Nova: The Very Far Off Broadway Not-Musical

[Blossom]

You know I've been trying to figure out this mystery diagnosis...

The endocrinologist could very likely be right on the diagnosis but that doesn't mean your prognosis is necessarily set in stone. There are so many possibilities worth exploring that medicine can't offer due to the nature of the system.

It's understandable that it's been a challenge coming to grips with the new knowledge about your condition. I think it's taken me close to five years to really get a handle on having celiac disease and that's pretty minor. I swear I had some PTSD and anorexia in the past from being sick for over 40 years just from eating what everyone around me ate!

I think it's perfectly normal for it to take a while to process everything that comes along with learning one has a 'chronic disease' and navigating how to live the best life possible. Not to mention you see the past in a whole new light!
Good luck to you Nova.

 

[Nova]

You know I've been trying to figure out this mystery diagnosis...

"Something is not right with me, how was I supposed to know?"

Note: This is a post that I threw together from notes on my phone. Excuse the weirdness of formatting. Mystery Diagnosis, no more.

So I went through the stacks of papers that my endo's office sent me last month. I flipped out upthread about the diagnostic insignificance note the first go round and sat it aside to revisit later when I wasn't so pissed. I decided to go through it again after writing about my supposed condition. Many things were revealed.

In fact, my enzyme levels were actually elevated, not low, prior to starting HRT. Too high to garner a diagnosis of the first condition that I talked about in my previous post. Hence diagnostic insignificance in regards to that particular condition. My condition is actually caused by an overproduction of the hormone coded for on that gene. CRAAAAAAAAZY.

I have another genetic issue. Joy oh joy. Just when I was starting to think I had figured this ***t out.

I can see where I may have gotten confused. The conditions and genes have very similar names and are both within the same family of disorders. Without reading all of the paperwork, I didn't have the full explanation to begin with. Lesson learned. Always freaking read everything, all the way through.

TECHNICAL DEFINITION:

"21-hydroxylase deficiency is an inherited disorder that affects the adrenal glands. The adrenal glands are located on top of the kidneys and produce a variety of hormones that regulate many essential functions in the body. In people with 21-hydroxylase deficiency, the adrenal glands produce excess androgens, which are male sex hormones." Source: 21-hydroxylase deficiency

Now this: (Congenital adrenal hyperplasia due to 21-hydroxylase deficiency - Wikipedia) actually explains my symptoms and history.

-Precocious (early) puberty? CHECK!
-Hirsutism? MEGA-CHECK!
-Acne? CHECK!
-Anovulation? PARTIAL CHECK, since I went into menopause at 25 and went 5 years without cycles. I suspect that my cycles are currently anovulatory and it is possible that I haven't ever ovulated. I know that I didn't ovulate while on HRT.
-Clitoromegaly CHECK. A unique side effect and an occasional perk.
-Short stature. NO CHECK. I'm 5'7. I have a feeling that I could have been taller though. My grandmothers were both around 6ft. I have several female cousins and aunts who are tall as well.

Yet my endo still didn't issue an official diagnosis. I'm still labeled as PCOS on the books.

Why? Because my condition is considered to be a form PCOS caused by a specific enzymatic deficiency. This deficiency causes excess production of androgens, and can also cause excess production of insulin, lowered production of E2 (estradiol) and lowered production of cortisol. (The latter three do not present in all cases, but happen to be present in mine. Lucky me.)

Looking back, the signs are all there. All of the times I felt mixed up, like a boy in a girl's body, the explosiveness, the extreme body hair, the acne, all of that was excess androgens. The insulin resistance, the hypoglycemic attacks, that's the excess insulin and the havoc it wreaks. The lack of cycles, my not-so-feminine appearance, that was the low estrogen. My inability to handle stress, the nervous breaks, that was insufficient cortisol.

******What follows below is probably TMI for most folks. Click on the box that says "Spoiler" below to read with caution advised.******

Spoiler

The end take of medical professionals (not just my endo, but a few others who have had the pleasure of seeing me in a clinical setting over the years) is that there is also some degree of virilization present in my ladyish bits as well. "evidence of stunted genital development, probable stage 1 virilization", says so the notes on record from my gynocologist. What does that mean?

It means that my ladybits are underdeveloped. I could have told them that. It isn't normal for doctors to have to use pediatric gyno exam kits for an adult woman. My primary physician ripped me trying to use a standard kit during my last lady exam. I kept telling her, "Get a pediatric kit, for ****'s sake. You're hurting me!" She was like "Uh, almost there..." for like 20 minutes!

Tampons are a joke for me. I can barely get them in and when I do, it hurts like hell. I can't get them where they need to be, I guess. So I can feel them and it is very painful. My attempts at a hetro sex life have been awful. Even my pencil-dicked college boyfriend couldn't get it all the way in without making me tear and bleed.

It doesn't really matter which gene is screwed up or what is wonky in my hormoneverse. I'm not normal and never will be. It is what it is. I'm accepting it and moving on.

Technically, I'm intersexed on some level. Physically female, hormonally male. My body seems to prefer to produce testosterone instead of estrogen. Recently, I've been having some symptoms that I believe may be related to testosterone-wonk.

I sweat A LOT. My body odor is vile. I now understand why some guys douse themselves in Axe. My facial hair is coming in darker and faster than it did before I phased off of estrogen. So is my leg hair. And there's the acne that seems to migrate on a semi-weekly basis. It was under my arms, then my right thigh, then my chest, then my back, and now it's on my forehead and the patch on my thigh is back with reinforcements. Whoo freakin' hoo. Viva la puberty!

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Since I'm not sure that I can explain the specifics of my condition, I'm going to list some direct quotes from articles I found online below. The excerpts are in quotes to make skimming easier.

SPECIFICS
(All of the following quotes were taken from: Polycystic Ovary Syndrome | GLOWM)

"Defects in steroidogenic enzymes comprise the spectrum of congenital adrenal hyperplasia (CAH). The incomplete form of 21-hydroylase deficiency is most common and the clinical presentation most likely mimics PCOS. The typical features include severe hirsutism, clitoromegaly, irregular menstrual cycles, and short stature. The disorder is heritable and transmitted by an autosomal recessive inheritance pattern. Morphologically, the ovaries are polycystic. A deficiency of 21-hydroxylase causes an accumulation of 17-hydroxyprogesterone and increased androgen production..."

