Jennifer's Cellular Regeneration Log

[Dutchie]

Hehe. I know I’d have at least one viewer. I’ll make some crispy veggies in the air fryer just for you. I could end it with a headless mukbang. Talk about random things that no one would be interested in and cure the insomniacs out there.

Apparently with these mukbangs, viewers also find it satisfying to hear the sound of the food being eaten.
Lol...so a headless mukbang zoomed in on the food with chewing sounds might just become the newest YT succes! xD

 

[sweetpeat]

Here’s the recipe, @sweetpeat:

Copy Cat Cracker Barrel Hashbrown Casserole Recipe

This is my favorite casserole ever! Cracker Barrel Hashbrown Casserole needs just 5 minutes of prep and is absolutely cheesy, delicious and completely irresistible! This is a perfect breakfast casserole for when you're getting a group together for a delicious breakfast or brunch.

www.spendwithpennies.com

My mum used to buy in bulk and had a lot of condensed soup and frozen shredded potatoes so this recipe was to use them up, and my dad ended up really liking it. It’s also good with the addition of sausage. In case you’re interested, this is the cream of chicken soup I use:

https://www.vitacost.com/pacific-foods-organic-soup-cream-of-chicken?ta=cream+of+chicken&t=cream+of+chicken

Looks delicious! I can't wait to try it.
Do you shred your own potatoes, or are you able to find frozen without added PUFA?

 

[Jennifer]

Apparently with these mukbangs, viewers also find it satisfying to hear the sound of the food being eaten.
Lol...so a headless mukbang zoomed in on the food with chewing sounds might just become the newest YT succes! xD

Oh, yeah! ASMR. If only Cricket and Bee were still alive. Dogs make crunchy food sound like the best tasting thing ever. I should zoom in on my feet too for the people with a foot fetish. I must give my viewers what they want. Nothing more than that, though.

Looks delicious! I can't wait to try it.
Do you shred your own potatoes, or are you able to find frozen without added PUFA?

My mum bought many bags of Trader Joe’s shredded hash browns so I’ve been using those up. The only ingredients are potato and dextrose. I’m not sure if TJ’s still sells it, but this is what the package looks like:

 

[sweetpeat]

My mum bought many bags of Trader Joe’s shredded hash browns so I’ve been using those up. The only ingredients are potato and dextrose.

Oh good! Nice to see that there's a product like that out there. A bit of a time saver. I don't shop at Trader Joe's but maybe my local store has something similar.

 

[Jennifer]

Oh good! Nice to see that there's a product like that out there. A bit of a time saver. I don't shop at Trader Joe's but maybe my local store has something similar.

There’s also Whole Foods’ 365 brand, but it does contain citric acid. Trader Joe’s is the only one without preservatives that I’ve been able to find in my area so hopefully you have better luck. I did see that some Walmarts and Targets carry the brand Mr. Dell’s. It’s only ingredient is potatoes:

Mr. Dell Foods, Inc. - Kearney, Missouri

www.mrdells.com

 

[sweetpeat]

There’s also Whole Foods’ 365 brand, but it does contain citric acid. Trader Joe’s is the only one without preservatives that I’ve been able to find in my area so hopefully you have better luck. I did see that some Walmarts and Targets carry the brand Mr. Dell’s. It’s only ingredient is potatoes:

Mr. Dell Foods, Inc. - Kearney, Missouri

www.mrdells.com

Cool! Thanks. I do have both Walmart and Target quite close by. It's funny but I don't usually think to shop them for groceries.

 

[Jennifer]

Cool! Thanks. I do have both Walmart and Target quite close by. It's funny but I don't usually think to shop them for groceries.

You’re welcome. :) Surprisingly, Walmart had really good and harder to find varieties of melon, grapes and apples when I was following the fruitarian diet. Oh, and white donut peaches. They were also priced the best. I used to order cases of melons—canary, sugar kiss, honey kiss, and green, golden and orange-fleshed honeydew. They’re also the only place I’ve been able to find frozen peaches without citric or ascorbic acid added—their Great Value brand.

 

[Richiebogie]

Henny Penny the AWOL rooster is a sweet story!

One rescue pigeon we looked after for a few months would sit on my shoulder and gently tap my ear! I could hear his tiny breaths!

Our current rescue pigeon is a very timid, native species. We were attempting to release him on Saturday after 10 months but we couldn’t find any others of his breed in the park!

