Losing Faith In Ray Peat

Tarmander

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Hi all,

This is Strong Mom’s husband/partner of over 20 years. I ran into this thread as I was trying to understand and explore my wife’s search for solutions to her never ending medical problems. It took me nearly six hours in the middle of the night to read and digest everything mentioned here with lots of tears in my eyes. As I was planning to write this response, one of our boys woke up frightened and asked to sleep next to me. I had to put my computer aside and do my fatherly duties.

Let me begin by saying that this isn’t the right place to discuss any family matters but I felt so offended after reading, I had to share. Additionally I want everyone to use caution and good judgement in recommending supplements, treatments, hormones or playing the marriage counselor role. My wife has over two dozen different medication/supplements/hormone bottles next to her bed and I am very concerned about her health. Just in this thread she mentioned ordering two different supplements and the light therapy.

A little about me

I have been a marketing professional all my life with a lifelong struggle with ADD and memory problems. I have a high IQ and it helped me survive this long in the corporate world but as I became more and more senior in my job, these issues became hard to manage. I was fired (more than once) and decided that creating my own career path was the only solution that will give me professional happiness. I started a restaurant business and I have been working hard to make it a successful one. There are many reasons for why I did that but let’s stay focused here. I have a never ending love for my wife and children, and I have not even once considered leaving them even in our toughest times while I was yelled at, humiliated and verbally abused. These things are a daily part of my life with my wife but I have hope that we will find a solution one day. I have lots of stress in my life as well but that is life and I accept it.

About my wife

Starting with her IVF treatment and pregnancy, my wife has become more and more emotional initially and, angry and intolerant later on. I don’t remember a straight three days where she hasn’t yelled at or insulted me, or upset a friend/family. We lost most of our friendships, and our families either are not allowed in our home or choose not to come to us in order not to create a family discomfort. I am loved by my parents and I have a very good relationship with them but they live too far (a full day of plane ride away) and I cannot visit them or they cannot visit us when they want to. My wife won’t allow it and I shut up in order not to add more to her stress.

I know that my career choice added lots of extra stress for her. I am surrounded with food all the time and my weekends usually have some kind of commitment. Having said that I chose to stay out of the day to day operation in an effort to free time for my family and also explore other business opportunities that can be more supportive for my family life.

I am not an expert and do not feel competent enough to share medical opinions but I have been told by so many people (one of whom is a psychiatrist) that my wife is suffering from a number of challenging medical conditions including Asperger syndrome. I can’t be certain but also I have not been able to convince her to seek medical attention. She just won’t do it. She says it doesn’t help, she doesn’t have time for it and perhaps she is afraid that things will now be officially recorded. I want the best for her and seeking medical treatment is one additional thing she can do for herself. She is actually quite worried about some of the things that she is doing for herself and the kids that she doesn’t allow me to share the supplements/hormones she gives to our kids with our pediatrician and the variety of specialist physicians that we visit for our kids conditions. It is complicated and I try very hard to stay quiet in those appointments but I also think that we may be hurting our children. I am worried that giving them a hormone supplement will slow down their natural hormone production but I can’t share any of this with the medical professionals out of respect for my wife’s choices.

My wife lost her respect and love for me. I know deep down she loves me but a whole host of abuses (verbal currently and physical in the past) have made my life so miserable for me but I hung on and tried to stay strong. I have been living a life where I hide what is going on in my domestic life from everybody because I am embarrassed. I also think that a relationship and marriage this deep deserves perseverance and commitment. I will be with her and support her till the day she looks at my face, says and means “I don’t love you, get out of my life”. I hope that day never comes but I can not make her love me if this becomes her choice. In summary nobody knows what I am going through in life and I am losing my health while all of this happens as well.

Someone here asked if I have any interest in health. Yes, absolutely but I also find it incredibly difficult to stay away from some foods that are the only comforts in my life. Having said that I don’t eat fried food (very rarely I give in and try a falafel or something), I try to stay away from vegetable oils (unless I have no control over a meal ingredient), i find it extremely challenging to stay away from bread (my go to comfort food), I find it very hard to stay away from nuts and legumes. My lifestyle is a challenge but I am not unaware. I am willing to team up with my wife very closely but she will not forgive the tiniest slip on the way and start treating me very badly. I find it very hard to collaborate with her.

My advice for my wife (@StressedMom @StrongMom):

I feel for you. I see you losing hope. Don’t stop. Try harder. I will be here to support you even though you may not feel so. Also do the following:

1- Instead of spending 2 hours every night reading or writing on forums, try spending some of that time with me and share things with the person closest to you. I am proud of your accomplishments in life and I will be here to support you

2- Stop taking countless supplements and hormones, give your body a break

3- Stop giving the hormones and supplements to the kids or at least involve health professionals into your decisions (you are effecting their natural ability to produce hormones and perhaps causing them other long term problems such as cardiac issues)

4- Stop yelling at me at least when around your children (I blame your aggressive behavior and extreme discipline tactics for some of our boys health issues - one of our boys is losing hair in a big way, developed lots of behavioral problems and has turned into a skinny malnutritioned person)

5- Seek therapy ( you think you are smarter than anyone else but it will give you more tools to fight your battles)

6- Go to couples therapy with me (we may pick up a few things to help us)

7- After all this, if the only reason that you are staying married to me is because you can’t handle the responsibility and care of two children yourself, stop. With all my heart I love you but I can’t make you love me back and I will be very happy to take full responsibility of our children.

8- I like the fact that you changed your screen name from 'stressed mom' to 'strong mom'. A positive step in the right direction.


I have a few things to say to other forum contributors:

@Ella

Stop passing judgement about me. I don’t know about your personal history with your partner/husband/ex whatever but I have been with my wife for 20 years and you don’t know me. You also don’t know my wife and her extremely sensitive and undiagnosed situation. You are way out of line by giving her financial or marriage counseling advice. I am not a bad person, I am not a bad husband and I am definitely not a bad father. I am struggling to make my entrepreneurial efforts to become something that I can be proud one day. If I had an option, I would have stayed a salaried professional but I was fired primarily because of my ADD and I decided to create my own career path in life. Your gardening related recommendation was helpful. We have a nice vegetable garden in our backyard but I haven’t seen my wife have any time to play there since our kids were born.

@Peaterpeater

Thank you for your motivational words and bringing up “forgiveness”. I have always found it to be an area that my wife could do better.

@Xisca

Thank you for your recommendation to seek help with a third person. I am the one who wants it. I hope my wife will join me in this.

@chrismeyers

Thank you for your suggestion to get rid of all supplements, hormones etc. We should at least involve some healthcare professionals in these matters.

@Waynish

Thank you for your finding a local practitioner suggestion.

@A. squamosa

Thank you for your reminder that this forum should not be a place to put your (or your children’s) health in strangers’ hands. My wife is smart. I have confidence that she takes everything with a grain of salt and does additional research yet she still experiments quite a bit, which makes me worried. And you are right that my wife is obsessive about diets. She has always been.


FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO THINK I SHOULD NOT HAVE POSTED THESE HERE

I am incredibly offended and I don’t deserve people’s humiliations. I can not share these with anyone else so in a way this was a useful place. Also my wife would completely ignore and not listen to me otherwise. So I am writing this publicly to see if this can be a way for me to get to my wife. May be this will be a start and I have hope.

With love...

Wow, go to therapy with this guy. House sounds like an emotional vortex. There is really nothing to lose by talking with a therapist as long as you don't start downing the SSRIs.
 

Tarmander

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Its not about how properly the house is wired! Maybe I'm not explaining this well enough, as i mentioned earlier in the thread i was an electrician in my youth so this information is familiar to me, of course there is always lots more to learn. Lets see if i can go over the key points again in a way that may make more sense.

First its important to understand the real issue we are discussing here is not the house wiring or general current in the home or building it self, its what we connect to the wiring that is the main problem.

We just cant say electromagnetic energy is bad or good for our health, the whole universe is one big electromagnetic field that extends indefinitely throughout space, electromagnetism is one of the four classic fundamental forces of nature. Our technological advancements have produced amazing inventions that help make life easier for all of us, but we are still learning about the effects of these technologies on humans, some frequencies are healing others are not.

All home and commercial wiring need to meet National Electric Code standards, there can be some variance in different states and municipalities, but the basics are the same through out the USA and most other countries have similar guidelines although the voltage and frequency used in other parts of the world may be different.

House wiring is really quite simple, the wire and and all equipment installed is very standardized. The health issues we are discussing arise not from the basic electrical current in the wires. The real problem is our appliances we connect into these circuits; Computers, Televisions, Printers, Refrigerators, Lighting, Telephones, Clocks, Wifi Routers, Pumps, Washer and Dryer, Stoves, Dishwashers, and the list goes on.

What is happening is these appliances when on create disturbances in the wiring system in the forms of whats has been called dirty electricity; the appliances produce high frequency currents and disturbing harmonics that emanate in to the environment we live and work in, these types of high frequencies and harmonics negatively effect human health.

The Stetzer electric filters remove these harmful frequencies and harmonics from the wiring and stop them from getting in to our environment. Harmonics is a fascinating and complex subject, in power systems harmonics are multiples of the fundamental wavelength. Voltage harmonics are mostly caused by current harmonics. The voltage provided by the voltage source will be distorted by current harmonics due to source impedance.

The other issue is that the State and local companies that supply electricity to our homes do not always properly size neutral distribution lines in their electrical grid. The first problem we discussed is generated inside buildings by electronic equipment, the second problem here is that unwanted frequencies can also enter the home through wiring from nearby sources including wireless telecommunication antennas connected to the power grid. Because the capacity of the primary neutral on distribution lines is exceeded, current can then run along the ground and enter our homes and businesses via grounded water pipes.

These outside source generated currents also produce harmful frequencies and harmonics in our homes and buildings that can effect our health, there is nothing we can do about this except petition the electric companies to enhance primary neutral lines, it would probably take State Legislation to have this changed.

Fortunately the Stetzer filters do really work to filter unwanted frequencies and harmonics produced from both electrical appliances in the home and from from unwanted frequencies generated from nearby sources of strong electrical currents.

Many people report feeling much better after installing the filters, they are easy to install, just plug them in to the outlets in your home or business.

It is worth taking the time to learn and understand how and why electrical frequencies and harmonics produced by appliances in our homes and from outside sources effect our health.

The company that sells the frequency filters has been in business for many years, they also sells a microsurge meter you can use to test electrical frequencies in your home and office.

Microsurge Meters are low-cost, robust, and easy to use by non-technical people. The meters were designed to measure harmonics and other high frequency “energy” present, which are the frequencies most detrimental to human health. The meters effectively ignore the effects of 60 Hz power and other lower, less harmful frequencies. Specifically, the meter measures the average magnitude of the changing voltage as a function of time (dV/dt), which naturally emphasizes transients and other high frequency phenomena that change rapidly with time.

STETZERiZER® Store
I have been using the red light quite a bit. I have found that using it on my thyroid is good. However if I stare into it for like 5 minutse, I get like weird breathing problems and phlegm in my lungs. You ever heard of this?
 
OP
S

StrongMom

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I have been using the red light quite a bit. I have found that using it on my thyroid is good. However if I stare into it for like 5 minutse, I get like weird breathing problems and phlegm in my lungs. You ever heard of this?

It does not happen to me. It sounds like an adrenal issue.
 

artlange

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I have been using the red light quite a bit. I have found that using it on my thyroid is good. However if I stare into it for like 5 minutse, I get like weird breathing problems and phlegm in my lungs. You ever heard of this?
Listen to your body. If staring into it for 5 minutes causes a problem then don't do it. Your light may be brighter of different wavelength than others use, so you are an experiment of n=1. Respect the results.
 

Waynish

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Listen to your body. If staring into it for 5 minutes causes a problem then don't do it. Your light may be brighter of different wavelength than others use, so you are an experiment of n=1. Respect the results.

Note that staring into a powerful infrared light is probably more intense than what is outlined by the practice of sun gazing.
 

Daniel11

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I have been using the red light quite a bit. I have found that using it on my thyroid is good. However if I stare into it for like 5 minutse, I get like weird breathing problems and phlegm in my lungs. You ever heard of this?

How about slow it down a little, i think its good you continue, you could keep holding light over your eyes for 5 min, but for the next week have your eyes open for 1 min and closed for 4 min of the time. Then for the next week after that have eyes open for 2 min and closed for 3 min, and keep progressing like this based on your own feelings. Light should be about 3-5 finger widths from nose.
 

Tarmander

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How about slow it down a little, i think its good you continue, you could keep holding light over your eyes for 5 min, but for the next week have your eyes open for 1 min and closed for 4 min of the time. Then for the next week after that have eyes open for 2 min and closed for 3 min, and keep progressing like this based on your own feelings. Light should be about 3-5 finger widths from nose.
I did the light in front of my eyes for awhile, and it seemed a constant thing. I suppose I could ease into it. I was curious though if you knew why or had any inkling from your research into the matter. Is it boosting metabolism or slowing it down through the eyes. Is it stimulating immune function or lowering immune function. I was using the 610/630/670 combo light.
 

Daniel11

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I did the light in front of my eyes for awhile, and it seemed a constant thing. I suppose I could ease into it. I was curious though if you knew why or had any inkling from your research into the matter. Is it boosting metabolism or slowing it down through the eyes. Is it stimulating immune function or lowering immune function. I was using the 610/630/670 combo light.

Yes your using the correct light, 610 nm ~ 630 nm and 670 nanometers. Infrared extends from the edge of the visible spectrum around 700 nm to 1000000 nm. We are not using infrared, I am using the same light you are.

The red light enhances cellar and endocrine functioning, getting light through the eyes is a direct rout to benefit the hypothalamus and pituitary gland via the optic nerves.

The light helps improve local energy at specific areas of our body like when holding over the thyroid and the red light also gives systemic benefits by traveling through our body via blood and nerves helping lower inflammation and improving cellular energy production.