"Both obese and nonobese women with PCOS exhibit insulin resistance and release increased quantities of insulin in response to a standard glucose challenge compared with weight-matched eumenorrheic women. The degree of insulin resistance is subtle and not infrequently fasting insulin levels are normal. However, a normal fasting insulin level does not preclude the existence of insulin resistance. While women with PCOS are generally euglycemic there is convincing evidence that they are at risk for subsequent development of type 2 diabetes mellitus. In vitro testing reveals that insulin receptor number and binding are normal; however, an alteration in activation of the insulin receptor inhibits the action of insulin. Insulin signaling is conveyed through tyrosine phosphorylation of its receptor. In PCOS women, the insulin receptor is serine phosphorylated which causes insulin resistance and compensatory hyperinsulinemia. As discussed subsequently, abnormalities of insulin secretion may have a key role in the pathophysiology of PCOS."

"The precise mechanism by which PCOS occurs has not been established. Current studies suggest that excess androgen production may induce polycystic ovarian morphology and perpetuate the endocrine disruption of this disorder. It has been shown that monkeys treated with subcutaneous androgen implants exhibited changes in ovarian morphology, such as increased size, thickened capsule, and increased numbers of follicles, that were not dissimilar to the ovaries observed in women with PCOS. These findings are relevant to the description of ovaries found in hyperandrogenic women with 21-hydroxylase deficiency and female to male transsexuals treated with chronic, high-dose androgens."

"If hyperandrogenemia is pivotal to the pathophysiology of PCOS, then the mechanism by which androgen excess occurs is critical. Previous studies have clearly demonstrated that the theca cell is the primary source for androgen production in this disorder. In addition to increased LH secretion, the theca cell also exhibits increased responsiveness to LH stimulation. The mechanism involves increased 17-hydroxylase activity which enhances conversion of progesterone to 17-hydroxyprogesterone. This steroidogenic enzyme is encoded by the gene, CYP17, which also encodes for 17-20 lyase, the enzyme that advances conversion of 17-hydroxyprogesterone to androstenedione. In PCOS women, 17-hydroxyprogesterone responses to GnRH agonist stimulation were markedly higher than those of normal women, whereas androstenedione and testosterone responses were not clearly distinct. Moreover, GnRH-stimulated 17-hydroxyprogesterone levels in PCOS were commensurate with those of normal men. The results strongly suggest that a primary defect of theca cell function also comprises the mechanism of androgen excess in PCOS. Moreover, 17-hydroxyprogesterone has become the “marker” hormone for provocative testing that assesses the capacity of the ovary to produce androgens.

As previously mentioned, the bioavailability of testosterone is dependent on SHBG. Decreases in serum SHBG are seen in women with hyperinsulinemia and hyperandrogenism. In women with PCOS, these conditions may coexist and amplify the clinical manifestations of excess androgen production..."

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NOTEWORTHY TIDBITS

Nearly all mammals display sex-dimorphic reproductive and sexual behavior (e.g., lordosis and mounting in rodents). Much research has made it clear that prenatal and early postnatal androgens play a role in the differentiation of most mammalian brains. Experimental manipulation of androgen levels in utero or shortly after birth can alter adult reproductive behavior.

Girls and women with CAH constitute the majority of genetic females with normal internal reproductive hormones who have been exposed to male levels of testosterone throughout their prenatal lives. Milder degrees of continuing androgen exposure continue throughout childhood and adolescence as a consequence of the imperfections of current glucocorticoid treatment for CAH. The psychosexual development of these girls and women has been analyzed as evidence of the role of androgens in human sex-dimorphic behaviors.

Girls with CAH have repeatedly been reported to spend more time with "sex-atypical" toys and "rough-and-tumble" play than unaffected sisters. These differences continue into adolescent, as expressed in social behaviors, leisure activities, and career interests. Interest in babies and becoming mothers is significantly lower by most measures.

Cognitive effects are less clear, and reports have been contradictory. Two studies reported spatial abilities above the average for sisters and for girls in general. Other evidence in males with and without androgen deficiencies suggests that androgens may play a role in these aptitudes.

However, gender identity of girls and women with CAH is nearly always unequivocally female. Sexual orientation is more mixed, though the majority are heterosexual. In one study, 27% of women with CAH were rated as bisexual in their orientations. Abnormalities of body image due to the effects of the disease likely play a role in the sexual development of these women, and one cannot conclude that the androgens are the major determinant of their sexuality.

SOURCE: Congenital adrenal hyperplasia due to 21-hydroxylase deficiency - Wikipedia

Meyer-Bahlburg (1999) noted that women with classic CAH (I have the non-classic form but feel this may apply to me, somewhat) have relatively low fertility rates. The author stated that the largest clinic population was studied by Mulaikal et al. (1987), who studied 80 women with classic 21-hydroxylase deficiency who were evenly split into the SV and SW forms. Half of the women were not heterosexually active. Those who were heterosexually active nevertheless appeared to have low fertility. Among the 25 SV women who reported both adequate vaginal reconstruction and heterosexual activity, the fertility rate was 60%. Among the 15 SW women with both adequate introitus and heterosexual activity, the fertility rate was only 7%; a single pregnancy was reported and that ended in an elective termination. Meyer-Bahlburg (1999)reviewed the various physical and behavioral factors that could account for the observed low rates of child bearing. SOURCE: OMIM Entry - # 201910 - ADRENAL HYPERPLASIA, CONGENITAL, DUE TO 21-HYDROXYLASE DEFICIENCY

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So yeah, it's a lot to take in. I went from thinking that I was just a woman with some weird genetic thing and severe PCOS to finding out that maybe I'm not a normal female at all. And my whole life is filled with these off-moments, times where I felt and thought that that I was not like others...and I know why now.

I'm unsure of how much to post about my issues here though, because some of them are very dark and strange. Also because I've struggled with some really deep identity issues over the years. I currently have little interest in salting old wounds. Maybe I need to, though, in order to heal them once and for all.

 

[Blossom]

Thanks for sharing more details Nova, that would be a lot to wrap your mind around!
Sorry, I'm a bit fuzzy on the timeline but did you know about the CAH when you first started reading Peat or were you still thinking PCOS at that point?

 

[Nova]

Sorry, I'm a bit fuzzy on the timeline but did you know about the CAH when you first started reading Peat or were you still thinking PCOS at that point?

