Vaginal Mapping

[Heidi]

Hi scalettsmum. Thanks for your courage in sharing about your vaginal mapping therapy. I appreciate people sharing these kinds of experiences. I have done some vaginal massage with my husband and think that it is an especially healing therapy. It is interesting how touch can be very uncomfortable, but then change to pleasure.

I would also recommend looking into OM massage or om-ing. I didn't go to any workshops or work with any practitioners, so I can't speak about the integrity of the organization. But I learned how to do it by watching videos and reading instructions online. I then got my husband (and also a friend who had been to a workshop) to do it. It was very healing and helpful, but my husband and I ended up modifying the practice after doing it for a bit.

I also wanted to say that I would not worry about the deep breathing or feeling light headed. I think that deep breathing and even some brief hyperventilation can be useful in releasing trauma and moving emotions. I think that the problem is when you do it habitually as a regular ongoing practice. (I got messed up by doing Transformational Breathwork regularly for 12 years. Not recommended!) But probably doing more breathing once in awhile in a therapeutic context is fine, and may be helpful in that context.

I look forward to hearing how your healing goes over more time. Thanks again for sharing.

 

[Xisca]

Any news about the next session?

 

[scarlettsmum]

@Heidi thanks for your encouraging words. @Xisca, I was able to move the 3rd session to this last Wednesday so I was really pleased about that as I felt really emotionally exhausted after the second session and I don't even remember much from that. I remember that a memory of a past partner turned up as a hardened area and was causing me stinging pain and that was completely resolved, released and then felt pleasant. This whole therapy certainly awakens sensitivity and dissolves painful/cold spots. The last session was incredibly powerful, I almost felt afterwards like I had a minor PTSD, I'm afraid. I think this therapy may not be for the faint of heart like me. It depends, therapist told me that some people see colours, some only feel emotions, and some, like me, see imagery and sometimes it is things you don't want to see. I don't understand it really and can't get my head around how this is even possible, but last session, at point 9, which is also my numerological number, it felt like a regression of a sort, although I never did that, but this is what I imagine it would be like. I never expected this to be such a spiritual experience for me. First few points dealt with past relationship, access, unreadiness, disrespect and then at point number 9 I saw a purple colour and a really bad fearful negative energy and so much pain (emotional). I saw a woman lying down, a wild/untamed woman with free wild hair, and her eyes were bulging and she was in agony screaming but in her mouth the teeth were as though wolf teeth and was very pale, visually almost dead, if it wasn't for the emotion she felt and the screaming. Then her lower body was experiencing an immense burning pain felt as though she's experiencing some severe trauma to her genitals, like a traumatic birth or torture or god knows what. I didn't perceive her body as united, I was observing her and I wasn't sure she represented me and I was scared of her upper body/face and didn't feel any sympathy for her because she looked so weird, inhuman like and perhaps guilty, deserved it? But I felt her pain and sympathy for her lower half and I felt the pain in my body physically as burning fiery sensation. I don't know what the polarity between her upper/lower body meant. Thoughts came popping up like I need to go through this in order to feel joy, I can't feel joy until I let go of fear until I go through it. Then I also got thought like the access to my privates is access to all knowledge, understanding of all and I thought that the fear I felt from the imagery was fear of death and that this is what I imagine death to look like, that I worry it will be this painful and unbearable. Memories form childhood church visits popped up, when the priest said everyday you are closer to death and memento mori (remember death) Eventually the imagery lost much of the emotional charge and I started to feel all this love and saying things like, yes, I'm accepting all this love coming to me. I'm loved, I'm saying yes to love and felt this incredible warmth spreading throughout the body and then I was so overwhelmed by this emotion (if you think fear is strong, try love, it's scary if you are not ready for it, it completely engulfs you!) that I became so scared I had to stop the session 45 minutes early. I just couldn't take it anymore. I started to dig into my feet with my nails until I felt pain and had a cold shower and slapped myself a few times to feel normal again. Followed by shopping therapy, the most grounding experience known to a man. :) I was ok, until I told my husband, then the fear came back in much lesser degree but it was there. I am much better today, but am a little annoyed with myself for not going through with it because now as it stands it is unresolved and I keep thinking about what it could have meant. At the same time I am not brave enough to go for another session. I will think about the point instead, feel it myself bit by bit, taking the easy slow steady road. It is too early to say since last 3rd session was only yesterday, but already after the second session I felt like I knew/understood more who I am and I understood that I must embrace it whether I like that about me or not and mustn't worry about whether others like me full on or not. I also feel profoundly feminine and in touch with my femininity and not feeling guilt about expressing it. I am more confident with people, I want to go out and meet people, a new one for me. It has actually turned out into a frustration now, because all these years I fiercely protected my hermit status and now I can't wait to come out of my shell fast enough. Also I bounce other people's energy back now more easily. However time will tell if these are permanent changes or not.
I was going to say if anyone wants to comment please be nice or don't say anything at all. I'm sharing this in good faith.

