Learned Helplessness/low Grade To High Grade Trauma/when I Realized Diet Wasn't Enough

Peatogenic

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Joined
Sep 11, 2017
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746
At age 33, I began talk therapy...two months later I was transferred to a trauma specialist where I was basically realizing I had CPTSD (IF we must use labels). I discovered RAY PEAT about 5 years ago and went down that road heavily (perhaps even as a traumatic perfectionistic aim, or a desire to untangle the phantom chaos)...but I also loved his emphasis on learned helplessness, perceiving, thinking, and acting. As I've started this science-based psychotherapy modality for trauma I'm even seeing my hormones regulate better. Trauma could be impeding our power to perceive the entire organism.

Four months ago I started going to a talk therapist with no formal diagnosis of anything (I still don't have one). After two months, he said I'd need to work with a trauma specialist. In our appointments I would close my eyes, slow my speech, slower heart rate. Every session was exhausting. I felt like we weren't getting anywhere. My "trusting the process of therapy" felt like an act in the end.

I did a little research and discovered Somatic Experiencing. It was grueling finding a practitioner. My last hope wasn't currently taking clients but a colleague said I should call anyway. To my great surprise, she called me back the next day saying a time had just become available. Her entire practice was based on trauma recovery.

I drove an hour to my first appointment. She was this small Chinese woman and she got right to business. She began to apply these bag weights on different parts of my body and we began processing my body sensations and my perceptions of the office. A giant window spread across one wall framing a large tree branch. At one point there was this brief exchange about my experience in a cult of 8 years. That my mysterious emotional dysregulation and general confusion, dissociation, etc was because of a lack of faith, evil spirits, being against the cult, etc. With the most genuine expression, she said, "I'm so sorry they told you that.". In those few words I felt so vindicated. I knew that I had something wrong with me on a physiological/brain level and it was like I had finally found answers. What I was dealing with was no mystery to her. She sees it every day.

With this type of therapy, especially with dissociation, there's no talking really about the past. It's all about body sensations and perceptions. I discovered that I did not really feel my body or see things correctly. As the work with the weights went on I began to sense my body more clearly, my vision of things became more vibrant, and I had this strange new awareness of my body and perceptions. In one session, there was about 20 pounds on my feet by the end. When I left, the world was so vivid, I could hear better, and even smell differently.

When I start to dissociate bad she takes a more proactive approach and rolls up a bouncy ball next to me to sit on and has me hold her arm. She walks me through the coming out...and I am able to differentiate between the two. One time, I could sense every part of my body except my hand touching her arm. Yesterday, I was sitting there observing the room...and I suddenly realized how different it looked...but with these sense changes comes feeling changes...and so it was just like this *entirely different* world. I suddenly realized that I had left this world most of my life. It was both overwhelmingly beautiful and sobering. She saw me start to dissociate here again and gave me some ceramic turtles to hold in my hand and I was not able to hold in the pain of my regret.

She rolled up and had me hold her arm. We talked about perceptions and she said that I have to remember that dissociation saved me. That we have no choice, our bodies do it for us. Eventually I came back, in control and processing.

The weights re-train the mind body neurological connection. It's not a lifelong practice I will have to take up. It's about healing. With the weights I can access a different world....not just in sensation but also in feeling...as if it deactivates that *trauma feeling*. I do this weight work on my own every day for 20 minutes as well. It's mind and body rehabilitation.

A few weeks ago, between sessions, I was having a very difficult time. She said I should try wearing some ankle weights as I go about my day. I remember walking outside and having the distinct feeling that *I am a real person*....it shocked me. All the colors looked so vivid. And even more, I had incredible focus, a feeling of power over my life. This happens every day I wear the ankle weights. I've noticed if I don't wear them sometimes, I can still access this at times. I'm starting to actually feel that brain switch that does all of this and I can see how I could eventually do this at will if I start separating or spiraling.

And the really incredible thing is that I've only done the SE for six weeks. I feel as if I'm waking up into a new world. No mental health diagnoses, no prescriptions, not even talking about stuff yet. All very gentle and intuitive and in the moment. SE really works for me, and I don't even really know what's "wrong". I told her yesterday that this work just seems to create change in the mind without any methodical protocols or understanding of the mechanics. "Amazing, isn't it," she said. Trauma has affected everyone to some degree, and when we are fully sensing our bodies we become powerful and present.