It was just as well we didn’t release him as I noticed he had a thread wrapped around one of his feet, and so that night we needed to hold him to cut it off safely!

He had been becoming more friendly, sitting on my lap while Mozart’s 23rd piano concerto was playing on my phone, but after the day out and the “operation” he became traumatised and barely ate!

Yesterday he seemed too sad to resist me getting him to hop onto my fingers to take him into the bathroom and chat to him in front of the mirror. (I find that’s the best way to teach them about mirrors by showing them my reflection next to theirs)! He let me put my cheek against his head.

Hopefully we will find some of his relatives doing well soon. They seem to be outnumbered by more aggressive birds!

 

[Jennifer]

Aww…poor boy. He’s beautiful. I hope he overcomes the trauma soon and you’re able to find him his flock. How cute that he would sit on your lap listening to Mozart, and how wonderful that you’re rehabilitating birds, Richie. My family actually raised birds. My brother’s cockatiels, Coco and Beethoven, used to sit on our shoulders and preen our hair and rest their head in our necks so I know what you mean about their breathing. My cockatiel, Dusty, had anxiety and didn’t like people touching her, but I used to relax her and could put her to sleep just by talking to her softly. She had a small cowbell that hung from her cage over her perch and she liked to fall asleep with her head in it. lol I still have her bell.

I grew up with a bird cage spanning the length of my bedroom wall and it housed over 20 parakeets, including babies. They were quite noisy, but I loved it! I was surrounded by animals. We had the birds, a dog, fish, a cat and rabbits. I’ve always loved animals and babies and when I was a little girl, I prayed for a rabbit and for God to leave a baby on my doorstep so I could take care of her. I was a weird child. lol Anyhow, one afternoon while arriving home from cheerleading practice, I saw (domesticated) baby rabbits popping out from under my doorstep. There were 7 total and they were so tiny I used to fit them all in a picnic basket and carry them down the street to my friends house to run around and play.

When you mentioned chatting to that sweet boy above in front of the mirror, I was reminded of the Goffin’s cockatoo Griffi:


View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VOrGBImEC8Y

 

[-Luke-]

My brother’s cockatiels, Coco and Beethoven

Did Beethoven like to listen to Mozart, too?

 

[Jennifer]

Did Beethoven like to listen to Mozart, too?

Hehe. Nope, Beethoven liked Metallica.

 

[Richiebogie]

Hi @Jennifer. What an amazing dancer Griffi is!

I wonder if he is missing something in his diet that would calm him down and help him retain his feathers!

I liked the story of Dusty falling asleep with her head in a bell! They all have their own personalities!

You certainly lived amongst the birds!

We feed 2 rainbow lorikeets in the park. They are pretty but you have to keep your fingers under the container as they can bite and draw blood. A guy at the park said he once added one to a cage and it killed the other birds!

Since this photo was taken we realised they only eat the sunflower seeds from the seed mix so we now prepare a container with about 70 sunflower seeds in case they fly up to us!

They also like bread when others in the park offer that!

 

[Jennifer]

Hi @Richiebogie,

Yes, the girl definitely has moves.

I’m not sure about her diet but I do know Griffi is a rescue and comes from a traumatic past. It’s really sad and seems fairly common for cockatoos. There’s another rescued Goffin’s on YouTube who also dances and plucks her feathers. Her name is Coco. Perhaps anti-anxiety herbs like chamomile and passion flower are safe for birds or even Progest-E? When my dog Cricket was dying from cancer, I gave her Progest-E thinking it might help and years later I came across a quote where Ray had recommended it for a sick dog. Progest-E was one of only three things Cricket would consume in the end. She’d quickly lick it off my finger and want more.

The lorikeets are so pretty, but a bit dangerous it seems. lol Was it a wild lorikeet that the guy at the park added to the cage? I find the pigeon’s and lorikeets’ seed preferences so interesting. Dusty, Beethoven and Coco loved corn and berries. They also liked cuttlebone.

 

[Richiebogie]

I think that guy purchased the lorikeet as a pet, but maybe the bird was recently captured, or could not overcome his instincts!

The lorikeets seem to be increasing in numbers in our area! They are quite possessive of one shrub in the park rich in seeds, and they chase the wattle birds away!

Wow, Coco is similar to Griffi! Talk about dancing the blues away!


View: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wd0KsY047IU

 

[Jennifer]

Oh, okay. That’s sad but in a way, I can understand it. The act of caging in strangers, especially the same gender and those with a traumatic past, always seemed risky to me. If they feel threatened, they have no real way of fleeing so perhaps they feel the only option is to battle it out.