 

[GAF]

No holding back! Thanks for sharing and showing incredible courage.

 

[Gl;itch.e]

I could handle being corrected if there's any supportive science but my gut on this one is its total BS. The vagina isn't magical and there's no reason to think everything would be stored there. I'm open to the idea of the various organs in the body being part of a larger conscious/feeling part of what we call mind and the functions most relegate to the brain, but I think its a little outrageous to believe so much would be focused in such a rather basic part of ones anatomy.

 

[Heidi]

Thanks again for sharing so intimately about your experience. Hopefully it will help other women. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote about. I think that most women store pain and trauma vaginally like what you describe, but I'm guessing that most aren't aware of it or haven't found a way to heal it. The body stores so much. For me healing is ongoing and seems to happen in layers. For example, I use to have intense genital burning from severe bladder infections and also from yeast problems. Recently I have had really good success staying with the sensory experience of the sensations. The burning completely resolved just by staying with the emotions and sensations (coupled with a reduced breathing). In the past, I would have had burning for days, coupled with bladder or yeast symptoms. This time the burning didn't go any further and fully resolved itself by gently attending to it in this way.

I also highly recommend feeling sensations as they originate from within your genitals, pelvic organs, or your body as a whole. It is very simple and powerful to shift perspective like that. I think that usually we tend to feel sensations more on the surface of our bodies, as as though they are happening to us from without. Ecstatichamster wrote here How To Increase Breast Size Naturally Through Foods? and here Any Home Remedies To Get Bigger Breast? about the power of feeling your breasts from within. It's been hard to find other references to people focusing on feeling their sensory experience from within in this way.

Also, you have lots of time to integrate and keep healing. Resolution can come at different times in different ways, through another session (when/if you're ready for it) or through some other experience. It can take awhile to fully absorb and settle with powerful experiences. I wish you well with your continued healing.

 

[scarlettsmum]

I could handle being corrected if there's any supportive science but my gut on this one is its total BS. The vagina isn't magical and there's no reason to think everything would be stored there. I'm open to the idea of the various organs in the body being part of a larger conscious/feeling part of what we call mind and the functions most relegate to the brain, but I think its a little outrageous to believe so much would be focused in such a rather basic part of ones anatomy.

I don't know, it sounds crazy to me too. All I wanted was sensitivity back and got more than I bargained for. Although my goal was achieved. Believe me, i could have done without the strong emotions, imagery. I'm still trying to make sense of it all. I was thinking perhaps my mind was bored and is very colourful so it's making stuff up that then scares me. It's possible, I have no evidence...

 

[Gl;itch.e]

I don't know, it sounds crazy to me too. All I wanted was sensitivity back and got more than I bargained for. Although my goal was achieved. Believe me, i could have done without the strong emotions, imagery. I'm still trying to make sense of it all. I was thinking perhaps my mind was bored and is very colourful so it's making stuff up that then scares me. It's possible, I have no evidence...

That's a good thing and I can't fault the technique if that is the goal. "Getting in touch with yourself" makes total sense and I think it could be compared to the mind/muscle connection good bodybuilders attempt to develop. Simple touch of an area you wish to develop a connection with is usually good enough to get your mind focused on that area and from there its not too hard to learn how to "feel/focus" on that area without touch.

