazil, what need would I have of the desire for wealth, status, importance, achievement, individualism, etc... I could subsist on a physiological piss poor diet of rice and beans, and perhaps it would not matter AT all, because I'd be in an environment filled with compassionate, caring, individuals. In such an environment, cortisol/adrenaline/etc... would never rise because everyone is accepting. Estrogen and excess weight gain would never occur because there is no need to stress eat and tax the digestive tract. The natural way of living would be in accordance with principles that support each individual in the community and ensure that no one is overwhelmed by their responsibilities protects everyone from degeneration. The natural way of living ensures sufficient resources for all, and works in a cycle with natural rythms of self-sufficient, generative living.

But what of the responsibility to the world, and the apparent globalization, societal enabled greed, never ending desire for more resources, and the explosion upwards of energy usage. This surely will eventually swallow the hippie commune whole. And after eating the commune for a snack, the beast will continue to consume more and more until the oxygen to the fire is all used up and there is nothing left to be had. The earth was pillaged instead of nurtured, raped instead of loved, degenerative instead of generative. Surely there must be a change.

I'm empty with thoughts now. In response to @redsun , I definitely feel like my parasympathetic to sympathetic ratio is all screwed up especially when I am placed into a stressful situation. I notice that some people are fine until they get slightly perturbed, and then they get super stressed out. That's kind of like me with my social anxiety. I'm good until I get placed into that social situation, and then the anxiety begins. I've tried B-vitamins before, and they definitely did something, but overall I didn't like them enough to keep doing it. Would you have any thoughts on pregnenelone and progesterone used in tandem?

B-vitamins can fight the negative effects of alcohol and most are cholinergic to a degree. The problem is alcohol increases the choline requirement as well. We already know alcohol negatively affects the liver (fatty liver). And a bad liver which also may have a relative choline deficiency due to alcohol consumption, and other risk factors is a very metabolically stressful situation for the body. Its this intense oxidative stress that is a major factor in amplifying the stress response but a relative deficiency of choline (and thus acetylcholine) alone can do this.

One other to keep in mind is that in men, because we have less estrogen, cannot make as much choline endogenously. Estrogen activates the PEMT enzyme which makes choline. Endogenous choline synthesis is not sufficient to meet daily needs. Now imagine if we put all this together, what would happen. You drink alcohol, you consume quite a bit of sugars (increases choline requirement), and you are male (cant make much choline).

If you dont consume much choline as is, this amplifies and you eventually end up with liver problems and oxidative stress.

But the main issue that you are likely concerned with more is the central nervous system problems (sympathetic dominance). Makes it very hard to be social when you are easily put on edge no? Makes it hard to enjoy the little things in life and feel at peace and also even better equipped to deal with stress and your fight or flight switch is switched on so easily.

 

[Runenight201]

So I began being a care provider for a 22-year old level 3 autistic young man, who I'll call Leopard. I'm sure there's a whole case report that could be written on his autism, but his autism is not my primary concern. What my main concern is whether Leopard can learn selfless behaviors and be a more agreeable and pleasant person to be around. If I am to be frank, he is quite a mean person when it comes to doing anything cooperatively. Name-calling, highly critical, no manners, etc... Who wants to be around someone like that!? What makes things harder is that he's been completely allowed to get away with such behaviors. He says that he doesn't have to use manners with his parents, baby-sitters, friends, so he doesn't have to use them with me. After I became uncooperative and told him I would not play with him unless he kindly asked me to shuffle the cards, he managed to weakly utter out the phrase, only to afterwards pout about how that was, "the stupidest thing he's ever done". What interests me the most about Leopard is that he idolizes character villains in cartoons and movies. He hates it when the villains lose, and only likes to see them win. Naturally, most people are the opposite and want to see the good guys win. I think I'm fighting a huge uphill battle when at the core of his mind he idolizes evil, thus all bad behavior is justified because he is an evil villain in his mind. I'm not sure whether the empathetic angle works at all with him, because he doesn't really care when I tell him how his behavior can affect my or others feelings. Perhaps if I can make him feel vulnerable and in need of human assistance, than he would have no choice but to accept the need to be humble, kind, thoughtful, etc... to receive the help. I'm also not sure, given his autistic condition, what his psyche is capable of learning and not learning. Intellectually he is capped at a 1st grade level. I do academic exercises with him but it's almost just a way to pass the time because realistically he is not going to be improving his reading, writing, or logical thinking in any significant manner without some type of medical intervention. He is, oddly enough, incredibly thoughtful when it comes to sharing his food, as he asked if I wanted yogurt or a cheese sandwhich when lunch time came around...