“The mainstream and generally accepted theory of light therapy’s direct impact involves cellular energy production. The effects are exerted primarily by photo-dissociating nitric oxide (NO) from the mitochondrial enzymes (cytochrome c oxidase, etc.). You can think of NO as a harmful competitor to oxygen, much like carbon monoxide is. NO basically shuts down energy production in cells, forming an extremely wasteful environment energetically, which downstream raises cortisol/stress. Red light prevents this nitric oxide poisoning, and resulting stress, by removing it from mitochondria. In this way red light can be thought of as ‘protective negation of stress’, rather than immediately increasing energy production. It’s simply allowing your cells’ mitochondria to work properly by alleviating the dampening effects of stress.”

“Alongside systemic benefits from thyroid exposure, applying light anywhere on the body also gives systemic benefits, via the blood (Ihsan FR, 2005. Rodrigo SM et al., 2009. Leal Junior EC et al., 2010). Although red blood cells have no mitochondria; blood platelets, white blood cells and other types of cells present in the blood do contain mitochondria. This alone can lower inflammation and cortisol levels – a stress hormone that prevents T4 -> T3 activation (Albertini et al., 2007).”

Light therapy improves hypothyroidism - Red Light Man
 

Tarmander

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Yes your using the correct light, 610 nm ~ 630 nm and 670 nanometers. Infrared extends from the edge of the visible spectrum around 700 nm to 1000000 nm. We are not using infrared, I am using the same light you are.

The red light enhances cellar and endocrine functioning, getting light through the eyes is a direct rout to benefit the hypothalamus and pituitary gland via the optic nerves.

The light helps improve local energy at specific areas of our body like when holding over the thyroid and the red light also gives systemic benefits by traveling through our body via blood and nerves helping lower inflammation and improving cellular energy production.

“The mainstream and generally accepted theory of light therapy’s direct impact involves cellular energy production. The effects are exerted primarily by photo-dissociating nitric oxide (NO) from the mitochondrial enzymes (cytochrome c oxidase, etc.). You can think of NO as a harmful competitor to oxygen, much like carbon monoxide is. NO basically shuts down energy production in cells, forming an extremely wasteful environment energetically, which downstream raises cortisol/stress. Red light prevents this nitric oxide poisoning, and resulting stress, by removing it from mitochondria. In this way red light can be thought of as ‘protective negation of stress’, rather than immediately increasing energy production. It’s simply allowing your cells’ mitochondria to work properly by alleviating the dampening effects of stress.”

“Alongside systemic benefits from thyroid exposure, applying light anywhere on the body also gives systemic benefits, via the blood (Ihsan FR, 2005. Rodrigo SM et al., 2009. Leal Junior EC et al., 2010). Although red blood cells have no mitochondria; blood platelets, white blood cells and other types of cells present in the blood do contain mitochondria. This alone can lower inflammation and cortisol levels – a stress hormone that prevents T4 -> T3 activation (Albertini et al., 2007).”

Light therapy improves hypothyroidism - Red Light Man

Thanks for the write up man! I'm still kind of curious why I would have a lung phlegm reaction. I actually woke up a couple times in the middle of the night with trouble breathing if I did the staring at the light for too long. But it seems that I can shine it on my thyroid and legs etc no problem so I think I'll just stick with that and leave the staring for maybe later.
 

Daniel11

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Thanks for the write up man! I'm still kind of curious why I would have a lung phlegm reaction. I actually woke up a couple times in the middle of the night with trouble breathing if I did the staring at the light for too long. But it seems that I can shine it on my thyroid and legs etc no problem so I think I'll just stick with that and leave the staring for maybe later.

The key is understanding why light through your eyes is effecting almost all your physiological functions, it sounds funny but i find most people do not actually believe their brain is very important when it comes to healing their body.

The red light greatly enhances hypothalamus and pituitary gland functioning, the hypothalamus is just behind your eyes. A main biological function of the hypothalamus is to process and interpreted light coming through the eyes that bring light photons directly to it. Light creates a cascade of electro-chemical signals that flows from the eyes to the hypothalamus.

You should definitely honor your own sense of timing, but i would encourage you at some point to slowly introduce light in to your eyes, i prefer in the morning just after waking up, this follows our own natural rhythms in relationship to the earth and the sun.

Learning about the functioning of the hypothalamus and the pituitary gland is inspiring in that we actually now have the ability to heal and enhance those areas of our brain with specific spectrums of red light through the eyes.

The hypothalamus is a region of the forebrain below the thalamus that coordinates both the autonomic nervous system and the activity of the pituitary, controlling body temperature, thirst, hunger, and other homeostatic systems, and involved in sleep and emotional activity.

Hormones of the Pituitary Gland

The hormones of the pituitary gland send signals to other endocrine glands to stimulate or inhibit their own hormone production. For example, the anterior pituitary lobe will release adrenocorticotropic hormone (ACTH) to stimulate cortisol production in the adrenal glands when you’re stressed.

The anterior lobe releases hormones upon receiving releasing or inhibiting hormones from the hypothalamus. These hypothalamic hormones tell the anterior lobe whether to release more of a specific hormone or stop production of the hormone.

Anterior Lobe Hormones:

• Adrenocorticotropic hormone (ACTH): ACTH stimulates the adrenal glands to produce hormones.

• Follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH): FSH works with LH to ensure normal functioning of the ovaries and testes.

• Growth hormone (GH): GH is essential in early years to maintaining a healthy body composition and for growth in children. In adults, it aids healthy bone and muscle mass and affects fat distribution.

• Luteinizing hormone (LH): LH works with FSH to ensure normal functioning of the ovaries and testes.

• Prolactin: Prolactin stimulates breast milk production.

• Thyroid-stimulating hormone (TSH): TSH stimulates the thyroid gland to produce hormones.

The posterior lobe contains the ends of nerve cells coming from the hypothalamus. The hypothalamus sends hormones directly to the posterior lobe via these nerves, and then the pituitary gland releases them.

Posterior Lobe Hormones:

• Anti-diuretic hormone (ADH): This hormone prompts the kidneys to increase water absorption in the blood.

• Oxytocin: Oxytocin is involved in a variety of processes, such as contracting the uterus during childbirth and stimulating breast milk production.

https://courses.lumenlearning.com/ap2/chapter/the-pituitary-gland-and-hypothalamus/

Neural connections between the hypothalamus and the liver. - PubMed - NCBI
 

Xisca

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The key is understanding why light through your eyes is effecting almost all your physiological functions, it sounds funny but i find most people do not actually believe their brain is very important when it comes to healing their body.

The red light greatly enhances hypothalamus and pituitary gland functioning, the hypothalamus is just behind your eyes. A main biological function of the hypothalamus is to process and interpreted light coming through the eyes that bring light photons directly to it. Light creates a cascade of electro-chemical signals that flows from the eyes to the hypothalamus.

