Lol maybe in some other lifetime. Definitely not getting any in this one, albeit that's an amount that matches my circumstances.
Try not to enforce this thought. Challenge it with a opposite one, even if its just for the sole reason that you have nothing to loose. even if you think there is no point. If it does not matter it's not gonna hurt right? I am not talking about building false hope but simple bombarding urself and your brain with different thoughts.
I know from my own experience the place your in. It "is" impossible that it could be true. Let me tell you that while im still dwelling in an awfull state myself, i tasted, even if it were just 3-5 days in my life that it CAN be different. And believe me i was dead set to believe that it is not possible. Such moments are so profound, it makes you wonder who that miserable person even was, you can't even relate, you are confident and wonder "is this how life couldve been all along? Is this what i've been missing out on for all this time? Is that why the question "whats wrong with me" haunted me all my life?"
I just couldn't figure out yet how to get into that state again. And believe me if i tell you that that feeling or being like that changes your life more than anything else could. It just has to become the new baseline of your health/personality.
In this state, things that bother you about your body suddenly dont. You don't care because you feel and know your awsome. You see possibilities that you never knew you had. Fears that literally crippled and paralyzed you are not even there to begin with. Thats what people call confidence, but they never actually explain what it is and how to attain it. And its not coming from the gym i can tell you that much, i just know it is tied to health, real health.
There is a reason/cause why your in that "state" (dont know a better word for it) and why your kept there regardless of all the interventions and efforts you've put in there.
Is it psychological thing that goes beyond mommy/daddy/childhood issues? Is it a biological process such as fungi or bacteria/parasites altering your neurotransmitter/brain and keeping you depressed? Or is it the chemicals from our industrialized world that damage every cell in ur body and the unique damage caused by it messed up your hormonal system/brain? I dont know. Hell i wish i could make sense of it.
Men i wish you find a way to get to a proper baseline, i wish i do too. I believe in situations like this one needs support. Finding that is difficult too. It may not comfort you, but you are not alone.