To find an SE practitioner, you can visit:. Find An SE Practitioner - SE Practitioner Directory
 

sunflower1

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Joined
Jul 4, 2015
Messages
74
Lovely to hear your story. I'm about 18 months into SE and starting to have a sense of peace I never knew existed. It's slow in coming but it's happening.. In the past I would have chosen stress and intensity but now I'm finally choosing peace and walking away from things that don't help me .. It's really beautiful work ...
 
OP
Peatogenic

Peatogenic

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Joined
Sep 11, 2017
Messages
746
Lovely to hear your story. I'm about 18 months into SE and starting to have a sense of peace I never knew existed. It's slow in coming but it's happening.. In the past I would have chosen stress and intensity but now I'm finally choosing peace and walking away from things that don't help me .. It's really beautiful work ...

That's great...did you suffer from dissociation? How does your practitioner work?
 

sunflower1

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Joined
Jul 4, 2015
Messages
74
I work long distance with her. Most of the stuff we are doing has been around calming the nervous system. I was pretty stuck in fight or flight. I'm pretty sure I disassociate .. Tend to spend way too much time online .. But yeah I'm having more times of feeling a sense of peace and being able to see the difference. 8 months ago I couldn't not get myself into situations as I had no reference point for peace.. So it's quite lovely .. Sounds like you are having some great results with your lady..
Are you dealing with developmental trauma ?
 

denise

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Joined
Oct 18, 2013
Messages
301
@Peatogenic That's so wonderful! I've found SE to be life changing too. I had a similar realization as you, that the best diet (and/or supplements) in the world isn't going to fix what the trauma broke. After just a few sessions of SE and about a month after starting Irene Lyon's course last fall, my IBS completely resolved and my insomnia is much better. It was pretty mind blowing. Other things are slower in coming, but it's a definite upward trend.

@sunflower1 The ability to feel anger is SO WONDERFUL. Up to now I've just had this deep well of rage that was never allowed to come into the light, but now I honestly love to feel my anger. There's so much life energy there. And I can so clearly see how trying to keep all that stuff under wraps meant I was keeping everything under wraps (e.g., joy). I have a long ways to go still, but I finally feel like I've found a way out.
 

sunflower1

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Joined
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Messages
74
@denise
So wonderful to hear this.. Yeah diet didn't do anything for me . I considered doing Irene's course but I was so far gone at the time that I felt I needed some support from a P.. Slowly dragging myself out of the hole I managed to dig for myself running around with so much trauma .. I might sign up to do it october time.. So great to hear about your IBS.. Really can't say enough about this work . Hoping at some point I'll love my anger.. Haven't quite gotten there yet. I'm still a little fragile so it still scares me a little but it's way better than experiencing all the shame I would have around it.. Wow what some humans have to go thru ..
 
OP
Peatogenic

Peatogenic

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Joined
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Messages
746
I work long distance with her. Most of the stuff we are doing has been around calming the nervous system. I was pretty stuck in fight or flight. I'm pretty sure I disassociate .. Tend to spend way too much time online .. But yeah I'm having more times of feeling a sense of peace and being able to see the difference. 8 months ago I couldn't not get myself into situations as I had no reference point for peace.. So it's quite lovely .. Sounds like you are having some great results with your lady..
Are you dealing with developmental trauma ?

Cool, yeah I'm more stuck in freeze... It's only been about two months, so we haven't talked much...mainly have just done body awareness...but yes...it's developmental trauma mixed with more compounding traumas later in life. The dissociation runs deep....the more you pull back, the more you realize is still there....like scrims in consciousness. I'm now beginning to have many dreams at night, so the brain is going through a repair process. I also have not really been one to feel anger through my life. When I do, it stands out to me. I wish there was a forum online for SE patients specifically. The whole identity in a way shifts...and family, etc doesn't really understand how monumental this is (at times breathtaking and at times in super depths of confusion and despair) to uproot and finally tackle.
 

sunflower1

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Joined
Jul 4, 2015
Messages
74
@Peatogenic

