Legitimate Question: Why Do Guys Feel Responcible If Their Wife/Girlfriend Is Not Happy About Something?

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Ok, I will give you an example of what I mean….

Whenever my husband and I go out to a restaurant, and the meal is delicious and I (the wife) have expressed my pleasure of how good the meal was, and how delicious it was etc., my husband is so pleased and kind of takes personal responciblity for the way the dinner turned out, even though he was not personally involved in making the meal. I usually enjoy most of the meals when we go out to eat, since we both share common food cuisine interests.

Yet, on the rare occasion when we go out to a restaurant and my particular dish is terrible, and I express that the meal was not so good, my husband almost acts like it is his fault that I am not happy with the meal, even though he had nothing to do with whether the quality of the meal is good or not. He still acts like it was his fault that I am not happy with the meal.

Even though I have clearly let him know it is not him but the restaurant that is the issue. I let him know that it certainly isn’t his fault that the meal was not good.

My question is, why do men feel responcible for the happiness of their wife/girlfriend when it is not legitimately their responcibility?

I have noticed this in other incidences as well. Why do men feel like the happiness of their wife/girlfriend is their responcibilty? I know it’s not just my situation but other women have expressed this as well.

Just plain curious…
 

Nomane Euger

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@FocusedOnHealth hi,i assume 2 mains reasons,you feel enough affected because the meal was bad,your husband feel enough empathy for you,so seeing you affected affect him to some degree,and he want to exempt you from your affection.Or the fact that you you perceived the meal as bad,and got affected by it,make it doubt his value as a person,the relevance of his choices and suggestions,he doubt your perception of his value,if you can hear in his voice a to high degree of culbability and disconfort,thats probably due to some degree of insecurity and not much empathy.even a man that does not feel insecurity can still appreciate making a woman feel good,and dislike if she feel worst,but he will more likely not feel guilt specifically if he is not responsible for you feeling bad,and even if his actions are causal of your negative affect,he will try to exempt you from your negative affect if he wish to
 
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People don't understand the value of "whose business is this"

It's your business

It's God's business

It's my business.

Very very few things are someone else's business. I am indebted to Byron Katie for this.


View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gJnGy00OPKI


It isn't your business if your husband feels blame if you don't like the food in a restaurant. It's his business.
 

TheSir

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Is he paying for you both? Is he picking the restaurant? In these cases the (most likely unacknowledged) subtext may be that he is "providing" the meal for you. Not liking the meal would be akin to not liking a gift: the rejection may hurt the gift giver even though they didn't make the gift.

Another explanation is that he wants to share an enjoyable moment with you and becomes upset when the magic of that moment is broken by a subpar meal.

Finally, some men just are pathological woman-pleasers, in good and bad senses of the word. They can only be happy when their woman is happy.
 
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FocusedOnHealth
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@FocusedOnHealth hi,i assume 2 mains reasons,you feel enough affected because the meal was bad,your husband feel enough empathy for you,so seeing you affected affect him to some degree,and he want to exempt you from your affection.Or the fact that you you perceived the meal as bad,and got affected by it,make it doubt his value as a person,the relevance of his choices and suggestions,he doubt your perception of his value,if you can hear in his voice a to high degree of culbability and disconfort,thats probably due to some degree of insecurity and not much empathy.even a man that does not feel insecurity can still appreciate making a woman feel good,and dislike if she feel worst,but he will more likely not feel guilt specifically if he is not responsible for you feeling bad,and even if his actions are causal of your negative affect,he will try to exempt you from your negative affect if he wish to
Thanks for your reply…the funny thing is, I was just sharing my disappointment about the meal because I had ordered a dish that normally has been very good but then, on the last occasion, the meal was subpar. Which was surprising because normally it is very good. It was funny to me that my disappointment became his disappointment even though (as I saw it) it had nothing to do with him.
 
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Is he paying for you both? Is he picking the restaurant? In these cases the (most likely unacknowledged) subtext may be that he is "providing" the meal for you. Not liking the meal would be akin to not liking a gift: the rejection may hurt the gift giver even though they didn't make the gift.

Another explanation is that he wants to share an enjoyable moment with you and becomes upset when the magic of that moment is broken by a subpar meal.

Finally, some men just are pathological woman-pleasers, in good and bad senses of the word. They can only be happy when their woman is happy.

Yes my husband always pays for the meal. But we usually agree to the places we go to because we share similar tastes in cuisine.

ok, l see, love the meal, love my gift sort of thing.

Hmmm, what you say makes sense.
 
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People don't understand the value of "whose business is this"

It's your business

It's God's business

It's my business.

Very very few things are someone else's business. I am indebted to Byron Katie for this.


View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gJnGy00OPKI


It isn't your business if your husband feels blame if you don't like the food in a restaurant. It's his business.


I agree with you. That’s usually how I look at things.
 

haidut

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My question is, why do men feel responcible for the happiness of their wife/girlfriend when it is not legitimately their responcibility?