I knew that I had a genetic issue, but my endo and my primary were both saying that PCOS was the root issue and that the genetic issue was secondary. The treatments for PCOS and the form of CAH that I have are very similar. In most cases, the treatments work and the women are restored to some level of functionality and/or restored fertility.

I didn't really think too much about the CAH (didn't even know that's what I had, honestly). The doctors were telling me that it wasn't important, just take these meds and then my endo started me on HRT after a year of no improvements on the medications. At least we were addressing my menopause. I was 26 at the time and really freaking out because I knew that something wasn't right.

When I first discovered Peat, I was just thinking that I had severe PCOS. I went into this thinking that if I replaced my old estrogen-based HRT with Peat-style progesterone-based HRT, I'd see some improvements. Also if I lost some weight, I knew that would help my cause too.

Weight loss was #1. I was going to go right into Peat-style HRT ASAP. Then the theft of my savings happened and I am still dealing with that. I knew that if I went too long without some sort of hormone replacement, things were going to get effed quickly. I've ridden this rodeo before.

At 21, I went off of birth control and all of my anti-depressants. I also had a drug abuse issue at that time and quit that cold turkey as well. After a few months, I began to experience things similar to what I'm going through now. It wasn't as difficult then though. I was younger and had an awesome SO who supported me through it all.

Right now, I'm concerned about having to deal with all of this puberty-tastic bs in my 30s. I didn't plan on having to deal with this testosterone-wonk again. Some parts of it can be awesome, but other parts are not so awesome. I remember the freak outs I had when I experienced having a libido for the first time at 21-22 years of age. Teh angst was strong, lol. I laugh about it now, but back then I freaked out so bad that I became a Jesus freak and spent 4 years trying to mute my sexual desires with the Bible.

So much to process...

 

[Blossom]

So much to process..

Definitely. It's seems like from a Peat perspective progesterone would be important. I'm thinking your ovaries have failed if you were treated for menopause in your twenties?
Have you ever emailed Peat to see what he thinks about CAH?
I know nothing about the condition other than what you have told me but it makes me wonder if some of the meds typically used don't cause more problems than the condition itself? Or if there are ways to lessen the side effects of those meds you feel are necessary?
I wish I had more to offer Nova. It might sound ridiculous to say this but I hope you know that you really are a valuable person with much to contribute regardless of this condition. Hang in there.

 

[Nova]

Definitely. It's seems like from a Peat perspective progesterone would be important. I'm thinking your ovaries have failed if you were treated for menopause in your twenties?
Have you ever emailed Peat to see what he thinks about CAH?
I know nothing about the condition other than what you have told me but it makes me wonder if some of the meds typically used don't cause more problems than the condition itself? Or if there are ways to lessen the side effects of those meds you feel are necessary?
I wish I had more to offer Nova. It might sound ridiculous to say this but I hope you know that you really are a valuable person with much to contribute regardless of this condition. Hang in there.

Progesterone is important. However, I know that I have some issues with the way that my body processes it. In a healthy woman, progesterone becomes 17-OH progesterone, then it becomes sex steroids like estrogen and testosterone, and glucocorticoids like cortisol. In women like me, there is an abundance of 17-OH progesterone (normal male levels) and the adrenals and ovaries turn that into androgens instead of channeling into the estrogen pathway. I've just started to learn about this stuff in recent times though, so I'm no expert and I may getting some or most of this screwed up.

Have my ovaries failed? I know that my right ovary is not functioning. That is an ongoing issue. That's been the case since I was 19, so I've written it off. My left ovary was cystic but had some level of function at my last exam in 2015. I've had 2 cycles in 2016, so I'm thinking that there is some hope there. C'mon, lefty! :P

No, I've not emailed Peat. I'm not sure that there is really any help that can be given in cases like mine. What should have worked didn't. I'm not sure what I will do, what my goals are, at this moment in time. Jmho, I think I need to be in a place of stronger clarity before I consult with Peat.

I had adverse reactions to most of the meds that I was placed on. I don't blame the doctors for that; there's no way to know if a person is going to take well to a medication until they've been on it for awhile. It is what it is. I don't feel that any of the medications except Progesterone are necessary. I may consider trying glucocorticoids again in the future if I think that they'll help.

You don't have to have anything to offer, Blossom. The conversation is enough, I think. This back and forth is helping me to process things and that's what I need to be doing. Not all problems are easily solved and there is no one path for everyone to follow anyway.

 

[Nova]

Processing...yeah, it's that season for me. I've been reeling since I found out about my condition. A lot of ugly crap that I had buried ten feet under concrete is starting to resurface. So much for the years spent sprawled on the therapist's couch...

I said I wasn't going to post personal dirt anymore, but I gotta get this out. It's raw insight into my life, into my being. Take that for what it is and try not to judge. That's all I ask.

**************


"You don't see me at all..."

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***I should note here that my experiences and sentiments in the following posts do not necessarily match those of other women with this disorder. Most women with this disorder do not question their gender or sexuality nor do they experience the same levels of rage, violence and so on. Those things are unique to me, AFAIK. ***

This is only the beginning...

For much of my life, I've been different. Not just in appearance, but in essence. I played rough, wasn't really into "girl" things after the age of 7 or so. I started puberty then, probably had elevated testosterone levels.

As I got older, things started getting weird. I was into motocross and BMX. I had a fanatical obsession with a certain superhero franchise that followed me into adulthood. I didn't like boys. I got deeply involved in the heavy metal scene as a teenager. I couldn't really relate to other girls because I just wasn't like them. I was very awkward in social situations and was unsure about my sexuality.

I experienced what I call "emotional compression". I didn't feel things like a girl would/should. I kept things to myself, then I'd explode suddenly. I earned the nickname "She Hulk" among my friends because I was well-known for going into destructive rages. Flipping tables, throwing things, punching walls, getting into fights.

I was big, strong, angry and violent. Not very feminine either. I felt uncomfortable anytime I had to be in true girl-mode. Truthfully, I always felt wrong about being feminine. Femininity is just not me. I remember throwing hellacious fits whenever my parents would make me wear dresses as a child. I wanted to dress like a boy and by the time I was 10-11, I had pretty much won the battle there. I took a lot of flack for that at school. Even my sisters were rude about it.

Prom was traumatic for me. Donning a dress and makeup was so anti-me. I felt so wrong about it that I couldn't bring myself to smile in the pictures, despite standing next to a really beautiful girl whom I cared for a great deal.

