Listlessness And Pointless Expenditures On Escorts

[Aaron]

I have a fear of letting people get close to me. I have been sinking deeper into this place since graduating college, and now, at 25, my priority in life is making ends meet to pay rent. I'll put on a peppy facade, work a job that pays well but involves networking and office politics (most recently as a financial advisor), then when people start asking questions about my personal life and I get uneasy, I'll quit said job and remain unemployed for months before finding another one. I'm constantly making sure people like and enjoy me, yet the last thing I want is friendship - I just want to reassure myself that I'm perceived well. I don't lie; I simply present my positive qualities and omit everything else. I've slowly cut every friend out of my life and I'm not sure why I'm doing this. To some extent I get pleasure from rejecting people, but I don't remember being rejected by other people during my life. It seems to stem from the fact that I've always rejected myself. I'm not even depressed; just avoidant and devoid of purpose and need for others.

My outlet used to be competitive gaming. At first I was well-known with tens of thousands of subscribers on YouTube; years later I scrapped that identity and would change my alias hourly, often to crush the same competition, making them fume under the belief that they were losing to a different person each time. This went on for thousands of hours, and reflects a pattern in my life - to achieve and create, and then to efface and start from scratch over and over again. Every piece of artwork, every reddit and Twitter account, every photo, every article and novel wiped clear to leave no legacy behind.

Not to be melodramatic, but I feel like I am an empty person who shouldn't exist at all, which is a thought that's been bouncing around my head since kindergarten. Is this a mental illness or is this just what I am? I identify as unworthy, unneeded biomass. In fact, I don't even know why I'm writing this. I suppose I just want someone to read it and grant me an epiphany. It's a fairly selfish motive, but my life is this confusing venn diagram of egotism and timidity/masochism. If I am nothing, what is it all for if it's all for myself?

 

[zewe]

Geez, Aaron, that sounds so lonely. Maybe you have a problem bonding with others.

What was your childhood like? How was your relationship with your parents?

Another question I'd like to ask is were you put in daycare at an early age?

I see so many young people with isolation problems. The reason I ask about daycare is because when in a large daycare (something my generation never had to experience) there is a very low ratio of caretakers to children.

There is a small window of opportunity for humans to develop empathy or the ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes, during toddlerhood. Humans develop empathy, or don't, through the actions of their caregivers.

 

[MigFon]

I could have written a very similar post, man. I seem to be struggling with the same behavior patterns, pretty much since adolescence. For me establishing relationships is hard and also the fact that people go away seem intolerable at times.

I don't know if you can also relate to it, but I also felt at times like something is dead or numb inside, a part of me at least seems, to be dead. No objectives, no perspectives, no place I'd rather be or something/some goal that would inspire me to do something. Life is just endless repetition. There seems like nothing would make excited/high on life/looking forward to the future. I don't feel unhappy though.

I have been on a quest as to why this is so for the last couple of years. I have realized that looking for a magical cure/insight is a mistake. It's about the journey and climbing steps on a big ladder.

I have tried transpersonal therapy, ayahuasca, mushrooms, past authoring program by Jordan Peterson (Helped a lot), improving hormones/metabolism, and it seems like each of these things helped climb another step in that long ladder and it seems to be working.

I am more open, I have some goals that I want to achieve in the future, I care less about what other people think of me, I am more spontaneous, I can talk more about myself, although I still push people away, have a hard time making friends/intimate relationships, I don't care so much about causing good impressions/having people like me. I am still far away from where I would like to be, but WAY better that I was 4/5 years ago so it is possible to change.

My advice is "get moving", which is the hardest thing to do when you don't what to do anything, but it is the only thing that might save you. I had cancer twice, that was a big push for me to try to change things and look for answers because I was confronted with the inevitable realization that the clock is ticking and I didn't wanted to die.
So don't wait around for life to send you that kind of "motivation" to look for answers.

Begin your quest, you have nothing better to do.

 

[Peatful]

If I am nothing, what is it all for if it's all for myself?

Have you ever asked God?

 

[Mossy]

I can share that many people have these tendencies, and especially those who have a degree of smarts and ability--it's usually these attributes that allow for the freedom to come and go as you please: hide at will.

Speaking from my own convictions, and from a similar position of these tendencies, I'd say it's simply rooted in selfishness. We want to control our situation to a T, and only present ourselves in the best of light. When the potential for exposure arises, which could show us as other than our perfect image, we bow out and start with a clean slate: avoiding hurt, error, reputation, etc--or, so we think. And, many times, our motives are even more selfish: we simply don't want to give back and be troubled, so that's why we isolate and live in our own bubble.