For sure! Coco is pure joy. In the video below, she’s like a little squeaky toy. It’s sad that she feels the need to pluck out her feathers but I think she’s so stinkin’ cute with that little tuft of feathers on her head. She reminds me of a Jim Henson puppet in the movie Labyrinth:


View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVQvBQcIeT4

 

[Richiebogie]

Very sweet!

Coco couldn’t entice Newman to join in though!

Wouldn’t she get a surprise if she were to meet Griffi?!

 

[Jennifer]

Very sweet!

Coco couldn’t entice Newman to join in though!

Wouldn’t she get a surprise if she were to meet Griffi?!

I would so want to be there if Coco and Griffi met. I image there would be quite the dance party.

 

[Jennifer]

Update:

I’ve been making so much progress with my training, but I felt called to talk about my history with sexual abuse so I’m saving the training log for a future update. The sexual abuse is the most painful part of my life, and it’s something I haven’t gone into too much detail about because it makes me feel like I’m standing in front of you naked, however, you’ve all been so kind to me over the years and I believe it’s important to face my fears, and I don’t want you to just see my victories, I want you to see my struggles, too. My hope with logging is that you recognize your own potential—the human potential—and never give up on yourself because you’re worth seeing it through. Like my physical injury, the abuse is something I’ve been actively trying to overcome and I believe the emotional body is just as real as the physical one, and needs just as much attention if we want to be balanced, whole and healthy. The voice is powerful and I’ve worked hard to find mine, and I have a little girl in me who is begging to be heard. I made a promise to her years ago that I would never ignore her again so I’m handing her the mic…

I won’t go into too much detail about the sexual abuse I suffered, but I want to share the impact that it has had on my life. For most of my life, I believed that it was my fault. I didn’t understand that a child, even if they feel something is wrong, doesn’t understand that what is happening is not their fault. Feeling pleasure from sexual acts does not indicate receptivity, it is not an invitation. A child is not an adult and therefor, it is not consensual, it is rape, and rape of the worst kind. It’s the raping of innocence. I’m hard pressed to remember a time when I didn’t feel like an adult, and I can remember things as far back as infancy. Even as a child, in many ways, I was parenting. As I’ve mentioned in a previous log, I had a sick mum and she suffered from debilitating migraines. She used to say I had a gentle touch, and I would comb her hair for hours because it relieved her pain, so I know firsthand how healing touch can be, but I also know firsthand how it can destroy, too.

I understand I wouldn’t be here if two people hadn’t come together, you know, the birth of two souls in one—but what do you do when you’re petrified of a man’s touch and reject any who get too close, not so much because you don’t trust him but mostly because you don’t trust yourself? Add to that, having been sized-up and told which parts of me make me less than womanly, and how no guy would ever choose me over the voluptuous women of the world, in a way infantilizing me and stripping me of my womanhood. My self-esteem has been low, but never so low that I would ever accept being a man’s consolation prize. I respect myself and him far too much for us to settle for that, and though I may be small, I’m every bit a woman as the next. I have faith that the right man for me will be one that is strong enough to be gentle with me, and not take it personally if at first, I recoil. When you’ve been smacked around enough by life, even the most loving touch at first causes one to flinch. I promise that the rejection is felt both ways. It is never a good feeling to hurt someone because someone hurt you, long before they were ever in the picture.

I know that this may be triggering for some people, but I forgive my abuser and even have empathy for her. I don’t know if she had been sexually abused also, but I do know for certain she was abused. Though older than me, she was really still just a child herself and had been exposed to porn early on, and then acted it out on me. I won’t argue whether or not pornography is immoral—there is no judgement from me—I’ll just say that no child should be exposed to it and I give major props to those who recognize they have a problem and work hard to overcome it. People like me know the magnitude of that, and I thank you. Still, even though I forgive her, it has been challenging to forget. When a man tries getting close to me, even when I really like him, I struggle to forget.