I couldn't explain to others how restrictive and wrong it felt to me to be feminine. I couldn't explain how my body was different, awkward, not girlish. My mom was no help. She was always like "This is a phase and one day you'll get over it." When I was still dressing like a guy in my 20s, she was like "One day, you'll meet someone special and you'll want to be a woman for him."

Recently, I talked to her about all of this and she was like "I never noticed anything different about you. I think your issues are all in your head." Damn lies. She turned her head to all of the signs and made me be "normal". She didn't want me to be who I was, couldn't face that I was different.

I go back and forth about being pissed at her and thinking that she did the best she could. No use in being angry now.

**************

I have always been somewhere in-between male and female, the two sides of my nature existing in conflict, with one side being suppressed while the other was depressed. When I was on HRT, taking estrogen, the angry, violent side of my half-masculinity diminished and I was decidedly more pleasant to be around when I wasn't a total black cloud of doom. Since coming off of the estrogen, I've noticed that not-so-pleasant rage-y side of me coming back.

I punched the kitchen table and cracked it a few weeks ago during a telephone argument with my younger sister. An episode of rage-stomping the dishwasher door means that I am currently doing dishes by hand since I stomped it hard enough to destroy the electric panel in the door. I threw my phone across the living room one night because YouTube wouldn't load and broke the case. Got pissed about that, so I put the pieces in a bag, took it outside, and set it all on fire. Who does that?

Damn testosterone. It's not all bad though. I just have to learn how to deal with it for awhile. I think that my spazziness is not so much that I can't control my emotions as it is that I'm overwhelmed by them. I try to write things out or talk them out but I have a lot of difficulty expressing the true nature of what is bothering me. My initial reactions are almost always of the angry variety. I feel insulted, ignored or pissed, I try to compress the intensity of those feelings because it is not normative for someone who exists in a feminine role to be "that way", they build and build, turning into a rage that manifests as an angry and/or spastic rant or worse, an enraged and sometimes violent outburst.

I get relief afterwards, relax, and then I find myself remorseful. I have a history of scaring people and destroying relationships with this sort of toxic bull****. I will usually apologize and/or try to justify whatever happened after the fact. Sometimes that is not enough.

**************

This is heavy. Deep. Personal. Definitely hard to relate to. I'm still in the early stages of processing it all. I finally have answers. I know the whys. I've found a part of my identity that I've been searching for since childhood.

What to do with it, that's the question. Which path do I follow? The answers only lead to more questions. I'm a strange two-spirited explosion in the sky. I will figure things out eventually. I find that the deepest darkness often paves the way for the brightest light.

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Happy Givings Of Thanks To All Who May Be Celebrating A Corporatist Fairytale Tomorrow! :)

 

[Blossom]

My left ovary was cystic but had some level of function at my last exam in 2015.

My left ovary was my good one too. I had to have my right one removed. I guess that makes us left ovary sisters.

I've found a part of my identity that I've been searching for since childhood.

I'm happy some things are finally making sense for you.

 

[Nova]

My left ovary was my good one too. I had to have my right one removed. I guess that makes us left ovary sisters.

I'm happy some things are finally making sense for you.

Left ovary sisters? Sure, why not?

I hope that I can make sense of things at some point. Finding out about my condition has sent me into a dark place, in some ways. I'm realizing that my dissatisfaction is rooted in things much deeper than my weight. I had this linear perspective that the main reason I was depressed and my life sucked was because of my obesity. Now, I see that there have been some things going on under the surface for a very long time. Simmering away, the pot boils over if left unattended...

I have been simmering for years. I'm on the verge of boiling over. Turn down the heat and put a lid on me, stat! That's what I used to do, put a lid on things, contain my emotions, drag onward into another day of willful oblivion and outright denial. Do what has to be done for the sake of doing it for someone else.

If I were wise, I would have dealt with these gender and sexuality issues the first time around. All of this same stuff hit me like a train in my early 20s after I quit taking the birth control and anti-depressants. (This was way before I started seeing specialists or found out about the CAH.) At the time, I was involved with the church and was made to feel like there was something deeply wrong with me for even asking questions or expressing desires that ran contrary to what we were taught about gender roles and the rest.

That didn't stop from trying to find a balance though. I seriously considered transitioning for a couple of years and took supplements, worked out and did the Primal diet with the end result of increasing masculinization (not really a word) in mind. Experienced some great results, was really living my life for over a year. Looking back, I should have stuck with it and told my family and the other people in my life who didn't approve to eff off.

But I didn't. Instead, I started compressing my emotions, threw myself into my pattern of excessive caregiving and self-sacrifice, and gave up on being happy and living life on my terms.

*****************

Now I'm here and I'm back at square one, trying to figure out where to go from here. I will see my path soon, just have to have the courage and strength to follow it.

 

[Blossom]

I seriously considered transitioning for a couple of years

I was thinking about this and it doesn't seem like your typical transition situation because IIUC you already have both male and female hormones and characteristics. It seems more a matter of choosing to embrace the side that is strongest within you.

 

[Nova]

I was thinking about this and it doesn't seem like your typical transition situation because IIUC you already have both male and female hormones and characteristics. It seems more a matter of choosing to embrace the side that is strongest within you.

IMHO, there are no such things as male and female hormones. We all have testosterone, estrogen, progesterone, etc in our bodies. Male and female are only matters of degree, not absolute states of being. Labeling testosterone as male and estrogen and progesterone as female...well, those are just simplifications of complex situations to me. What exists is varying states of dominance and ranges of normality and optimal health according to measurements. Which even within small communities such as this, there is disagreement over what constitutes optimal and normative.

What is a typical transition situation? I believe that many transpeople have underlying genetic and/or hormonal issues that cause them to be the way that they are. Willingly choosing this sort of identity crisis seems like madness to me. So what drives it? Something deeper, I believe. It's a peculiar nagging pain that never goes away. The sacrifices that one has to make to set things right within themselves...are some of the biggest sacrifices that anyone has to make. Erasing the past, rewriting the future, dealing with the judgments...too much to compute.

I do agree that it is a matter of choosing to embrace the side that is strongest within me. However, there are high personal costs if I choose to embrace my masculine side. There were reasons why I quit pursuing that path the first time around, y'know? I got to a certain point and I knew that if I continued down that path...I'd lose my family. Some people can give up on their blood, some people can't. I'm one of those who couldn't. I wasn't mentally strong enough to tell my family to eff off.