 

[boris]

So I began being a care provider for a 22-year old level 3 autistic young man, who I'll call Leopard. I'm sure there's a whole case report that could be written on his autism, but his autism is not my primary concern. What my main concern is whether Leopard can learn selfless behaviors and be a more agreeable and pleasant person to be around. If I am to be frank, he is quite a mean person when it comes to doing anything cooperatively. Name-calling, highly critical, no manners, etc... Who wants to be around someone like that!? What makes things harder is that he's been completely allowed to get away with such behaviors. He says that he doesn't have to use manners with his parents, baby-sitters, friends, so he doesn't have to use them with me. After I became uncooperative and told him I would not play with him unless he kindly asked me to shuffle the cards, he managed to weakly utter out the phrase, only to afterwards pout about how that was, "the stupidest thing he's ever done". What interests me the most about Leopard is that he idolizes character villains in cartoons and movies. He hates it when the villains lose, and only likes to see them win. Naturally, most people are the opposite and want to see the good guys win. I think I'm fighting a huge uphill battle when at the core of his mind he idolizes evil, thus all bad behavior is justified because he is an evil villain in his mind. I'm not sure whether the empathetic angle works at all with him, because he doesn't really care when I tell him how his behavior can affect my or others feelings. Perhaps if I can make him feel vulnerable and in need of human assistance, than he would have no choice but to accept the need to be humble, kind, thoughtful, etc... to receive the help. I'm also not sure, given his autistic condition, what his psyche is capable of learning and not learning. Intellectually he is capped at a 1st grade level. I do academic exercises with him but it's almost just a way to pass the time because realistically he is not going to be improving his reading, writing, or logical thinking in any significant manner without some type of medical intervention. He is, oddly enough, incredibly thoughtful when it comes to sharing his food, as he asked if I wanted yogurt or a cheese sandwhich when lunch time came around...

Positive reinforcement works.... being on the lookout for desirable behaviours and rewarding them when they happen and ignoring undesirable behaviours.
I think at a certain point it's almost impossible to try and talk sense into someone. I tried talking sense into my cats for years, nothing works, they don't care what I think about their behaviour , positive reinforcement is the only thing that worked.

But also: associating with evil stems from a metabolic problem in my observation. To have long lasting success, he would need to optimize his diet/thyoid/etc..

 

[Runenight201]

Positive reinforcement works.... being on the lookout for desirable behaviours and rewarding them when they happen and ignoring undesirable behaviours.
I think at a certain point it's almost impossible to try and talk sense into someone. I tried talking sense into my cats for years, nothing works, they don't care what I think about their behaviour , positive reinforcement is the only thing that worked.

But also: associating with evil stems from a metabolic problem in my observation. To have long lasting success, he would need to optimize his diet/thyoid/etc..

Lol that reminds me of when I yell at my dog to bring the ball all the way back to me instead of dropping it 5 yards away and making me walk to him!

I definitely need to incorporate positive reinforcement. Finding things that he will want to work towards and then giving him the structure to succeed in it could do wonders. Thanks

 

[equipoise]

Runenight how's your diet been like? Have you started experimenting with P4?

 

[Runenight201]

Runenight how's your diet been like? Have you started experimenting with P4?

No I procastinated like crazy on all the peaty supps, but I have ordered them today, so we'll see in a couple days how they go. Still using wine nightly to take the edge off but it's no where near as intense as it has been in my past. I've been focusing a lot on non-diet related things and feel like I'm making good strides there. As an orthorexic I've proportionally spent way too much of my time focused on diet when there's a large amount of fruit to be had in career, lifestyle, relationship choices as well. Investing my mental energy into those areas has decreased my focus so much on diet, but I'm still an orthorexic, so it's always in the back of my mind no matter what I do.

