Spirituality Wrecked Me. Can I Ever Heal?

[Cosmic]

Also I was probably projecting a lot, as I had a phase of being obsessed with spirituality, LOA, psychedelics, and my own inner world. Everything I wanted to do in life had to be mentally processed and thought about for a seemingly neverending amount of time, actions could be considered complete as long as I had thought about them enough, in my weird distorted world view. It was enough for me to think about what I wanted in life, so much so that actually going for it or taking the risk inherent in any pursuit became less of a priority and just thinking about it seemed to satisfy the need (of course it can’t and never did). That website has helped me understand my psychology a bit better and was really my only reason for sharing.

When i thought about my desire i was filled with energy and motivation to do some action for it, even thought it wasn't a material desire.

However i did notice a thing that i resonate with a trait from the Communicator. Long story short, when i was a child i wasn't raised with emotion. My parents weren't that affectionate and tended to be more discipline-like. My mother was loving and maybe was a bit more affectionate but not so much, my (unfortunately) father wasn't. His psychology was the old school, his methods of teaching behavior were violent and aggressive and his vocabulary was disgusting. Also he was alcoholic. He didn't drink 24/7 but when he did...We had problems. I mean he originates from a family with a very disgusting mentality, so i don't wonder why he grew to be like that. I mean we had happy moments, happy times, vacations, laughter but that was most of the time in vain for me.I always felt unrelated, disconnected from this person. Recently he did pretty bad things so i completely cut ties with him and lost that very little thing i had for him.
At 17/18 years of age (i am 18) i realized that i have never been connected to this person. I wondered why i always despised his character.

In short, i never felt father's love/affection/security whatever. I have never had reliable father figure in my life. But now it doesn't matter that much. I still long for that yes, it's still here, but it isn't something that is going to ruin me or make me depressed. I accepted it and i am moving on with life.

What bothers me now is this anhedonia thing. I want to get myself back, my aliveness, my energy and so on :)

 

[LUH 3417]

When i thought about my desire i was filled with energy and motivation to do some action for it, even thought it wasn't a material desire.

However i did notice a thing that i resonate with a trait from the Communicator. Long story short, when i was a child i wasn't raised with emotion. My parents weren't that affectionate and tended to be more discipline-like. My mother was loving and maybe was a bit more affectionate but not so much, my (unfortunately) father wasn't. His psychology was the old school, his methods of teaching behavior were violent and aggressive and his vocabulary was disgusting. Also he was alcoholic. He didn't drink 24/7 but when he did...We had problems. I mean he originates from a family with a very disgusting mentality, so i don't wonder why he grew to be like that. I mean we had happy moments, happy times, vacations, laughter but that was most of the time in vain for me.I always felt unrelated, disconnected from this person. Recently he did pretty bad things so i completely cut ties with him and lost that very little thing i had for him.
At 17/18 years of age (i am 18) i realized that i have never been connected to this person. I wondered why i always despised his character.

In short, i never felt father's love/affection/security whatever. I have never had reliable father figure in my life. But now it doesn't matter that much. I still long for that yes, it's still here, but it isn't something that is going to ruin me or make me depressed. I accepted it and i am moving on with life.

What bothers me now is this anhedonia thing. I want to get myself back, my aliveness, my energy and so on :)

what you describe sounds like a significant life event. I really don’t like subscribing to the idea that past traumas are stored or that you have to spend your entire adult life healing from childhood wounds. I think peat’s work is about having enough energy to feel fully and engage with the world in a way that is satisfying and creative. Maybe you turned towards meditation because the feelings around the situation with your father brought up lots of anger and rage and you just rather focus on good emotions? Or I could be completely wrong. Either way I think it’s ok to feel, and to work on yourself and improving your life situation. It’s okay to tell people who hurt you that they hurt you, and that you don’t want anything to do with them anymore. It’s ok to forgive when you’re ready to forgive. And so on and so forth.

 

[Cosmic]

what you describe sounds like a significant life event. I really don’t like subscribing to the idea that past traumas are stored or that you have to spend your entire adult life healing from childhood wounds. I think peat’s work is about having enough energy to feel fully and engage with the world in a way that is satisfying and creative. Maybe you turned towards meditation because the feelings around the situation with your father brought up lots of anger and rage and you just rather focus on good emotions? Or I could be completely wrong. Either way I think it’s ok to feel, and to work on yourself and improving your life situation. It’s okay to tell people who hurt you that they hurt you, and that you don’t want anything to do with them anymore. It’s ok to forgive when you’re ready to forgive. And so on and so forth.