Somehow, I thought it would be best if I just let it go, pretended that it was something I struggled with but overcame and now it's not an issue...but I realize now, it always has been an issue. I'm divided at the core of who I am and living such an existence is very taxing. The lingering stress from being so divided...it's a real killer.

But lately I've been thinking, maybe my natural state is more masculine than I'd like to admit. I've tried for years to suppress that side of myself. I spent thousands of dollars on laser hair removal after I grew a beard. I ran out of money or else I'd have had all my body hair removed as well. It's humiliating to live as a woman, but to have all of this extra hair where it shouldn't be. My voice has changed over the years too. I have to really focus on sounding feminine and the last year or so, it has become increasingly difficult for me to get my voice into feminine ranges. I get sirred a lot on the phone and sometimes in person as well. Which sucks since I'm still a woman, or so I like to think.

I need to caffeinate my brain. ***t is gettin' deeeeeeeeep up in hurr!

************

PS - Thanks for taking the time to deal with my crazy lately. I would sing you the "awesome mod" song. Not sure it's appropriate for this forum though.

 

[Blossom]

PS - Thanks for taking the time to deal with my crazy lately. I would sing you the "awesome mod" song. Not sure it's appropriate for this forum though.

You're obliged to not like me because I'm in some mythical authoritarian role here. Just kidding.
It sounds like a difficult predicament for sure because it seems like know you must choose between your true self and your family. I won't even pretend to know what that would be like. I got maybe a very small taste of it when I chose to recover from my eating disorder and received a lot of pressure to change back into the old docile, emaciated person I used to be but certainly nothing of the magnitude that you face. Although I did lose a couple long standing relationships which hurt a great deal. You do have my empathy and best wishes though FWIW.

 

[Nova]

You're obliged to not like me because I'm in some mythical authoritarian role here. Just kidding.

Mega lolz. Mythical authoritarian role...

It sounds like a difficult predicament for sure because it seems like know you must choose between your true self and your family. I won't even pretend to know what that would be like.

This is very much the case for me. My family does not and probably never will accept me for who I am. I've known this for a very long time. I chose to ignore that reality because I wanted very much to go with the flow. When you don't go with the flow in my family, the consequences are quite severe. I received lots of physical punishments as a child and as a teenager for upsetting the flow of family life.

I watched my parents cut two of my sisters out of the family over the years. My parents are not supportive, loving types. If you go against my father's views of "how things ought to be"...he freaks out and then he washes his hands of you like you never existed. He will endlessly ***t-talk you to what is left of the extended family and will do his absolute best to drive you into a dark depression where killing yourself seems preferable to continuing to live a shadowed existence.

That's precisely what he did to my other sister who is still a member of the family. She's just a vacant shell of a woman who has given up on life. I just got through talking to her, actually. She's in a dark place and all she thinks about is "what if Dad cuts me out of the family?"

And I'm like "Who gives a **** if he does?" I'm really feeling like I have to get away from him if I ever want to be myself and have a life on my own terms. That means leaving my mom behind though and that's the hard thing. She needs me, he's mean to her and has alienated most of her friends and all of her side of the family with his bull**** over the years. But I can't stick around and let him drive me into the ground...

I'm in a grand personal pickle, it seems.

***************

I must embrace the truth or let it go.

Embracing the side that is strongest within me means accepting that I will never be like other women. In some crucial ways, I will remain different. I know what it is to fight against this side of myself because I fought it for most of my life without ever really knowing what I was fighting against. I have no desire to fight anymore.

Yet the accepting embrace means that I have to come clean about things that I thought I was through with. It means brutal honesty and possible exclusion from my family. It means being alone and building a new life apart from the excessive caregiving and self-sacrifice that has become my shield in recent years. Embracing this side of me means giving up on vain hopes of a normal future, the future that was lauded in the church and the future that I thought I wanted.

Giving up on the vision that was the deepest impetus for this healing journey is a hard thing for me. When you stop chasing rainbows and start seeing dead unicorns, that's when reality has hit hard.

Letting go means that I have to act as if the truth of this condition can be overcome. I'm not sure that's true. If it were true, the experiments in my 20s would have fixed it. Natural Transition would have helped me to make peace with my masculine side and I would have eventually figured my gender identity issues out. Or HRT would have made an honest woman of me and I wouldn't be writing about my issues today. I'd just be another lady with lady-themed struggles. Which is what I wanted to be in the first place. Denial of the failures of the past was the way in which I coped with the disappointments and was also the basis of my hopes.

If it were just one thing, I could fix it and move on. But it's many things and not just physical things that I can address through diet or hormones or isolating myself in a low stress environment for awhile. My issues aren't going to disappear, no matter how deeply I bury them. The only way out is through.

Either way, my focus has to be on working with my body, not against it. Can I use my condition to my advantage in some ways? I could one day be a healthy, vital person. That won't happen if I throw in the towel over a faulty gene and the trauma of my past.

***************

That's where I'm at on a Friday afternoon in the chilly wastelands where people drive through as quickly as possible because the past has a way catching up to you in the flatlands...

 

[Nova]

Musical Stylings:



This is worship music. Better than most you'll hear in an actual church. However, do not be deceived. Ghost is in no way a Christian band. Actually quite the opposite. I think that they do a better job of capturing the spirit of their lord in musical form than most Christians do of capturing theirs in musical form. Why that is, I can't really say. If more Christian bands / musicians could do the same, Christian music might actually be worth listening to, imho. I never enjoyed CCM or Christian rock or any of it really.

"The Earth was spinning all vacant and waste
And there was silence over the ocean
When a voice came thundering from above
The first day of light was in motion

And then the voice said may fruits be created
And seeds take root as they may
And no crimes were as yet committed
Life was breathing its second day

In his image this voice made a man
And a woman to love each other
They became the rulers of the world
And the third day was their mother"

"I will wipe from the face of the earth the human race I have created, and with them the animals
The birds and the creatures that move along the ground, for I regret that I have made them"

Powerful words. The first few verses are very worship-oriented. Somber, but so are a lot of worship songs that talk about blood and death and the cross and all of that. That final verse though...that's powerful. God's just gonna wipe us out like that in that weird Mark Twain claymation movie.