Once again, I don't think it's anything unknowable, but simply selfish human-nature: me first. I believe all of our demise is rooted in that and that we must lose ourself, in order to gain ourself. To paraphrase, you've probably heard the verse, "if you want to gain your life, you must lose it". Most of modern life is rooted in just the opposite perspective.

 

[encerent]

So you pay escorts?

 

[danishispsychic]

I think the thing that stood out most was your wanting someone to " grant you an epiphany". That right there is magical thinking . I would look into your gut and liver health. You really are ahead of your time IMO, " Friends " are kind of obsolete. " Connections " are not. Paying for escorts is interesting- It sure beats random app sex and probably give you more connection. I would say in terms of changing up your mental state or tweaking it - just try to really get to know your body and all its functions in a super real way . Like get a whole super duper blood work up. Its fun, and it give you another way to focus on yourself that is actually productive. Sounds like you may have some anger issues that get expressed with your gaming - so again, check your liver. If you have great med insurance, get some scans too- See your organs, know whats up. Fasting IMO in small doses really helps the brain. You might want to do a little no gaming/ water fast weekend and see how that feels. I think that the more connected you really are to your physical body the better at this point. Too much in your head possibly?

 

[Lilac]

In my understanding of Peat, a zest for life--feeling like "a child on Christmas morning"--represents good thyroid function and health. When you're down, inactive, sad, and the like, hormones are off. I think MigFon had some sound advice: Keep looking for small improvements that will move you forward.

Have you ever had pets?

 

[Jennifer]

I have a fear of letting people get close to me.

This makes sense to me because you believe you are unworthy, unneeded biomass. If anyone ever got close enough to you, to know the real you, they would see you're unworthy, unneeded biomass, too? And maybe there's a part of you that has been holding out hope that what you've been believing about yourself since kindergarten isn't true so you cling to external validation and attempt to avoid the soul sucking feeling that is self-rejection?

Sorry if I'm way off. However, I'm positive that you are not unworthy, unneeded biomass. Though, it doesn't matter what I believe. It matters what you believe. Why do you believe what you believe? Is this really your belief or a belief you adopted as your own that was never yours to begin with? Maybe start there? It seems to be the case for so many of us. Lots of us have taken on the beliefs of those who have bullied/criticized/abused us as if they were our own, as if they were truth.

 

[teds]

I have a fear of letting people get close to me. I have been sinking deeper into this place since graduating college, and now, at 25, my priority in life is making ends meet to pay rent. I'll put on a peppy facade, work a job that pays well but involves networking and office politics (most recently as a financial advisor), then when people start asking questions about my personal life and I get uneasy, I'll quit said job and remain unemployed for months before finding another one. I'm constantly making sure people like and enjoy me, yet the last thing I want is friendship - I just want to reassure myself that I'm perceived well. I don't lie; I simply present my positive qualities and omit everything else. I've slowly cut every friend out of my life and I'm not sure why I'm doing this. To some extent I get pleasure from rejecting people, but I don't remember being rejected by other people during my life. It seems to stem from the fact that I've always rejected myself. I'm not even depressed; just avoidant and devoid of purpose and need for others.

My outlet used to be competitive gaming. At first I was well-known with tens of thousands of subscribers on YouTube; years later I scrapped that identity and would change my alias hourly, often to crush the same competition, making them fume under the belief that they were losing to a different person each time. This went on for thousands of hours, and reflects a pattern in my life - to achieve and create, and then to efface and start from scratch over and over again. Every piece of artwork, every reddit and Twitter account, every photo, every article and novel wiped clear to leave no legacy behind.

Not to be melodramatic, but I feel like I am an empty person who shouldn't exist at all, which is a thought that's been bouncing around my head since kindergarten. Is this a mental illness or is this just what I am? I identify as unworthy, unneeded biomass. In fact, I don't even know why I'm writing this. I suppose I just want someone to read it and grant me an epiphany. It's a fairly selfish motive, but my life is this confusing venn diagram of egotism and timidity/masochism. If I am nothing, what is it all for if it's all for myself?

this sound like a plant medicine job. In the right setting and with the right intent, it can be profound and very helpful/life changing..

