Log Of Curious Events

Swandattur

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I have been wanting to start some sort of log, but couldn't decide how or what to start with. I think I will start with some health background. My major health problem that has driven me to try to help myself through diet is depression, (or desperation?) I haven't had a major depression in years, but ever since the last one I have been pretty fragile. Heck, recovery from the other ones was no piece of cake either. The thing that got me on to diet, besides the fact that doctors seem to be blind and deaf to anything outside certain parameters, was being diagnosed with mild diabetes. I went on pretty low carb for about a year. It did seem to help with blood sugars and I did lose weight, and my allergies got better for a while, but then the allergies got worse, and I started getting worse night sweats and getting chilled, and other things.

Today, I woke up feeling better, than I have for quite a while, before coffee. I have been off my Wellbutrin XL for three or four weeks, and I took a 150 bupropion yesterday and the day before, because I noticed a downturn in mood. I felt kind of depressed for the last two or three days. Yesterday, I ate some squid. So, maybe that helped. Also, I went and visited my parents. I feel bad when I wait too long between visits. I should probably just go see them more often for short visits, but sometimes I don't feel very social. Too anxious. I noticed Epsom salts baths helped on mood. People with diabetes are supposed to have a problem with magnesium loss. Also, stress is supposed to use it up fast. So, double whammy! I got lots of stress often enough. When I feel better, it doesn't bother me nearly so much. When I feel low, things bother me a lot more.

My husband's PTSD has been a major stressor in my life. Sometimes I feel marooned on a tiny island with him, because I feel so alone. Nutty as a fruitcake might be a good description of him a good part of the time. Maybe I am just overly sensitive, though. At least he's feeling better these days, and not wrecking any cars, or going on any middle of the night Walmart forays. He does mow the lawn late at night. It is just lonely when the person you live with seems so out of it a good part of the time. Of course, I expect I don't seem entirely fully rational all the time, either. Depression can skew your thinking. Okay, so he does have some nutty behavior, but it doesn't bother me so much when I'm feeling stronger. Now that he feels better, perhaps we can communicate a little better.

Well, I guess I'll get to the "curious events" as I go along.
 

messtafarian

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Hi --

I am convinced that part of my health breakdown had to do with the stress I was feeling from the men in my life ( adult son, brother, boyfriend). They're all marvelous guys but they seem to always weirdly not be around when I need something, a fact that became somewhat obvious as I got sicker and sicker. It was sort of *worse* than being alone because I would end up in these conversations where I was supporting them and listening to them maunder on about the great dramas in their lives while I was, you know, bleeding to death.

I finally said, uh -- okay, I need to withdraw a little but here and take care of myself, and they said, oh sure. And proceeded to go on with their lives as if I was not there. I don't know if it's just natural male narcissism or if I just coddled them too much so they don't know what to do. But I consider this an ongoing stressor. The day after I had surgery I asked my brother to bring me graham crackers, he brought me saltines. He likes saltines better, see. Then my son called to ask me for money. Right out of surgery he needs 250 dollars for some thing with his car.

People! Hello!!!
 

Swandattur

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Sorry the guys in your life are so oblivious. My husband, even when he was doing seemingly fine, was that way most of the time. My older son is very caring of other people, but he has mood problems and hypoglycemia. Still, I'm sure he'd be there for me the best he knows how, if he thought I needed something. I try to be strong for him, though, because I know he has enough problems of his own. He really tries to be there for people he cares about. My younger son is more oblivious, but he is very young yet. He's showing signs of being more aware. Maybe, we women tend to be the caretakers by nature and by culture, though.

I know what you mean about 'worse than being alone,' because it seems way more lonely to have someone physically there who doesn't seem to notice or care that you are having trouble. If you are alone, at least you can imagine if someone were there, they would care.