*************

I've been meta since my last post. I have some big decisions to make. I only have myself and my magical sky being of choice to get me through this, it seems.

I've been wrestling with gender and sexuality issues for most of my life. Never knew why until recently. I could never accept my differences. There was always something "wrong" with me and I hated that I couldn't just be like everyone else. I tried my hardest to change, to become what I was expected to be, or what I dreamt of being, or to embody some ideal that I was chasing. Rarely did I pause to consider whether or not I was being true to myself.

I wasn't being true to myself. I know that now. I wanted so badly to step into a new identity, one without all of the problems of the past, complete with magical healing and inner fulfillment, that I didn't give a damn if I had to lie to myself and everyone around me for all eternity in order to maintain it. Life based on lies is hardly living at all. It's just going through sets of motions and trying fake it until you make it.

I can't do that anymore. And that is potentially shattering, if I let it be. Which I'm trying not to let it be, at this moment. I keep thinking about the Bible, and these obscure verses in particular:

"...For what happens to the children of man and what happens to the beasts is the same; as one dies, so dies the other. They all have the same breath, and man has no advantage over the beasts, for all is vanity. All go to one place. All are from the dust, and to dust all return. Who knows whether the spirit of man goes upward and the spirit of the beast goes down into the earth?..." Ecclesiastes 3:19-20

"...the dust returns to the earth as it was, and the spirit returns to God who gave it..." Ecclesiastes 12:7

Dust is one of those curious things, isn't it? To me, dust is dirt, soil, microbes, minerals. That's the physical dust. There are parts in Genesis that talk about God breathing life into dust and poof! instant human. I usually laugh a bit when I come across people talking about their gut bacteria or other such topics because to me, there's nothing revolutionary about such things. We are dust. At our core, we are nothing but walking amalgamations of bacteria and minerals held together by electricity and water. Human beings are no more complex than many other mammals and are far less complex than some other lifeforms.

All that we do on our health journeys is aim to improve the functioning of our dust-based selves. Kill some bacteria, encourage others to flourish. Supplement some minerals, flush out others. Improve the electric signals, rewire our brains and bodies. Drink more water or less water, hydrate the system. Cleanse, bathe, rinse, repeat. Put mud on your skin, eat dirt, eat charcoal, whatever...embrace your dustiness and you'll be closer to optimal.

We aren't some pinnacle or apex of creation. We just ARE. Once we were dust and to dust we shall return. Some of us will be healthy dust, some of us not-so-healthy dust, but in the end, we are all dust. Doesn't matter if we're earth crust or space dust, we're still just particles adrift in some vastness beyond understanding.

*******************

I've come to an understanding within myself that this physical state is not what really matters. After all, it's just dust. From the ashes of the old, the new takes root and ascends towards the sky. That is how life works, consistent upward trajectory. If your trajectory deviates from an upward direction, you're either stagnating or declining and that is not life, IMHO.

How many people do we pass by in a day, not even giving a second glance, who may not be "as advertised"? I spent a lot of my misspent youth hanging out with the LGBT community and drag queens in particular. Some of whom were exquisitely gorgeous women...who weren't women at all. I've seen transgendered people from both sides of the spectrum who, if they hadn't have outed themselves...no one would have known. Just do a quick search on YouTube and you'll come across FtMs who used to be lovely looking ladies and MtFs who used to be dudely dudes.

Nothing about gender is set in stone, except your ability to reproduce. Even that can be challenged, as long as you're able and willing to use your standard issue equipment.

Gender is mostly physical. Also somewhat spiritual, I believe. The more I meditate and pray on this issue and how it pertains to me...the more I'm led to embrace whatever is going on with me. My body is merely a physical state, a mass of dust that can be reconfigured at will, with the appropriate knowledge and resources. There are few limitations there, only hesitations driven by fear. Fear of taking it "too far" and facing ostracism from my family. Fear of what the world will think. Fear of becoming like my father. Fear of ******* up.

This fear...well, I'm sick of it. I'm kicking it in the **** and shoving it out of a moving car onto the interstate. Hope an 18 wheeler runs it flat and mashes it into the pavement.

****************

The important thing (to me) is not my physical body, but my spiritual being. Two separate things, heavily intertwined. I know that not everyone believes in the existence of spiritual being. I haven't always believed in such things myself. It's only the last month or so that I've started exploring my spiritual side (whatever that means) again.

Which is exactly how this all began. I cannot believe in forces beyond when I'm taking estrogen of any form. Bizarre, but true. I only started exploring God and spirituality and all the rest the first time around in my early 20s after I came off the birth control and various other medications that I had been on since age 12.

I was "saved" at 22 and deep into Jesus for 4 years after. That whole time, I was completely off of all "female" hormones. Relating to people was much easier (although still a struggle at times). I was a much happier, hopeful person back then.

It was only after I stopped having cycles that I began to worry about my health. I sought professional medical help after all of the natural remedies recommended to me by my crunchy friends failed to do anything. That's when the rollercoaster started back up and thrashed me hard. In 2013, I started HRT and that's when my life really went off the rails.

I lost all hope, all faith and became this horrible, negative person. For 3 years, I was walking dead, basically. It was like someone turned off all of the lights in my mind and sucked my soul out of me. I had no joy, no passion.

Now...I think that my faith, hope, joy, passion...are returning. And that...is awesome.

However, the path I'm on looks nothing like I expected it to look. The person I'm becoming...is not the person I thought I'd be. And I think I'm okay with that now. No matter what happens with my physical body, whatever is beyond is what truly matters.

****************

Peace and positive vibes to all.

 

[Blossom]

Now...I think that my faith, hope, joy, passion...are returning. And that...is awesome.

That's so wonderful to read Nova.

 

[Nova]

Resurrection, I suppose that's the term that applies to me. A part of me that I buried long ago, was unearthed and it turns out there were other things that I had buried along with it.

Ironically, all of this happened around my birthday. So it's kind of like a rebirth experience too, on some level. I'm trying not to over-meta things though.

*****************

I also bought some new clothes (guy stuff!) yesterday. [ETA: I needed new clothes. Most of my old stuff no longer fits, not just because I'm having some sort of gender crisis. I've FINALLY went down in sizes! Celebration mode, on!]

Cleaned out my closet and dresser. Bagged up a bunch of stuff that I hated but wore because I was really trying to be feminine or whatever. Put the new stuff away and was...content? I don't know, some word like that. It was just like things were finally right.