 

[Jem Oz]

@Mossy I COMPLETELY disagree with what you wrote and I find it offensive and utterly unhelpful. Aside from anything else, to tell someone who has had the courage to be incredibly honest that he is "selfish" is just rude. You don't mean it in a nasty way, and you obviously believe what you say, but you are wrong. It has overtures of Buddhism, which I firmly believe is mistaken in its mantra of 'no self'. In fact I think that entire approach only INCREASES suffering. I could expand on that point at great length but I won't.

If someone thinks that they suffer because they are "selfish", quite frankly all that says to me is this: you had parents who put themselves first, made you feel guilty for being alive, made you feel bad for being a self-centered baby/child with constant needs. And you, the child, learned to put yourself last, concur with your cruel parents and you came to feel wicked and egotistical for having perfectly normal and essential needs and wants. I don't expect wide agreement with that, mostly because all of us had flawed parents who failed to meet our needs adequately, and the ONLY way a tiny child can survive that situation is to believe the parents are right and the child is wicked and selfish. And most people go their whole adult lives without facing up to these awful truths about our earliest years.

Anyway, @Aaron you are not "selfish" mate, and I commend you for baring your soul. And the fact that you have fantastic insight into the complex things going on inside you is such an encouraging sign. My only advice, if you're interested, is to keep going as you are, slowly building up awareness of yourself, testing out ideas, and I promise you will be staggered by the progress. But for god's sake don't for one second buy into the notion that you're just being selfish and that all your problems would magically disappear if you simply thought more about others and put their needs ahead of your own.

Best of luck mate

 

[Hugh Johnson]

I have a fear of letting people get close to me. I have been sinking deeper into this place since graduating college, and now, at 25, my priority in life is making ends meet to pay rent. I'll put on a peppy facade, work a job that pays well but involves networking and office politics (most recently as a financial advisor), then when people start asking questions about my personal life and I get uneasy, I'll quit said job and remain unemployed for months before finding another one. I'm constantly making sure people like and enjoy me, yet the last thing I want is friendship - I just want to reassure myself that I'm perceived well. I don't lie; I simply present my positive qualities and omit everything else. I've slowly cut every friend out of my life and I'm not sure why I'm doing this. To some extent I get pleasure from rejecting people, but I don't remember being rejected by other people during my life. It seems to stem from the fact that I've always rejected myself. I'm not even depressed; just avoidant and devoid of purpose and need for others.

My outlet used to be competitive gaming. At first I was well-known with tens of thousands of subscribers on YouTube; years later I scrapped that identity and would change my alias hourly, often to crush the same competition, making them fume under the belief that they were losing to a different person each time. This went on for thousands of hours, and reflects a pattern in my life - to achieve and create, and then to efface and start from scratch over and over again. Every piece of artwork, every reddit and Twitter account, every photo, every article and novel wiped clear to leave no legacy behind.

Not to be melodramatic, but I feel like I am an empty person who shouldn't exist at all, which is a thought that's been bouncing around my head since kindergarten. Is this a mental illness or is this just what I am? I identify as unworthy, unneeded biomass. In fact, I don't even know why I'm writing this. I suppose I just want someone to read it and grant me an epiphany. It's a fairly selfish motive, but my life is this confusing venn diagram of egotism and timidity/masochism. If I am nothing, what is it all for if it's all for myself?

This is neither mental illness, nor is it what you are. There is nothing wrong with being selfish, and perhaps that is the problem. You may have thoughts that you are not enough, that people need to like you, and that their opinions matter. You might even believe your thinking matters, and you listen to it.

I recently had a though telling me "I should kill myself." along with an intense moment of shame. Well, it was a thought, and I was experiencing my thinking, telling me all kinds of things about myself. However, I recocognized the thought is just that, thought. Thinking does not mean anything, and your feelings are really just a reaction to your thinking. If you really realize this, nothing can hurt you, not really. You can always you stop when the thinking gets out of hand and let you mind settle. When you feel the need to run, it is not real it's just reaction to some strange thinking you have, and you have no more reason to listen to that than I have to off myself because some thoughts, less real than fictional posts on the internet, tells me to. Consider reading Inside Out by Micheal Neill.

 

[Waynish]

I have a fear of letting people get close to me. I have been sinking deeper into this place since graduating college, and now, at 25, my priority in life is making ends meet to pay rent. I'll put on a peppy facade, work a job that pays well but involves networking and office politics (most recently as a financial advisor), then when people start asking questions about my personal life and I get uneasy, I'll quit said job and remain unemployed for months before finding another one. I'm constantly making sure people like and enjoy me, yet the last thing I want is friendship - I just want to reassure myself that I'm perceived well. I don't lie; I simply present my positive qualities and omit everything else. I've slowly cut every friend out of my life and I'm not sure why I'm doing this. To some extent I get pleasure from rejecting people, but I don't remember being rejected by other people during my life. It seems to stem from the fact that I've always rejected myself. I'm not even depressed; just avoidant and devoid of purpose and need for others.

