Runenights Musings

[GreekDemiGod]

Does life brings you happiness? Do you have something you live for?

 

[Runenight201]

Does life brings you happiness? Do you have something you live for?

I’ve had enough surreal life affirming experiences to conclude that life is worth living, yearning, and suffering for.

I’m always confused whether I should seek out saints or become a saint myself. Surely the best of human beings is strong enough to be the independent variable around the multitude of causal factors. But how much easier it would be if I were surrounded by good people, as opposed to being the average person attempting to be good among fallen individuals.

I think I am fixed upon a course of goodness, and that ultimately I shall be saved, should I keep myself oriented correctly. I hope that everyone else ultimately will be as well :)

 

[Runenight201]

Got in another writing mood. Seems like wine and music always make me more expressive. I can be laying around in apathy and just a little shift with these inputs are enough to emerge meaning into my being. I’ve been attempting to be more active in my every day living. Certainly in the cliche “exercising” more, but also in the increased engagement with more places and people. Each engagement seems to teach me a little bit more about my own self and how I can create an existence that is good. A passive existence subsisting on mild entertainment from the various digital social channels available doesn’t cut it. I desire real interactions with real individuals in a palpable environment. Today was a step forward in that direction, and as I do explore further, the opportunities for more present themselves.

I’ve been keen on the idea of the entourage effect. Originally connected with the cumulative effect that the distinct effects differing strains of cannabis have due to their varying cannabinoid profiles, I can now see how it can be extended to include the distinct conscious experiences the sum totality of food, drink, people, place, and ideas can have. Careful attention to such inputs can create an absolute blissful existence filled with beauty and goodness, while disregard and foolishness to such things will land me in varying degrees of suffering and strife.

I’m falling asleep hopeful to a meaningful and good day tomorrow, in pursuit of growth and fellowship.

 

[Runenight201]

Found this lovely song while watching a man steal money from a McDonald's cash register in reverse. Inspiration can be found anywhere and everywhere. I disagree a little bit when the general claim is made about how the internet has ruined our lives. There is certainly a lot of negativity and empty ideologies that are promoted, but it has expanded my realm of experiences to include quite some beautiful content. The technology is shaped and filtered to surround whatever it is we desire. I stay subscribed on reddit to subs like r/wholesomememes, r/humansbeingbros, r/funny, etc.... so that the algorithm swings some positivity in every day, and avoid emotionally turbulent subs like r/anythingmainstreampolitical

It's sometimes difficult to discuss certain things with people on reddit. I try and craft my language to be non-confrontational, and perhaps I could be much better about it, but the tone I'm met with is...angry, charged, ugly. There was an effect I read about how even though I'm anonymous on the internet, whenever someone responds to me, I interpret and perceive it as a direct emotional interaction with my real self. I would definitely agree to this. Posts and comments I make I tend to frequently check, desperate for some feedback and interaction. A lot of times I'm very hesitant to post about anything with differing opinions, because well, I guess I don't go far enough to "prove" whatever it is I'm attempting to say, and I don't really have a lot of desire to follow arguments that are at times infinitely long to research and follow along with. But perhaps this just means that I don't truly care much for whatever it is that is being discussed.