No, i expressed myself in a wrong way. This has nothing to do with the anhedonia, I just explained this because i mentioned what i read from the communicator character-trait. And i didn't meditate(nor do i know how to xD). And plus i felt like i should share this little piece of myself somewhere :) Nevertheless, this has nothing to do with the LOA, that was (and is) a different desire of mine, something totally different. This didn't stop me from having a good lifetime, even though it had it's way that impacted me on several things, but it isn't that powerful to put me down, because i am not giving it power :) If you give it power, it will put you down and knock you into depression/trauma whatever.

The cause of my anhedonia was most likely unhealthy lifestyle and poor nutrition. Because when i look back and ask myself if it was caused by the LOA/Esoteric obsession, it wasn't some paranoic desperate obsession, i was quite calm in that "pursuing" of the desired feeling/state of being if you would. It wasn't something stressful or totally another world like you explained with the creator character-trait. I was totally in this world, not out of it, and that picture of my better self with the desire was here too, i didn't go with it to another world in my mind. I tried to "bring" it "here". I educated myself well on this topic, listened to a lot of people like Alan Watts, Abraham Hicks, Neville Goddard, Osho, Sadhguru and many others.

But in a way it made me to neglect my physical health by researching for it, so it contributed only in that way, not psychological. When i expanded my consciousness, i became very empathetic. So i am a very blissful, talkative, energetic, open minded, emotional and adventurous person so psychological stuff isn't likely to put me down to a serious level because i can see life from a higher aspect. This is the main thing that i think helped me not to be worn down by the childhood situation that we discussed earlier. So i think it's not psychological, it's most likely poor nutrition and unhealthy life habits.

 

[LUH 3417]

No, i expressed myself in a wrong way. This has nothing to do with the anhedonia, I just explained this because i mentioned what i read from the communicator character-trait. And i didn't meditate(nor do i know how to xD). And plus i felt like i should share this little piece of myself somewhere :) Nevertheless, this has nothing to do with the LOA, that was (and is) a different desire of mine, something totally different. This didn't stop me from having a good lifetime, even though it had it's way that impacted me on several things, but it isn't that powerful to put me down, because i am not giving it power :) If you give it power, it will put you down and knock you into depression/trauma whatever.

The cause of my anhedonia was most likely unhealthy lifestyle and poor nutrition. Because when i look back and ask myself if it was caused by the LOA/Esoteric obsession, it wasn't some paranoic desperate obsession, i was quite calm in that "pursuing" of the desired feeling/state of being if you would. It wasn't something stressful or totally another world like you explained with the creator character-trait. I was totally in this world, not out of it, and that picture of my better self with the desire was here too, i didn't go with it to another world in my mind. I tried to "bring" it "here". I educated myself well on this topic, listened to a lot of people like Alan Watts, Abraham Hicks, Neville Goddard, Osho, Sadhguru and many others.

But in a way it made me to neglect my physical health by researching for it, so it contributed only in that way, not psychological. When i expanded my consciousness, i became very empathetic. So i am a very blissful, talkative, energetic, open minded, emotional and adventurous person so psychological stuff isn't likely to put me down to a serious level because i can see life from a higher aspect. This is the main thing that i think helped me not to be worn down by the childhood situation that we discussed earlier. So i think it's not psychological, it's most likely poor nutrition and unhealthy life habits.

then it sounds like you are doing really well :)

 

[GreekDemiGod]

But in a way it made me to neglect my physical health

Did you manifest awesome physical health?

I recently discovered Neville Goddard, I find everything fascinating.

I put out a wish about having great sleep. 1-2 days later, I was suddenly hit with the idea that I need some starch / wheat back in my diet. Did it, and voila, sleep quality massively improved.

 

[boris]

I had similar experiences as OP. Although not as dramatic.
Only later I found out I was not alone. The deeper I went into this new age idea of spirituality, the more I experienced disassociation from my body. My body felt like a burden and made me depressed instead of feeling as a unity with it and being thankful.

Is mindfulness making us ill?
Why mindfulness is bad for you

"Farias looked at the research into unexpected side-effects. A 1992 study by David Shapiro, a professor at the University of California, Irvine, found that 63% of the group studied, who had varying degrees of experience in meditation and had each tried mindfulness, had suffered at least one negative effect from meditation retreats, while 7% reported profoundly adverse effects including panic, depression, pain and anxiety. Shapiro’s study was small-scale; several research papers, including a 2011 study by Duke University in North Carolina, have raised concerns at the lack of quality research on the impact of mindfulness, specifically the lack of controlled studies.

Farias feels that media coverage inflates the moderate positive effects of mindfulness, and either doesn’t report or underplays the downsides. “Mindfulness can have negative effects for some people, even if you’re doing it for only 20 minutes a day,” Farias says. “It’s difficult to tell how common [negative] experiences are, because mindfulness researchers have failed to measure them, and may even have discouraged participants from reporting them by attributing the blame to them.”"
...