My outlet used to be competitive gaming. At first I was well-known with tens of thousands of subscribers on YouTube; years later I scrapped that identity and would change my alias hourly, often to crush the same competition, making them fume under the belief that they were losing to a different person each time. This went on for thousands of hours, and reflects a pattern in my life - to achieve and create, and then to efface and start from scratch over and over again. Every piece of artwork, every reddit and Twitter account, every photo, every article and novel wiped clear to leave no legacy behind.

Not to be melodramatic, but I feel like I am an empty person who shouldn't exist at all, which is a thought that's been bouncing around my head since kindergarten. Is this a mental illness or is this just what I am? I identify as unworthy, unneeded biomass. In fact, I don't even know why I'm writing this. I suppose I just want someone to read it and grant me an epiphany. It's a fairly selfish motive, but my life is this confusing venn diagram of egotism and timidity/masochism. If I am nothing, what is it all for if it's all for myself?

File this under "another self-hating white male!" Joking :P
When was the last time you've been on a trip? Maybe go try some SEAsian prostitutes for a little while? Gotta exercise that letting go enough to let people in. You're unworthy according to yourself and it will stay that way until you start letting go of the correct things. Also, a warmer culture like the ones found in SEAsia should help this occur.

 

[Mossy]

@Mossy I COMPLETELY disagree with what you wrote and I find it offensive and utterly unhelpful. Aside from anything else, to tell someone who has had the courage to be incredibly honest that he is "selfish" is just rude. You don't mean it in a nasty way, and you obviously believe what you say, but you are wrong. It has overtures of Buddhism, which I firmly believe is mistaken in its mantra of 'no self'. In fact I think that entire approach only INCREASES suffering. I could expand on that point at great length but I won't.

If someone thinks that they suffer because they are "selfish", quite frankly all that says to me is this: you had parents who put themselves first, made you feel guilty for being alive, made you feel bad for being a self-centered baby/child with constant needs. And you, the child, learned to put yourself last, concur with your cruel parents and you came to feel wicked and egotistical for having perfectly normal and essential needs and wants. I don't expect wide agreement with that, mostly because all of us had flawed parents who failed to meet our needs adequately, and the ONLY way a tiny child can survive that situation is to believe the parents are right and the child is wicked and selfish. And most people go their whole adult lives without facing up to these awful truths about our earliest years.

Anyway, @Aaron you are not "selfish" mate, and I commend you for baring your soul. And the fact that you have fantastic insight into the complex things going on inside you is such an encouraging sign. My only advice, if you're interested, is to keep going as you are, slowly building up awareness of yourself, testing out ideas, and I promise you will be staggered by the progress. But for god's sake don't for one second buy into the notion that you're just being selfish and that all your problems would magically disappear if you simply thought more about others and put their needs ahead of your own.

Best of luck mate

Hi Jem, I can attempt to articulate and expand a bit, to clarify my position and thoughts.

For starters, let me say, I do truly wish success for you, Aaron, and hope you do find what it's all for. My convictions are that this success is rooted first in looking at oneself honestly. Our behaviors, for the most part, make up the now/current us--even if we could be, and were meant to be, someone else. The behaviors that Aaron shared: desire to make the competition fume, make use of escorts (in title only), and getting pleasure from rejecting people, are very self-gratifying; so, I think my focus on the selfish aspect is fitting. I'd say Aaron even alludes to this in his post. I can only give the answer I feel is fitting and true: that attempting to gratify the self, by way of these behaviors, is contrary to a fulfilling life--both for Aaron and the world around him. I think behavior that is opposite to all that Aaron shared, where he starts a meaningful relationship instead of escorts, games with integrity, and doesn't purposely reject/hurt people, will start to bring satisfaction and meaning to life. An old poet, John Donne, said (modern translation):

No man is an island,

Entire of itself,

Every man is a piece of the continent,

A part of the main.​

I do commend Aaron for his honestly and to willingly share all his sides, which he confesses he normally would not do. So, it would seem, a successful step already. I can also share that I speak from personal weakness and experience with regard to selfishness.