So far my diet has been super sporadic and not well structured or defined at all, but I am working to find a regimen that is truly mine. Being able to cook well is still an ability I'm developing, and being able to cook well in the sufficient amount of quantities I need to last the duration of my energy expenditure is critical. What sets me back is when I don't plan well and end up being in short supply of the generative energy, and then I usually end up making poor choices that if severe enough could throw me off for days. I'm beginning to believe that what's even more important than the food we eat is the internal compass which directs us towards the correct food to eat. Someone can know that they need to eat healthy, but unless the biological drive is aligned with eating healthy food, the person will not change. They also need to have the energy and intelligence to align their whole life with the generative food sources. When my compass is off, I compromise, compensate, and then suffer. When my compass is aligned, I thrive.

Right now I'm included daily portions of peas, onions, mushrooms, tomatoes, and potatoes combined with some protein source, either eggs, cheese, or meat. That is the dish I'm trying to make truly mine, and then the rest of my diet is filled with whatever junk will get me through the day. I do want to learn how to bake a mean casserole of some sort. I think that'd be really good for me. Essentially I need 2k+ calories of quality food a day. And I'm a picky eater.

 

[equipoise]

No I procastinated like crazy on all the peaty supps, but I have ordered them today, so we'll see in a couple days how they go. Still using wine nightly to take the edge off but it's no where near as intense as it has been in my past. I've been focusing a lot on non-diet related things and feel like I'm making good strides there. As an orthorexic I've proportionally spent way too much of my time focused on diet when there's a large amount of fruit to be had in career, lifestyle, relationship choices as well. Investing my mental energy into those areas has decreased my focus so much on diet, but I'm still an orthorexic, so it's always in the back of my mind no matter what I do.

So far my diet has been super sporadic and not well structured or defined at all, but I am working to find a regimen that is truly mine. Being able to cook well is still an ability I'm developing, and being able to cook well in the sufficient amount of quantities I need to last the duration of my energy expenditure is critical. What sets me back is when I don't plan well and end up being in short supply of the generative energy, and then I usually end up making poor choices that if severe enough could throw me off for days. I'm beginning to believe that what's even more important than the food we eat is the internal compass which directs us towards the correct food to eat. Someone can know that they need to eat healthy, but unless the biological drive is aligned with eating healthy food, the person will not change. They also need to have the energy and intelligence to align their whole life with the generative food sources. When my compass is off, I compromise, compensate, and then suffer. When my compass is aligned, I thrive.

Right now I'm included daily portions of peas, onions, mushrooms, tomatoes, and potatoes combined with some protein source, either eggs, cheese, or meat. That is the dish I'm trying to make truly mine, and then the rest of my diet is filled with whatever junk will get me through the day. I do want to learn how to bake a mean casserole of some sort. I think that'd be really good for me. Essentially I need 2k+ calories of quality food a day. And I'm a picky eater.

Ha I feel you. I had my spells of having to eat this perfect peaty food or whatever food that is to satisfy my inner cravings and keep peace.
This then gave me insomnia. All the uncoupling and pro-metabolic changes...Gotta keep up with it. But then once the switch just kind of flipped. I ate a nice homemade bread with coconut oil and I realized I could handle starchy foods much better than when my gut was in a bad state (alcohol induced endotoxemia) and delivery food.
Took a couple of months of eating low inflammatory food, focusing on the very basics; milk, ripe fructose and organ meat.
Then I realized the longer you dont eat starchy food (homemade with no PUFA) the more resistance your body puts towards it.
So naturally I incorporated rice, potatoes and pasta. Slowly, I started eating whatever I wanted and for me, that was crucial.

tldr; dont make the food your priority as long as you keep the basics strong, focus on experiences and the path that keeps you laughing and sane.

stay frosty mate

 

[Runenight201]

I fell in love and lost. It's terrible. For a moment I felt like my purpose was finally being met. Like I had a meaning to my existence. And I went all in, with every ounce of my desire. I was given hope. I was led on. She wasn't truly prepared for me. And now all I'm left with is the wanting feeling of what I've been missing for so long. It made me realize how deeply separated I am. How badly I am lacking certain feelings of love, touch, affection, and warmth. Perhaps this is what mothers give their sons as they are nurtured and raised, and all along this love and protection is what allows for wonderful development. I miss that feeling.