 

[scarlettsmum]

Thanks again for sharing so intimately about your experience. Hopefully it will help other women. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote about. I think that most women store pain and trauma vaginally like what you describe, but I'm guessing that most aren't aware of it or haven't found a way to heal it. The body stores so much. For me healing is ongoing and seems to happen in layers. For example, I use to have intense genital burning from severe bladder infections and also from yeast problems. Recently I have had really good success staying with the sensory experience of the sensations. The burning completely resolved just by staying with the emotions and sensations (coupled with a reduced breathing). In the past, I would have had burning for days, coupled with bladder or yeast symptoms. This time the burning didn't go any further and fully resolved itself by gently attending to it in this way.

I also highly recommend feeling sensations as they originate from within your genitals, pelvic organs, or your body as a whole. It is very simple and powerful to shift perspective like that. I think that usually we tend to feel sensations more on the surface of our bodies, as as though they are happening to us from without. Ecstatichamster wrote here How To Increase Breast Size Naturally Through Foods? and here Any Home Remedies To Get Bigger Breast? about the power of feeling your breasts from within. It's been hard to find other references to people focusing on feeling their sensory experience from within in this way.

Also, you have lots of time to integrate and keep healing. Resolution can come at different times in different ways, through another session (when/if you're ready for it) or through some other experience. It can take awhile to fully absorb and settle with powerful experiences. I wish you well with your continued healing.

Thank you, Heidi. I am pleased you were able to resolve the burning pain all by yourself by being with it and feeling it. Natural instinct would be to suppress it straight away especially something as uncomfortable as that. I will remember that next time I have a bladder pain. I will try to think about the point and put my mind's attention there, be really gentle with it. I think as you said I still have a lot to process. At the moment I reject what I felt and what happened because my analytical mind is refusing this stuff and it sort of protects me I guess. It's not easy to come to a conclusion that something like this is possible. It kind of scares me how powerful our mind is. At the moment there is ongoing battle in me between, yes this really happened and you released all these emotions vs. you came in with expectations of releasing emotions so your mind gave you what you asked for. I don't think there is right or wrong answer to this. It's what you believe.

 

[scarlettsmum]

That's a good thing and I can't fault the technique if that is the goal. "Getting in touch with yourself" makes total sense and I think it could be compared to the mind/muscle connection good bodybuilders attempt to develop. Simple touch of an area you wish to develop a connection with is usually good enough to get your mind focused on that area and from there its not too hard to learn how to "feel/focus" on that area without touch.

yes, thats what I will work on from now on. It costs nothing and it is a gentle slow process, exactly what I need now. :)

 

[Makrosky]

Thanks for sharing scarletts... Keep us posted please if you see long term results.

 

[Heidi]

I think as you said I still have a lot to process. At the moment I reject what I felt and what happened because my analytical mind is refusing this stuff and it sort of protects me I guess. It's not easy to come to a conclusion that something like this is possible. It kind of scares me how powerful our mind is. At the moment there is ongoing battle in me between, yes this really happened and you released all these emotions vs. you came in with expectations of releasing emotions so your mind gave you what you asked for. I don't think there is right or wrong answer to this. It's what you believe.

I think that the body is more connected to emotions, imagery, visions, dreams, the subconscious, etc. The mind is always looking to discern and judge and find evidence and proof. It's like the mind and body are operating on different levels and speaking different languages. But both can be right and true in their own way. I've come to have a deep respect for the intelligence of body and emotions, and the way healing can unravel from gently attending to those parts of oneself in a nonjudgmental receptive way. I think that a person can validate his or her sensory emotional experience without needing to come to fixed conclusions about it all, especially if those conclusions tend to limit or repress. And one can just let one's mind speculate, without it interfering with or invalidating the ongoing process. A deeper level of trust and a more reliable direct kind of knowing can arise from being attuned in this way. In my experience it's more powerful than belief and mental knowing or understanding.

