Something I said out loud changed my chemistry?

connorj123

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I don't know whether or not this will make sense to people, but I will try my best..

I've been feeling unwell for around 5 months, after I said something to someone. My brain feels locked in the moment of what I said, and I've had physical symptoms manifest ever since I said something in conversation. And I completely lost my libido and it has remained that way ever since. Basically, during my stay in a psychiatric hospital suffering from a psychotic episode, I was under the impression that one of the patients was a World Leader, and an extremely important person. When he came to sit with me (having social anxiety), I started blushing and experiencing social anxiety and feelings of discomfort. The next part is where it gets a little strange, I believe what I said was some kind of betrayal. I feel like I broke a pact with myself.. I said " I love people too much to give them up " Then I said, "its optional" and just like that, my social anxiety around people changed permanently. At least it's stayed that way until now. (5 months after the fact). I've had social anxiety for 14 years, and now I feel as though it's been partially switched off, I dont feel the same degree of caution around people I use to. The way i interact with other people has completely changed, and it's really scary to experience. Because I feel like I changed as a person. The reason why I'm making this post is because ever since this moment I've been experiencing horrible physical symptoms since. And it's basically being a none stop torment. Things like:
- Complete loss of all sex drive and libido. I feel no attraction to the opposite sex when I look at women. I also feel nothing hardly in my penis when I masturbate.
- Havent felt PLEASURE in 5 months.
- Feeling like I abandoned who I was previously to allievate the anxiety I was feeling in the moment
- I'm not as talkative anymore. I have absolutely no conversation
- Feel uncomfortable in my own skin, and tormented. Have to keep walking and moving around when I'm stood up or I feel even more uncomfortable. And when I sit down I feel an overwhelming urge to stand up to the point where it HURTS. so even sitting down is difficult
- No longer as interested in my video games despite loving them since I was a kid
- My demeanour / energy changed as a person, I became really boring and feel like I lost my sense of individuality. What made me unique. Feel like i lost my personality
- Fatigue, extreme energy loss. Walking and carrying my body is difficult sometimes.
- Feel unable to connect with people. Including family. I dont feel love in my heart anymore


I honestly dont think anyone has experienced this before. I essentially created a really shitty reality for myself with my own words is how it feels. And I feel like those words had more power since I was feeling extreme anxiety in the moment. I would really appreciate if someone could possibly shed some insight on this for me. As it honestly feels like hell day to day. I'm not sure if there is anything I could take to ease my feelings of discomfort, I am willing to try anything at the moment. What I've noticed is, no matter how much I talk about this and vocalize my torment to family for example, it seems to make absolutely no difference. So im not sure if im willing to try a talking therapy. But i've never experienced anything like this before, and I feel awful. Sorry for the long post. I just feel really really BAD!!!

I know this sounds a lot like depression, but im not sure if it is. I've had depression 10 years and it never manifested this way for me. And it just seems like a coincidence that I lose my anxiety and everything else goes with it. I honestly feel like this is who I am forever now. Since i asked for it in a way...... But im still willing to try to get better. Because my soul is hurting Deeply.
 
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TheSir

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It sounds like your body perceived what you said as a threat (I've experienced similar nonsensical anxiety/OCD-like reactions to something I've said or done), then shut down in order to protect you. So now you are stuck in a depressed/derealized state of being.

Have you tried deliberately embracing and strengthening the feelings? Often these reactions are perpetuated by our fear and instinctual struggle to avoid experiencing the reaction. When we instead lean into the reaction, allowing and encouraging it to become as intense as it can, the reaction begins to either burn itself out or fade away like a mirage. This is how trauma is typically dealt with (and what you're dealing with does indeed seem like trauma). You need to get the body to realize that it is not in a danger by allowing the danger response to express itself fully. At the same time, you have to avoid clinging onto the response. You need to let it wash over you without analyzing it or turning it into a big deal. It's very much the bodily intelligence that needs to process the response, you can't consciously do it with your mind.

Beyond simply embracing the feelings, TRE is a treatment modality that could help you. The US army uses it to cure and prevent PTSD. You can find instructions on youtube.
 

Elie

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an example of a type of "stress", especially if your are ruminating over this or if there is conscious or subconscious guilt, regret, resentment, or other unpleasant emotions associated.
 

sunny

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Look into the work of atom bergstrom for this problem - Google "atom bergstrom who's the matter" and you will come up with a bunch of one radio network interviews where he talks about that. He may even have a blog post on orn about it.
 

