Hello all,
last three years I spent aroun 1-2h a day meditating at the same time staying in strict celibacy. My health improved a ton, I enjoyed such lifestyle and thought it's all roses and butterflies until one evening enormous amount of energy generated in my body and acted as some sort of electro shock to my psyche and body.
That happened on December and since then I've been living in a hell. I've been hospitalized in mental ward because I was averaging 1-2h of sleep at night for full month and my body went into katatonic mode. Felt like my nerves were "locking up". There I've been diagnosed as severely depressed and fed a lot of Ssri's, benzos and even antipsychotics. I quit most medications as I was barely alive from them but still on single pill of Ssri. Needless to say things did not improve at all and I've been living corpse with lots of torturing symptoms.
* I guess it's severe depression. I feel suicidal half of the day regardless of what I do. Take a walk, speak with my mother or occasionally meet friend. No pleasure ever just feeling horrible. At worst it often feels as I am breathing in toxins or chemicals.
*Major cognitive impairment that is quite similar to early onset of dementia. Vocabulary and short term memory vanished. It seems I also "lost thinking". Nothing creative, humorous or logical comes up in my head. It is usually some nonsense spinning all the time. When I have conversations they are really dry and not flow or liveness there. Often times it's one liners.
*This one is going to be difficult to explain but it's almost like I can't keep up with external view. Like all surroundings and what I see lags a micro second behind which makes it difficult to be on point. I am always confused and awkward when I need to respond by doing something (picking x or navigating my way in a more crowded areas for example).
*Energy issues. I never know when wave of fatigue hits me and I will need to lie in bed to catch breathing. Able to walk about 12km on a good day but not fit to work anymore.
*Insomnia.
*Overreactive nervous system. I never feel relaxed or at ease. Constantly on guard.
*Changes in personality for worse. I've became timid, withdrawn selfish, lazy, irritable, not caring. Wasn't exactly Mother Terresa prior but this new version of me is something like 30 years old booze addict living with his parents.
We did MRI scan because I thought it looks really brain injury alike but scan was fine.
I used to follow Peat sort of intuitively, especially when my health improved but currently my appetite is really low. I don't digest food as fast as I used to and not craving sweet/sugar like before.
Guys, this situation looks really hopeless but perhaps I can at least fix part where joy and energy comes back? This is really unbearable state to be living in and I don't know where to start if it's even healable.
If anybody could point some directions that would be great.
Thank you for reading
last three years I spent aroun 1-2h a day meditating at the same time staying in strict celibacy. My health improved a ton, I enjoyed such lifestyle and thought it's all roses and butterflies until one evening enormous amount of energy generated in my body and acted as some sort of electro shock to my psyche and body.
That happened on December and since then I've been living in a hell. I've been hospitalized in mental ward because I was averaging 1-2h of sleep at night for full month and my body went into katatonic mode. Felt like my nerves were "locking up". There I've been diagnosed as severely depressed and fed a lot of Ssri's, benzos and even antipsychotics. I quit most medications as I was barely alive from them but still on single pill of Ssri. Needless to say things did not improve at all and I've been living corpse with lots of torturing symptoms.
* I guess it's severe depression. I feel suicidal half of the day regardless of what I do. Take a walk, speak with my mother or occasionally meet friend. No pleasure ever just feeling horrible. At worst it often feels as I am breathing in toxins or chemicals.
*Major cognitive impairment that is quite similar to early onset of dementia. Vocabulary and short term memory vanished. It seems I also "lost thinking". Nothing creative, humorous or logical comes up in my head. It is usually some nonsense spinning all the time. When I have conversations they are really dry and not flow or liveness there. Often times it's one liners.
*This one is going to be difficult to explain but it's almost like I can't keep up with external view. Like all surroundings and what I see lags a micro second behind which makes it difficult to be on point. I am always confused and awkward when I need to respond by doing something (picking x or navigating my way in a more crowded areas for example).
*Energy issues. I never know when wave of fatigue hits me and I will need to lie in bed to catch breathing. Able to walk about 12km on a good day but not fit to work anymore.
*Insomnia.
*Overreactive nervous system. I never feel relaxed or at ease. Constantly on guard.
*Changes in personality for worse. I've became timid, withdrawn selfish, lazy, irritable, not caring. Wasn't exactly Mother Terresa prior but this new version of me is something like 30 years old booze addict living with his parents.
We did MRI scan because I thought it looks really brain injury alike but scan was fine.
I used to follow Peat sort of intuitively, especially when my health improved but currently my appetite is really low. I don't digest food as fast as I used to and not craving sweet/sugar like before.
Guys, this situation looks really hopeless but perhaps I can at least fix part where joy and energy comes back? This is really unbearable state to be living in and I don't know where to start if it's even healable.
If anybody could point some directions that would be great.
Thank you for reading