You should definitely honor your own sense of timing, but i would encourage you at some point to slowly introduce light in to your eyes, i prefer in the morning just after waking up, this follows our own natural rhythms in relationship to the earth and the sun.
I will try to share soon about my last SE workshop, as it was on eyes and light....
I did experience a moment with no more shortsight! When I looked at something near me, then my defect came back, but remembering the experience still makes my body hairs stand up!

Light needs dark to be assimilated by the body. So we learned palming. We looked at day light through eye lids just before.
Then I added the idea of red light, and opened my eyes behind my hand. The colour of the sunlight through my hand was of the most marvelous red colour! I had clear eyesight when I opened my eyes after this. We did many exercices, and also learned how important it is to get natural light, and not through glass, we need direct day light.
 

Jack Roe

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Hi all,

This is Strong Mom’s husband/partner of over 20 years. I ran into this thread as I was trying to understand and explore my wife’s search for solutions to her never ending medical problems. It took me nearly six hours in the middle of the night to read and digest everything mentioned here with lots of tears in my eyes. As I was planning to write this response, one of our boys woke up frightened and asked to sleep next to me. I had to put my computer aside and do my fatherly duties.

Let me begin by saying that this isn’t the right place to discuss any family matters but I felt so offended after reading, I had to share. Additionally I want everyone to use caution and good judgement in recommending supplements, treatments, hormones or playing the marriage counselor role. My wife has over two dozen different medication/supplements/hormone bottles next to her bed and I am very concerned about her health. Just in this thread she mentioned ordering two different supplements and the light therapy.

A little about me

I have been a marketing professional all my life with a lifelong struggle with ADD and memory problems. I have a high IQ and it helped me survive this long in the corporate world but as I became more and more senior in my job, these issues became hard to manage. I was fired (more than once) and decided that creating my own career path was the only solution that will give me professional happiness. I started a restaurant business and I have been working hard to make it a successful one. There are many reasons for why I did that but let’s stay focused here. I have a never ending love for my wife and children, and I have not even once considered leaving them even in our toughest times while I was yelled at, humiliated and verbally abused. These things are a daily part of my life with my wife but I have hope that we will find a solution one day. I have lots of stress in my life as well but that is life and I accept it.

About my wife

Starting with her IVF treatment and pregnancy, my wife has become more and more emotional initially and, angry and intolerant later on. I don’t remember a straight three days where she hasn’t yelled at or insulted me, or upset a friend/family. We lost most of our friendships, and our families either are not allowed in our home or choose not to come to us in order not to create a family discomfort. I am loved by my parents and I have a very good relationship with them but they live too far (a full day of plane ride away) and I cannot visit them or they cannot visit us when they want to. My wife won’t allow it and I shut up in order not to add more to her stress.

I know that my career choice added lots of extra stress for her. I am surrounded with food all the time and my weekends usually have some kind of commitment. Having said that I chose to stay out of the day to day operation in an effort to free time for my family and also explore other business opportunities that can be more supportive for my family life.

I am not an expert and do not feel competent enough to share medical opinions but I have been told by so many people (one of whom is a psychiatrist) that my wife is suffering from a number of challenging medical conditions including Asperger syndrome. I can’t be certain but also I have not been able to convince her to seek medical attention. She just won’t do it. She says it doesn’t help, she doesn’t have time for it and perhaps she is afraid that things will now be officially recorded. I want the best for her and seeking medical treatment is one additional thing she can do for herself. She is actually quite worried about some of the things that she is doing for herself and the kids that she doesn’t allow me to share the supplements/hormones she gives to our kids with our pediatrician and the variety of specialist physicians that we visit for our kids conditions. It is complicated and I try very hard to stay quiet in those appointments but I also think that we may be hurting our children. I am worried that giving them a hormone supplement will slow down their natural hormone production but I can’t share any of this with the medical professionals out of respect for my wife’s choices.

My wife lost her respect and love for me. I know deep down she loves me but a whole host of abuses (verbal currently and physical in the past) have made my life so miserable for me but I hung on and tried to stay strong. I have been living a life where I hide what is going on in my domestic life from everybody because I am embarrassed. I also think that a relationship and marriage this deep deserves perseverance and commitment. I will be with her and support her till the day she looks at my face, says and means “I don’t love you, get out of my life”. I hope that day never comes but I can not make her love me if this becomes her choice. In summary nobody knows what I am going through in life and I am losing my health while all of this happens as well.

Someone here asked if I have any interest in health. Yes, absolutely but I also find it incredibly difficult to stay away from some foods that are the only comforts in my life. Having said that I don’t eat fried food (very rarely I give in and try a falafel or something), I try to stay away from vegetable oils (unless I have no control over a meal ingredient), i find it extremely challenging to stay away from bread (my go to comfort food), I find it very hard to stay away from nuts and legumes. My lifestyle is a challenge but I am not unaware. I am willing to team up with my wife very closely but she will not forgive the tiniest slip on the way and start treating me very badly. I find it very hard to collaborate with her.

My advice for my wife (@StressedMom @StrongMom):

I feel for you. I see you losing hope. Don’t stop. Try harder. I will be here to support you even though you may not feel so. Also do the following:

1- Instead of spending 2 hours every night reading or writing on forums, try spending some of that time with me and share things with the person closest to you. I am proud of your accomplishments in life and I will be here to support you

2- Stop taking countless supplements and hormones, give your body a break

3- Stop giving the hormones and supplements to the kids or at least involve health professionals into your decisions (you are effecting their natural ability to produce hormones and perhaps causing them other long term problems such as cardiac issues)

4- Stop yelling at me at least when around your children (I blame your aggressive behavior and extreme discipline tactics for some of our boys health issues - one of our boys is losing hair in a big way, developed lots of behavioral problems and has turned into a skinny malnutritioned person)

5- Seek therapy ( you think you are smarter than anyone else but it will give you more tools to fight your battles)

6- Go to couples therapy with me (we may pick up a few things to help us)

7- After all this, if the only reason that you are staying married to me is because you can’t handle the responsibility and care of two children yourself, stop. With all my heart I love you but I can’t make you love me back and I will be very happy to take full responsibility of our children.

8- I like the fact that you changed your screen name from 'stressed mom' to 'strong mom'. A positive step in the right direction.


I have a few things to say to other forum contributors:

@Ella

Stop passing judgement about me. I don’t know about your personal history with your partner/husband/ex whatever but I have been with my wife for 20 years and you don’t know me. You also don’t know my wife and her extremely sensitive and undiagnosed situation. You are way out of line by giving her financial or marriage counseling advice. I am not a bad person, I am not a bad husband and I am definitely not a bad father. I am struggling to make my entrepreneurial efforts to become something that I can be proud one day. If I had an option, I would have stayed a salaried professional but I was fired primarily because of my ADD and I decided to create my own career path in life. Your gardening related recommendation was helpful. We have a nice vegetable garden in our backyard but I haven’t seen my wife have any time to play there since our kids were born.

@Peaterpeater

Thank you for your motivational words and bringing up “forgiveness”. I have always found it to be an area that my wife could do better.

@Xisca

Thank you for your recommendation to seek help with a third person. I am the one who wants it. I hope my wife will join me in this.