Jonk

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- Feel uncomfortable in my own skin, and tormented. Have to keep walking and moving around when I'm stood up or I feel even more uncomfortable. And when I sit down I feel an overwhelming urge to stand up to the point where it HURTS. so even sitting down is difficult
I know this might sound trivial, but how is your digestion? I've had some trauma in my life and have had similair symptoms as you. It's a work in progress for me but I find it easier and helpful to go the "physical healing route" instead of the "psychological". Not saying you shouldn't seek therapy or whatever, just what's seemed to work for me. I've noticed a lot of my negative ruminating almost completely goes away when I empty my bowels completely. I'm currently learning about peristalsis and intestinal health and it's actually made me hopeful.
 
OP
C

connorj123

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Look into the work of atom bergstrom for this problem - Google "atom bergstrom who's the matter" and you will come up with a bunch of one radio network interviews where he talks about that. He may even have a blog post on orn about it.
Could you elaborate on this please? I never managed to find the interview online but it sounds interesting
 

PeskyPeater

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too much serotonin inhibition. learned helplessness as a result.
I would consider using a serotonin releaser therapeutically like MDMA or 6-APB together with a therapist.

MDMA

In pure form and moderate dose (e.g., 1 to 1.5 mg per kg body weight), I think it’s likely to be helpful for changing the pattern of chronic stress/learned helplessness, and maybe the chronic degenerative diseases produced by inescapable stress. The production of nitric oxide is likely to be a problem with large doses or chronic use. (Reference)
 

bbmccorm

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sounds like you went through/are going through a spiritual awakening. check out UG Krishnamurti or Jed Mckenna to see if anything they mention relates to your status. both have annotated books as well as youtube videos.
 

bbmccorm

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too much serotonin inhibition. learned helplessness as a result.
I would consider using a serotonin releaser therapeutically like MDMA or 6-APB together with a therapist.

MDMA

In pure form and moderate dose (e.g., 1 to 1.5 mg per kg body weight), I think it’s likely to be helpful for changing the pattern of chronic stress/learned helplessness, and maybe the chronic degenerative diseases produced by inescapable stress. The production of nitric oxide is likely to be a problem with large doses or chronic use. (Reference)
it might be worth looking into psychedelic assisted therapy. there are a lot of trials going on that you could participate in.
 

PeskyPeater

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Pregnenolone is very helpful with psychosis and schizophrenic type of conditions. Neurosteroids in Schizophrenia: Pathogenic and Therapeutic Implications

Neurosteroid Deficits in SZ Patients​

Schizophrenia has been linked to a variety of aberrant functions related to HPA axis (117, 136), dopaminergic signaling (137), glutamatergic system (26) and GABAergic system (138). Interestingly, neurosteroids are able to modulate these deficits as well as the sigma-1 system, directly and/or indirectly (99), and thus may be involved in the pathophysiology of this disabling illness. Regulation of these neurosteroids may also contribute to the therapeutic benefits of antipsychotics, especially those which act on the GABAA receptor complex (139, 140).

Pregnenolone–Progesterone–Allopregnanolone Pathways​

Converging evidence indicates a pattern of reduced PROG and its related endogenous steroids in SZ. Lower levels of serum PREG (141) were found in SZ patients as compared with healthy controls (HC). Moreover, metabolic stress induced by injection of 2-deoxyglucose caused a significantly greater increase in plasma PROG of SZ patients than HC (142). Preliminary evidence suggests that plasma ALLO may be decreased in nonmedicated first-episode SZ patients (135). Evidence from a postmortem study showed a decrement in ALLO levels in the parietal cortex of SZ patients compared to HC (8). However, inconsistent findings were also reported, showing that plasma PROG levels may be lower, or similar in SZ patients when compared to HC (143145).

Finally, a proof-of-concept trial was conducted with adjunctive PREG administered to SZ patients, with cognition and negative symptoms being the outcomes of interest (135). Increases in levels of serum PREG and ALLO predicted Brief Assessment of Cognition in schizophrenia (BACS) composite scores after 8 weeks of treatment with PREG. In addition, baseline PREG, PS, and ALLO levels were inversely correlated with the improvement in MATRICS Consensus Cognitive Battery (MCCB) composite scores, lending further support to the notion that neurosteroids play a significant role in SZ-related cognitive dysfunction (135).
 
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