Nova
Member
- Joined
- Sep 6, 2015
- Messages
- 93
I'm Nova. A 30-ish year old woman on a series of healing quests, an aspiring author, a morning dancer, a lover of sweet funky jams and intense bass, a connoisseur of ramen, and a canine enthusiast. Also a bad speller and somewhat lackadaisical about grammar, so excuse the mess.
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I discovered Ray Peat during a bout of google roulette last summer. At first, I thought RP was nutso or at the very least, one of those whack job obscurists from the alt.health fringe. Eating sugar to cure diabetes? Carbs help you lose weight? Low fat is good?
My whole life has been spent battling against my body. I started putting on weight at a rapid pace during early childhood and never really stopped. I started puberty at 7 and was pretty much through with it by age 12. In my early teens, I began having incredibly painful periods that sometimes lasted 3-4 weeks. I missed a lot of school and didn't have much of a social life during my teens years. Doctors' visits became part of my life and I had plenty of tests performed.
They diagnosed PCOS when I was 16. I began taking birth control pills at that time, to regulate my periods. I had them every month, but at a cost: horrific cramps. I still missed school on regular enough basis that I nearly didn't graduate on time. :-/
Around this time, I did a round of the OG Atkins Diet. My parents were on it and it seemed kinder and gentler than the calorie restriction / endless carrot sticks diets that my doctors recommended for me as a chubby kid. I lost 50lbs and was 220lbs at my high school graduation. That's the lowest weight that I can remember being as young adult/adult.
I moved onto transdermal birth control patches at 19. They were a bit easier on me than the pills, but the cramps and heavy bleeding still made me miserable. After a couple of years, the patches stopped being effective and I started going 4-5 months between cycles. I started gaining weight and generally felt awful most of the time.
I went off of the patch at 22, after having a brief conviction that big pharma was out to kill me. I also became a vegetarian at the time. I ate tons of processed carb-y fried crap and snacks out the ****. I went from 240 to 340lbs in the span of 2 years! At 24, I was absolutely miserable and just barely able to keep up with work. Forget having a social life.
The next 5 years went by in a haze, more or less. I tried juicing after a friend of mine experienced great success with it. I lost 30lbs in ~1 month. I quit that after pretty much dying. No energy, just sleeping whenever I wasn't at work. I tried raw veganism (hard on my wallet and my colon), several detox type-things (latex glove shaped shits, galore), paleo (okay, but I hate berries and nuts), primal (pretty much the same as paleo), IF experiments (mixed results), and plenty of supplements.
During that 5 years times, a lot happened in my personal life. I broke off a relationship that meant the world to me and watched the object of my affections move onto a relationship with someone I despised. I was given temporary custody of two of my nephews and 14 months later, their mother got herself together and got them back. I was devastated over losing them and entered a deep depression that really has only begun to lift the last year or so.
I've also let go of some emotional "dead weight" recently. Toxic familial relationships have been hacked away and now, I sometimes struggle with not picking the "dead weight" back up. I miss my younger sister and really want things to be good between us again, but I can't deal with her drug and alcohol fueled shenanigans. And I won't deal with her ignorant thieving **** husband. But I do miss my baby nephew and I really want to spend time with him, watch him grow up...
PCOS and toxic stress have taken their toll on me. I went the entire 5 years between 25-30 without having cycles. Complete cessation of menstruation. Menopause in my mid to late 20s. I grew a beard and went to have those fancy laser treatments a few years ago because I was tired of shaving. Now the beard is back (although patchy). I have chest hair and stomach hair too. Bacne and chestne? Check. Thinning hair on the top and back of my head? Check. Stinky pits and disgusting feet? Check.
I spent a lot of time hating myself, hating that I wasn't "normal" and never succeeding in my efforts to lose weight, get in shape, whatever. I decided that I wasn't going to hate myself anymore in the spring of 2016. I started making changes to my diet. I eliminated PUFAs as much as possible. I'm far from perfect, but I no longer eat bacon or anything deep fried. Processed foods are far and few between and I only cook with coconut oil or ghee now.
I've lost 59lbs since July 2016. Going from 336lbs to 277lbs is great, right? I mean, I'm jazzed about losing so much weight by eliminating PUFA and walking 2-3 miles/day. BUT earlier this week, I experienced an upset that caused me to think that it was time to seek community aka actually post something on the forum I have lurked on for the last year+.
The upset in question? I have lost 59lbs, but I haven't went down in pants sizes. I tried on several pairs of jeans at the store, but none of them fit. NOT A SINGLE PAIR. Last time I bought pants, I was a size 24. Not exactly something to crow about, but it's the truth.
So I thought that in light of my weight loss, I should be in a size 22 or 20, right? At the very least...NOPE. I got so upset that I pretty much stormed out of the dressing room and let the whole day be ruined by the revelation of not going down in sizes. I'm sure that there are those who can feel my upset. For the first time since I started down the Peat path, I thought about quitting. It's like, ****, are the sacrifices worth it anymore?
I just want so badly to be content with my body. Also I really want to have certain experiences that I missed out when I was younger thanks to my PCOS and prediabetes and being a fatass hambeast. I really want to be able to go anywhere and try on cute clothes. I would like to be able to have a style instead of settling for whatever fits and looks decent and isn't hella expensive. (Plus size clothes are a real money drain.)
It's not just about clothing, fashion, style, etc. It's really a life thing. I feel like I've been dead, more or less, for the last decade or so. I missed out on a lot of things because I was busy looking out for my significant other or my family and not looking out for myself. I didn't ever really think about what I wanted or even needed. It was always just "Do this for X." or "Do that because it's needs to be done."