Years later, when I was old enough to process how wrong what she did to me was, but not wise enough yet to realize that it wasn’t my fault, that I wasn’t a consenting adult and didn’t ask for it just because I was aroused, that it didn’t mean I was attracted to females, not that I believe there’s anything wrong with that—my god doesn’t make mistakes—I realized that it didn’t just rob me of childhood innocence, it robbed me of expressing romantic love, and I have love in spades to give—I consider it just as much my superpower as it is my kryptonite. It’s an incredibly isolating thing, to hold such a secret, such feelings of shame, and for so long. I grew up Catholic, went to parochial school, and even though my family wasn’t particularly religious, I believed in the Christian God and that I wouldn’t be accepted into heaven with my family because of my “sin.” I planned on taking my secret with me to my grave, but when my back broke so did my filter and it all came out. My mum was the first person I told.

Through climbing these past months and reflecting, I realized that the last time I truly felt innocent, i.e, not like a criminal, was right before I had been touched in ways no child should ever be touched. It happened when I was so young that there aren’t many years to draw from, but they were magic to me nonetheless and continued to be what I drew from each time my world collapsed. It’s not a stretch to say that I’ve been dancing for my life. In those brief innocent years, my mum had given me an incredible gift. She gave me the gift of dance. When I was 3, she enrolled me in dance classes. Because I was so shy and attached to her she worried I would struggle without her later in life and wanted me to gain a sense of independence. At the time, it seemed like her plan failed—I remained velcro—but her gift has gotten me through the darkest times of my life, including her own passing.

Recently, I’ve been feeling called to dance in a way I haven’t since I was a little girl. I joked about my experience with therapy in another thread, and while everything I wrote was true, I had only had three sessions, which ended in what most of my conversations seem to since fracturing—nutritional science, and my therapist asking for dietary advice. Every tool she was recommending to me I had already been actively applying since I was a child so she felt there was nothing else she could offer. I learned early on how to cope. What I didn’t learn is how to release the trauma. It’s a difficult thing to describe, but it feels like baby Jennifer is screaming to be heard. It seemed to me I had finally broken through the wall I had built when the molestation was occurring so I looked into whether or not dance therapy was a treatment for victims of sexual abuse and apparently it is. In case anyone is interested:

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/263762689_Her_Body_Speaks_The_Experience_of_Dance_Therapy_for_Women_Survivors_of_Child_Sexual_Abuse

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/327895847_Moving_to_Prevent_Child_Sexual_Abuse_DanceMovement_Therapy_as_Primary_Prevention

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/15248380221086898

When I fractured, so much had been taken from me. I lost my life savings and business, my independence, all but one of my friends, and the one thing I was always good at and made me feel alive—moving my body. I fractured so young that despite having grown up far before my time, I feel way behind my peers when it comes to certain important milestones. While they were becoming adults, building careers and having families, I was learning how to walk, bathe myself, go to the restroom on my own etc., but I can’t ignore how fracturing saved my life and I’m learning that my experiences have been just as profound and life-affirming, and I have yet to meet anyone who has completely nailed adulting.

For a week now, I’ve been catching myself holding my chest and crying. I don’t feel chest pains, no shortness of breath, nothing. I feel the healthiest I have in maybe forever, but there has been no end to my crying. Something was telling me that it needed my attention. It finally hit me that I’ve been protecting my heart. The 15th made one year since my mum’s passing a.k.a her rebirthday and I’ve been feeling particularly vulnerable. Now that I’m finally healthy again, it means stepping out into the world, having adult relationships, and I don’t have my mum in the physical to guide me. It has been an incredibly lonely and isolating road to walk, however, as I climb and cry, I’m reminded that no man is an island and no island is isolated—it is connected to everything—and every time the sky cries, its pooling tears embrace the island, reassuring it that it’s not alone. I feel reassured knowing that every time I step onto a trail, the trees will be there, with their branches reaching out for me, letting me know I’m not alone, that I’m where I belong. There are a lot of hurt people in the world and I’m no longer ashamed to admit, I’m one of them.

She is why I continue to fight…




View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_MCAYydaJG0

 

[-Luke-]

Hey Jennifer. Not a beautiful topic, but you managed to make a beautiful post out of it, as always. I admire your fighter's heart and your ability to see something good in the bad. Would like to give you a hug right now, I hope you appreciate a virtual hug as well.

 

[Jennifer]

Hey Jennifer. Not a beautiful topic, but you managed to make a beautiful post out of it, as always. I admire your fighter's heart and your ability to see something good in the bad. Would like to give you a hug right now, I hope you appreciate a virtual hug as well.

*hand on heart* Thank you, Lumière. We transmute darkness into light, right? I appreciate and gladly accept your virtual hug. :) I promise my next log will be far less heavy. There are so many good things happening. This girl has been coming alive.