What I struggle to reckon with is whether my own perceived need of this affection is flawed in its own right. The proponents of self-power, strong individualism would make the claim that everything that is necessary to be fulfilled is found within oneself. And I don't doubt that they are able to take on that belief, act in a certain manner to than receive a power that does make it so. However, what I doubt is whether I have any ability to do so. And whether it is better than pair-bonding, or being nested in a meaningful community with strong and healthy social relationships.

I'm a huge proponent of the human connection, of social support, bonding, comradery, fellowship, love. What's difficult for me is doing the right things so that I can obtain such fruits. Most people aren't saints, and are not able to say just the right things, and do the just the right actions, to help out an individual in desperate need. Able to help them in a just the right way that strikes right at the emotional core and produces a positive response. When I've been at my most vulnerable and distraught, it would take a very special person to comfort me in a way that would address the emotional distress. I can do things to avoid getting to such a weak state, and in that sense protect myself, but how much better would it be if I had such support available to me when I most needed it. And how much better would it be if everyone had universal access to such amelioration. But perhaps the people around me are capable of doing so, but I'm the one who is unable to properly communicate these desires to them. There is a certain embarrassment to being so vulnerable.

But I'm an orthorexic at heart, and at the core of it all is a belief that if I maintain perfect food intake that it will shield me from such negative emotions, and keep my body and mind ever vigilant to act accordingly to make my life good. Writing this is therapeutic in its own right. I hope I find someone to share my love with again.

 

[Runenight201]

Lemon juice, sugar, and yogurt, a true delight ?

 

[Runenight201]

One of the things about my depression is that it blunted me of whatever potential I had . Stuck in zombified state, my entire experience was around my misery and how to escape it. I couldn't even fathom things like progressing in any other meaningful way. One of the other terrible things about depression is that my energy dropped so much that it became extremely difficult to do anything that could actually pull myself out of depression. I became further and further isolated in hell. It seems as if all of the things that used to work just stopped. My food creativity withered away, and the meals I prepared did little to give me any energy.

Treated like a dog by my parents for being a leach on their success, while failing to live up to someone who was supposed to be a successful college graduate, working a low income job in order to barely survive didn't help at all either. Them being sick themselves left no room for any empathy or assistance to my situation. Any energy I had left I had to direct towards being able to work. Spending all the energy just ensuring my economic survival led to zero energy left to re-invest in recharging and building energy systems. My brain function started declining and my bodily strength was withering away. No one around me could tell I was suffering and I found it impossible to communicate to others that I was suffering. All I desired was the warm embrace of another's touch, for someone to come and comfort and save me from my malady, the desperate cry of a suffering being.

Last night I finally dreamt again. They were the most pleasant dreams. Dreams of my college beginnings, where I was nested in robust social circles, filled with ambition, excitement, energy. I dreamt of making love, of leisure with friends, of sunshine and grassy fields. I dreamt of starting business ventures, of having a career, of being someone. I feel as if my depression is lifting, and I have hope about my current predicament. Even in this seemingly regressive period, I have to conclude it ultimately productive, for it is teaching me what I must and must not do, if I want to have a life that is good.

 

[Summer]

Glad that you’re breaking through the depression. I can’t remember the last time I had such a genuinely good dream. One bittersweet thing about those (for me at least) is that I am always so disappointed when I wake up from them and realize it was just a dream. But the fleeting emotions that accompany said dreams should certainly act as motivation to make the dream a reality.

 

[Runenight201]

Thanks @Summer. My sleep has been horrid for the past couple weeks as the depression worsened, and it’s always a good sign for me that things are heading in the right direction when I can sleep deeply and dream pleasantly. Your last sentence is definitely how I feel
from pleasant dreams, especially since those are all experiences I’ve had before, and the dream served as a reminder that I can have them again, if I act properly. I hope you do dream pleasantly soon ??, and even better live pleasantly as well!