What is consistent, and doesn't seem to ever fade, is my love of music, people, and life. Yesterday I subsisted on wine all day and sat in a park on a beautiful sunny day with a friend and just people-watched. There was a plethora of information being transmitted all over the place, and I just basked in the sunlight while observing it all. A 14 year old child was making demands on his parents, and it was clear that the parents had lost their role as the ultimate authority in the relationship. The father remained silent throughout the whole ordeal. A thin man, dressed in robes, approached us soliciting money for spiritual books. He was very quick with his words, and I could tell he knew how to engage with new groups of people. He claimed he was part of a monastery. I made it evidently clear that I was in no mood to interact with him, as I turned my face away from him and became intensely interested in the grass I was playing with. My friend wasn't as smart, and jovially made contact with him and initiated conversation. It didn't take longer than 2 minutes before he had bought $20 worth of some spiritual Buddhist ideas that I guarantee he'll never read. I told my friend that if he read all 4 books and made a report to me I'd give him $100 dollars. There was a Nigerian dance event with a group of people liberating themselves to the music. There was no real crowd, and so when my friend and I showed up, one of the men took it upon himself to give us a direct show. He was very good at dancing, but he made me uncomfortable. He was attempting to form a bond by making eye contact and smiling at us continuously throughout his performance. I guess I was too reserved, as I wasn't so willing. As the day was ending, a friendly guy approached us and asked if we wanted to jump in a soccer game. I was wearing moccasins but decided to give it a go. It was a jovial crowd, and no one was playing overtly competitively, which are the type of games I like to participate in. The crowd consisted of a bunch of French friends who had decided to play soccer every Saturday evening. One of the guys was adamant on introducing all of us to his wife, and seemed quite nervous to make a good impression for her. She coincidentally went to the same university as my friend, separated by about 4 years. She had met the husband in the year she spent as an Au Pair in France. I became infatuated with one of the players there, but I never spoke a word to her. I lacked strength and courage in my body. The wine was lovely, but for that type of strength I needed better nourishment. I'm surprised I was able to play soccer at all, for I was getting quite dizzy from the demands exercise placed on my body. One of the guys in jest mocked me as moccasin boy, but then immediately apologized and asked if he had offended me. I could see why perhaps he did that. I was a bit older than him in age, yet I don't exactly have the most masculine features. In any case I didn't think anything of it and told him he was fine. Looking back on it, I wish I had better wit to send a quick retort back on how a boy in moccasins would leave him in my trails! Too much wine and not enough food and water... 2 boys aged 8-9 approached me asking if they could jump in the game. They were so innocently naïve. I told them that they would get their bones broken in half if they played with us (there was a man who must have been 220+ pounds!) They went off on how strong and fast they were, showing me their speed with running sprints and doing push ups. The mom and dad eventually came and grabbed them, apologizing for their youth. I enjoyed every minute of their interaction, and told the parents that they should find some boys their age to play with. The mother made an interesting comment, in which she pointed out which child was hers. The other child looked similar to the dad, but distinct from the mom. I can only imagine that this was a second (marriage? serious relationship? parental bond?) for both of them.

There was something about this day that restored a lot of life in me. It helped shift my being into desiring more beneficial interactions. I had formed an awful habit of drinking too much wine and smoking too much tobacco, seeking warmth and comfort. But the abuse of these things do not truly bring me warmth and comfort. The quickest way to end a habit is to replace it with a better one. We all seek warmth and comfort, but we differ on where we obtain them. Ironically, my desires reset while I was under the influence of one of my vices. By the end of the soccer game, my body was screaming for water and food, yet all I had was wine. The wine never looked so unappealing in my entire life. I shall give the wine a break, and then when the moment is right fall back into that lovely drunken state again, perhaps at the park, perhaps with some friends, perhaps in love.

 

[Runenight201]

Great new discovery today. I’ve always felt good from coffee, milk, and sugar, but I’ve always brewed the coffee and then poured the milk and sugar in afterwards. In what I believe to be a superior method, I have instead brewed the coffee directly with the milk, with some sweet chocolate sticks, and the result was magical. A sweet delicacy with very little drawbacks. All the caffeinated stimulation, with the pleasant warmth and nourishment of cocoa milk, toppled with the ecstasy of sucrose.

My only regret is that I made one cup! I may need a whole half gallon to get me through this cold weather tomorrow....

 

[Runenight201]

Merry Christmas?

I recall this holiday being filled with so much excitement, joy, warmth, and pleasure, yet I woke up this morning with none. How could I partake in such festivities when my everyday existence is one of a striving from my own personal suffering? How easy it is for my family to interact with one another, relishing and finding pleasure in the minute, trivial interactions of movies, preferences, jokes, and conversation. Yet there’s a block in me, as if my cold, hollow interior could feel no joy from such interactions.

Am I at fault? Have I grown too different from my family to relate anymore? Or have I become to cold and hollow to feel joy anymore? Have I turned to false worship, seeing food and drugs as the only means to my reprieve, when the connectedness of human beings could be even more powerful?

