animalcule
Member
- Joined
- Oct 22, 2019
- Messages
- 361
Ever since I was 18, I noticed my cognitive abilities begin to fade, little by little. I was never a genius, but I was a straight A student in one of those advanced tracks, and I scored highly on my SATs (not great measures of intelligence, sure, but the point is I wasn't as stupid as I am now). First it was my memory, it just didn't seem as sharp. I began to struggle in college math classes, but I figured, "I'm no math whiz, maybe I've just hit my limit." Then my ability to learn even the basics of new languages, which I used to be pretty good at, completely evaporated - I couldn't get anything to stick in my brain. This was when I was 21. I chalked it up to depression (depressed since childhood) and anxiety (always anxious, but it really took off in college). Years went by, during which time I lived in a state of near-perpetual high-stress due to job insecurity, toxic living environment (possible CPTSD), and frayed ability to establish and maintain social contacts. Learned helplessness took over, and I found communicating with people in person (always a struggle, but at least I had a running dialogue in my head, even if I was too anxious to verbalize it) became nearly impossible. I noticed that I had lost the internal dialogue - nothing there. I started getting migraines, and even now, with no migraine presently, I still feel as though I'm walking around with a brick in my head, preventing me from thinking any thoughts at all. I used to journal and write stories - I can't do that anymore -- no energy, creative impulse, or ability to concentrate. I used to have a larger vocabulary that I could draw from easily - now I struggle to come up with any good words to describe anything. The decline in the quality of my thoughts, vocabulary, and writing ability from when I was a teenager to now is shocking and dismaying.
People I work with think I am stupid. I can see it in their eyes, and in the fact that no one ever gives me any jobs with any responsibility (my last employer gave me paper to shred when I asked for additional assignments). I do have such high anxiety that sometimes, when I asked to do simple things, I come off as spastic or dumb because it appears to take an unusual amount of effort or concentration to do simmple things (things that, when alone, wouldn't take any effort at all). The effect of many years of this has been complete demoralization. Worse: I now have to admit that they are right -- whatever I may have been before, I am not now. I am dumb and dull and usually listless. I zone out whenever people talk because I cannot follow what they are saying. I can't even listen to podcasts anymore because I can't follow the conversation, like I used to. If someone writes me a message more than a few sentences, I often struggle to read and comprehend it.
The mental decline accelerated after I quit the carnivore diet, though this may just be coincidence, as it coincided with another high stress time in my life. I just feel way ... fuzzier than before. The past couple of years I feel like I've sort of lost my mind and my sense of self, hard to describe. I don't feel like myself. I've lost something. And I'm definitely dumber. Basic logic problems are almost impossible for me to solve. Each year the brick in my head seems to grow.
Anyone with a similar experience? Anyone ever come back from this?
People I work with think I am stupid. I can see it in their eyes, and in the fact that no one ever gives me any jobs with any responsibility (my last employer gave me paper to shred when I asked for additional assignments). I do have such high anxiety that sometimes, when I asked to do simple things, I come off as spastic or dumb because it appears to take an unusual amount of effort or concentration to do simmple things (things that, when alone, wouldn't take any effort at all). The effect of many years of this has been complete demoralization. Worse: I now have to admit that they are right -- whatever I may have been before, I am not now. I am dumb and dull and usually listless. I zone out whenever people talk because I cannot follow what they are saying. I can't even listen to podcasts anymore because I can't follow the conversation, like I used to. If someone writes me a message more than a few sentences, I often struggle to read and comprehend it.
The mental decline accelerated after I quit the carnivore diet, though this may just be coincidence, as it coincided with another high stress time in my life. I just feel way ... fuzzier than before. The past couple of years I feel like I've sort of lost my mind and my sense of self, hard to describe. I don't feel like myself. I've lost something. And I'm definitely dumber. Basic logic problems are almost impossible for me to solve. Each year the brick in my head seems to grow.
Anyone with a similar experience? Anyone ever come back from this?