Jennifer's Cellular Regeneration Log

[Dutchie]

Gotcha. I was going to ask you if the school had a pool or if you were taken to a public one for your swimming lessons.

If only the school would have had its own indoor pool. ... (I don't know about any school who has).
We did have our own gym, which some schools also don't have.
I remember during Spring/Summer when it was warm outside, that the public pool used to have the roof open so it felt as if you were swimming outside.

It would be useful for a career in music, but a singing voice wasn’t the voice I was referring to when I told God my plan. lol It turned out that my extreme shyness was a reaction to the bullying and once I graduated, it disappeared.

Yeah, I've been shy the first half of my life too, bc of bullying which led to low self esteem. It became a little better once I started working, but it didn't disappear. I'd say that happened when my life (as I had known it) fell apart. There really isn't any room for shyness anymore when you have to start advocating for yourself and fight for your life.

 

[Jennifer]

If only the school would have had its own indoor pool. ... (I don't know about any school who has).
We did have our own gym, which some schools also don't have.
I remember during Spring/Summer when it was warm outside, that the public pool used to have the roof open so it felt as if you were swimming outside.

Your public pools are enclosed/indoors? Ours aren’t so they’re closed most of the year. I wish we had some that were. I could have used them when I fractured. I ended up joining the YMCA just so I could use their pool for therapy.

Yeah, I've been shy the first half of my life too, bc of bullying which led to low self esteem. It became a little better once I started working, but it didn't disappear. I'd say that happened when my life (as I had known it) fell apart. There really isn't any room for shyness anymore when you have to start advocating for yourself and fight for your life.

So true. I may have lost the shyness, but I was still in the habit of biting my tongue prior to breaking my back and subsequently, my filter. I became more vocal and assertive advocating for myself, not that it did much good in a dysfunctional system.

 

[Dutchie]

Your public pools are enclosed/indoors? Ours aren’t so they’re closed most of the year. I wish we had some that were. I could have used them when I fractured. I ended up joining the YMCA just so I could use their pool for therapy

It was an older swimming pool, which had the main (competition) pool and a smaller 'beginners' pool, where you typically began swimming lessons (mainly parents with toddlers in there). That pool also had warmer water and more chlorine than the main competition pool.
Later on, the newer subtropical swimming pools/parks around, typically also had at least one pool or part of a pool outside., but yeah , swimming pools are mostly indoors.
Maybe it stemmed from our weather conditions ....I don't know.

I became more vocal and assertive advocating for myself, not that it did much good in a dysfunctional system.

Yep, in the beginning when I started to advocate for myself, I've had it end up in a fair share of fights with many doctors/authorities.

 

[Jennifer]

Later on, the newer subtropical swimming pools/parks around, typically also had at least one pool or part of a pool outside., but yeah , swimming pools are mostly indoors.
Maybe it stemmed from our weather conditions ....I don't know.

I just did a search for subtropical pools in the Netherlands and saw this really cool, abandoned one that looks like the inside of the mothership:

An abandoned tropical swimming pool in the Netherlands

View on Google Maps Pool Tropicana used to be a big attraction in the city of Rotterdam in the Netherlands until 2010 when the tropica...

desertedplaces.blogspot.com

Yep, in the beginning when I started to advocate for myself, I've had it end up in a fair share of fights with many doctors/authorities.

I didn’t even bother fighting with them. If we didn’t see eye to eye, I just got a new doctor.

 

[Dutchie]

I just did a search for subtropical pools in the Netherlands and saw this really cool, abandoned one that looks like the inside of the mothership:

Yeah, a lot of these subtropical pools have such an aesthetic.
Lol....this makes me think of a movie I once saw a part of with Jennifer Lawrence, where her and a guy were the only ones awake in a massive spaceship. The ship also had a pool, plants and all indoors.

I didn’t even bother fighting with them. If we didn’t see eye to eye, I just got a new doctor.

Lol.....in the beginning I felt I needed to speak up for myself. Obviously,I didn't go back to them either.
The past years, I usually just sit silent,while thinking:....and this is my cue to leave.

 

[Omen]

.