I recall when I was younger I could drink myself to ignorant bliss with no problems, and I’d relish in the simple joy of the liberation from anxiety in my drunken joy. As the years went on, and I felt how damaged and degenerative my body’s become, the body would send me a multitude of signals that prevented me from entering such pleasurable states of drunken ecstasy. Well, somehow I’ve managed to put the pieces together well enough today to experience that drunken joy once more, and as I feel the euphoria, buzz, and warmth, I wish everyone well being. Even through the immense doom I’ve experienced, I strive for myself and each one of us the warm blooming fields of health and prosperity.

 

[dukesbobby777]

Merry Christmas?

I recall this holiday being filled with so much excitement, joy, warmth, and pleasure, yet I woke up this morning with none. How could I partake in such festivities when my everyday existence is one of a striving from my own personal suffering? How easy it is for my family to interact with one another, relishing and finding pleasure in the minute, trivial interactions of movies, preferences, jokes, and conversation. Yet there’s a block in me, as if my cold, hollow interior could feel no joy from such interactions.

Am I at fault? Have I grown too different from my family to relate anymore? Or have I become to cold and hollow to feel joy anymore? Have I turned to false worship, seeing food and drugs as the only means to my reprieve, when the connectedness of human beings could be even more powerful?

I recall when I was younger I could drink myself to ignorant bliss with no problems, and I’d relish in the simple joy of the liberation from anxiety in my drunken joy. As the years went on, and I felt how damaged and degenerative my body’s become, the body would send me a multitude of signals that prevented me from entering such pleasurable states of drunken ecstasy. Well, somehow I’ve managed to put the pieces together well enough today to experience that drunken joy once more, and as I feel the euphoria, buzz, and warmth, I wish everyone well being. Even through the immense doom I’ve experienced, I strive for myself and each one of us the warm blooming fields of health and prosperity.

I was about to say just have a few drinks, but sounds like you already have. It’s the only thing that has gotten me through today. I’ll probably feel on the rougher side of things tomorrow, but oh well.

 

[Runenight201]

It's been so long since I've written.

If I were to guess why, it's because I'm hesitant to write when I am unsure of my own beliefs and where I am. When I am more rooted in certainty of myself I feel more confident and expressive in letting thoughts flow into the world as truth.

I'm in the midst of re-orienting my beliefs of what makes solid nourishment. It's crystal clear to me how my being changes as a result of the foods I ingest, and the quality, type, preparation, and integration all can drastically change my well-being.

I had lost the desire and inspiration to discover the truth that is in the foods I consume, and I noticed I slowly became lazier and lazier in accepting whatever nourishment choices I could find. Such a dissipation of responsibility I believe was leading me to a decline rather than a growth. Rather than attempting to build comraderie and positivity, I found myself more wanting to be antagonistic and isolated.

I've noticed that alcohol hands down is almost an instant grounding substance. For whatever reason, my gut/body is stuck in what seems like an anxious, tense state, and it's very difficult to break out of keeping all other aspects of my health considered. Alcohol seems to just annihilate this stress state and grounds me in this world in peace. It's difficult for me to accept because of years of indoctrination and also first hand witness to the disasterous effects alcohol can have on people, yet somehow the positivity I feel from the substance outweighs all of that. What if I can use the drug just like most people drink coffee, or many people use nicotine, or how some people use nootropics. It is a substance that improves my well-being if used correctly.

It's the warmth, peace, and good feelings that drive me to the substance. Until I can replicate such good states by other means, I'll continue to utilize alcohol to maintain my positive affective states towards life.

 

[OccamzRazer]

It's been so long since I've written.

If I were to guess why, it's because I'm hesitant to write when I am unsure of my own beliefs and where I am. When I am more rooted in certainty of myself I feel more confident and expressive in letting thoughts flow into the world as truth.

I'm in the midst of re-orienting my beliefs of what makes solid nourishment. It's crystal clear to me how my being changes as a result of the foods I ingest, and the quality, type, preparation, and integration all can drastically change my well-being.