Maybe because, for many men, if their female SO is unhappy about something and the man does not at least show empathy or concern about the situation, then the man will end up "paying" for that lack of concern/engagement (e.g. face a nasty fight or whatever). IMO, it speaks very highly of you to note that your husband should not feel responsible for the way your meal turned out (as it is truly the case it is not his responsibility), but in my experience women like you are the exception rather than the rule. In fact, I don't know of a single male in both the US and European communities I have observed that does not feel "nervous" when his female SO is unhappy about something precisely due to the wrath the man will face unless he at least demonstrates involvement in the issue. And, in corroboration, I have witnessed countless such situations where the man did end up "paying" for not acting like it is his problem as well. In fact, for the majority of the couples I have witnessed get in such fights, the woman would often simply pretend to be unhappy just so she can see if the man "cares" about her. You'd think these are just stereotypes, but it is backed up by evidence. User @Michael Mohn had a lot more to say about it in another thread.

"...Women also prefer their male partner to know when she is upset than when she is happy as a way of showing their empathy. Men, however, prefer to know when their wife or girlfriend is in a good mood in order to feel empathetic."
 
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OP
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Maybe because, for many men, if their female SO is unhappy about something and the man does not at least show empathy or concern about the situation, then the man will end up "paying" for that lack of concern/engagement (e.g. face a nasty fight or whatever). IMO, it speaks very highly of you to note that your husband should not feel responsible for the way your meal turned out (as it is truly the case it is not his responsibility), but in my experience women like you are the exception rather than the rule. In fact, I don't know of a single male in both the US and European communities I have observed that does not feel "nervous" when his female SO is unhappy about something precisely due to the wrath the man will face unless he at least demonstrates involvement in the issue. And, in corroboration, I have witnessed countless such situations where the man did end up "paying" for not acting like it is his problem as well. In fact, for the majority of the couples I have witnessed get in such fights, the woman would often simply pretend to be unhappy just so she can see if the man "cares" about her. You'd think these are just stereotypes, but it is backed up evidence.
Interesting observations. Yeah, I never blame my husband for a dish I chose to order that I didn’t like. The dish was my choice. Blaming him would be ridiculous.

That article, wow….seeing a man upset makes women happy? To me that’s, well, crazy! I don’t get that! This reminds me of what is going on with the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard trial. I feel so bad for Johnny Depp! He was married to a narcissistic medusa!
 

haidut

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Interesting observations. Yeah, I never blame my husband for a dish I chose to order that I didn’t like. The dish was my choice. Blaming him would be ridiculous.

That article, wow….seeing a man upset makes women happy? To me that’s, well, crazy! I don’t get that! This reminds me of what is going on with the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard trial. I feel so bad for Johnny Depp! He was married to a narcissistic medusa!

I think some of it is healthy - i.e. if there is a more serious problem like the female SO feeling unhappy due to health issues or something not working in the relationship, then it is probably a good idea for the male to be "in tune". But it can obviously be abused and trivialized to the point where it becomes nothing but a tool of control and manipulation.
 
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Maybe because, for many men, if their female SO is unhappy about something and the man does not at least show empathy or concern about the situation, then the man will end up "paying" for that lack of concern/engagement (e.g. face a nasty fight or whatever). IMO, it speaks very highly of you to note that your husband should not feel responsible for the way your meal turned out (as it is truly the case it is not his responsibility), but in my experience women like you are the exception rather than the rule. In fact, I don't know of a single male in both the US and European communities I have observed that does not feel "nervous" when his female SO is unhappy about something precisely due to the wrath the man will face unless he at least demonstrates involvement in the issue. And, in corroboration, I have witnessed countless such situations where the man did end up "paying" for not acting like it is his problem as well. In fact, for the majority of the couples I have witnessed get in such fights, the woman would often simply pretend to be unhappy just so she can see if the man "cares" about her. You'd think these are just stereotypes, but it is backed up evidence.
Ya know, that article explains some of the differences but in all honesty, how can we expect others to be feeling exactly the same way we feel if they are not “us”? I find even with girlfriends, that if you do not express the same feelings the others are expressing, it’s like they perceive you as not caring, when in reality, that could not be further from the truth.

You are just taking a more objective standpoint. That doesn’t mean you don’t ”care”. But I have a girlfriend, who, when she expresses her problems to me, expects me to become emotionally involved with them. I certainly offer my POV, but to expect her problem to become my problem is just selfish really. I can sympathise, but why is it expected for me to become emotionally involved?

I can understand how women can manipulate men into feeling bad or guilty and that is wrong. Because the guy ends up feeling “ damned if I do, damned if I don’t”. Just because you are married or in a relationship with someone doesn’t give you the right to make unrealistic demands upon someone. I am very much a believer in having boundaries with others. Because it is respectful. We can’t assume that just because that person is our husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend that they have to think the same way we do or act the same way we do.

If you need some emotional support from someone, ask. It’s that simple. But don’t demand.
 
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I think some of it is healthy - i.e. if there is a more serious problem like the female SO feeling unhappy due to health issues or something not working in the relationship, then it is probably a good idea for the male to be "in tune". But it can obviously be abused and trivialized to the point where it becomes nothing but a tool of control and manipulation.
Yes, I agree.
 