@chrismeyers

Thank you for your suggestion to get rid of all supplements, hormones etc. We should at least involve some healthcare professionals in these matters.

@Waynish

Thank you for your finding a local practitioner suggestion.

@A. squamosa

Thank you for your reminder that this forum should not be a place to put your (or your children’s) health in strangers’ hands. My wife is smart. I have confidence that she takes everything with a grain of salt and does additional research yet she still experiments quite a bit, which makes me worried. And you are right that my wife is obsessive about diets. She has always been.


FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO THINK I SHOULD NOT HAVE POSTED THESE HERE

I am incredibly offended and I don’t deserve people’s humiliations. I can not share these with anyone else so in a way this was a useful place. Also my wife would completely ignore and not listen to me otherwise. So I am writing this publicly to see if this can be a way for me to get to my wife. May be this will be a start and I have hope.

With love...

Holy Jeez!
Sounds like you're trapped in an abusive relationship, pal.
The fact is that being a mother is a high-level job, and lots of women aren't cut out for it. It's basically a management-grade position, and you've run a business, you know how few people are cut out for management. Community involvement, institutions like Church (or ethnic communities where people eat a healthy, traditional diet) can help smooth over rough edges. Your wife sounds a lot like my mother, and you sound a lot like my dad. You are basically competent; sure, you're not perfect, but you know nobody is perfect and that there's no "magic bullet."

If it were just you and her, I'd say, if you can stomach staying with her, let her do whatever she wants; it sounds like she is screwed up---she has all of the "red flags" of a woman who eats a shitty diet (she "tries" to find pastries that are good for her, yeah right) and is looking for some magic pill that will enable her to be happy, healthy, while eating a shitty diet because she is, as you've pointed out, basically not fit for company, and so her only enjoyment in life is food.
You're a trooper for staying with her, if what you say is true, and you come off as fairly level-headed; you don't seem like a hysterical woman who is now not only ruing herself, but her kids. That is the really big thing here. She is going to ruin her kids just like she is ruined; it's almost impossible for kids to grow up healthy if their unhealthy mom is in charge of them; and if they're males, they're going to be up ***t creek, because while men like you will sometimes marry/adopt an unhealthy woman, nobody does that for unhealthy males. If you don't step in, your kids are looking at a life of SSDI without much achievement.

I had a brother, and my mom _drove him into the ground_ with the exact same sort of process you describe your wife going through, tho she didn't go for "supplements" and "hormones," in his case it was psychiatric drugs---and none of the professionals ever asked "so, what are you feeding him?" He ate a diet of frozen pizzas and junk food, because he was a "picky eater." You know how you deal with a picky eater? You put the meat and veg in front of him, and if he won't eat it, he goes to bed hungry. He isn't going to die. Sounds like you have an abusive wife who rules the roost who is priming her kids to develop the exact same sort of neurotic, controlling behavior. My brother died at 26, by the way, after my mom fretted for years over him without actually doing anything to fix his situation, which was that he ate the same shitty diet she ate. She raised him to be an obese middle aged woman, from about the age of 2.5 onward. He had the same hair-loss problem, for what it is worth, that she's saying one of your kids has.

"I have a never ending love for my wife and children, and I have not even once considered leaving them even in our toughest times while I was yelled at, humiliated and verbally abused"
"My wife won’t allow it and I shut up in order not to add more to her stress."

This is abuse, if it is true. Rather than focusing on your wife's "stress", I would focus on her inability to cope with life. We don't live stressful lives; nobody is out in the fields wondering if rain is going to come, nobody is out hunting and coming up empty. We do not live stressful lives. Your wife sounds like she has serious mental health issues, and let me tell you, getting mental health treatment for women is almost impossible, they are the group that is the most refractory to treatment in the whole world.
You need to consider what this is going to do to your kids in the long run.

"She is actually quite worried about some of the things that she is doing for herself and the kids that she doesn’t allow me to share the supplements/hormones she gives to our kids with our pediatrician and the variety of specialist physicians that we visit for our kids conditions. It is complicated and I try very hard to stay quiet in those appointments but I also think that we may be hurting our children. I am worried that giving them a hormone supplement will slow down their natural hormone production but I can’t share any of this with the medical professionals out of respect for my wife’s choices."

Frankly, it sounds like this woman has abused you into thinking that you need to "mind your colours" otherwise you're "stressing" her out. If what you're saying is true, she sounds controlling and manipulative. That you have gone so far as to air this on a public forum, I think, speaks volumes to the seriousness of the situation. You know it is serious. You know that she is not all there, and people don't need a psychiatrist to know when someone isn't all there---everyone knows when someone isn't all there; a psychiatrist is for figuring out how to treat such a situation. But the fact is, treatment for psychiatric conditions does not always restore functionality; if she is autistic (runs on my mom's side of the family, actually...) then there is _no treatment_. She simply will never register normal emotional reactions, she will never have appropriate empathy for your situation, and she will simply abuse you into thinking that you are the problem because you "stress" her out. Autism is a developmental disability---Hans Asperger called it "autistic psychopathy," in the USSR the similar developmental disorder was called a schizoid personality disorder; these sanitized labels were used to sell the diagnosis in the USA, because in the USSR you didn't really have a "client centered" medical system, in the USA, what do you think is going to sell more, parents being told their kids are "schizoid psychopaths" or that they're "asperger's syndrome"?

If what you say is accurate, you really need to think about how she has you wrapped around her narrative---if she has driven you away from all friends and acquaintances, no matter what her kids are fed, they're not going to have a socially normal upbringing, which requires that they interact with other people, that they not internalize all of mommy's autistic neuroses, that they, in the best case, learn "mom's weird. We can be normal around other normal people, at least." But it sounds like she has whittled the family unit down to herself, you and her kids, so that she can normalize her deranged behavior, which is _not uncommon_ amongst mentally ill women, who are unfortunately not well studied.

"I have a high IQ"

Use it to save your kids. This is not a game, this is not a laughing matter, and I only wish my Dad had done something for my brother, because he had lots of opportunities to do so, rather than submit to my mentally ill mother. You sound like you know how to eat, you sound like you don't have health problems; so why are you letting a woman with health problems rule the roost? Would you put her in charge of anything in your business? If not, no matter how much you love her, you need an organizational shake-up---counselling is probably not going to help if she is autistic.

"Even some of the things you even write here show that you don't have much interest in trying to understand my world. Get therapy, see a doctor. etc. are not in my world anymore." (StrongMom)

!!!!HUGE RED FLAG!!!!

Her world sounds a lot like she is mentally ill (autism sounds like a decent fit, especially her suggestion that she has her "own [little] world," this is a common way of understanding autistic people) and that she lacks insight into her condition.

"7- After all this, if the only reason that you are staying married to me is because you can’t handle the responsibility and care of two children yourself, stop. With all my heart I love you but I can’t make you love me back and I will be very happy to take full responsibility of our children."

Consider that the children would be better off with you; if she is abusing you, this is almost certainly true. Do _not_ let an abusive, mentally ill, sickly woman take you and her kids down with her. It's not worth it.
 