My husband never went to see his dad who had dementia and was in the nursing home for ten years, because it bothered him, he said because his dad had said he never wanted to end up that way.(My husband's relationship with his dad was somewhat dysfunctional, though.) My husband's mom went every day, twice a day, to help her husband eat his meals. Plus she visited other people while she was there. There does seem a lot of truth to the movie, "Steel Magnolias." My mom has always been a very strong sort of person in many ways, and sometimes I think it would have been better if she had asked for more help from my sisters and I. We tended to wait for 'orders'. I think we would have felt better about ourselves if she had taught us how to help, not just wait for orders in difficult situations. Anyway, that's my muddled thoughts.
 

ilovethesea

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You might be interested to check out the work of Dr. Pat Allen who is a family and relationship therapist in LA. (Actually the woman on the show Millionaire Matchmaker got all her material from Pat.) She has written the books Getting To I Do and also Staying Married and Loving It although I have not read the latter yet. It is not your typical self-help at all. She talks about masculine and feminine energies - everyone has a bit of both, especially alpha people who I suspect populate this website, but she says if you want true intimacy in a relationship then you need to stay anchored in one of the energies.

One of the biggest things I got out of her work was that it's actually not healthy for me as a feminine woman to take care of other people before I take care of myself. That is actually a masculine energy trait and I feel that most women nowadays are taught to be masculine in today's society, which is part of why things are so messed up between the sexes and there is rampant depression. Men of course are becoming feminized.

True masculine men derive happiness from taking care of others. They have to do good to feel good. But feminine women make themselves happy first. She has to feel good to do good. When you start taking care of men and their feelings you become their Mommy and he becomes the little boy... this breeds stress, resentment, depression, unhappiness.

It is a harder road to travel to take care of your own needs first, for sure, but for me it is the truest one... I have had to reject a lot of behaviour from the men in my life because I don't want the emotional stress of going into a masculine role and feeling that resentment. I am quite sensitive so this kind of thing I think has just as big of an effect on my health as the diet stuff.
 
J

j.

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ilovethesea said:
True masculine men derive happiness from taking care of others.

Oh well, guess I'm an unmasculine man.

Provocative post, but the idea of deriving happiness from helping others assumes that there is always someone who needs help, i.e., there always has to be some miserable person, otherwise a man wouldn't obtain his happiness because he wouldn't be able to take care of others (they all take care of themselves).
 

Swandattur

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Oh well, there are always people who need help, Batman! ;) theme song.....#*POW BIFF#*#
In some ways my husband likes and always liked taking care of some things, but not others. After we got married, I got the feeling he wanted me to wait on him like his mother! Argh! And be a drudge. Ever watched "Little Shop Of Horrors?" There is that scene where the dentist yells at his girlfriend for not getting on the motor cycle fast enough. Well, my husband was like that about his snow machine. He'd yell at me for not getting on there fast enough. It may have had something to do with his PTSD. Maybe like if you don't get on and we get out of here fast we're going to be dead! I have heard from other wives of guys with PTSD that they get really angry over nothing. It would have been nice to know what was going on, at least.
 

Swandattur

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Well, anyway, got off on a tangent there.
For the second time this year I was off Wellbutrin for about three or four weeks, but like before I noticed a steady sort of drop in mood. So, this time for the last three days I started back with only a 150 Regular bupropion instead of the 300 Wellbutrin XL. Today I feel pretty good, except kind of wired like before on Wellbutrin. Maybe I should half it and take it early and late in the day. I had been eating summer squash pretty often, and then it occurred to me when I started feeling that certain kind of hunger that maybe it had lots of starch. I tested it and it does have a lot, or that last batch did. I'm thinking maybe the starch in the squash caused allergy symptoms and some of the mood dip. I found some articles that said amylase helps get rid of histamine as well as break down starch. If that's true, then starch could maybe cause histamine problems by using up available amylase. If it's true, anyway.
Maybe the wired feeling comes from hyper focusing.
 

Swandattur

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I just realized. That's so funny! "True masculine men derive happiness from taking care of others."
That is the thing they always said about women. That was evidently what my husband thought was true! He even said out loud one time that my happiness should be based on his happiness. I think he was a throw back. I tried to point out to him how unfair and idiotic that was, but he didn't get it. He should have included it in our marriage vows, and then I would have had a heads up. Actually, that would have been a deal breaker. Maybe if people actually did spell out all their major expectations in the marriage vows, couples wouldn't have these unpleasant surprises.
 

ilovethesea

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j. said:
Oh well, guess I'm an unmasculine man.