Inaut

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Ok, I will give you an example of what I mean….

Whenever my husband and I go out to a restaurant, and the meal is delicious and I (the wife) have expressed my pleasure of how good the meal was, and how delicious it was etc., my husband is so pleased and kind of takes personal responciblity for the way the dinner turned out, even though he was not personally involved in making the meal. I usually enjoy most of the meals when we go out to eat, since we both share common food cuisine interests.

Yet, on the rare occasion when we go out to a restaurant and my particular dish is terrible, and I express that the meal was not so good, my husband almost acts like it is his fault that I am not happy with the meal, even though he had nothing to do with whether the quality of the meal is good or not. He still acts like it was his fault that I am not happy with the meal.

Even though I have clearly let him know it is not him but the restaurant that is the issue. I let him know that it certainly isn’t his fault that the meal was not good.

My question is, why do men feel responcible for the happiness of their wife/girlfriend when it is not legitimately their responcibility?

I have noticed this in other incidences as well. Why do men feel like the happiness of their wife/girlfriend is their responcibilty? I know it’s not just my situation but other women have expressed this as well.

Just plain curious…
Probably because he really loves you and values you highly. The old adage applies as well... "happy wife, happy life"
 

Herbie

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I want to add that most women don't understand how miserable men's lives are and by going out to dinner with his beloved, it's a rare moment of happiness and if his beloved is not happy then it's just bad because it ruins that small moment in time.
 

Nomane Euger

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I want to add that most women don't understand how miserable men's lives are and by going out to dinner with his beloved, it's a rare moment of happiness and if his beloved is not happy then it's just bad because it ruins that small moment in time.
hi herbie,if the sole factor determining if the man is having a happy moment with the woman is how the meal taste,then the man is having a neutral or unpleasant moment overall and is in a suboptimal state to enjoy the woman presence and be happy and make the woman enjoy his own presence and to make her happy even with a bad tasting meal,he is probably just feeling neutral or bad ,and he wait and expect the woman gratitude to feel something positive
 
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OP
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I want to add that most women don't understand how miserable men's lives are and by going out to dinner with his beloved, it's a rare moment of happiness and if his beloved is not happy then it's just bad because it ruins that small moment in time.
How miserable men’s lives are?
 
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Probably because males see females as the "extension" of themselves in some ways, particularly older guys with more "traditional values" who expect to please their wives/females in a different fashion/process than that of under 30s (younger guys focus more on "sexual provision" & most young guys these days have no money anyways)

A guy dedicates his own life purpose to pleasing a woman like his wife or such, so when she isn't happy, who is to blame? Nature or him? What do you think?

If nature was to blame then your husband would not be your husband ... He would possibly not know you or even care to be honest. He knows he is your husband, so when does something for you and can't believe it's making you happy, who else is to blame then but him? I think it's pretty easy to understand when you view it this way.

See many guys spend their whole living aiming to please woman ... "Traditional" guys try by wooing first, but all areas are normally expected to be covered: sexual, lifestyle, financial, etc. (though all aren't always required/expected). If he is taking you out to dinner he is trying to please you in this way ... So if you're not happy he has simply "failed" in a sense. After all, who is the one offering something to whom? If you admitted he pays for it all then he "offers it all" to you. I'd imagine if you split the bill or paid altogether he would not feel responsible ... Or at least shouldn't. It makes no sense to have a provider & then question why the provider is unhappy when you are unhappy with what's being provided. If this is the case maybe reconsider a man's part as provider & your part as the providee -- maybe you'll arrive at a new understanding.

It doesn't even have to be your husband ... Could be your brother, other male relative, etc. He is doing something for others, so if they express disapproval or not being pleased, who is to be blamed? Who will "bear the cross" in this scenario? Just imagine you pay for a guy and take him out and he says it all sucks ... What would you feel? Women or girls sometimes take for granted the fact that they have men in their lives doing things for them to make them happy, yet they wonder why said men or males are displeased when they are. I mean think about it ... Wouldn't you feel like ***t too if it was YOU who was the 'provider' and the 'providee' was unhappy?
 
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Cloudhands

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men provide for their women, if woman is unhappy man feels instinctively like there is a problem that needs to be fixed, men are mechanistic and problem solvers, women are more emotionally in tune, not that both cant be either. After being into health and food for a long time, whenever my GF expresses feeling shitty i start going over what vitamins or minerals she could be lacking, what she may have ate or not ate, the state of her horomones, etc. and sometimes i suspect that her believing in me and trusting along with my process of deductions helps her heal whatever she was feeling just because shes experiencing someone who cares about her and helps her explore options and avenues. If she isnt enjoying work or school, i act like a mirror and help her explore her options by listening and asking questions, and if the food at a resturaunt doesnt taste good i ask what we can do to fix it, and even if she decides that shes just gonna deal with it, having someone there who cares enough to consider helping her out probably makes up a little bit for the subpar experience
 
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