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Spirituality Wrecked Me. Can I Ever Heal?

Discussion in 'Mental Issues' started by Uselis, Jun 10, 2019.

  1. Uselis

    Uselis Member

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    Hello all,

    last three years I spent aroun 1-2h a day meditating at the same time staying in strict celibacy. My health improved a ton, I enjoyed such lifestyle and thought it's all roses and butterflies until one evening enormous amount of energy generated in my body and acted as some sort of electro shock to my psyche and body.

    That happened on December and since then I've been living in a hell. I've been hospitalized in mental ward because I was averaging 1-2h of sleep at night for full month and my body went into katatonic mode. Felt like my nerves were "locking up". There I've been diagnosed as severely depressed and fed a lot of Ssri's, benzos and even antipsychotics. I quit most medications as I was barely alive from them but still on single pill of Ssri. Needless to say things did not improve at all and I've been living corpse with lots of torturing symptoms.

    * I guess it's severe depression. I feel suicidal half of the day regardless of what I do. Take a walk, speak with my mother or occasionally meet friend. No pleasure ever just feeling horrible. At worst it often feels as I am breathing in toxins or chemicals.

    *Major cognitive impairment that is quite similar to early onset of dementia. Vocabulary and short term memory vanished. It seems I also "lost thinking". Nothing creative, humorous or logical comes up in my head. It is usually some nonsense spinning all the time. When I have conversations they are really dry and not flow or liveness there. Often times it's one liners.

    *This one is going to be difficult to explain but it's almost like I can't keep up with external view. Like all surroundings and what I see lags a micro second behind which makes it difficult to be on point. I am always confused and awkward when I need to respond by doing something (picking x or navigating my way in a more crowded areas for example).

    *Energy issues. I never know when wave of fatigue hits me and I will need to lie in bed to catch breathing. Able to walk about 12km on a good day but not fit to work anymore.

    *Insomnia.

    *Overreactive nervous system. I never feel relaxed or at ease. Constantly on guard.

    *Changes in personality for worse. I've became timid, withdrawn selfish, lazy, irritable, not caring. Wasn't exactly Mother Terresa prior but this new version of me is something like 30 years old booze addict living with his parents.

    We did MRI scan because I thought it looks really brain injury alike but scan was fine.

    I used to follow Peat sort of intuitively, especially when my health improved but currently my appetite is really low. I don't digest food as fast as I used to and not craving sweet/sugar like before.

    Guys, this situation looks really hopeless but perhaps I can at least fix part where joy and energy comes back? This is really unbearable state to be living in and I don't know where to start if it's even healable.

    If anybody could point some directions that would be great.

    Thank you for reading
     
  2. lampofred

    lampofred Member

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    Do you think the shock might have been a temporal lobe seizure or something?
     
  3. OP
    Uselis

    Uselis Member

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    I have no idea. At the time it felt that if I proceed with this energy it either going to fry my brain or I will just collapse. So much primal fear been released that moment. I quickly jumped and started to do some push ups just to stop it somehow but unfortunately damaged been done already.

    Later on, perhaps month after I started to get disoriented in places. Like, I'd know what is location but would have extremely difficult time navigating way out of it myself.

    I'd be spacing out a lot into what looked like some black vaacuum. So regular view would dissapear for second or so. My mom told me that time I looked like I am on some heavy drugs.
     
  4. rei

    rei Member

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    Maybe you had a reconnecting with your body on a deeper level which opened your perception to the underlying problems that were disguised by chronic stress?

    I would start with fasting to reset/recalibrate and get a real baseline, and then reintroduce things one at a time and see how you react. Once you can manage 72 hours without food without discomfort you know the process is done and further improvement is unlikely from fasting.
     
  5. shine

    shine Member

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    Pregnenolone.
     
  6. sunraiser

    sunraiser Member

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    I actually had something a little similar after over a year of celibacy, but mine was combined with super high volume gym and forced protein diet so it's hard to say how similar.

    In hindsight, I would keep things simple. Does sun feel appealing or good on your skin at current? If so, get as much torso (front and back) sunbathing in as feels good, morning sun too if that feels nice.

    It can help recover an energy deficit when your liver is overwhelmed with stress byproducts.

    If the sun feels good I would be patient and stick to it - I promise you can recover. Hormones and supplements aren't likely to be a good idea in such a depleted state.
     
  7. OP
    Uselis

    Uselis Member

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    Sunraiser,

    I have hard time enduring heat. Just last summer I enjoyed 30c degrees and right now it saps me out. As far as feeling good goes, unfortunately I can't feel pleasure at all. Did you just recovered on your own? I am having hard time believing recovery will happen as it's been more then half a year of this nightmare.

    Rei,

    I thought fasting is no go especially with expierencing insomnia?

    Shine,

    would pregnenolone mix ok with Ssri's? I plan to quit it in a future since with or without them I still feel suicidal.
     