 

[Jennifer]

Yeah, a lot of these subtropical pools have such an aesthetic.
Lol....this makes me think of a movie I once saw a part of with Jennifer Lawrence, where her and a guy were the only ones awake in a massive spaceship. The ship also had a pool, plants and all indoors.

Is that the one with Chris Pratt? Passengers? I haven’t seen it. I think the last sci-fi movie I saw was The Fifth Element when it first came out.

Lol.....in the beginning I felt I needed to speak up for myself. Obviously,I didn't go back to them either.
The past years, I usually just sit silent,while thinking:....and this is my cue to leave.

Yep. Having grown up with a sick mum and accompanying her to her appointments from the time I was teeny tiny, I knew that arguing with doctors was going to be a waste of what little energy I had and really, I have authority over my body so there is no need for me to defend my position. My body is not up for debate.

 

[ThinPicking]

Quite the depiction of swimming in zero gravity hey @Dutchie.

It may be worth a watch even if sci-fi isn't your usual bag Ms @Jennifer. This casual observer reckons the underlying point is quite similar to The Firth Element. Easily dismissed or distracted from by it's Disney-esque/technicolour frame.

"Travelling forever, never arriving. My only companion a total stranger."

 

[Dutchie]

Is that the one with Chris Pratt? Passengers? I haven’t seen it. I think the last sci-fi movie I saw was The Fifth Element when it first came out.

Yeah, that's the one.
I saw it one evening,years ago, when I was catsitting at my mom's.
I fell asleep, so I don't know how it ended...and me falling asleep isn't good advertisement for the movie.

Yep. Having grown up with a sick mum and accompanying her to her appointments from the time I was teeny tiny, I knew that arguing with doctors was going to be a waste of what little energy I had and really, I have authority over my body so there is no need for me to defend my position. My body is not up for debate.

Smart girl.
I never meant for it to end in an argument. I guess I wanted to be heard and taken seriously/validated thrown it with feelings of stress, being overwhelmed and feelings of being all alone in this and no one I could turn to, especially those who I loved the most. Thankfully as the years passed by, as much as the disillusionment hurt in the beginning, I learned that I need to be there for me and that my validation is the only one I need.

 

[Dutchie]

Quite the depiction of swimming in zero gravity hey @Dutchie.

Yeah, I vaguely remember something happening and the water in the pool floating around because of gravity issues, lol but like I said I fell asleep so I missed part of the movie and its ending

 

[Jennifer]

Quite the depiction of swimming in zero gravity hey @Dutchie.

It may be worth a watch even if sci-fi isn't your usual bag Ms @Jennifer. This casual observer reckons the underlying point is quite similar to The Firth Element. Easily dismissed or distracted from by it's Disney-esque/technicolour frame.

"Travelling forever, never arriving. My only companion a total stranger."

Though, it appears Dutchie wasn’t too impressed with the movie (lol), I’ll see if I can find it on Hulu. I’ve never actually seen any of Jennifer’s movies. I don’t think I’ve seen any of Chris’ either, but he was in one of my favorite shows.

 

[Jennifer]

Smart girl.
I never meant for it to end in an argument. I guess I wanted to be heard and taken seriously/validated thrown it with feelings of stress, being overwhelmed and feelings of being all alone in this and no one I could turn to, especially those who I loved the most. Thankfully as the years passed by, as much as the disillusionment hurt in the beginning, I learned that I need to be there for me and that my validation is the only one I need.

I understand. I doubt most people intend to get into arguments with their doctors. I suspect feeling unheard and really, misunderstood, is a trigger for many, especially when in a vulnerable state, as you pointed out. It certainly was for my mum. Because medical malpractice had changed my life forever, I had long since given up on the belief that doctors would “cure” me—it became more about avoiding any more suffering at the hands of the medical establishment—so I saw our appointments as simply a means to getting testing that required a doctor’s order, at the time. My mum still held out hope that we would finally find that one doctor who could cure us. As far as I was concerned, all we had to do was look in the mirror.

 

[Dutchie]

Ilso I saw our appointments as simply a means to getting testing that required a doctor’s order, at the time. My mum still held out hope that we would finally find that one doctor who could cure us. As far as I was concerned, all we had to do was look in the mirror.