 

[deliciousfruit]

Sounds like you have naturally gravitated towards lots of folate intake, rice having lots of fortified folate and vegetables which have a ton as well as certain fruits. Ever think folates is what your body is after? Id be curious to see your daily folate intake in cronometer. You might need it as you may be deficient. I have a personal history with very low intake of folates ever since doing carnivore(with no liver for folate) and even after getting off it, so for years I likely had suboptimal folate intake. Have a ton of the overmethylation symptoms(basically every single one) that have developed over the years and taking large doses folic acid orally along with B12 and B3 has improved my overall health and wellbeing enormously. I never thought it could be so simple as B12 and folate, but given my diet history it makes sense.

How long did it take you to see an improvement from B12 and folate?

 

[Runenight201]

I guess I had some bad energy in me today cuz I made eye contact with this lady at the health store as I was walking in and then accidentally ran into her again on the other side of the store (looking more into it, she came over to the side I was at). She full on freaked out and accused me of stalking her and wouldn’t leave me alone about this delusion and was making a big scene about it. She proceeded to pull out her phone and start recording me and so I immediately told her to leave me alone and I just booked it to the other side of the store.

My heart was racing though and I got so light headed from the event, felt like I was gonna pass out. I’m noticing that people are reacting to my presence more. I’m used to being invisible and ignored so it’s not that welcomed. Usually people will look the other way or disregard my presence, but they’re starting to say hello, make eye contact, ask me questions, etc… It’s a bit uncomfortable when people take that I’ll be a normal human being and engage in a normal social interaction with a friendly stranger, but I’m carrying this dark isolated energy in me, and they are immediately thrown way off by their misjudgment and quickly try to do as little with me as possible.

But I should get rid of the dark energy. It clouds my being and isolates me. Some days I’m good at being a bit more normal. if I could just spend my days taking care of myself and singing who knows what I could do, but then I have a night of bad sleep and I gotta go to work and I’m in the dark.

Taking more responsibility of the foods I eat and substances I take. This whole thing is probably my own doing, as I started to drink way too much wine and smoking way too much thc concentrate, which just led me spiraling into a dysfunctional mess. Working on crawling myself out of the hole I dug.

 

[redsun]

I guess I had some bad energy in me today cuz I made eye contact with this lady at the health store as I was walking in and then accidentally ran into her again on the other side of the store (looking more into it, she came over to the side I was at). She full on freaked out and accused me of stalking her and wouldn’t leave me alone about this delusion and was making a big scene about it. She proceeded to pull out her phone and start recording me and so I immediately told her to leave me alone and I just booked it to the other side of the store.

My heart was racing though and I got so light headed from the event, felt like I was gonna pass out. I’m noticing that people are reacting to my presence more. I’m used to being invisible and ignored so it’s not that welcomed. Usually people will look the other way or disregard my presence, but they’re starting to say hello, make eye contact, ask me questions, etc… It’s a bit uncomfortable when people take that I’ll be a normal human being and engage in a normal social interaction with a friendly stranger, but I’m carrying this dark isolated energy in me, and they are immediately thrown way off by their misjudgment and quickly try to do as little with me as possible.

But I should get rid of the dark energy. It clouds my being and isolates me. Some days I’m good at being a bit more normal. if I could just spend my days taking care of myself and singing who knows what I could do, but then I have a night of bad sleep and I gotta go to work and I’m in the dark.

Taking more responsibility of the foods I eat and substances I take. This whole thing is probably my own doing, as I started to drink way too much wine and smoking way too much thc concentrate, which just led me spiraling into a dysfunctional mess. Working on crawling myself out of the hole I dug.

Its not bad energy. Its cortisol from glutamate and stress hormone rebound from the downers you take (thc and alcohol). This cortisol rebound creates an aura around you making you more visible and make people more wary of you. Problem is your cortisol is too elevated in an unhealthy way. In a healthy, virile man their androgens rise and so does estrogen as T gets higher and some converts to estrogen. Their adrenals release more cortisol making them more noticeable but they do not carry a bad vibe because they have the confidence and relaxation that good health brings. A crashed system leaves someone with very low cortisol which is terrible. Rebound effect from downers tends to leave you with high cortisol and other stress hormones.

You really need to get on the right diet and you won't be tempted to take so many downer drugs. I am guessing you feel very easily stressed and overwhelmed and this is what makes downers so enticing. Could be using them as a sleep aid as well I don't know. This is usually common in people with choline deficiency, low acetylcholine which is a natural depressant that controls our heart rate and controls stress levels (especially noradrenaline/adrenaline), makes us more calm and not overwhelmed and less overstimulated.