  8. cinderella

    cinderella Member

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    It might be a spontaneous kundalini awakening.
     
  9. OP
    Uselis

    Uselis Member

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    Cinderella,

    it likely was but all it did just wrecked me without anything positive and no clue how to fix it.

    Although I communicate with Kundalini therapist I feel it is now brain and body issue instead of spiritual.
     
  10. rei

    rei Member

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    Fasting can cause insomnia due to the amount of excess energy you tend to get, but i don't believe insomnia should exclude you from trying it, i would actually expect it to help with insomnia once homeostasis returns.

    Of course there are "easier" things you can try like progesterone etc. but sometimes it is not an issue of too little supplements or food, but too much.
     
  11. cinderella

    cinderella Member

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  12. OP
    Uselis

    Uselis Member

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    Though I did not focus on any particular chakra, I for sure became mentally and physically ill.

    Thank you for support.
     
  13. marcar72

    marcar72 Member

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    Perhaps check out some extended water fasting with a LCHF/IF (low carb high fat/intermittent fasting) lifestyle. Pretty easy to do even in a "Peaty" paradigm. High fat dairy (cheese, some milk), fatty ruminant meat, dark chocolate, coconut oil, SOME (12oz maybe) OJ for vitamin C, some of the healthier nuts, etc., etc. Don't calorie restrict, just carb restrict.

    From a spiritual perspective stay away from that Eastern/Hindu stuff like meditation because it's a doorway for the demonic. Hindus know this although they'll say that they're all (demons) just various gods and avatars. Jesus Christ is the answer and salvation (being saved from Hell) is a free gift to all who believe in the blood atonement (payment for personal sin) and death/burial/RESURRECTION of Christ Jesus. God bless!! :cool:
     
  14. sunraiser

    sunraiser Member

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    Are you still celibate? Ejaculation can act as a form of detox imo, especially when energy is low.

    I know it's a difficult thing when you've been committed for so long but you could try ejaculating once a week or something to see if it makes any difference in how you feel.
     
  15. thomas00

    thomas00 Member

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    Have you ever read The Broken Buddha?
    http://www.buddhistische-gesellschaft-berlin.de/downloads/brokenbuddhanew.pdf

    It contains stories of monks and laypeople living austere lives only to end up in mental institutions or going wild and self medicating with all manner of things. Basically they went so far in one direction (restriction) that it created an enormous stress that inevitably expressed itself as a kind of reckless abandon.

    Not saying that's exactly what happened to you but it might be something to keep in mind. Meditation has been shown to make some issues worse.

    The studies presented here suggest that in certain circumstances meditation may trigger psychosis, but they also show that interventions based on mindfulness may play an important clinical role in the alleviation of symptoms during psychotic episodes
    http://www.archivespp.pl/uploads/images/2015_17_3/48Dyga_ArchivesPP_3_2015.pdf

    Anyways, what are your temps and pulse rate? Are you taking thyroid? Withdrawal, avoidance and irritability are also serotonin associated. Cyproheptadine could be useful, especially after all those SSRIs.
     
  16. shine

    shine Member

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    Yes, they would. Pretty sure you would be able to kick the SSRI's quite quickly after loading your system with some preg.
     
  17. charlie

    charlie The Law & Order Admin

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    How do you think a lot of the prophets got their visions? They were meditating. Father comes for a visit during sleep, meditation/contemplation. and sometimes even on the side of the road. You can read up on Jewish meditation to understand this better. satan would love you to keep you away from meditation/contemplation so he can keep you away from our Father.

    The OP basically seeked out God, and found him. When Father sets up shop in your body it basically feels like a nuclear fusion reactor running full blast inside you. This is the cleansing Light, and it ain't easy. It will burn through all the darkness inside you.

    OP, check out these vids below, basically you have to overcome the mind. It takes time. The mind will do all it can to squash it down because it see's this Energy as a threat because it is so powerful.



     
  18. charlie

    charlie The Law & Order Admin

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  19. Tarmander

    Tarmander Member

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    What kind of life do you want? Do you want a family? Are you happy meditating 2 hours a day if this did not happen? Knowing where you are aiming is going to help. All the theories around Kundalini/chakras/spirituality are interesting, but having been there myself, they don't really lead you anywhere. You will be chasing abstractions forever.
     
  20. Hugh Johnson

    Hugh Johnson Member

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    Manly P Hall apparently documented a bunch of young western esotericists killing themselves with kundalini yoga. I recall John Micheal Greer mentioning that if you have a kundalini awakening without knowing how to deal with it, it can fry your nervous system. You need to find someone who is an expert on kundalini awakenings and see them. You have been messing with powers far beyond your understanding.

    Teal Swan and David Snyder are the only people I can think of who might know how to fix this, but neither is cheap or easy to hire. Other than that, GABA, cypro, progest-e, taurine and glycine seem potentially useful. And no bloody fasting, you have abused yourself enough. Take it easy.
     
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