Yeah I think each practitioner works differently.. I like the idea about having the weights.. Right now my home work is to do one relaxing thing a day and notice how i feel when I'm doing something stressful so just noticing that little bit of difference.. Noticing my mind is starting to make more executive decisions coming from the frontal lobes rather than always being in on mode from the amygdala ..
And I relate to the family thing. I now have more boundaries and I find it hard to relate to friends and family who are still caught up in stuff..
I like the idea of a forum .. Maybe you could start one ? or a fb page ? Have you been on Irene Lyons healthy nervous system revolution page on FB ? there are a lot of people on there some old and some new who've been doing this work. It helps inspire me when I'm going down a black hole ..
what were your main health issues if you don't mind me asking ?
 

denise

Member
Joined
Oct 18, 2013
Messages
301
@denise
So wonderful to hear this.. Yeah diet didn't do anything for me . I considered doing Irene's course but I was so far gone at the time that I felt I needed some support from a P.. Slowly dragging myself out of the hole I managed to dig for myself running around with so much trauma .. I might sign up to do it october time.. So great to hear about your IBS.. Really can't say enough about this work . Hoping at some point I'll love my anger.. Haven't quite gotten there yet. I'm still a little fragile so it still scares me a little but it's way better than experiencing all the shame I would have around it.. Wow what some humans have to go thru ..
Just FYI, she's running the course only once this year, starting next week. I think you're right not to push it though. Although there's a lot of support, it's nothing like what an SEP would provide, so you have to be cautious about just following along and accidentally blowing up your system because you didn't realize a particular exercise was going to be too much for you. On the other hand, just getting some of the very basics down is really helpful (maybe her 21-day course would give you this), including things like orientation and following your impulses, and also a good foundation of how the NS works.

Cool, yeah I'm more stuck in freeze... It's only been about two months, so we haven't talked much...mainly have just done body awareness...but yes...it's developmental trauma mixed with more compounding traumas later in life. The dissociation runs deep....the more you pull back, the more you realize is still there....like scrims in consciousness. I'm now beginning to have many dreams at night, so the brain is going through a repair process. I also have not really been one to feel anger through my life. When I do, it stands out to me. I wish there was a forum online for SE patients specifically. The whole identity in a way shifts...and family, etc doesn't really understand how monumental this is (at times breathtaking and at times in super depths of confusion and despair) to uproot and finally tackle.
There's a FB group for people who've done Irene's course and who are working with an SEP. I'm not sure they would add you to the group without you having done the course, but you could ask. Here's the link.
 

invictus

Member
Joined
Mar 19, 2013
Messages
98
@Peatogenic: Thank you for sharing your story. I've been stuck in fight or flight/survival mode for over a decade. Regular therapy hasn't worked nor diets or supplements nor medications. Sleep has been trashed for 15 years. Loss of erectile function. Dissociation. Anger. Depression. Suicidal feelings. I'm 70 and so tired of this. It's exhausting, draining and I want my life back. I'll be searching for an SE practioner between Cape Canaveral and Orlando.
 
OP
Peatogenic

Peatogenic

Member
Joined
Sep 11, 2017
Messages
746
@Peatogenic: Thank you for sharing your story. I've been stuck in fight or flight/survival mode for over a decade. Regular therapy hasn't worked nor diets or supplements nor medications. Sleep has been trashed for 15 years. Loss of erectile function. Dissociation. Anger. Depression. Suicidal feelings. I'm 70 and so tired of this. It's exhausting, draining and I want my life back. I'll be searching for an SE practioner between Cape Canaveral and Orlando.

I posted this after the above if it's useful:

My CPTSD Has Rapidly And Consistently Dissolved After Implementing An IdeaLabs Protocol
 

jzeno

Member
Joined
Nov 20, 2017
Messages
543
A little different, but you might be interested in EMDR.



Tons of published work on it, too. emdr - PubMed - NCBI

A few people on here have used it and recommend it.
 
A

Aziz

Guest
At age 33, I began talk therapy...two months later I was transferred to a trauma specialist where I was basically realizing I had CPTSD (IF we must use labels). I discovered RAY PEAT about 5 years ago and went down that road heavily (perhaps even as a traumatic perfectionistic aim, or a desire to untangle the phantom chaos)...but I also loved his emphasis on learned helplessness, perceiving, thinking, and acting. As I've started this science-based psychotherapy modality for trauma I'm even seeing my hormones regulate better. Trauma could be impeding our power to perceive the entire organism.