I had lost the desire and inspiration to discover the truth that is in the foods I consume, and I noticed I slowly became lazier and lazier in accepting whatever nourishment choices I could find. Such a dissipation of responsibility I believe was leading me to a decline rather than a growth. Rather than attempting to build comraderie and positivity, I found myself more wanting to be antagonistic and isolated.

I've noticed that alcohol hands down is almost an instant grounding substance. For whatever reason, my gut/body is stuck in what seems like an anxious, tense state, and it's very difficult to break out of keeping all other aspects of my health considered. Alcohol seems to just annihilate this stress state and grounds me in this world in peace. It's difficult for me to accept because of years of indoctrination and also first hand witness to the disasterous effects alcohol can have on people, yet somehow the positivity I feel from the substance outweighs all of that. What if I can use the drug just like most people drink coffee, or many people use nicotine, or how some people use nootropics. It is a substance that improves my well-being if used correctly.

It's the warmth, peace, and good feelings that drive me to the substance. Until I can replicate such good states by other means, I'll continue to utilize alcohol to maintain my positive affective states towards life.

You can probably experience a similarly anti-stress effect from large amounts of preg/prog, red light, high dose CBD:THC in a 1:1-ish ratio, mushrooms, intense exercise, etc.

If you haven't already tried such things!

 

[Runenight201]

You can probably experience a similarly anti-stress effect from large amounts of preg/prog, red light, high dose CBD:THC in a 1:1-ish ratio, mushrooms, intense exercise, etc.

If you haven't already tried such things!

The preg/prog stuck out to me the most out of everything you suggested...what would be a good dose for your average male?

 

[Runenight201]

When I think about my positive alcohol experience, I have to mention that it made the unenjoyable enjoyable. I really do not like cooking, but I know it is crucial to my well-being. If I could receive the well-being without paying the price of the awfulness that is cooking, I'd do it in a heartbeat. My dislike for cooking led me to take half-measures and cop outs in providing nourishment for myself. The alcohol somehow reduced my distaste for cooking enough to make me not mind doing it. It even at moments turned the whole experience into an enjoyable one.

I know the better at cooking I become, the better I'll become as a human being. I'll have the energy and nourishment to strongly grow and develop.

 

[Nemo]

I've noticed that alcohol hands down is almost an instant grounding substance. For whatever reason, my gut/body is stuck in what seems like an anxious, tense state, and it's very difficult to break out of keeping all other aspects of my health considered. Alcohol seems to just annihilate this stress state and grounds me in this world in peace. It's difficult for me to accept because of years of indoctrination and also first hand witness to the disasterous effects alcohol can have on people, yet somehow the positivity I feel from the substance outweighs all of that. What if I can use the drug just like most people drink coffee, or many people use nicotine, or how some people use nootropics. It is a substance that improves my well-being if used correctly.

It's the warmth, peace, and good feelings that drive me to the substance. Until I can replicate such good states by other means, I'll continue to utilize alcohol to maintain my positive affective states towards life.

I didn't realize you were stuck in a place like this. This is a terribly poignant statement.

You sound like Bukowski without a typewriter.

I'm going to read through your earlier posts in this thread to understand better. I found this beautiful:

I’m always confused whether I should seek out saints or become a saint myself. Surely the best of human beings is strong enough to be the independent variable around the multitude of causal factors. But how much easier it would be if I were surrounded by good people, as opposed to being the average person attempting to be good among fallen individuals.

I think I am fixed upon a course of goodness, and that ultimately I shall be saved, should I keep myself oriented correctly. [\quote]

 

[lampofred]

I've noticed that alcohol hands down is almost an instant grounding substance. For whatever reason, my gut/body is stuck in what seems like an anxious, tense state, and it's very difficult to break out of keeping all other aspects of my health considered. Alcohol seems to just annihilate this stress state and grounds me in this world in peace. It's difficult for me to accept because of years of indoctrination and also first hand witness to the disasterous effects alcohol can have on people, yet somehow the positivity I feel from the substance outweighs all of that. What if I can use the drug just like most people drink coffee, or many people use nicotine, or how some people use nootropics. It is a substance that improves my well-being if used correctly.