You don't eat a lot of meat from what I seen in your past either. This is really not going to fix itself until you go back to these basics and be practical. You are not following basic dietary principles necessary for a healthy nervous system. I recommend at least 3-4 soft-boiled eggs a day so the yolk is preserved to get more good quality choline and cholesterol in your diet. As well as at least half a pound of some form of red meat such as ground beef, steak, and then more meat as needed from other sources.

If you try this out alongside good carb choices like rice, some fruits, potatoes etc you will turn around so fast it will blow your mind. Sleep should improve, all your steroid hormones will naturally increase, and your nervous system will be able to be calm on its own and your outlook will start to change. I've been following you for quite awhile and you would do so well if stopped shackling yourself down with your mediocre diet. I am rooting for you to get through this, but progress calls for practicality for it to be realized.

 

[Runenight201]

Its not bad energy. Its cortisol from glutamate and stress hormone rebound from the downers you take (thc and alcohol). This cortisol rebound creates an aura around you making you more visible and make people more wary of you. Problem is your cortisol is too elevated in an unhealthy way. In a healthy, virile man their androgens rise and so does estrogen as T gets higher and some converts to estrogen. Their adrenals release more cortisol making them more noticeable but they do not carry a bad vibe because they have the confidence and relaxation that good health brings. A crashed system leaves someone with very low cortisol which is terrible. Rebound effect from downers tends to leave you with high cortisol and other stress hormones.

You really need to get on the right diet and you won't be tempted to take so many downer drugs. I am guessing you feel very easily stressed and overwhelmed and this is what makes downers so enticing. Could be using them as a sleep aid as well I don't know. This is usually common in people with choline deficiency, low acetylcholine which is a natural depressant that controls our heart rate and controls stress levels (especially noradrenaline/adrenaline), makes us more calm and not overwhelmed and less overstimulated.

You don't eat a lot of meat from what I seen in your past either. This is really not going to fix itself until you go back to these basics and be practical. You are not following basic dietary principles necessary for a healthy nervous system. I recommend at least 3-4 soft-boiled eggs a day so the yolk is preserved to get more good quality choline and cholesterol in your diet. As well as at least half a pound of some form of red meat such as ground beef, steak, and then more meat as needed from other sources.

If you try this out alongside good carb choices like rice, some fruits, potatoes etc you will turn around so fast it will blow your mind. Sleep should improve, all your steroid hormones will naturally increase, and your nervous system will be able to be calm on its own and your outlook will start to change. I've been following you for quite awhile and you would do so well if stopped shackling yourself down with your mediocre diet. I am rooting for you to get through this, but progress calls for practicality for it to be realized.

Hey man thanks for the response. I think you’re right about really honing back in on quality foods. I think a large part of my spiral downwards is that I lost faith in the power of food. Quite frankly I got so tired of cooking and being creative with my meals because I didn’t perceive the reward to be worth it. Essentially the meals I was preparing were not doing me any good, so then as my functioning worsened through a poorer diet I got even lazier and more irresponsible with my choices and down the hole I went. I’m still quite orthorexic, but I feel a shift in my being and I’m starting to have more discipline with my food choices because I’ve experienced what happens when I’m not and I really don’t ever want to go back in that hole. I pretty much was on the verge of a psychotic break. Never have I felt so scared I got so paranoid with the thought of being institutionalized and then the thoughts of being a failure.

Egg protein has always been weird to me…I’m not too fond of it tbh. But today I put an egg yolk in some cream with OJ and I felt like that helped. Next time I cook my veggies Im gonna crack an egg yolk or two right on top and mix in some Parmesan cheese with them and maybe some hot sauce for fun ? that should be quite the nourishment…

Tbh for a bit I thought protein wasn’t helping me because I would feel so clogged from it and my face would get so red… but I think i just wasn’t cooking it properly and pairing it in properly with the other foods. I agree with making sure my animal meat consumption stays up every day. For some reason the vegan mentality beckons to me every now and then and the whole planet conservation thing, I once felt guilty just consuming large quantities of meat, but I need to look out for myself as well, and I no longer believe that it’s right to put another animal life’s before our own. We’re not eating meat for pleasure it’s literally for our well-being and sanity.
The amount of junk meat tho hurts the message, and it seems like there’s so much “science” saying that meat is bad and to reduce meat consumption.