Four months ago I started going to a talk therapist with no formal diagnosis of anything (I still don't have one). After two months, he said I'd need to work with a trauma specialist. In our appointments I would close my eyes, slow my speech, slower heart rate. Every session was exhausting. I felt like we weren't getting anywhere. My "trusting the process of therapy" felt like an act in the end.

I did a little research and discovered Somatic Experiencing. It was grueling finding a practitioner. My last hope wasn't currently taking clients but a colleague said I should call anyway. To my great surprise, she called me back the next day saying a time had just become available. Her entire practice was based on trauma recovery.

I drove an hour to my first appointment. She was this small Chinese woman and she got right to business. She began to apply these bag weights on different parts of my body and we began processing my body sensations and my perceptions of the office. A giant window spread across one wall framing a large tree branch. At one point there was this brief exchange about my experience in a cult of 8 years. That my mysterious emotional dysregulation and general confusion, dissociation, etc was because of a lack of faith, evil spirits, being against the cult, etc. With the most genuine expression, she said, "I'm so sorry they told you that.". In those few words I felt so vindicated. I knew that I had something wrong with me on a physiological/brain level and it was like I had finally found answers. What I was dealing with was no mystery to her. She sees it every day.

With this type of therapy, especially with dissociation, there's no talking really about the past. It's all about body sensations and perceptions. I discovered that I did not really feel my body or see things correctly. As the work with the weights went on I began to sense my body more clearly, my vision of things became more vibrant, and I had this strange new awareness of my body and perceptions. In one session, there was about 20 pounds on my feet by the end. When I left, the world was so vivid, I could hear better, and even smell differently.

When I start to dissociate bad she takes a more proactive approach and rolls up a bouncy ball next to me to sit on and has me hold her arm. She walks me through the coming out...and I am able to differentiate between the two. One time, I could sense every part of my body except my hand touching her arm. Yesterday, I was sitting there observing the room...and I suddenly realized how different it looked...but with these sense changes comes feeling changes...and so it was just like this *entirely different* world. I suddenly realized that I had left this world most of my life. It was both overwhelmingly beautiful and sobering. She saw me start to dissociate here again and gave me some ceramic turtles to hold in my hand and I was not able to hold in the pain of my regret.

She rolled up and had me hold her arm. We talked about perceptions and she said that I have to remember that dissociation saved me. That we have no choice, our bodies do it for us. Eventually I came back, in control and processing.

The weights re-train the mind body neurological connection. It's not a lifelong practice I will have to take up. It's about healing. With the weights I can access a different world....not just in sensation but also in feeling...as if it deactivates that *trauma feeling*. I do this weight work on my own every day for 20 minutes as well. It's mind and body rehabilitation.

A few weeks ago, between sessions, I was having a very difficult time. She said I should try wearing some ankle weights as I go about my day. I remember walking outside and having the distinct feeling that *I am a real person*....it shocked me. All the colors looked so vivid. And even more, I had incredible focus, a feeling of power over my life. This happens every day I wear the ankle weights. I've noticed if I don't wear them sometimes, I can still access this at times. I'm starting to actually feel that brain switch that does all of this and I can see how I could eventually do this at will if I start separating or spiraling.

And the really incredible thing is that I've only done the SE for six weeks. I feel as if I'm waking up into a new world. No mental health diagnoses, no prescriptions, not even talking about stuff yet. All very gentle and intuitive and in the moment. SE really works for me, and I don't even really know what's "wrong". I told her yesterday that this work just seems to create change in the mind without any methodical protocols or understanding of the mechanics. "Amazing, isn't it," she said. Trauma has affected everyone to some degree, and when we are fully sensing our bodies we become powerful and present.

To find an SE practitioner, you can visit:. Find An SE Practitioner - SE Practitioner Directory
Amazing story! I find it very interesting regarding the ankle weights. Have never tried that but I know one thing and that is that all those few days I was "inside" my body I always walked "heavier", the legs having a heavy, solid feeling in a positive way - so the idea with the weights makes a lot of sense for me.

Do you feel this made a big impact in your healing journey? I am thinking about trying this one.
 

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