 

[scarlettsmum]

I think that the body is more connected to emotions, imagery, visions, dreams, the subconscious, etc. The mind is always looking to discern and judge and find evidence and proof. It's like the mind and body are operating on different levels and speaking different languages. But both can be right and true in their own way. I've come to have a deep respect for the intelligence of body and emotions, and the way healing can unravel from gently attending to those parts of oneself in a nonjudgmental receptive way. I think that a person can validate his or her sensory emotional experience without needing to come to fixed conclusions about it all, especially if those conclusions tend to limit or repress. And one can just let one's mind speculate, without it interfering with or invalidating the ongoing process. A deeper level of trust and a more reliable direct kind of knowing can arise from being attuned in this way. In my experience it's more powerful than belief and mental knowing or understanding.

Beautifuly put, Heidi. Yes, thats exactly what's happening to me, mind speculating. I completely relate to what you say. Thank you!:)

 

[Xisca]

. @Xisca, I was able to move the 3rd session to this last Wednesday so I was really pleased about that as I felt really emotionally exhausted after the second session and I don't even remember much from that

Thanks, I a very happy about my grain of salt there! Exhaustion was what bothered me if too close. 72h, 3 days, is the mini time for integration of a work.

The last session was incredibly powerful, I almost felt afterwards like I had a minor PTSD, I'm afraid. I think this therapy may not be for the faint of heart like me.

Better said, your body started to go out of some PTSD, and the moment of going out is the strongest, up to the point that we may not be able to handle it. Yes, you had some sort of dissociation as we call it, which is "only"d one part of ptsd, and it was due to the "too much". Less is more in therapies!

 

[Xisca]

I became so scared I had to stop the session 45 minutes early. I just couldn't take it anymore. I started to dig into my feet with my nails until I felt pain and had a cold shower and slapped myself a few times to feel normal again. Followed by shopping therapy, the most grounding experience known to a man. :) I was ok, until I told my husband, then the fear came back in much lesser degree but it was there. I am much better today, but am a little annoyed with myself for not going through with it because now as it stands it is unresolved and I keep thinking about what it could have meant.

Hope I can help for this too, what it meant is not what helps most. Of course our minds are curious! But I guess you noticed in the therapy that the body discharge and relief is more important than the understanding.
The fear you have is something frozen in you, and we all have. When it goes out of freeze, then the old emotion shows up, especially when you talk about it. Or think about it enough. What you do now is to freeze it again, and this is ok! That is protection as you mentioned elsewhere.
If you compare to brooming a room, well when there is no time, you let part of it under the carpet! And when it comes to the nervous system, it is not even time, it is just not good to unfreeze too much at a time, let your system rest.

You did very good when you decided to stop before. You listened to your body.

What I underlined is what makes me think you froze/dissociate, to protect you from the strong emotions that were coming out.
The Word grounding is exactly what is the better ccounterpart of freeze. You have to come back!
All you did before was to feel your skin, and slapping is good.

If you usee this again, I can tell you how to benefit more: do it to half of your body, and take time to feel the difference, to feel how good it is to come back to your touch sense. Take time to integrate this, to feel relieved by the possibility you have to bring you back. Then do the other part of the body and feel whole and appreciate.

Also, and maybe you did it without noticing, try to orienteer around, with your eyes, and also come back to hear again, try to identify all sounds. Do you smell something etc, connect to the environment, you are SAFE.

When you "go away" part of you does not feel safe, and the mind does not help. Your mind can just think about some exercise to do, and then your body makes the shift, and then notice that you feel safe, secure, more stable, more grounded, and orientered into your environment. You can also purposely look around looking for what is nice to see for you. What do you like best around? And how do you feel when you notice that something is nice? These are all somatic experiencing tips.

 

[Xisca]

I also feel profoundly feminine and in touch with my femininity and not feeling guilt about expressing it. I am more confident with people, I want to go out and meet people, a new one for me. It has actually turned out into a frustration now, because all these years I fiercely protected my hermit status and now I can't wait to come out of my shell fast enough. Also I bounce other people's energy back now more easily. However time will tell if these are permanent changes or not.