Provocative post, but the idea of deriving happiness from helping others assumes that there is always someone who needs help, i.e., there always has to be some miserable person, otherwise a man wouldn't obtain his happiness because he wouldn't be able to take care of others (they all take care of themselves).

Maybe. I didn't say being a feminine man was wrong, just that a feminine woman acting against her nature in a masculine role with a feminine man can be incredibly stressful.

By taking care of I mean the instinct in general to protect, provide and cherish women, children and animals. Not specifically someone who is miserable.
 

ilovethesea

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Swandattur said:
I just realized. That's so funny! "True masculine men derive happiness from taking care of others."
That is the thing they always said about women. That was evidently what my husband thought was true! He even said out loud one time that my happiness should be based on his happiness. I think he was a throw back. I tried to point out to him how unfair and idiotic that was, but he didn't get it. He should have included it in our marriage vows, and then I would have had a heads up. Actually, that would have been a deal breaker. Maybe if people actually did spell out all their major expectations in the marriage vows, couples wouldn't have these unpleasant surprises.

Yes exactly, people now think to be a woman is to sacrifice everything for everyone else, but actually that's being a doormat. Feminine woman have to be willing to say no to others in the name of their own self care. There isn't a man alive who is worth your health.
 

Swandattur

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I think women have somehow been shoved Into the role of the one who sacrifices ever since they changed over to all male gods. Yes, I think too many women don't think twice about giving too much. Giving to others is a nice thing, but you should draw the line if it isn't appropriate. Between husband and wife, I think there should be equal care for the other's happiness.
 
J

j.

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ilovethesea said:
By taking care of I mean the instinct in general to protect, provide and cherish women, children and animals. Not specifically someone who is miserable.

I guess it's hard for me to see that as important, since it seems to me that in modern society there aren't that many dangers, so that a lot of people, male and female, might not need any protection.
 

juanitacarlos

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I think people choose to be selfish and it does not have much to do with your sex or gender. Sure, you can use societal or gender norms to express your selfishness, but it's still a choice. The one thing you do have control of is how you behave and what you put up with.

j - why do you think society sees males as trash?
 

Swandattur

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I don't know. My niece got held up at gun point for her car a few weeks ago. Of course, a guy couldn't do much about that, but that was a danger. I think it is more the attitude of wanting to protect those you love. I think your average woman would like to feel that her guy does his best to protect her. Otherwise, there seems no point. Maybe it is old fashioned, but I think a protective guy (in a good way) really gives a woman the warm fuzzies. Of course, maybe guys get warm fuzzies if their girl feels protective, too. Maybe we should have a poll to see how many women feel this way. Or how many men.
 

Swandattur

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J, why do you think society sees males as trash? Well, I guess ttramone asked already.
Well, I think the government and the powers that be see young people of either sex as expendable, since they send them into idiotic wars all the time.
 
J

j.

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Swandattur said:
I think your average woman would like to feel that her guy does his best to protect her. Otherwise, there seems no point. Maybe it is old fashioned, but I think a protective guy (in a good way) really gives a woman the warm fuzzies.

Sure, but I don't see it as something fundamental as the source of males' happiness. What happens when there is no danger, a man can't be happy? He would even forget about the "protective attitude" if there is a long period of stability without dangers, so during this period he won't be able to be happy.
 

Swandattur

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Surely they don't mean that is the only source of happiness for a guy! Good grief! That's as silly as saying a woman should be happy as long as her husband is happy.
 
J

j.

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Swandattur said:
Surely they don't mean that is the only source of happiness for a guy! Good grief! That's as silly as saying a woman should be happy as long as her husband is happy.

Oh, ok. That was my interpretation, that man's source of happiness is taking care of others.
 

Swandattur

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J, Well, I understand being upset about that idea, because it really upset me when my husband said I should be happy as long as he was happy. That was a long time ago, but it stuck in my head.
 
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