Now, I feel like it's my turn to live my own life. I know that I won't ever get a "do over". I do think that my life can change though and that I can make better choices. I just can't go getting all worked up over stupid ***t and losing my vision for what I really want out of life.
Ugh, hope this makes sense. It's long and I'm new.
*******************
I discovered Ray Peat during a bout of google roulette last summer. At first, I thought RP was nutso or at the very least, one of those whack job obscurists from the alt.health fringe. Eating sugar to cure diabetes? Carbs help you lose weight? Low fat is good?
My whole life has been spent battling against my body. I started putting on weight at a rapid pace during early childhood and never really stopped. I started puberty at 7 and was pretty much through with it by age 12. In my early teens, I began having incredibly painful periods that sometimes lasted 3-4 weeks. I missed a lot of school and didn't have much of a social life during my teens years. Doctors' visits became part of my life and I had plenty of tests performed.
They diagnosed PCOS when I was 16. I began taking birth control pills at that time, to regulate my periods. I had them every month, but at a cost: horrific cramps. I still missed school on regular enough basis that I nearly didn't graduate on time. :-/
Around this time, I did a round of the OG Atkins Diet. My parents were on it and it seemed kinder and gentler than the calorie restriction / endless carrot sticks diets that my doctors recommended for me as a chubby kid. I lost 50lbs and was 220lbs at my high school graduation. That's the lowest weight that I can remember being as young adult/adult.
I moved onto transdermal birth control patches at 19. They were a bit easier on me than the pills, but the cramps and heavy bleeding still made me miserable. After a couple of years, the patches stopped being effective and I started going 4-5 months between cycles. I started gaining weight and generally felt awful most of the time.
I went off of the patch at 22, after having a brief conviction that big pharma was out to kill me. I also became a vegetarian at the time. I ate tons of processed carb-y fried crap and snacks out the ****. I went from 240 to 340lbs in the span of 2 years! At 24, I was absolutely miserable and just barely able to keep up with work. Forget having a social life.
The next 5 years went by in a haze, more or less. I tried juicing after a friend of mine experienced great success with it. I lost 30lbs in ~1 month. I quit that after pretty much dying. No energy, just sleeping whenever I wasn't at work. I tried raw veganism (hard on my wallet and my colon), several detox type-things (latex glove shaped shits, galore), paleo (okay, but I hate berries and nuts), primal (pretty much the same as paleo), IF experiments (mixed results), and plenty of supplements.
During that 5 years times, a lot happened in my personal life. I broke off a relationship that meant the world to me and watched the object of my affections move onto a relationship with someone I despised. I was given temporary custody of two of my nephews and 14 months later, their mother got herself together and got them back. I was devastated over losing them and entered a deep depression that really has only begun to lift the last year or so.
I've also let go of some emotional "dead weight" recently. Toxic familial relationships have been hacked away and now, I sometimes struggle with not picking the "dead weight" back up. I miss my younger sister and really want things to be good between us again, but I can't deal with her drug and alcohol fueled shenanigans. And I won't deal with her ignorant thieving **** husband. But I do miss my baby nephew and I really want to spend time with him, watch him grow up...
PCOS and toxic stress have taken their toll on me. I went the entire 5 years between 25-30 without having cycles. Complete cessation of menstruation. Menopause in my mid to late 20s. I grew a beard and went to have those fancy laser treatments a few years ago because I was tired of shaving. Now the beard is back (although patchy). I have chest hair and stomach hair too. Bacne and chestne? Check. Thinning hair on the top and back of my head? Check. Stinky pits and disgusting feet? Check.
I spent a lot of time hating myself, hating that I wasn't "normal" and never succeeding in my efforts to lose weight, get in shape, whatever. I decided that I wasn't going to hate myself anymore in the spring of 2016. I started making changes to my diet. I eliminated PUFAs as much as possible. I'm far from perfect, but I no longer eat bacon or anything deep fried. Processed foods are far and few between and I only cook with coconut oil or ghee now.
I've lost 59lbs since July 2016. Going from 336lbs to 277lbs is great, right? I mean, I'm jazzed about losing so much weight by eliminating PUFA and walking 2-3 miles/day. BUT earlier this week, I experienced an upset that caused me to think that it was time to seek community aka actually post something on the forum I have lurked on for the last year+.
The upset in question? I have lost 59lbs, but I haven't went down in pants sizes. I tried on several pairs of jeans at the store, but none of them fit. NOT A SINGLE PAIR. Last time I bought pants, I was a size 24. Not exactly something to crow about, but it's the truth.
So I thought that in light of my weight loss, I should be in a size 22 or 20, right? At the very least...NOPE. I got so upset that I pretty much stormed out of the dressing room and let the whole day be ruined by the revelation of not going down in sizes. I'm sure that there are those who can feel my upset. For the first time since I started down the Peat path, I thought about quitting. It's like, ****, are the sacrifices worth it anymore?
I just want so badly to be content with my body. Also I really want to have certain experiences that I missed out when I was younger thanks to my PCOS and prediabetes and being a fatass hambeast. I really want to be able to go anywhere and try on cute clothes. I would like to be able to have a style instead of settling for whatever fits and looks decent and isn't hella expensive. (Plus size clothes are a real money drain.)
It's not just about clothing, fashion, style, etc. It's really a life thing. I feel like I've been dead, more or less, for the last decade or so. I missed out on a lot of things because I was busy looking out for my significant other or my family and not looking out for myself. I didn't ever really think about what I wanted or even needed. It was always just "Do this for X." or "Do that because it's needs to be done."
Now, I feel like it's my turn to live my own life. I know that I won't ever get a "do over". I do think that my life can change though and that I can make better choices. I just can't go getting all worked up over stupid ***t and losing my vision for what I really want out of life.
Ugh, hope this makes sense. It's long and I'm new.