Lol....I even managed to get into an argument, bc doctors and labs simply refused (and laughed at me,but I didn't care about that) to test something I asked for. (rT3 at the time).
So, your mom held out hope for a Grey's Anatomy doctor to appear,huh? well,who wouldn't want a McDreamy to turn up...

 

[Jennifer]

Lol....I even managed to get into an argument, bc doctors and labs simply refused (and laughed at me,but I didn't care about that) to test something I asked for. (rT3 at the time).
So, your mom held out hope for a Grey's Anatomy doctor to appear,huh? well,who wouldn't want a McDreamy to turn up...

Ahh…yes, refusing to run tests. My mum and I were met with that often. That’s one of the reasons why we’ve had so many doctors.

LOL Nah, not McDreamy. Grey all the way. My mum held out hope because understandably, it was hard for her to see me suffering. Having watched her suffer since birth, I understood. Seeing a loved one suffer, well, I don’t have to explain that to you. You know all too well what it’s like.

 

[Dutchie]

LOL Nah, not McDreamy. Grey all the way. My mum held out hope because understandably, it was hard for her to see me suffering. Having watched her suffer since birth, I understood. Seeing a loved one suffer, well, I don’t have to explain that to you. You know all too well what it’s like.

Yeah, I understand. Holding out hope,in this case for a good doctor, I think is a normal response.
Even when you don't believe in the (current) medical system, I think hope lessens the pain of seeing a loved one suffer and feeling powerless to do something about it. Even when deep down you know you're holding out to see a unicorn.

 

[ThinPicking]

Though, it appears Dutchie wasn’t too impressed with the movie (lol), I’ll see if I can find it on Hulu. I’ve never actually seen any of Jennifer’s movies. I don’t think I’ve seen any of Chris’ either, but he was in one of my favorite shows.

I can confirm. Technically, it's an awful film on almost every level . But in a way. It kindda lends to what's there.

 

[Jennifer]

Yeah, I understand. Holding out hope,in this case for a good doctor, I think is a normal response.
Even when you don't believe in the (current) medical system, I think hope lessens the pain of seeing a loved one suffer and feeling powerless to do something about it. Even when deep down you know you're holding out to see a unicorn.

Yes, exactly. Whenever I was going through a rough patch, she would suggest that I find a new doctor, that maybe they would be the one to figure out the source of my suffering, but we knew what the source was and that I was dealing with the consequences and complications of my spine collapsing. There was nothing more to test, nothing more to research, she just felt powerless to help me but as you know, she helped me more than any doctor ever could.

 

[Jennifer]

I can confirm. Technically, it's an awful film on almost every level . But in a way. It kindda lends to what's there.

LOL I read reviews while searching for the movie and some very strong words were used like creepy, stalker and unconscionable, which gave me the impression that the romance in this film falls somewhere between The Notebook and Fatal Attraction.

 

[Dutchie]

Yes, exactly. Whenever I was going through a rough patch, she would suggest that I find a new doctor, that maybe they would be the one to figure out the source of my suffering, but we knew what the source was and that I was dealing with the consequences and complications of my spine collapsing. There was nothing more to test, nothing more to research, she just felt powerless to help me but as you know, she helped me more than any doctor ever could.

I can imagine that for a mother it's probably very painful and frustrating to see your baby suffer, so even though you feel she helped you more than any doctor, it's also understandable she might've felt that she wasn't helping you enough or feeling inadequate.

 

[Jennifer]

I can imagine that for a mother it's probably very painful and frustrating to see your baby suffer, so even though you feel she helped you more than any doctor, it's also understandable she might've felt that she wasn't helping you enough or feeling inadequate.

Yep, it’s understandable. I totally get it. I took care of her since I was a toddler and worried about her like a parent so to watch her die in my arms begging for help but not being able to help her still haunts me. Thankfully, she knew how she helped me, long before she passed away because we communicated and nothing was left unsaid, even the less than positive. There were the tough conversations and at times, I could be a PITA about wanting to talk things out, but nothing was left unsaid. That’s a regret I don’t have to live with.