redsun
Member
- Joined
- Dec 17, 2018
- Messages
- 3,013
Hello all,
last three years I spent aroun 1-2h a day meditating at the same time staying in strict celibacy. My health improved a ton, I enjoyed such lifestyle and thought it's all roses and butterflies until one evening enormous amount of energy generated in my body and acted as some sort of electro shock to my psyche and body.
That happened on December and since then I've been living in a hell. I've been hospitalized in mental ward because I was averaging 1-2h of sleep at night for full month and my body went into katatonic mode. Felt like my nerves were "locking up". There I've been diagnosed as severely depressed and fed a lot of Ssri's, benzos and even antipsychotics. I quit most medications as I was barely alive from them but still on single pill of Ssri. Needless to say things did not improve at all and I've been living corpse with lots of torturing symptoms.
* I guess it's severe depression. I feel suicidal half of the day regardless of what I do. Take a walk, speak with my mother or occasionally meet friend. No pleasure ever just feeling horrible. At worst it often feels as I am breathing in toxins or chemicals.
*Major cognitive impairment that is quite similar to early onset of dementia. Vocabulary and short term memory vanished. It seems I also "lost thinking". Nothing creative, humorous or logical comes up in my head. It is usually some nonsense spinning all the time. When I have conversations they are really dry and not flow or liveness there. Often times it's one liners.
*This one is going to be difficult to explain but it's almost like I can't keep up with external view. Like all surroundings and what I see lags a micro second behind which makes it difficult to be on point. I am always confused and awkward when I need to respond by doing something (picking x or navigating my way in a more crowded areas for example).
*Energy issues. I never know when wave of fatigue hits me and I will need to lie in bed to catch breathing. Able to walk about 12km on a good day but not fit to work anymore.
*Insomnia.
*Overreactive nervous system. I never feel relaxed or at ease. Constantly on guard.
*Changes in personality for worse. I've became timid, withdrawn selfish, lazy, irritable, not caring. Wasn't exactly Mother Terresa prior but this new version of me is something like 30 years old booze addict living with his parents.
We did MRI scan because I thought it looks really brain injury alike but scan was fine.
I used to follow Peat sort of intuitively, especially when my health improved but currently my appetite is really low. I don't digest food as fast as I used to and not craving sweet/sugar like before.
Guys, this situation looks really hopeless but perhaps I can at least fix part where joy and energy comes back? This is really unbearable state to be living in and I don't know where to start if it's even healable.
If anybody could point some directions that would be great.
Thank you for reading
First off, I hope you have become self aware of the reason why you are in this mess. Save yourself from ever experimenting with the spiritual woo woo ever again if you learn anything at all from this experience. Celibacy, meditation, literal nonsense. I used to be that guy. Meditation isnt necessarily bad except raising GABA too much by being too calm and relaxed because of meditation turns you into a vegetable. GABA basically reduces every other neurotransmitter in the body, good and bad.
Your spiritual endeavors, despite temporarily improving your quality of life(I experienced the same improvement) lead you to denying your unconscious mind. Call it you shadow, your animal mind, lizard brain etc. Denial of the self through celibacy is one of the strongest and worst things you can do to yourself. This is stupidity #1(not criticizing, but emphasizing). Meditation is okay but depending on how its done can leave you a vegetable. God only knows what you have done but to put it simply...
Likely based on your symptoms, dopamine deficiency, possibly general catecholamine deficiency. Issues with time passing are also dopamine related. Dopamine speeds up the internal clock, causing everything to happen faster. I cant exactly explain that specific symptom but dopamine likely plays a part. Vital for brain function, drive, energy, social interaction(dry conversation is a big red flag), etc. Research yourself for more on it.
General advice that will actually work is you need to make a 180 turn around. Likely as those three years went on you became more ungrounded(denial of the physical, the self, one's desire) and "spiritual". You likely changed your behavior, thought processes, personality big time basing around whatever spirituality you were into. As time goes on when doing things like this that is a natural consequence.
You need to ground yourself. You need to become one with the physical. All those desires you shunned you need to pull them back in. All this spirituality bull**** needs to be shoved away in favor of the material world. All it does is disconnect you even though it is advertised as doing the opposite. Eat, sleep, have fun, have sex. Weightlifting is also helpful, one of the most physically grounding things you can do. Have a drive that exists in the real world. Dream job, dream home, dream life(real life, not spiritual). Live for the sake of it, enjoy life do not deny it. Become unapologetically free of religious/spiritual rules of behavior, thought, impure thoughts etc.
Im not saying live life with no rules. Problem is you tipped the scales of your psyche too far into the abstract/spiritual/religious/inhibition crap and you need to tip it the other way. Debauchery is likely the key. Only after that can you seek balance. You lack joy and energy because you have lost a drive for living as a consequence of your choices. Now there are also nutritional things you can do to help with anhedonia(lack of pleasure) and energy.
Look into supplementing L-Tyrosine, B6(P5P, active B6), Vitamin C, other catecholamine cofactors to help you help yourself so you can start living again. Meditation is big no-no at least for now. Listen to exciting music instead. Get hobbies, do things you enjoy, even if they are "shallow" or materialistic in nature. I hope for you to recover from this. Life without joy or pleasure is no life at all.