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Passive Observer -- A "special" Kid -- Hitting Or Hurting Plants -- Anger & Redos


Jul 21, 2019
Near the Promised Land
I dun goofed. You can say that I went off track, but that implies I was on a track, I guess. Serotonin smiles? You look at me like I'm a TV? Sister crying and having attacks? Smashing head against the wall? Drugs? Family members fighting? The moon taunting me in my childhood dreams? The evil, sick, mutated creatures that drove horror down my spine constantly, while I remain alone and helpless in my mind of a prison, fearing and reveling in this strange sensation of seeing scary images in my mind's eye that I could not run from easily? What about the puff motion from the cigarettes being mimicked? The older, mean people who attacked the frail, pale one? Only in the first 12 years? Dead emotion from others -- stop scaring him!!! I tried to be tough so much, but all being tough taught me was how I weak I really am to a degree at least.

It's said that those with a little "magic" to their experiences are crazy -- or maybe artists -- or etc.

In essence I thought manifesting "insanity" would be a good tool since it implies I'd be smart enough to have awareness over actions deemed as potentially "crazy" while still having the will/power to hide/conceal them as I see fit. It's a balance/fine line between knowing you are "insane" and being able to deal with this knowledge alone (or, well, you know, as alone as reading this would count as).

Well, I basically over-stressed today. I just pounded down the sugar + milk compulsively (at least it's an improvement in the binge eating -- I'm binge eating better stuff I think than I would time ago).

That might be the issue -- the stress then the compulsiveness and then the recklessness/melting point. I can't tell you how many times melting/boiling points have been reached -- only because I do not know anyways.

I sometimes "slip" -- but my slips involve tree hurting sometimes (I almost felt like tearing/crying and have before, but in rare breaks/splits/etc.) and speaking with inanimate objects out of anger or joy even. I try and keep this nonsense away -- but I guess within and in certain contexts the worst of you can rise no matter what methods you try to keep them away. I remember one time I took aspirin and started reminiscing on past events and got angry -- and other times aspirin made me feel like I was living again and not exactly hanging on the brink of death.

I had an idea that I'm a test -- a special breed -- an observer. I am given the power to know I am imprisoned, but cannot escape the prison. I can evaluate others, but they are only "real" in so far that they are somewhat tangible -- not really provably real in that they are feeling and experiencing as I am/can.

It becomes too much to look around and realize you have nothing. It's easy to try and be suave or surf through -- but ultimately the truth just surfaces from time to time. I get tired of the same message that comes about -- but at the same time I can deal with it, but do not want to forever. How can I escape a prison that's impossible to escape? After all a prison I could escape would have been escaped from so long ago -- the fact that one remains in misery even when they've conceded that their will can get them past it is a permanent element it seems. As of now I observe my observance, but cannot detach myself from a sense of passivity or activity of my being.

You can't "grow" as a person -- it's like a hurdle one cannot jump. You try and do more, but it ends up being less in a sense. You feel you need more than the nothing you are in a sense, but ironically nothing you do gives you any "more" of a thing -- it's like a permanence in position that "comes with the territory" of being a special, exclusive breed of being? Stuck in a prison of different layers -- what did I do to deserve this?

Roller coasters of stress, confusion, anger, melting, chaotic mental breaks, splitting and rinsing + repeating. It's like a cycle or spellbind that you can't see why you're in or how to even deal with it, but you just do. How do I just do it? Just the PUFA being lower and the bearing of past suffering and etc.? Maybe I am here to view the world, but unable to truly live in it? Ironic, right? Living but not truly alive -- it's like an ultimate curse that you can feel and be confined in eternally, but with no way to break free. I am a projection? Soulless? An observer of truth or other projections? A true and real being around an illusion? An experiment? Just not whole? Gifted by some Gods/supernatural being? I really do not know!

To the mark perfectly: the pacing, lost in the mind, swinging fists and unable to make sense out of anything. Why can't I just be whole? Complete? Usable? Efficient enough? Valued enough? I don't even know what I want for sure, but I know I don't really have it. The spellbind comes in gusto -- then fades and leaves you an empty shell of nothingness/confusion. Eventually, sure, I sort of "come back" in a way (depending on context/social factors) but I always know it's possible to fall back in the cycle, and it almost always happens due to stress, anger, etc.

My friend cypro maybe can help me, as my healing process from sickness not too long ago consisted of aspirin and diphenhydramine, which rendered me in a partial sense of youth; hyper-nourishment; just feeling alive and young again given all of the factors. But I cannot seem to stay in that state forever, but want to know I am at a point where falling in to the low states is virtually impossible. It is like balancing on a tight rope for hours, weeks, years; boom: then you fall and feel like you have to start over.

It's just tough being lost in your mind and alone, but it's tough to get past it when you are "special" -- and unfortunately not in a superhero like way. The spell clocks out now, but I believe this might result in a nightmare followed by a dopey after-glow the following day (possibly from supplements/drugs) -- no guarantees though. I have even forgotten the stuff I've taken throughout the day -- it's like a blur and sometimes hard to piece it together which isn't exactly to my detriment. I guess when the "special" traits lie within you it's a matter of how you choose to carry these such qualities. But since I am out of ideas it's time to maybe cut the banana trees down and relinquish the evil as I see fit, whether or not the evil has a soul, face or purpose. When you're lost and need to cut the cord it's almost like a battle between nonsense and perfect understanding -- but a blend too much or shift in either direction too greatly can be catastrophic. It is in limbo -- a constant suffering and rest that sometimes shifts more to one side than the other as well, but the beast won't sleep long enough yet. Keep the beast out? I know I must, but I am that beast and the "special" within might just be the beast itself trying to find purpose in a knee-jerk, bug-minded fashion -- while the potential or alternative of course is stuck between a pattern of confusion and anger on repeat, rinse washing or roughing the edges of something that clearly can't shine in its own right.

So shut the doors on your interest or appeal -- it's clearly time for me to de-shadow myself of sorts. I feel aged and somehow youthful at the same time sometimes -- like I'm shaken/unbalanced; not whole. How do I feel more whole; complete? I'm like a mess; disjointed. Why do I have to be the wrong kind of normal for the sake of a fitting image -- even if a wrong one? Identity issues have always been prevalent -- for example, how should I act?

I've always felt an obvious element of my identity to have gotten lost at some point; missing you could say. How far I've steered away willingly I can't say, but I know I'm not whole. I know that -- when around some people -- I steer away quickly in a guided-like force/stress response to fit in. Interestingly making an effort to socialize can feel like being a phony -- but doing what would naturally come would result in you being a wacko who is penalized, judged and taken away by the white suits? So I am forced to be normal, but cannot even be whole. Ha! The round-about of things is so appealing, but looks like it's time for me to clock out and go stare at cabbage or something (I don't have any though). Well, at least I know you can see an essence of me here, as there are fragments of me in various places -- let them all know I want to be whole, okay?
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