"The second, Williams says, is more severe and disconcerting: “Experiences can be quite extreme, to the extent of inducing paranoia, delusions, confusion, mania or depression.” After years of training, research and practice, her own personal meditation has included some of these negative experiences. “Longer periods of meditation have at times led me to feel a loss of identity and left me feeling extremely vulnerable, almost like an open wound,” Williams says. As an experienced mindfulness teacher, however, she says she is able to deal with these negative experiences without lasting effect."
...

"After a few months of following guided meditations, and feeling increasingly anxious, Rachel had what she describes as a “meltdown” immediately after practising some of the techniques she’d learned; the relationship she was in broke down. “That’s the horrible hangover I have from this: instead of having a sense of calm, I overanalyse and scrutinise everything. Things would run round in my mind, and suddenly I’d be doing things that were totally out of character, acting very, very erratically. Having panic attacks that would restrict my breathing and, once, sent me into a blackout seizure on the studio floor that involved an ambulance trip to accident and emergency.”"

 

[Regina]

I found this to be a thoughtful article, wherein I likened the "modern secularity" to Dr. Peat's cultural autism:
What's at Stake as the Dharma Goes Modern?

 

[ddjd]

Perhaps check out some extended water fasting with a LCHF/IF (low carb high fat/intermittent fasting) lifestyle. Pretty easy to do even in a "Peaty" paradigm. High fat dairy (cheese, some milk), fatty ruminant meat, dark chocolate, coconut oil, SOME (12oz maybe) OJ for vitamin C, some of the healthier nuts, etc., etc. Don't calorie restrict, just carb restrict.

From a spiritual perspective stay away from that Eastern/Hindu stuff like meditation because it's a doorway for the demonic. Hindus know this although they'll say that they're all (demons) just various gods and avatars. Jesus Christ is the answer and salvation (being saved from Hell) is a free gift to all who believe in the blood atonement (payment for personal sin) and death/burial/RESURRECTION of Christ Jesus. God bless!!

View: https://jonathanmccormack.medium.com/are-we-being-farmed-by-alien-insect-dmt-entities-6acda0a11cce

 

[Peater]

Excess religiosity is associated with temporal lobe dysfunction and temporal lobe seizures are also associated with electric sensations. The after effects are also similar, drastic personality changes, loss of cognitive ability, fatigue.

How would this be diagnosed? @Pina sent me a PDF with details of how childhood vaccines can affect the brain with stroke-like effects.

Just seeing if any dots join up out of interest

 

[Adf]

Hello all,

last three years I spent aroun 1-2h a day meditating at the same time staying in strict celibacy. My health improved a ton, I enjoyed such lifestyle and thought it's all roses and butterflies until one evening enormous amount of energy generated in my body and acted as some sort of electro shock to my psyche and body.

That happened on December and since then I've been living in a hell. I've been hospitalized in mental ward because I was averaging 1-2h of sleep at night for full month and my body went into katatonic mode. Felt like my nerves were "locking up". There I've been diagnosed as severely depressed and fed a lot of Ssri's, benzos and even antipsychotics. I quit most medications as I was barely alive from them but still on single pill of Ssri. Needless to say things did not improve at all and I've been living corpse with lots of torturing symptoms.

* I guess it's severe depression. I feel suicidal half of the day regardless of what I do. Take a walk, speak with my mother or occasionally meet friend. No pleasure ever just feeling horrible. At worst it often feels as I am breathing in toxins or chemicals.

*Major cognitive impairment that is quite similar to early onset of dementia. Vocabulary and short term memory vanished. It seems I also "lost thinking". Nothing creative, humorous or logical comes up in my head. It is usually some nonsense spinning all the time. When I have conversations they are really dry and not flow or liveness there. Often times it's one liners.

*This one is going to be difficult to explain but it's almost like I can't keep up with external view. Like all surroundings and what I see lags a micro second behind which makes it difficult to be on point. I am always confused and awkward when I need to respond by doing something (picking x or navigating my way in a more crowded areas for example).

*Energy issues. I never know when wave of fatigue hits me and I will need to lie in bed to catch breathing. Able to walk about 12km on a good day but not fit to work anymore.

*Insomnia.

*Overreactive nervous system. I never feel relaxed or at ease. Constantly on guard.

*Changes in personality for worse. I've became timid, withdrawn selfish, lazy, irritable, not caring. Wasn't exactly Mother Terresa prior but this new version of me is something like 30 years old booze addict living with his parents.

We did MRI scan because I thought it looks really brain injury alike but scan was fine.

I used to follow Peat sort of intuitively, especially when my health improved but currently my appetite is really low. I don't digest food as fast as I used to and not craving sweet/sugar like before.