Tarmander

Member
Joined
Apr 30, 2015
Messages
3,763
Holy Jeez!
Sounds like you're trapped in an abusive relationship, pal.
The fact is that being a mother is a high-level job, and lots of women aren't cut out for it. It's basically a management-grade position, and you've run a business, you know how few people are cut out for management. Community involvement, institutions like Church (or ethnic communities where people eat a healthy, traditional diet) can help smooth over rough edges. Your wife sounds a lot like my mother, and you sound a lot like my dad. You are basically competent; sure, you're not perfect, but you know nobody is perfect and that there's no "magic bullet."

If it were just you and her, I'd say, if you can stomach staying with her, let her do whatever she wants; it sounds like she is screwed up---she has all of the "red flags" of a woman who eats a shitty diet (she "tries" to find pastries that are good for her, yeah right) and is looking for some magic pill that will enable her to be happy, healthy, while eating a shitty diet because she is, as you've pointed out, basically not fit for company, and so her only enjoyment in life is food.
You're a trooper for staying with her, if what you say is true, and you come off as fairly level-headed; you don't seem like a hysterical woman who is now not only ruing herself, but her kids. That is the really big thing here. She is going to ruin her kids just like she is ruined; it's almost impossible for kids to grow up healthy if their unhealthy mom is in charge of them; and if they're males, they're going to be up ***t creek, because while men like you will sometimes marry/adopt an unhealthy woman, nobody does that for unhealthy males. If you don't step in, your kids are looking at a life of SSDI without much achievement.

I had a brother, and my mom _drove him into the ground_ with the exact same sort of process you describe your wife going through, tho she didn't go for "supplements" and "hormones," in his case it was psychiatric drugs---and none of the professionals ever asked "so, what are you feeding him?" He ate a diet of frozen pizzas and junk food, because he was a "picky eater." You know how you deal with a picky eater? You put the meat and veg in front of him, and if he won't eat it, he goes to bed hungry. He isn't going to die. Sounds like you have an abusive wife who rules the roost who is priming her kids to develop the exact same sort of neurotic, controlling behavior. My brother died at 26, by the way, after my mom fretted for years over him without actually doing anything to fix his situation, which was that he ate the same shitty diet she ate. She raised him to be an obese middle aged woman, from about the age of 2.5 onward. He had the same hair-loss problem, for what it is worth, that she's saying one of your kids has.

"I have a never ending love for my wife and children, and I have not even once considered leaving them even in our toughest times while I was yelled at, humiliated and verbally abused"
"My wife won’t allow it and I shut up in order not to add more to her stress."

This is abuse, if it is true. Rather than focusing on your wife's "stress", I would focus on her inability to cope with life. We don't live stressful lives; nobody is out in the fields wondering if rain is going to come, nobody is out hunting and coming up empty. We do not live stressful lives. Your wife sounds like she has serious mental health issues, and let me tell you, getting mental health treatment for women is almost impossible, they are the group that is the most refractory to treatment in the whole world.
You need to consider what this is going to do to your kids in the long run.

"She is actually quite worried about some of the things that she is doing for herself and the kids that she doesn’t allow me to share the supplements/hormones she gives to our kids with our pediatrician and the variety of specialist physicians that we visit for our kids conditions. It is complicated and I try very hard to stay quiet in those appointments but I also think that we may be hurting our children. I am worried that giving them a hormone supplement will slow down their natural hormone production but I can’t share any of this with the medical professionals out of respect for my wife’s choices."

Frankly, it sounds like this woman has abused you into thinking that you need to "mind your colours" otherwise you're "stressing" her out. If what you're saying is true, she sounds controlling and manipulative. That you have gone so far as to air this on a public forum, I think, speaks volumes to the seriousness of the situation. You know it is serious. You know that she is not all there, and people don't need a psychiatrist to know when someone isn't all there---everyone knows when someone isn't all there; a psychiatrist is for figuring out how to treat such a situation. But the fact is, treatment for psychiatric conditions does not always restore functionality; if she is autistic (runs on my mom's side of the family, actually...) then there is _no treatment_. She simply will never register normal emotional reactions, she will never have appropriate empathy for your situation, and she will simply abuse you into thinking that you are the problem because you "stress" her out. Autism is a developmental disability---Hans Asperger called it "autistic psychopathy," in the USSR the similar developmental disorder was called a schizoid personality disorder; these sanitized labels were used to sell the diagnosis in the USA, because in the USSR you didn't really have a "client centered" medical system, in the USA, what do you think is going to sell more, parents being told their kids are "schizoid psychopaths" or that they're "asperger's syndrome"?

If what you say is accurate, you really need to think about how she has you wrapped around her narrative---if she has driven you away from all friends and acquaintances, no matter what her kids are fed, they're not going to have a socially normal upbringing, which requires that they interact with other people, that they not internalize all of mommy's autistic neuroses, that they, in the best case, learn "mom's weird. We can be normal around other normal people, at least." But it sounds like she has whittled the family unit down to herself, you and her kids, so that she can normalize her deranged behavior, which is _not uncommon_ amongst mentally ill women, who are unfortunately not well studied.

"I have a high IQ"

Use it to save your kids. This is not a game, this is not a laughing matter, and I only wish my Dad had done something for my brother, because he had lots of opportunities to do so, rather than submit to my mentally ill mother. You sound like you know how to eat, you sound like you don't have health problems; so why are you letting a woman with health problems rule the roost? Would you put her in charge of anything in your business? If not, no matter how much you love her, you need an organizational shake-up---counselling is probably not going to help if she is autistic.

"Even some of the things you even write here show that you don't have much interest in trying to understand my world. Get therapy, see a doctor. etc. are not in my world anymore." (StrongMom)

!!!!HUGE RED FLAG!!!!

Her world sounds a lot like she is mentally ill (autism sounds like a decent fit, especially her suggestion that she has her "own [little] world," this is a common way of understanding autistic people) and that she lacks insight into her condition.

"7- After all this, if the only reason that you are staying married to me is because you can’t handle the responsibility and care of two children yourself, stop. With all my heart I love you but I can’t make you love me back and I will be very happy to take full responsibility of our children."

Consider that the children would be better off with you; if she is abusing you, this is almost certainly true. Do _not_ let an abusive, mentally ill, sickly woman take you and her kids down with her. It's not worth it.

Great post man, thanks for your insight. What saved you? How did you avoid your mom and/or get help later to deal?
 

HLP

Member
Joined
Oct 29, 2015
Messages
324
Too much drama for me so I will stay neutral. That being said, my close friend suffered chronic illness with pain and insomnia for years before she eventually died at 51 years old. For many years I tried helping and supporting where I could and eventually she became paranoid about everyone and everything. I had to removed myself from the situation for my own well being. I believe she had thyroid issues that were never diagnosed. So even a well meaning friend or mate could become alienated because of mistrust that develops on the part of the unwell person. If both parties acknowledge this, it might help. Reducing stress is very important. Rest is very important for recovery to happen. This is where the strong mate needs to be supportive. Trust needs to be restored from within. I hope you both read this.
 

