Tarmander
Member
- Joined
- Apr 30, 2015
- Messages
- 3,775
Hi all,
This is Strong Mom’s husband/partner of over 20 years. I ran into this thread as I was trying to understand and explore my wife’s search for solutions to her never ending medical problems. It took me nearly six hours in the middle of the night to read and digest everything mentioned here with lots of tears in my eyes. As I was planning to write this response, one of our boys woke up frightened and asked to sleep next to me. I had to put my computer aside and do my fatherly duties.
Let me begin by saying that this isn’t the right place to discuss any family matters but I felt so offended after reading, I had to share. Additionally I want everyone to use caution and good judgement in recommending supplements, treatments, hormones or playing the marriage counselor role. My wife has over two dozen different medication/supplements/hormone bottles next to her bed and I am very concerned about her health. Just in this thread she mentioned ordering two different supplements and the light therapy.
A little about me
I have been a marketing professional all my life with a lifelong struggle with ADD and memory problems. I have a high IQ and it helped me survive this long in the corporate world but as I became more and more senior in my job, these issues became hard to manage. I was fired (more than once) and decided that creating my own career path was the only solution that will give me professional happiness. I started a restaurant business and I have been working hard to make it a successful one. There are many reasons for why I did that but let’s stay focused here. I have a never ending love for my wife and children, and I have not even once considered leaving them even in our toughest times while I was yelled at, humiliated and verbally abused. These things are a daily part of my life with my wife but I have hope that we will find a solution one day. I have lots of stress in my life as well but that is life and I accept it.
About my wife
Starting with her IVF treatment and pregnancy, my wife has become more and more emotional initially and, angry and intolerant later on. I don’t remember a straight three days where she hasn’t yelled at or insulted me, or upset a friend/family. We lost most of our friendships, and our families either are not allowed in our home or choose not to come to us in order not to create a family discomfort. I am loved by my parents and I have a very good relationship with them but they live too far (a full day of plane ride away) and I cannot visit them or they cannot visit us when they want to. My wife won’t allow it and I shut up in order not to add more to her stress.
I know that my career choice added lots of extra stress for her. I am surrounded with food all the time and my weekends usually have some kind of commitment. Having said that I chose to stay out of the day to day operation in an effort to free time for my family and also explore other business opportunities that can be more supportive for my family life.
I am not an expert and do not feel competent enough to share medical opinions but I have been told by so many people (one of whom is a psychiatrist) that my wife is suffering from a number of challenging medical conditions including Asperger syndrome. I can’t be certain but also I have not been able to convince her to seek medical attention. She just won’t do it. She says it doesn’t help, she doesn’t have time for it and perhaps she is afraid that things will now be officially recorded. I want the best for her and seeking medical treatment is one additional thing she can do for herself. She is actually quite worried about some of the things that she is doing for herself and the kids that she doesn’t allow me to share the supplements/hormones she gives to our kids with our pediatrician and the variety of specialist physicians that we visit for our kids conditions. It is complicated and I try very hard to stay quiet in those appointments but I also think that we may be hurting our children. I am worried that giving them a hormone supplement will slow down their natural hormone production but I can’t share any of this with the medical professionals out of respect for my wife’s choices.
My wife lost her respect and love for me. I know deep down she loves me but a whole host of abuses (verbal currently and physical in the past) have made my life so miserable for me but I hung on and tried to stay strong. I have been living a life where I hide what is going on in my domestic life from everybody because I am embarrassed. I also think that a relationship and marriage this deep deserves perseverance and commitment. I will be with her and support her till the day she looks at my face, says and means “I don’t love you, get out of my life”. I hope that day never comes but I can not make her love me if this becomes her choice. In summary nobody knows what I am going through in life and I am losing my health while all of this happens as well.
Someone here asked if I have any interest in health. Yes, absolutely but I also find it incredibly difficult to stay away from some foods that are the only comforts in my life. Having said that I don’t eat fried food (very rarely I give in and try a falafel or something), I try to stay away from vegetable oils (unless I have no control over a meal ingredient), i find it extremely challenging to stay away from bread (my go to comfort food), I find it very hard to stay away from nuts and legumes. My lifestyle is a challenge but I am not unaware. I am willing to team up with my wife very closely but she will not forgive the tiniest slip on the way and start treating me very badly. I find it very hard to collaborate with her.
My advice for my wife (@StressedMom @StrongMom):
I feel for you. I see you losing hope. Don’t stop. Try harder. I will be here to support you even though you may not feel so. Also do the following:
1- Instead of spending 2 hours every night reading or writing on forums, try spending some of that time with me and share things with the person closest to you. I am proud of your accomplishments in life and I will be here to support you
2- Stop taking countless supplements and hormones, give your body a break
3- Stop giving the hormones and supplements to the kids or at least involve health professionals into your decisions (you are effecting their natural ability to produce hormones and perhaps causing them other long term problems such as cardiac issues)
4- Stop yelling at me at least when around your children (I blame your aggressive behavior and extreme discipline tactics for some of our boys health issues - one of our boys is losing hair in a big way, developed lots of behavioral problems and has turned into a skinny malnutritioned person)
5- Seek therapy ( you think you are smarter than anyone else but it will give you more tools to fight your battles)
6- Go to couples therapy with me (we may pick up a few things to help us)
7- After all this, if the only reason that you are staying married to me is because you can’t handle the responsibility and care of two children yourself, stop. With all my heart I love you but I can’t make you love me back and I will be very happy to take full responsibility of our children.
8- I like the fact that you changed your screen name from 'stressed mom' to 'strong mom'. A positive step in the right direction.
I have a few things to say to other forum contributors:
@Ella
Stop passing judgement about me. I don’t know about your personal history with your partner/husband/ex whatever but I have been with my wife for 20 years and you don’t know me. You also don’t know my wife and her extremely sensitive and undiagnosed situation. You are way out of line by giving her financial or marriage counseling advice. I am not a bad person, I am not a bad husband and I am definitely not a bad father. I am struggling to make my entrepreneurial efforts to become something that I can be proud one day. If I had an option, I would have stayed a salaried professional but I was fired primarily because of my ADD and I decided to create my own career path in life. Your gardening related recommendation was helpful. We have a nice vegetable garden in our backyard but I haven’t seen my wife have any time to play there since our kids were born.
@Peaterpeater
Thank you for your motivational words and bringing up “forgiveness”. I have always found it to be an area that my wife could do better.
@Xisca
Thank you for your recommendation to seek help with a third person. I am the one who wants it. I hope my wife will join me in this.
@chrismeyers
Thank you for your suggestion to get rid of all supplements, hormones etc. We should at least involve some healthcare professionals in these matters.
@Waynish
Thank you for your finding a local practitioner suggestion.
@A. squamosa
Thank you for your reminder that this forum should not be a place to put your (or your children’s) health in strangers’ hands. My wife is smart. I have confidence that she takes everything with a grain of salt and does additional research yet she still experiments quite a bit, which makes me worried. And you are right that my wife is obsessive about diets. She has always been.
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO THINK I SHOULD NOT HAVE POSTED THESE HERE
I am incredibly offended and I don’t deserve people’s humiliations. I can not share these with anyone else so in a way this was a useful place. Also my wife would completely ignore and not listen to me otherwise. So I am writing this publicly to see if this can be a way for me to get to my wife. May be this will be a start and I have hope.
With love...
Wow, go to therapy with this guy. House sounds like an emotional vortex. There is really nothing to lose by talking with a therapist as long as you don't start downing the SSRIs.