Had another chat with mi madre too. This one went better than the last one. I think she understands some of what is going on and just wants me to be happy or closer to it. Or at least that is what I took from our conversation.

At any rate, I think I am doing better. Not that the storm has passed, but I think I'm going to ride this part of it out and be okay?

I'm starting to get ideas for where I'm going to go from here, hopefully some vision will come along soon. We shall see...

 

[Nova]

Today has been an awesome day.

As a writer, I'm always on the prowl for ideas and concepts for future projects. Lately, I've been in a desert as far as those things go. Some seasons are dry spells, sometimes droughts. Several ideas came to me early this morning, breaking my dry spell. The main idea that I've been searching for, has arrived at last! I'm stoked and looking forward to diving into this next month. Thinking of trying to hammer out at least one complete novel next year, maybe more.

The project that I worked on for NaNo was a series that I've been working on since 2013. The characters are like friends at this point. I keep going back to it, even though I say I'm done. This go round was mostly editing. I cut several filler chapters from the first and second books. Added more dialogue. Only ended up adding about 12k words to all novels total, which was disappointing.

I'm thinking of publishing the first book next year. Not sure yet.

The whole series has a theme of transgenderism. As I've worked on it this past month...I realize just how personal this project is to me. I know why I've kept going back to it. There was never any resolution to my internal gender storm. I merely pretended that I was "over it" and channeled all of the confusion, anger, angst, and the rest of it into the novels.

*******************

I'm also revisiting my first true love: heavy metal. Metal was the first deep passion that I had. I inherited a bunch of CDs from a cousin at age 11 and that's when I discovered the likes of Iron Maiden, Pantera, Slayer, and many other bands. I was drawn to it and throughout my teens and early 20s, metal was my thing. I listen to a lot of genres and appreciate most of them. Metal though...it's in me.

I quit listening to metal for awhile. It was one of the things that I laid upon the altar and sacrificed in the name of femininity. A bit dramatic, perhaps? Nonetheless, a truth of me. Well-meaning people were concerned about my love for such a brutal and masculine genre that glorifies violence and questions faith, history and politics in a brazen fashion. The pressure to conform to the standards of what is acceptable was great. I caved after a season of futility and these last 5-6 years, I've not listened to much metal outside of a few of my favorites.

Tonight I'm listening to great and underrated bands...



I used to own all of their albums. I've spoken about how I'm a fan of juxtaposition in music before and this is a prime example of what I call "melodic juxtaposition". The vocals contrast with music and there's a lot going on. Mostly I love the primary vocals because they are sung and not screamed or growled. Singing is not so common in most metal nowadays. JMHO, I think it takes more talent and guts to go this route in metal. The actual music is like a composition and there is some juxtaposition there too. It's not just a grinding guitar over some bangin' drums.



"...So the beast resides in me
Deep down I always knew
I never really did fit in
So diverse from all of you
Let him who comprehends
Know the number of the beast
It's a number of a man
A number just for me..."

Another band whose CDs did not survive my great metal purge of 2010, sadly. "Horror Show" is an excellent album, one of the very few on my short list of metal albums that I can listen to straight through. "Damien" was one of my favorite driving songs during my commute when I worked nights back then. Driving home at 6am was made infinitely better by Iced Earth.

I could go on all night about metal. My first real writing gig was for a metal/rock website. I used to go to shows all of the time, met a lot of bands, interviewed some interesting guys, reviewed plenty of albums and had an absolute blast. That was a great time in my life. Deep passion and absolute obsession, a great combination.

Yet another thing that I buried in the name of normalcy. Being normal is boring for me. How do people do it? Like how unexceptional do you have to be, to obtain normalcy? Grind all of the edges down into nothing, become a perfect circle, just rolling along. I can't do that. I've tried it and all it did for me was make me severely depressed. I lost myself in pursuit of whatever the hell normal is.

****************

Metal vibes to all on this fine night. \m/

 

[SQu]

Sounds like things are falling into place. I think you will go from strength to strength.

The whole series has a theme of transgenderism. As I've worked on it this past month...I realize just how personal this project is to me. I know why I've kept going back to it.

I was thinking you might do this. Think of being among the early writers to explore this (growing) issue! Could be huge.

This go round was mostly editing. I cut several filler chapters from the first and second books. Added more dialogue. Only ended up adding about 12k words to all novels total, which was disappointing.

How many words in total? I'm working on how to flesh out a book without the filler.

 

[Regina]

Mega lolz. Mythical authoritarian role...



This is very much the case for me. My family does not and probably never will accept me for who I am. I've known this for a very long time. I chose to ignore that reality because I wanted very much to go with the flow. When you don't go with the flow in my family, the consequences are quite severe. I received lots of physical punishments as a child and as a teenager for upsetting the flow of family life.

I watched my parents cut two of my sisters out of the family over the years. My parents are not supportive, loving types. If you go against my father's views of "how things ought to be"...he freaks out and then he washes his hands of you like you never existed. He will endlessly ***t-talk you to what is left of the extended family and will do his absolute best to drive you into a dark depression where killing yourself seems preferable to continuing to live a shadowed existence.

That's precisely what he did to my other sister who is still a member of the family. She's just a vacant shell of a woman who has given up on life. I just got through talking to her, actually. She's in a dark place and all she thinks about is "what if Dad cuts me out of the family?"

And I'm like "Who gives a **** if he does?" I'm really feeling like I have to get away from him if I ever want to be myself and have a life on my own terms. That means leaving my mom behind though and that's the hard thing. She needs me, he's mean to her and has alienated most of her friends and all of her side of the family with his bull**** over the years. But I can't stick around and let him drive me into the ground...

I'm in a grand personal pickle, it seems.

***************

I must embrace the truth or let it go.

Embracing the side that is strongest within me means accepting that I will never be like other women. In some crucial ways, I will remain different. I know what it is to fight against this side of myself because I fought it for most of my life without ever really knowing what I was fighting against. I have no desire to fight anymore.

Yet the accepting embrace means that I have to come clean about things that I thought I was through with. It means brutal honesty and possible exclusion from my family. It means being alone and building a new life apart from the excessive caregiving and self-sacrifice that has become my shield in recent years. Embracing this side of me means giving up on vain hopes of a normal future, the future that was lauded in the church and the future that I thought I wanted.