Jack Roe

Member
Joined
Jul 11, 2017
Messages
55
Great post man, thanks for your insight. What saved you? How did you avoid your mom and/or get help later to deal?

I just never listened to her and middled along---but the tragedy is, one doesn't get "saved" from having a bad mother, especially when one sticks it out with her because of a sibling, like I did. I ended up spending years between the time when I could have left home (and should have left home) trying to intervene for my brother, and in the end I should have just left for University and washed my hands of the whole situation at 18. One of the tragedies of "biopsychiatry" is the hyperfocus on neurotransmitters, genetics, etc. without acknowledging simple things, like garbage mother = garbage home = garbage children, if they follow her lead. If a woman cannot look after herself, there is no reason to think that she can look after children.

I also had a friend of the family who gave me a job in highschool, so I could afford to buy my own food---once I started doing that, my grades went up substantially. I went from doing slightly above average in English, mediocre in everything else, to doing very well in everything. But that was only an option for me because, as I say, I had just ignored her for most of my life. She didn't cook horrible food, tho it was bland and boring, but she would always eat tons of junk food, and my brother basically ate nothing but junk food like frozen pizzas for years on end, from the time he was in elementary school.

But his degeneration (he dropped out of school in Grade 8) and her inability to cope with it meant I had a seriously disrupted homelife; basically from Grade 5 onward I couldn't have people over because they were both simply too degenerate, and one convinced the other that the problem was me "stressing them out," just like the OP here seems to have bullied her husband into believing. So, I've sort of made peace with the fact that I just didn't develop quite "normally" socially, because I lived in a madhouse. The other issue is that she was not so fargone that it would be obvious to a casual observer that something was wrong; I'll draw an analogy with divorce statistics. The worst divorces, so some evidence goes, are those where the parents are at each other's throats, literally. That really screws kids up, if mom and dad are physically fighting. But the "second worst" case is not a case of mild aggression, the "second worst" is where there is no real reason for the divorce that anyone could determine, it just sort of happens. I mean, I don't want to make it sound like I had a horrible upbringing with nothing positive; it's just that there are certain basic things that, if done wrong, the other good stuff doesn't make up for them.

It's really terrible to read that this guy knows he should be telling the pediatrician what this woman is doing, but isn't because he "loves" her---our society encourages men, in my view, in spite of the feminist propaganda, to be subservient to women and to think that they ultimately do "know best." And I guess this is true in some cases; if I look at my peers, most of them have mothers who aren't perfect, but who managed to raise healthy children. And sure, there are a percentage of men, tho I think they are a minority, who are abusive and controlling, but everything I've read about domestic violence, for example, says women are more likely to be abusers than men, if you use forensic psych. materials; men only appear more abusive if you go by conviction statistics, where men are severely over-represented.

It's just really sad to read about this woman doctoring her children with no MD and with nothing behind her but her foolish "mother's intuition" that she must know best. A mother can "know best," if her knowledge is rooted in some sort of ethnic community that has survived for multiple generations; there's a lot to be said for doing what your ancestors have done, if they survived doing it for a half dozen generations and were successful. Unfortunately, my family didn't have any of that.

I dunno if I will ever "deal" with the situation---just before my brother died, he was in and out of hospital. Two days before he died, I went to dinner with my mom, and she idly related how he had woken her up, from the basement (she was on second floor) _screaming_! She goes down to see what's wrong, he throws something at her, after screaming "my chest! Get out!" And she just goes about her day. No call to 911 (not for police for him throwing something, not for ambulance for his screaming in pain). She relates all of this with classic autistic/schizoid lack of affect over dinner, and my jaw drops. So, we rush home and I cajole him, via a public nurse we can call in my province, to go to emergency. Once there, she is absolutely useless, simply gives in to his mentally ill whining about how he "doesn't want to be there," so ASAP he is discharged. The next day, I am considering staying home from my life to see if I can get him to hospital, and admitted as an inpatient. He's vomiting, not eating, she's not cooking for him, etc. etc. Unfortunately, I asked her about this plan, and she told me to "mind my own business." So I did, and the next day I was awoken at 7am to a phonecall saying I had better get home, because they had found my brother's corpse.

And looking over his computer after his death, the poor little guy, just like this "StrongMom" character, rather than using doctors, etc. he had posted on some cockamamie website "Hey, my back and chest hurt, what should I do?" rather than _calling 911_ or _going to the hospital_. And this is in Socialist Canada where you can go to emergency all you like, it costs you nothing. The worst case is that they think you're healthy, so you wait 5 hours because you're low man on the triage list. But instead of doing what any -reasonable adult- would do, he relied on the Internet, because he had never been trained to be reasonable, he had been trained to think "things always get better, just keep doing what you're doing, even if it is getting you poor results." That said, just blindly following whatever on the Internet is not going to help either.

For what it is worth, I know lots of healthy, functional people. They don't really obsess over what they eat, they eat most things in moderation. One reality in life is that not everyone gets to be healthy: the more we learn about genetics, the more we find that early childhood treatment can _fundamentally alter subsequent genetic expression_. So if you have a crappy mom (or dad...) who creates an abusive homelife for you early on, it may fundamentally alter your genome, and then you're just never going to be normal...
 

Xisca

Member
Joined
Mar 30, 2015
Messages
2,273
Location
Canary Spain
Basically, have no children when you are not healthy or have some depression, anxiety etc.
But when the children are born, then something has to be done!

+
1) when reading about others life, think that how much you see similarities, those people are not your familly, so there are also some differences, thus we cannot fully advise and nail it.

2) Couple situation: here I see parents that want to do good, but....
the mother tries some supps without having the full view of all how it is related, and who has a real broad view large enough to understand all this science? Without the basis, supp are not a magic pill.
the father sees this but maybe fail to see that at the bottom the mother wants to understand and DO something.

So maybe the father could try to put is IQ into looking for the information and manage supps better. AND understand that the mother just shows her need to be sustained in her preoccupation. And at the same time mom can slow down on trying recipes in a wild way, and take time to organize the strategy with the dad?

I would start with the GAPS diet AND strategy, as this is more than diet. Of course except the PUFA use. But the idea to use honey and not sugar looks good for me.

And everybody should take care of ones nerves before others'!
And for being together, there is nothing better than a common enemy that allows to forget about the less important quarrels.
We are together to survive and fight together.
Haaa the good old days we could be easy preys if we did not UNITE... where are the wild tigers with saber teeth? They were a real help for humans though they did not know it!!!!!!!!!!!
 
OP
S

StrongMom

Member
Joined
Apr 17, 2015
Messages
336
Too much drama for me so I will stay neutral. That being said, my close friend suffered chronic illness with pain and insomnia for years before she eventually died at 51 years old. For many years I tried helping and supporting where I could and eventually she became paranoid about everyone and everything. I had to removed myself from the situation for my own well being. I believe she had thyroid issues that were never diagnosed. So even a well meaning friend or mate could become alienated because of mistrust that develops on the part of the unwell person. If both parties acknowledge this, it might help. Reducing stress is very important. Rest is very important for recovery to happen. This is where the strong mate needs to be supportive. Trust needs to be restored from within. I hope you both read this.