It's the warmth, peace, and good feelings that drive me to the substance. Until I can replicate such good states by other means, I'll continue to utilize alcohol to maintain my positive affective states towards life.

Be careful because that's what everyone says at the beginning... It's not the binge drinkers who get black-out hammered who become addicted, because they only do that parties; no parties, no drinking. It's the people who use it for daily functioning that have to be careful because they tell themselves that it's only a harmless pick-me-up, while a dependency insidiously creeps up.

 

[Nemo]

Be careful because that's what everyone says at the beginning... It's not the binge drinkers who get black-out hammered who become addicted, because they only do that parties; no parties, no drinking. It's the people who use it for daily functioning that have to be careful because they tell themselves that it's only a harmless pick-me-up, while a dependency insidiously creeps up.

Yes, I think a lot of us got worried at that statement.

 

[cgh4444]

this guy pontificating pseudo intellectual collectivist trash in the covid thread while also being a borderline alcoholic. Dude quit drinking maybe your warped worldview will come back into coherence.

 

[Runenight201]

I just re-read my thread history also. Most of my posts bored me, with all my hyperfocus on what foods I ate that did this or that. I do miss @Cirion. A soul I'll never speak to again. I hope he has found his way. What stuck out the most were all my spiritual posts. I would re-read them and cry. I have a bad memory and I forget what experiences I've had. How powerful they felt in the moment. Do they carry over if I forget about them? There must be some unconscious memory that forms and subtly changes my being. I hope at least. How good and pure I can feel in those moments, but then I interact with the world and I am lost and corrupted again. I remember that peaceful serenity, will you come back to me please? Will you follow me into the world? Will you watch over me and protect me against the wickedness and snares of our existence? I think I have to integrate prayer back into my daily mode of living. My heart needs to be protected.

I understand the concern. How many lives have been wasted by the bottle? Even in the warmth of the buzz I felt the impaired executive functioning. I think my work saves me from abuse. I need my brain functioning at a certain analytical level to properly work at my math center, and I tend to make decisions that center around maximizing that analytical functioning so that I can be successfully carrying out my duties. I think the alcoholic has lost awareness over what other things may be good for them and has accepted alcohol as the sole means for reprieve. But too much alcohol eventually feels bad, as my body becomes poisoned from the excess. I begin to seek out other substances and foods that can shift my states into the next proper directions. I do hope that I will find solutions that are more generative and proper than liqour.

@cgh4444 hello we meet again. I apologize for being rather demeaning towards you. Perhaps we can get somewhere without the anomosity?

 

[Vileplume]

Hey @Runenight201, just wanted to share that I’ve been a fan of yours since I first joined this forum.

Your posts inspire me to write more thoughtfully. I’d love to look back at years of my own posts written with the same patience and reflectiveness that I see in yours.

 

[Runenight201]

Hi @Vileplume. Thank you for sharing your words. Self-progression is a very beautiful thing to witness. I hope yours will be good.

 

[equipoise]

Runenight man keep goin, I have to say that alcohol offering short term anti-bacterial effects and acting as a gut sterilizer is a lie itself. IT works until it doesn't work and then good luck kicking it, being 24/7 available. It's also a sure road to years of problems. Alcohol has no place in a metabolic lifestyle. Fix your gut

 

[OccamzRazer]

The preg/prog stuck out to me the most out of everything you suggested...what would be a good dose for your average male?

I'm not entirely sure...just dosed by feel. Beginning with a large dose of each that feels quite sedating, then tapering down to find the MED. Maybe begin with 50 mg's of each? You can take it in the evening to unwind.

There's a report somewhere on this forum about Peat giving high doses of Progest-E to an alcoholic friend.

Not saying you're an alcoholic or anything! But you might be overly dependent on it. I struggled with alcohol dependency (drinking a bottle of wine a day) for a few years before finding adequate replacements. I loved it because it made me feel much like it seems to make you feel. Thankfully there are other ways to get the very same feeling.