 

[redsun]

Hey man thanks for the response. I think you’re right about really honing back in on quality foods. I think a large part of my spiral downwards is that I lost faith in the power of food. Quite frankly I got so tired of cooking and being creative with my meals because I didn’t perceive the reward to be worth it. Essentially the meals I was preparing were not doing me any good, so then as my functioning worsened through a poorer diet I got even lazier and more irresponsible with my choices and down the hole I went. I’m still quite orthorexic, but I feel a shift in my being and I’m starting to have more discipline with my food choices because I’ve experienced what happens when I’m not and I really don’t ever want to go back in that hole. I pretty much was on the verge of a psychotic break. Never have I felt so scared I got so paranoid with the thought of being institutionalized and then the thoughts of being a failure.

Egg protein has always been weird to me…I’m not too fond of it tbh. But today I put an egg yolk in some cream with OJ and I felt like that helped. Next time I cook my veggies Im gonna crack an egg yolk or two right on top and mix in some Parmesan cheese with them and maybe some hot sauce for fun ? that should be quite the nourishment…

Tbh for a bit I thought protein wasn’t helping me because I would feel so clogged from it and my face would get so red… but I think i just wasn’t cooking it properly and pairing it in properly with the other foods. I agree with making sure my animal meat consumption stays up every day. For some reason the vegan mentality beckons to me every now and then and the whole planet conservation thing, I once felt guilty just consuming large quantities of meat, but I need to look out for myself as well, and I no longer believe that it’s right to put another animal life’s before our own. We’re not eating meat for pleasure it’s literally for our well-being and sanity.
The amount of junk meat tho hurts the message, and it seems like there’s so much “science” saying that meat is bad and to reduce meat consumption.

Best way to not get tired of cooking is to keep it simple and don't use much time on creative cooking. Have simple yet tasty meals planned out and say on the weekend if you have more time you can do a little extra. Nutrient dense foods such as unprocessed, fresh meats taste good grilled with salt and basic rubs or seasoning and cook pretty quickly. Eggs of course are also quick. If you use the yolk only you can add it to things.

Yeh this is really what life is like when your nerves are starved of nutrition. Trust me I know all too well the feeling of paranoia, fear, psychosis pulling you under. I hope it remains a factor in motivating you to do better. I know it is for me. I never wanted to feel so frantically stressed, paranoid, afraid, like I did at one point. That has kept me on the right path. Not only do I not feel these emotions anymore, I feel the opposite. Relaxed yet focus and motivated for my goals, zest for life, confident in my ability to cope with life's problems. This is what I strive to maintain and improve upon every day no matter what.

You mean you have issue with the egg white? If so, yeh thats not unheard of. The yolk is where the nutrients are, protein can be obtained from meat so its not a big deal.

Meat should always be paired with plenty of starch for carbs. Meat if cooked well should not feel clogging. It is a very grounding food so it can bring you more down to earth so to speak but if you are the kind of person who likely to use a lot of spicy seasoning like chili pepper, black pepper, hot sauce, etc this typically can cause facial redness and similar reactions. I used to be really into spicy food. Not anymore, it seems draining while slightly exhilarating at the same time. This is endorphin release most likely.

Vegan mentality is the mentality of suffering. So best to steer clear of that, you need to consume and I highly recommend eating as much fresh, unprocessed meat as you can as well as working your way up to 4 egg yolks a day.

A man's vitality can be described as a deep well. When you are young, the well is full and for some overflowing. You can sacrifice sleep and diet here and there, and use stimulants and downers to bring you up when you need to be alert and calm you down, but years of this slowly empties the well.

Sleep starts to be less restful. Sleep is the final nail in the coffin so to speak. When sleep is poor (quality and quantity), this is what actually accelerates degeneration at an alarmingly speed. And you become less stress resilient which empties the well faster than normal and you cant fill up the well much at all because sleep is bad. Before you know it, the well is dry. This is why especially in a volatile health state, you need to fill up the well as much as you can with the right foods, plenty of sleep/rest, and enjoyment during your daily life. This will take time and most importantly consistency. It takes a long time to break the body down. Likewise it takes time to build it back up but it can be done.