That is wonderful! Focus on this!
Yes that is right, you touched something more, something beyond, and you had to store it back. This is not important as you cannot resolve all that quick, the body needs time to integrate.

Please stay with part of your impatience and do this of meeting people slowly, you cannot eat the whole cow after having been used to eat ...mice lol I say this only for the size....

You have changed, other people have not, poor them, do not frighten them with your evergy lol again....

According to what you say, yes this is permanent change.
But do not forget that other events can happen in your life, and that it will move you again, all along life. What you gained from your past is definitive believe me! But do not be overconfident, we need to keep an eye all life long, because we are not Superman and we are fragile sensitive humans.

I say this also because it happened to me to think that I was so much better that nothing could hurt me anymore.... and the lesson was hard afterward....

I thank you with all my heart with your inspiring sharings.
I am going to post now on your threat about creativity, because I am now better than those last months, and my creativity is coming back, and you also helped to notice it with this post.... THANKS

 

[Waynish]

I would be very cautious with this kind of thing. I do not know the exact practices they are using, so I cannot speak to this, but there are some red flags you should watch out for.

•Are the practitioners who are doing this massage/vaginal mapping skinny, attractive, and sexualized? If so they are probably feeding on your emotional states, encouraging you while they drain you.

Agreed Tarmander - but why do you say this second part ("skinny, attractive, ...")?
My take is that once you have access you can do the work yourself. Once you can see tension in the body directly, then you can habitually release it. Getting someone else to release it for you can just build up a dependency. Getting them to show you your holding patterns is great, so then you can keep in mind the work that needs to be done until it becomes a part of you :)

 

[Xisca]

You can do this only partially!
I do Somatic Experiencing, and I can do something to me, but this is limited, really.
Nothing can replace the human co-regulation....
This is a feature of the nervous system.
If you want to release something you have been holding, you hold it because it is too much to release alone. The nervous regulation needs to be supported by another person.

 

[vrd2107]

@scarlettsmum How did this pan out for you in the long term? I’ve been coming to terms with my own relationship with caring touch in general and sexuality. In my case I have some past traumatic experiences I feel as though I’ve done a lot of psychological work to heal but my body (and biophysiology) is lagging behind. I began having sex at 15 and have been in a series of longterm relationships back to back until I was 28. I was basically never without touch or sexual touch for longer than three months at a time for over a decade. I’m currently voluntarily celibate and don’t have casual sex.This is the longest time in my adult life I have gone without intimate touch (a year now). The thing is I didn’t even get pleasure (in the sense of having orgasms) with any partnered sex until the end of my last relationship when I finally developed the self respect to speak up and show my then-partner how to give me one. But as a child my parents did not touch me much (very little caring touch and tenderness especially from my father, to this day he seems to flinch when giving me a hug) so what I learned about caring touch (and intimate touch) — I experience it like a a drug. It helps to regulate my emotions and mood. Which, in many ways is arguably a dependency/addiction. Once I realized this and decided to be celibate I basically experienced intense withdrawal. I won’t go into the details but without caring touch I felt like my being was getting annihilated. At the same time I have no desire to share intimate relations and this special part of myself with casual partners anymore. I have enjoyed being extremely discerning with dating and potential partners. Being celibate has been good for me but the withdrawal has been a journey. I’m grateful because the journey has taught me so much about myself and my motivations. Getting massages and facials has actually given my body deep comfort to the point of alleviating biophysiological ‘withdrawal symptoms’ for a few weeks at a time. Before I had my first orgasms with a partner I had looked into therapy like what you described and was hoping it could help me develop a better relationship towards my self and my body. After doing a lot (I mean psychotherapy 5x a week) of work on my self I have made a lot of progress in this psychologically but I am curious about how body work could synergize with my healing process and ultimately believe giving caring touch to myself from a trained therapist would prevent unconscious regression into the sort of relationship one engages in simply to get ones primal (and yet very real) needs met. Are you willing to share if you had any further sessions and how it impacted your life in the longer term?