Runenight201
Member
- Joined
- Feb 18, 2018
- Messages
- 1,942
I enjoyed reading everyone's replies. They really helped me gain insight into why I have feel the way I do. This outreach for help was kicked off by an attempt from me to learn to utilize a photoshop app to complete a mini-passion project I had thought up of. I had wanted to put together a meme, pretty banal to me now, but profound to me for a time, to an insight I had. The idea was there, and my desire to make it happen was strong, but when I began to encounter obstacles I completely fell apart. Each challenge in editing that damn meme that I faced was so frustrating and tiring that I found myself unable to continue. Even though the passion from the idea wore off, and doubts about its banality and cringiness grew, I still felt like I had to make it happen because I've been stricken by rumination and so little action for so long. The meme served as a goalpost for action, but especially more so action to something that was innately personal to me. This was different from action which served someone or something else. I'm no stranger to responsibility, and I've spent a good amount of time learning because I had to, because that was what was expected of me in the duty I was performing. Sometimes I can even convince myself that this responsibility I took on was good for me and thus embrace what in reality was a bad thing.
Well there probably is something to be said about my energy states, hormonal state, stress conditions, etc... that prevented me from being able to complete the meme in that moment, but I guess what I found out was that I didn't need to know about all of these things and then obsessively optimize each one of them to be able to complete the meme. I spent the rest of the night meandering about the internet until the next morning came, when my being was able to reset itself and then address the task again. I do think there is something to being watchful of screen time, but at the same time when I'm feeling passionate about something, the passion complete eliminates all desire for trivial matters, and so I'm not too harsh on myself when I find myself in a screen time binger. When meaning comes knocking I answer. Being free from an additional stressor in that mini healing period was crucial, and there's no doubt that if I had to work that morning or do some other energy draining responsibility that I would find myself in a similar predicament. Since my responsibility was to the meme and the meme alone, I could eventually collect the energy and composure required to finish the task. The meme is attached below. I'll protect myself from ridicule by prefacing that there is a part of me that finds it bland and uninteresting now.
From reading the replies here, each one of them valuable in their own right, I've gathered that there is a lot of energy I spend, a lot which is necessary for my own survival, which detracts from my ability to grow in ways which are deeply meaningful to me. My orthorexia is draining, and at times can cripple me when some gummy bears and chips are better than the under consumption of calories which can occur from unnecessary dietary rigidity. The necessity of work and my failure to succeed in such venues have crippled me, in that I end up spending a large amount of time, stress, and energy attempting to have some type of career, while at the same time not fully believing in the merits of a career. I work because I must live, but I don't live for my work. Attempting to live through my work has brought a huge amount of anguish. I've found a balance in finding a job that gives me a large amount of free time, but is also very stressful and pays little. However I sit in a leadership position, and that does please me, and in some way adds value and meaning to a low paycheck. I still vacillate between pursuing a career for the financial stability and working solely to earn some money so I can mug off and spend my time chasing meaning. I don't strongly crave a career or money, what I passionately crave for is love and meaning. Perhaps discovering the balance between love and meaning and having the means for survival is where I'll find stable happiness. Despite shaking my belief in God, the Catholic message of there being more to this life than merely what the secular world has to offer has remained. The message of the universality of love has not been lost, and the message that the ultimate aim of a human should be the union with such love (God in the Catholic sense) still shakes me to my core.
The Catholics have their priests, and their seminary's, in which men join in union with love. Perhaps I need to find my equivalent somewhere, I'm sure I'd have no problems learning there. Lastly, the humor is not lost on me that I am a millennial complaining about and then finding meaning from creating a meme...that's pretty damn hilarious :)
Well there probably is something to be said about my energy states, hormonal state, stress conditions, etc... that prevented me from being able to complete the meme in that moment, but I guess what I found out was that I didn't need to know about all of these things and then obsessively optimize each one of them to be able to complete the meme. I spent the rest of the night meandering about the internet until the next morning came, when my being was able to reset itself and then address the task again. I do think there is something to being watchful of screen time, but at the same time when I'm feeling passionate about something, the passion complete eliminates all desire for trivial matters, and so I'm not too harsh on myself when I find myself in a screen time binger. When meaning comes knocking I answer. Being free from an additional stressor in that mini healing period was crucial, and there's no doubt that if I had to work that morning or do some other energy draining responsibility that I would find myself in a similar predicament. Since my responsibility was to the meme and the meme alone, I could eventually collect the energy and composure required to finish the task. The meme is attached below. I'll protect myself from ridicule by prefacing that there is a part of me that finds it bland and uninteresting now.
From reading the replies here, each one of them valuable in their own right, I've gathered that there is a lot of energy I spend, a lot which is necessary for my own survival, which detracts from my ability to grow in ways which are deeply meaningful to me. My orthorexia is draining, and at times can cripple me when some gummy bears and chips are better than the under consumption of calories which can occur from unnecessary dietary rigidity. The necessity of work and my failure to succeed in such venues have crippled me, in that I end up spending a large amount of time, stress, and energy attempting to have some type of career, while at the same time not fully believing in the merits of a career. I work because I must live, but I don't live for my work. Attempting to live through my work has brought a huge amount of anguish. I've found a balance in finding a job that gives me a large amount of free time, but is also very stressful and pays little. However I sit in a leadership position, and that does please me, and in some way adds value and meaning to a low paycheck. I still vacillate between pursuing a career for the financial stability and working solely to earn some money so I can mug off and spend my time chasing meaning. I don't strongly crave a career or money, what I passionately crave for is love and meaning. Perhaps discovering the balance between love and meaning and having the means for survival is where I'll find stable happiness. Despite shaking my belief in God, the Catholic message of there being more to this life than merely what the secular world has to offer has remained. The message of the universality of love has not been lost, and the message that the ultimate aim of a human should be the union with such love (God in the Catholic sense) still shakes me to my core.
The Catholics have their priests, and their seminary's, in which men join in union with love. Perhaps I need to find my equivalent somewhere, I'm sure I'd have no problems learning there. Lastly, the humor is not lost on me that I am a millennial complaining about and then finding meaning from creating a meme...that's pretty damn hilarious :)