Guys, this situation looks really hopeless but perhaps I can at least fix part where joy and energy comes back? This is really unbearable state to be living in and I don't know where to start if it's even healable.

If anybody could point some directions that would be great.

Thank you for reading

Quick question, have you continued to meditate or did you cease completely?

I ask because you might want to look into Robert Monroe's Hemi-sync Gateway Experience meditations. They were studied extensively by the CIA believe it or not, you can find a declass document on the net about it.

They are so incredibly powerful and teach you many things, in your case you may be interested in the Spiritual Protection, via an energy balloon that surrounds you and you can turn on and off at will. This energy bubble is used in every single Hemi-sync program.

Among other things it teaches
- Colour energy, control the flow of your energy using colour visualization to heal and balance your mind/body/spirit
- Asking the cosmos/universe/reality specific questions you need answered
- Transfer of cosmic energy (primarily to objects, but also works on people)
- Remote viewing
- OBE (out of body experience)
- Patterning (manifesting or patterning your reality)

That's most of it, there's a few more that I don't remember much about. It may help you, particularly learning the energy balloon and colour breathing to heal and balance.

---

I'll share a few of my experiences after having used it, if you're interested. If not, then just mosey on by.
I did the hemi-sync meditations several times a week for a period of several months.

1:
For my whole like (I'm 30 this year) I used to get night terrors amidst sleep paralysis, where you wake up paralyzed and hallucinate things. We don't actually know whether these are illusions in peoples heads, or they're entities in another dimensional plane, hard to prove it. But every inch of my being tells me, they're very real when I see them. I have had absolutely soul crushing night terrors in my lifetime that I would not wish upon my worst enemy.

Well the last scary night terror I had was a shadow figure, very close to me leaning on me. Immense sense of dread and hatred from it like it wanted to kill or eat me. I was scared shitless, but I had my wits, which normally NEVER happens. I smiled, affirmed in my mind, 'Not today ************, I'm stronger than you' and grabbed the shadow mans throat. Then snapped out of the paralysis.

Since then, I haven't had any 'attacks'. I still have sleep paralysis and hallucinations albeit rarely, but not an attack by an entity, they're harmless. For example there was a 1 foot tall dancing gnome on my bench, I awoke paralyzed, confused, but not afraid, no sense of danger. I smiled and laughed with the gnome.

PS: The trick to controlling your fear even in paralyzed night terror hallucinations, is to smile. If you can't smile physically, smile on the inside. Fear is on a fine line, adjacent to excitement. It doesn't take much to push you over to the side of fear, but smiling will allow you to force yourself onto the side of excitement. In excitement, you can be in control of the situation.

2:
Mass increase in synchronicities (daily now), and patterning reality. and intuition. Care should be taken. Just one example for you..

I always struggled to find clothes that fit me. I have a large muscular chest and broad shoulders but my waist is small in comparison, it was incredibly difficult to find a comfortable fitting shirt.

One day I'm driving in my old mans car, with my wife. A song comes on I never heard before that was catchy as as hell. I started singing it, every day it was in my head all week, I would sing it. That song was Big Bad John by Jimmy Dean.
'
Ev'ry mornin' at the mine you could see him arrive
He stood six foot six and weighed two forty five
Kinda broad at the shoulder and narrow at the hip
And everybody knew, ya didn't give no lip to Big John
Big John, Big John
Big Bad John
Big John
'
2 weeks later I'm shopping with my wife and was ecstatic, I found an entire brand of shirts that fit me perfectly! This brand was new, at least to where I live. They had sizes up to 6XL (was VERY rare finding big shirts in Target and Kmart here in Australia before this, there was only specialty big and tall shops).

Well that brand is called JohnnyBig.

I have learned that words you say out loud, and especially sing with emotion, can bring manifestations in your life. The more spiritually attuned you become, the more you NEED to be aware of the lyrics of the songs you're singing. There are so many songs that you may love, that are upbeat and 'sound' positive, but have really negative lyrics. Think all of Britney Spears, Spice Girls, and so on. Songs marketed to kids and young teens, have absolutely god awful negative lyrics. Pay attention to the lyrics in your music.

---

3:
There was an awesome band I used to listen to a lot in high school, I cant remember the exact dates but this was years ago. After I left high school, eventually they had not crossed my mind at all..

Then last year on the way to work, I suddenly remembered them and a massive sense of nostalgia flooded me. I just had to research them, see if they still made music, if they were still good.

I came to learn that they had disbanded in 2013, But they had reunited the month before my sudden nostalgia remembrance.

That band is Kiuas. Spirit of Ukko is a banger \m/

---

If you're interested, the meditations are commercial and require purchasing on their website, but you might find them online to download if you try hard enough. I did once before but the download had been removed due to copyright, but it might pop up elsewhere.