Thanks man! I do read, but it is so painful that I am trying not to follow the posts; it is just giving me insomnia. My husband won't read that; he doesn't spend time in this forum or any other health related site. He just once showed up to clear himself. Since then it is so painful, just so painful, I wanna cry but I am in the office now. The things he wrote, the way he see things, himself, and me; so deceiving, so wrong, but that is what it is. If anything, what he wrote that night, deepened the issues; as usual he just doesn't understand how to fix issues, he just let it go and probably felt better. That is all.

Who am I to say? In a few minutes, someone will chime in and criticize what I do, say,etc even without having any real idea about my life. I was just thinking not to post anything on this forum anymore. Will just read and learn, benefit from the great discussions/research/knowledge here in the forum. Thanks everyone
 
Last edited:

HLP

Member
Joined
Oct 29, 2015
Messages
324
Spend less time here if it is a bone of contention. Engage with a mediator to work things out. You can get the basic tools to heal here but don't expect any quick fixes. Heal yourself with the basics but don't try to fix everyone else in your realm, it will just drag you down. When your tank is on empty, you have nothing extra to give to others. If you don't sleep, you need to address what's causing the insomnia including too much activity here. Sometimes the brain needs to just rest in order to heal. Proper sleep is the foundation of proper and effective healing. Turmoil and arguing will not achieve the peace of mind that you so most definitely need. Remember that little ears are listening and it can be very damaging to witness parents struggling to get along. If you expect negative response, then that's is exactly what you will get. Stop setting this up.
 

Tarmander

Member
Joined
Apr 30, 2015
Messages
3,763
I just never listened to her and middled along---but the tragedy is, one doesn't get "saved" from having a bad mother, especially when one sticks it out with her because of a sibling, like I did. I ended up spending years between the time when I could have left home (and should have left home) trying to intervene for my brother, and in the end I should have just left for University and washed my hands of the whole situation at 18. One of the tragedies of "biopsychiatry" is the hyperfocus on neurotransmitters, genetics, etc. without acknowledging simple things, like garbage mother = garbage home = garbage children, if they follow her lead. If a woman cannot look after herself, there is no reason to think that she can look after children.

I also had a friend of the family who gave me a job in highschool, so I could afford to buy my own food---once I started doing that, my grades went up substantially. I went from doing slightly above average in English, mediocre in everything else, to doing very well in everything. But that was only an option for me because, as I say, I had just ignored her for most of my life. She didn't cook horrible food, tho it was bland and boring, but she would always eat tons of junk food, and my brother basically ate nothing but junk food like frozen pizzas for years on end, from the time he was in elementary school.

But his degeneration (he dropped out of school in Grade 8) and her inability to cope with it meant I had a seriously disrupted homelife; basically from Grade 5 onward I couldn't have people over because they were both simply too degenerate, and one convinced the other that the problem was me "stressing them out," just like the OP here seems to have bullied her husband into believing. So, I've sort of made peace with the fact that I just didn't develop quite "normally" socially, because I lived in a madhouse. The other issue is that she was not so fargone that it would be obvious to a casual observer that something was wrong; I'll draw an analogy with divorce statistics. The worst divorces, so some evidence goes, are those where the parents are at each other's throats, literally. That really screws kids up, if mom and dad are physically fighting. But the "second worst" case is not a case of mild aggression, the "second worst" is where there is no real reason for the divorce that anyone could determine, it just sort of happens. I mean, I don't want to make it sound like I had a horrible upbringing with nothing positive; it's just that there are certain basic things that, if done wrong, the other good stuff doesn't make up for them.

It's really terrible to read that this guy knows he should be telling the pediatrician what this woman is doing, but isn't because he "loves" her---our society encourages men, in my view, in spite of the feminist propaganda, to be subservient to women and to think that they ultimately do "know best." And I guess this is true in some cases; if I look at my peers, most of them have mothers who aren't perfect, but who managed to raise healthy children. And sure, there are a percentage of men, tho I think they are a minority, who are abusive and controlling, but everything I've read about domestic violence, for example, says women are more likely to be abusers than men, if you use forensic psych. materials; men only appear more abusive if you go by conviction statistics, where men are severely over-represented.

It's just really sad to read about this woman doctoring her children with no MD and with nothing behind her but her foolish "mother's intuition" that she must know best. A mother can "know best," if her knowledge is rooted in some sort of ethnic community that has survived for multiple generations; there's a lot to be said for doing what your ancestors have done, if they survived doing it for a half dozen generations and were successful. Unfortunately, my family didn't have any of that.

I dunno if I will ever "deal" with the situation---just before my brother died, he was in and out of hospital. Two days before he died, I went to dinner with my mom, and she idly related how he had woken her up, from the basement (she was on second floor) _screaming_! She goes down to see what's wrong, he throws something at her, after screaming "my chest! Get out!" And she just goes about her day. No call to 911 (not for police for him throwing something, not for ambulance for his screaming in pain). She relates all of this with classic autistic/schizoid lack of affect over dinner, and my jaw drops. So, we rush home and I cajole him, via a public nurse we can call in my province, to go to emergency. Once there, she is absolutely useless, simply gives in to his mentally ill whining about how he "doesn't want to be there," so ASAP he is discharged. The next day, I am considering staying home from my life to see if I can get him to hospital, and admitted as an inpatient. He's vomiting, not eating, she's not cooking for him, etc. etc. Unfortunately, I asked her about this plan, and she told me to "mind my own business." So I did, and the next day I was awoken at 7am to a phonecall saying I had better get home, because they had found my brother's corpse.

And looking over his computer after his death, the poor little guy, just like this "StrongMom" character, rather than using doctors, etc. he had posted on some cockamamie website "Hey, my back and chest hurt, what should I do?" rather than _calling 911_ or _going to the hospital_. And this is in Socialist Canada where you can go to emergency all you like, it costs you nothing. The worst case is that they think you're healthy, so you wait 5 hours because you're low man on the triage list. But instead of doing what any -reasonable adult- would do, he relied on the Internet, because he had never been trained to be reasonable, he had been trained to think "things always get better, just keep doing what you're doing, even if it is getting you poor results." That said, just blindly following whatever on the Internet is not going to help either.

For what it is worth, I know lots of healthy, functional people. They don't really obsess over what they eat, they eat most things in moderation. One reality in life is that not everyone gets to be healthy: the more we learn about genetics, the more we find that early childhood treatment can _fundamentally alter subsequent genetic expression_. So if you have a crappy mom (or dad...) who creates an abusive homelife for you early on, it may fundamentally alter your genome, and then you're just never going to be normal...

What a story man. Seeing your brother die like that must have been...God I don't even know. I am amazed you had the idea at 17 to start eating better food, and saw an improvement in your life from it.

There is definitely a problem with moms in our society right now. All the single motherhood is tragic. Somehow we have developed a blind spot with regards to women. We know when men become pathological but somehow when women do...
 

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