Feeling Fine

[sunmountain]

Noticed recently that my mood has been ok for a while. I remember posting a while ago that I was feeling no joy etc. I still don't feel joy, but I feel calm.

Calm.

No beating up on myself. No racing thoughts. Good sleep most of the time. Engaged and busy. Thinking ahead a bit (for the first time in years); planning life a bit. I can actually THINK again!

Doing ok, really.

Even with inflated stomach. How is that possible?

Even still with no exercise.

Doing generous progest-e. Preg at bedtime. Began DHEA at breakfast couple of days ago (it helps pee which is nice). And all the usual suspects. Oh, and red light every night.

Maybe it's the red light. Maybe the preg is cumulative after all. Maybe it's the increased progest-e. Maybe it's all of them.

Dunno. Hope my stomach (and back) gets better soon. Then I might just be set.

 

[treelady]

Thanks for the good news sunmountain :) Sounds like you are making good progress. I know progest-E can make me feel so peaceful. Probably not your case but eliminating gelatin and using glycine powder did wonders for my bloating.

 

[Such_Saturation]

Eventually you find yourself looking at sunlight or trees or something else, and a very large amount of joy bursts from you. Now this is the fairly consistent baseline of how you feel, and you can pinpoint what shifts you away from it and you can pinpoint how temporary the periods of illness are compared to feeling good. You are not angry anymore when you are not good, you are just compassionate towards your body and thankful for any time you were well, as well as confident that you will resolve the situation.

 

[treelady]

Eventually you find yourself looking at sunlight or trees or something else, and a very large amount of joy bursts from you. Now this is the fairly consistent baseline of how you feel, and you can pinpoint what shifts you away from it and you can pinpoint how temporary the periods of illness are compared to feeling good. You are not angry anymore when you are not good, you are just compassionate towards your body and thankful for any time you were well, as well as confident that you will resolve the situation.

Well said Such_Saturation - I feel your words.

 

[sunmountain]

Very interesting, Saturation. Yes, I guess, this is my new baseline. It is a very nice baseline! I don't remember ever having such a peaceful feeling most of the time. Maybe when I was in the mountains when I was a kid.

I do have a deep anger in my toward my family of origin. I'll have to deal with that in the not too far future, I think. When I think of it, I feel the anger, but then move on to other things. I suppose if I thought of it longer, it might rattle me more. I'm thinking I'll confront the issue with a letter to them in the future. I will definitely be rattled while writing the letter.

Regarding your observation about confidence -- yes! I feel this deep-seated belief that things will turn out ok in the end. That I have the ability to change what can be changed. I have never felt such a calm certainty in my ability before.

I still have the lisuride lying in my cabinet. I had wanted to take it to feel joy. Now I don't feel that need so much because I think joy will come.

Thanks for your comment, Saturation!

Treelady, I did switch from green can to glycine. I thought it made a difference in the beginning but now my stomach is the same inflated, no difference.

 

[toddy]

That's a good news for you. Get well soon. Don't worry everything will be better

 

[loess]

Very glad for you to be feeling a sense of calm and peaceful confidence! Ride the wave in gratitude and joy, but also remember to be gentle and forgiving of yourself if you encounter a sudden jolt that tosses you back into the sea of unpredictability.

With regard to anger toward your family: I am reminded over and over again that there is no "free lunch", when it comes to the clarity of mind and the cradle of calmness that arrives in pleasurable waves once you are able to begin correcting long-standing hormonal and metabolic imbalances. In my experience, while addressing physiological needs can partially result in almost immediate joy and tranquility, it also initiates the unraveling and dissolving of thick webs inside of me that have built up over time to conceal and isolate areas of trauma, fear, anger and grief. I am a firm believer that these things are stored not only in the mind but also quite literally in the tissue. I see this as an adaptive and protective mechanism by the organism to keep itself from being overtaken...but to truly resolve these stored emotions/memories/learned helplessness/patterns of thought/etc, they have to eventually be directly and deeply addressed in some manner. So in doing that I have to constantly remind myself to invoke self-forgiveness and self-love, and that feelings and thoughts of fear and guilt are often simply my mind and body playing tricks on each other. Sometimes it is a matter of really getting in there and doing the work to resolve complex intangible and esoteric components, and sometimes it is more physiological in nature and all it takes are a couple of spoonfuls of honey and milk and some sunlight or spending time under my incandescents to bring me back to my center. It is all a dance of self-awareness and it is crucially important to take moments sometimes to step back and simply be grateful.

Good luck with the letter writing, I think sometimes even if you don't end up sending the letter in the end, just writing it helps tremendously. Letter writing is actually on my to-do list as well it is something I have had on my mind with regard to a relationship with someone I was with earlier in my life that involved a lot of suffering on both of our ends.

 

[Blossom]

:1 I'm happy for you sunmountain.
Beautiful thoughts loess.

 

[sunmountain]

"these things are stored not only in the mind but also quite literally in the tissue."

"all it takes are a couple of spoonfuls of honey and milk and some sunlight or spending time under my incandescents to bring me back to my center."

Thanks, loess! Yes, there is inner work ahead. No free lunch. This steady calm has revealed a disturbing view that must be addressed. But it will also give the strength to address it.

Thanks, Blossom! You are one of my inspirations! I have been following a little of your story here and there, and your recovery from where you were is amazing! I too am in a place of finding a new career, and I suspect we both will find something fulfilling.