Giving up on the vision that was the deepest impetus for this healing journey is a hard thing for me. When you stop chasing rainbows and start seeing dead unicorns, that's when reality has hit hard.

Letting go means that I have to act as if the truth of this condition can be overcome. I'm not sure that's true. If it were true, the experiments in my 20s would have fixed it. Natural Transition would have helped me to make peace with my masculine side and I would have eventually figured my gender identity issues out. Or HRT would have made an honest woman of me and I wouldn't be writing about my issues today. I'd just be another lady with lady-themed struggles. Which is what I wanted to be in the first place. Denial of the failures of the past was the way in which I coped with the disappointments and was also the basis of my hopes.

If it were just one thing, I could fix it and move on. But it's many things and not just physical things that I can address through diet or hormones or isolating myself in a low stress environment for awhile. My issues aren't going to disappear, no matter how deeply I bury them. The only way out is through.

Either way, my focus has to be on working with my body, not against it. Can I use my condition to my advantage in some ways? I could one day be a healthy, vital person. That won't happen if I throw in the towel over a faulty gene and the trauma of my past.

***************

That's where I'm at on a Friday afternoon in the chilly wastelands where people drive through as quickly as possible because the past has a way catching up to you in the flatlands...

I say "**** 'em" Nova. Just be yourself. Disambiguate. You don't have to choose or discriminate. You just have to see. Maybe your dad is a narcissist. Okay. Observation noted. Just see it with an inexhaustible lamp. This is not judgement or discrimination. It's not either or. There really is no cognitive dissonance. The world is full of multiplicities. It's not always best to wheel your cart into dogma; it can just end up in a ditch. Wheel your cart the correct way for you; it's neither right or wrong. Seeing with an inexhaustible lamp will facilitate the alchemy.

 

[Nova]

“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” -- Dan Millman, The Way of The Peaceful Warrior

That is what I aim to do. Resistance is a pattern, a friend of mine. Change is not difficult or painful; resisting change is. Thinking back, I resisted change for years. I did what I thought I should do, what was expected of me. I knew that I needed to change many times along the way, felt the pulling of my heartstrings. Refused, resisted, fought like hell. Expended a lot of energy in many wrong directions and let my inner fire die.

No longer will I fight the old. From here on out, I'm about building the new.

*********************

Sounds like things are falling into place. I think you will go from strength to strength.

I was thinking you might do this. Think of being among the early writers to explore this (growing) issue! Could be huge.

How many words in total? I'm working on how to flesh out a book without the filler.

Going from strength to strength...I like that. I'm building a momentum of strength...

Being one of the early writers to explore a growing issue. Never thought about my project in those terms.

There are three novels in the series. Novel #1 is currently 77k words. Novel #2 is 42k words. Novel #3 is 58k words. That is post-editing. That's 177k total between all three novels. (Although #2 is technically not a novel, but a novella.)

Novel #1 had a lot of filler. At one point, it was 90k words. I cut 5 chapters worth of filler from it and that leaned it out a lot. The end still needs a lot of work. I've been staring it for almost 3 years now, thinking it needs a proper resolution. Still nothing.

Novel #2 introduces a character that is vital to Novel #3. There is a fair amount of filler there too, but I really don't want to do anymore cutting there because it is so short. I also feel that the main character could be stronger and the primary relationship arc definitely needs some work. It's the weakest of the three.

Novel #3 is by far my favorite. I love the main character and I've had a lot of fun writing it over the years. It suffers from the same issues as Novel #1 in terms of having insane amounts of filler though. I've cut ~30k words from it over the years. This last time, I only cut 2 filler chapters from it and added about 3-4 chapters worth of decent, plot advancing content to it. Most of the 12k words were added to this novel. I wanted to work on something that I enjoyed.

Fleshing books out without filler...I think that this is difficult for me due to my writing style. I usually do a lot of brainstorming, character concepts, and the like and a rough outline...then I throw the outline out the window and end up pantsing. Once I find a good flow, writing just happens. However, I end up writing a lot of extra content. I get deep into descriptions of setting and have a tendency towards pulling supporting characters out of thin air. Then I backtrack and try to give them backstory. That snowballs out of control quickly and pretty soon, I've devoted a entire chapter to something that has nothing to do with the actual plot or any of my MCs.

Sometimes what I think is filler actually turns out to be enjoyable to read. This particular series has a lot of dark humor in it, especially #2 and #3 and I really dig that sort of thing. Filler is human, I think. Novels that are too lean are almost procedural, imho.

*********************

I say "**** 'em" Nova. Just be yourself. Disambiguate. You don't have to choose or discriminate. You just have to see. Maybe your dad is a narcissist. Okay. Observation noted. Just see it with an inexhaustible lamp. This is not judgement or discrimination. It's not either or. There really is no cognitive dissonance. The world is full of multiplicities. It's not always best to wheel your cart into dogma; it can just end up in a ditch. Wheel your cart the correct way for you; it's neither right or wrong. Seeing with an inexhaustible lamp will facilitate the alchemy.

I'm always me. I just buried some parts of me "for the sake of the greater good". Currently, I'm unearthing and resurrecting those parts. Life apart from passion, is merely a form of slow death.

As far as my father goes, he and I have a history of strained relationship. Nothing new there. I often think of this saying:
"You can visit the past, take what you will from it, learn from it. You can focus on the future, what is ahead of you. But you must live in the present, for it is only this moment in which you are alive."

What can I learn from the past? The harshness of my father shaped me, taught me many things. Including things that I did not like and probably shouldn't have learned. I can focus on what is ahead of me, which in all likelihood is painful but necessary for me to truly live. Ultimately, I live in the present. One day, one moment at a time. The journey is a walk: one step at a time.

This goes back to what I wrote above, about fighting the old and building the new. Why waste energy on the fighting? I've spent years doing that, being at war within myself. I've never cared much for fighting, despite my history of physical destruction and confrontation. That part of me had its roots within the gender identity issues, that I now know.

When I quit lashing out at others, I turned inward and took it out on myself. Punished myself. Isolated myself. There were drugs and alcohol and unhealthy relationships and heartbreak and turmoil. My ongoing quest to be "normal". My pretending to be okay as a woman, pretending to be straight and lots of other forms of magical thinking.

Now I have to set that aside...find myself. That's a part of my healing process, I think.

*********************

Good day and excellent vibes to all.