 

[dreamcatcher]

I have a fear of letting people get close to me. I have been sinking deeper into this place since graduating college, and now, at 25, my priority in life is making ends meet to pay rent. I'll put on a peppy facade, work a job that pays well but involves networking and office politics (most recently as a financial advisor), then when people start asking questions about my personal life and I get uneasy, I'll quit said job and remain unemployed for months before finding another one. I'm constantly making sure people like and enjoy me, yet the last thing I want is friendship - I just want to reassure myself that I'm perceived well. I don't lie; I simply present my positive qualities and omit everything else. I've slowly cut every friend out of my life and I'm not sure why I'm doing this. To some extent I get pleasure from rejecting people, but I don't remember being rejected by other people during my life. It seems to stem from the fact that I've always rejected myself. I'm not even depressed; just avoidant and devoid of purpose and need for others.

My outlet used to be competitive gaming. At first I was well-known with tens of thousands of subscribers on YouTube; years later I scrapped that identity and would change my alias hourly, often to crush the same competition, making them fume under the belief that they were losing to a different person each time. This went on for thousands of hours, and reflects a pattern in my life - to achieve and create, and then to efface and start from scratch over and over again. Every piece of artwork, every reddit and Twitter account, every photo, every article and novel wiped clear to leave no legacy behind.

Not to be melodramatic, but I feel like I am an empty person who shouldn't exist at all, which is a thought that's been bouncing around my head since kindergarten. Is this a mental illness or is this just what I am? I identify as unworthy, unneeded biomass. In fact, I don't even know why I'm writing this. I suppose I just want someone to read it and grant me an epiphany. It's a fairly selfish motive, but my life is this confusing venn diagram of egotism and timidity/masochism. If I am nothing, what is it all for if it's all for myself?

Omg it's similar to how I feel about things. I do not want to hurt people but find it difficult to establish close relationships (although I'm very friendly) specially since I learned about Ray Peat's work. I started to think deeper about life and find many things uninteresting which I enjoyed doing in the past. I've also deleted all my social media accounts..

 

[Herbie]

With most people on ssri and estrogen and people here on progesterone, dhea, pregnenlone and cypro, of course it’s going to be a challenge to make close relations/ relate. Of course I’m generalizing.

Birds of a feather flock togeather, people with strong metabolism and healthy endeocrine system are an endangered species and diffucult for these people having to interact with majority of deranged, demented, degenerates and culture, though it’s easier to spot and find the good ones, keep refining the filtration system.

If a person is raised by neglectful parents who put their emotional needs above the child and the child then allows people at school and work and romantic relationships to do the same because they didn’t know any different, if this doesn’t destroy the person, it will take a great time in solitude to rebuild and come out a fantastic person who takes no bs in an elegant and polite manor.

 

[Richiebogie]

Hi @Aaron,

This story features escorts and an epiphany!

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke+15:11-32&version=KJV

Have you ever fed pigs?

 

[dreamcatcher]

Hi @Aaron,

This story features escorts and an epiphany!

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke+15:11-32&version=KJV

Have you ever fed pigs?

Using fear to control people in religions.

 

[Regina]

With most people on ssri and estrogen and people here on progesterone, dhea, pregnenlone and cypro, of course it’s going to be a challenge to make close relations/ relate. Of course I’m generalizing.

Birds of a feather flock togeather, people with strong metabolism and healthy endeocrine system are an endangered species and diffucult for these people having to interact with majority of deranged, demented, degenerates and culture, though it’s easier to spot and find the good ones, keep refining the filtration system.

If a person is raised by neglectful parents who put their emotional needs above the child and the child then allows people at school and work and romantic relationships to do the same because they didn’t know any different, if this doesn’t destroy the person, it will take a great time in solitude to rebuild and come out a fantastic person who takes no bs in an elegant and polite manor.

 

[Richiebogie]

Hi @Rosie.

That story is about love not fear.

The young man believes the world is a place where you find happiness by "doing what thou wilt", living for the moment, seeking out fleeting pleasures, profiting from selling prescription drugs with terrible side effects...

Invariably he discovers that life is cold and cruel. The people he works for care more for the pigs he feeds than for him!

He remembers happier times when he held simple childhood values of truth, love, kindness...

(This was before he went to kindergarten and encountered the Philosophies of the Frankfurt School).

Perhaps he can find peace by quietly loving others, and serving them...

He repents of his former pride in his ability to spin false narratives at the advertising agency.

He no longer respects sophisticated arguments concluding that people are worthless meat.

He suddenly feels great love - love he was told he did not deserve.

He is forgiven, just as he forgives.

He has left Hell and has entered Heaven, all in the here and now.