Meat is pleasurable to eat because it is nourishing. It does not make sense to suffer needlessly when we know what we need for health.

 

[Runenight201]

Best way to not get tired of cooking is to keep it simple and don't use much time on creative cooking. Have simple yet tasty meals planned out and say on the weekend if you have more time you can do a little extra. Nutrient dense foods such as unprocessed, fresh meats taste good grilled with salt and basic rubs or seasoning and cook pretty quickly. Eggs of course are also quick. If you use the yolk only you can add it to things.

Yeh this is really what life is like when your nerves are starved of nutrition. Trust me I know all too well the feeling of paranoia, fear, psychosis pulling you under. I hope it remains a factor in motivating you to do better. I know it is for me. I never wanted to feel so frantically stressed, paranoid, afraid, like I did at one point. That has kept me on the right path. Not only do I not feel these emotions anymore, I feel the opposite. Relaxed yet focus and motivated for my goals, zest for life, confident in my ability to cope with life's problems. This is what I strive to maintain and improve upon every day no matter what.

You mean you have issue with the egg white? If so, yeh thats not unheard of. The yolk is where the nutrients are, protein can be obtained from meat so its not a big deal.

Meat should always be paired with plenty of starch for carbs. Meat if cooked well should not feel clogging. It is a very grounding food so it can bring you more down to earth so to speak but if you are the kind of person who likely to use a lot of spicy seasoning like chili pepper, black pepper, hot sauce, etc this typically can cause facial redness and similar reactions. I used to be really into spicy food. Not anymore, it seems draining while slightly exhilarating at the same time. This is endorphin release most likely.

Vegan mentality is the mentality of suffering. So best to steer clear of that, you need to consume and I highly recommend eating as much fresh, unprocessed meat as you can as well as working your way up to 4 egg yolks a day.

A man's vitality can be described as a deep well. When you are young, the well is full and for some overflowing. You can sacrifice sleep and diet here and there, and use stimulants and downers to bring you up when you need to be alert and calm you down, but years of this slowly empties the well.

Sleep starts to be less restful. Sleep is the final nail in the coffin so to speak. When sleep is poor (quality and quantity), this is what actually accelerates degeneration at an alarmingly speed. And you become less stress resilient which empties the well faster than normal and you cant fill up the well much at all because sleep is bad. Before you know it, the well is dry. This is why especially in a volatile health state, you need to fill up the well as much as you can with the right foods, plenty of sleep/rest, and enjoyment during your daily life. This will take time and most importantly consistency. It takes a long time to break the body down. Likewise it takes time to build it back up but it can be done.

Meat is pleasurable to eat because it is nourishing. It does not make sense to suffer needlessly when we know what we need for health.

Damn that sleep is the final nail in the coffin is so true. Whenever I can get a solids night rest I wake up feeling hopeful that I will conquer the day, and when I don’t, it’s all negative emotions the entire day. And this has been an ongoing battle for years with me almost losing last week, but I can just imagine how much better my life would be if every night I was getting deep restful sleep. And with a good partner by my side too even better.

Yes I agree with the well analogy. I still like having my uppers/downers on hand to help deal with various contexts, especially ones that are healthy, such as coffee, T3, magnesium, and imo thc (used correctly), but solely focusing on that while abandoning the water in the well will eventually leave me empty and broken. The well must be taken care of or else bad things happen.

Yea I didn’t like the egg white cuz the texture didn’t give a good mouth feel compared to meat, however maybe I’ll try cooked egg mixed in with my veggies and that could actually be pretty good. When it comes time for my breakfast I think I’ll try cooked eggs mixed together with my veggies in a scramble and see if that does me some good…I’m thinking it will

Thanks for looking out for me I really appreciate it. I’ve spent many a headspace feeling completely isolated and crippled by the loneliness so it really does bring me psychological well-being to have these interactions with forum members. I really want to build the strength to walk alone into the world and pull in connections because ultimately I need to be interacting with flesh and blood that I can see and feel. That network of support also would help me out when life deals it’s inevitable blows as well as be a source of enrichment, growth, happiness, connection, love