I have embodied death

GelatinGoblin

Member
Joined
Apr 15, 2020
Messages
798
I have been awake for 34 hours. It is 5:00 AM now.
Woke up at 7:00 PM before yesterday. Did necessary stuff then I went to bed at 3:00 AM yesterday. I did not sleep. Got up from bed at 11:00 AM. Family gathering real fun driving across my country flash to 11:00 PM yesterday. Dead tired. I did not sleep. Went to bed at 3:00 AM today. I did not sleep. Masturbated and came to porn an hour ago. I feel as if I commited physical and spiritual suicide. I was so lost this night... Everything felt surrealistic almost as if I had Schizophrenia or Paranoia. My life is a tale of confusion for me. Everything does not make sense for me. How am I supposed to finish my education? How am I supposed to enlist in the army? What the hell are these people I see online? So I masturbated after a long abstinence of no Orgasm but twice Masturbation with Porn but it was near the start of the streak. It has been a while since those 2. I struggled in the past with masturbation and pornography. I want Chastity now.
I don't want to die, I'm very young. I have closed my heart against Christ and I may have killed myself like Judas. Confusion confusion confusion... I'm in trouble and I need help but only I can help myself. I have no options. I feel weak. How far have I gone? Wow... I have strayed too far out at sea. If I reached shore I don't even know what I would do. I am drifting aimlessly until I succumb to entropy. This is exactly what the "anti-Christ" wants. Wow...
How can this happen? Wow... Life comes down to a choice between order and chaos, life and death, "Negentropy" and Entropy.
I must kill my ego or I will die completely. Fully submit to Christ. Wow... Nothing makes sense.
I am a classic Judas. The thought of this is disturbing. How have I played myself into Biblical axioms. How is Christ so relevent and such an urgent choice?? Death or life. I must choose. I must choose. Please I need input... This is serious... I can't believe it. I really cannot believe this is happening. I have no choice. Life or death so it is life. no option. ****. Why can I not be casual. Wow...
 

Peatful

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Joined
Dec 8, 2016
Messages
3,582
No. You’re fine.
It’s wonderful to see that the Holy Spirit guides and protects you.
Like Elijah, who felt confused and alone- go rest.
Like him- you’re exhausted.
Like him- God will provide for you.
Rest in Him.
 

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GelatinGoblin

GelatinGoblin

Member
Joined
Apr 15, 2020
Messages
798
No. You’re fine.
It’s wonderful to see that the Holy Spirit guides and protects you.
Like Elijah, who felt confused and alone- go rest.
Like him- you’re exhausted.
Like him- God will provide for you.
Rest in Him.
No words can describe my gratitude. Thank you very much.
 

CreakyJoints

Member
Joined
Mar 30, 2020
Messages
304
You must be exhausted, I think you really really really really just need to go to bed. Your depersonalised/delirious state is exactly what someone should expect when they stay up for as long as you have - perhaps you'll be pleased to hear the situation is absolutely not unique.

Attempting to read a nice, boring book whilst lying in bed might help. Like Mangoes said, go to sleep. You will wake up feeling much less weird.
 

skittles

Member
Joined
Jan 12, 2013
Messages
141
I have been awake for 34 hours. It is 5:00 AM now.
Woke up at 7:00 PM before yesterday. Did necessary stuff then I went to bed at 3:00 AM yesterday. I did not sleep. Got up from bed at 11:00 AM. Family gathering real fun driving across my country flash to 11:00 PM yesterday. Dead tired. I did not sleep. Went to bed at 3:00 AM today. I did not sleep. Masturbated and came to porn an hour ago. I feel as if I commited physical and spiritual suicide. I was so lost this night... Everything felt surrealistic almost as if I had Schizophrenia or Paranoia. My life is a tale of confusion for me. Everything does not make sense for me. How am I supposed to finish my education? How am I supposed to enlist in the army? What the hell are these people I see online? So I masturbated after a long abstinence of no Orgasm but twice Masturbation with Porn but it was near the start of the streak. It has been a while since those 2. I struggled in the past with masturbation and pornography. I want Chastity now.
I don't want to die, I'm very young. I have closed my heart against Christ and I may have killed myself like Judas. Confusion confusion confusion... I'm in trouble and I need help but only I can help myself. I have no options. I feel weak. How far have I gone? Wow... I have strayed too far out at sea. If I reached shore I don't even know what I would do. I am drifting aimlessly until I succumb to entropy. This is exactly what the "anti-Christ" wants. Wow...
How can this happen? Wow... Life comes down to a choice between order and chaos, life and death, "Negentropy" and Entropy.
I must kill my ego or I will die completely. Fully submit to Christ. Wow... Nothing makes sense.
I am a classic Judas. The thought of this is disturbing. How have I played myself into Biblical axioms. How is Christ so relevent and such an urgent choice?? Death or life. I must choose. I must choose. Please I need input... This is serious... I can't believe it. I really cannot believe this is happening. I have no choice. Life or death so it is life. no option. ****. Why can I not be casual. Wow...
You're forgiven. Nobody's perfect. I think the important thing is overcoming your vices over time. You observe yourself, and the more you reflect on yourself doing unfulfilling things in life, the more power you'll have to control them next time. Things aren't so absolute. Just gently guide yourself in the right direction over time.
And listen to mangoes, go to sleep. Lol
 

Nomane Euger

Member
Joined
Sep 22, 2020
Messages
1,407
I have been awake for 34 hours. It is 5:00 AM now.
Woke up at 7:00 PM before yesterday. Did necessary stuff then I went to bed at 3:00 AM yesterday. I did not sleep. Got up from bed at 11:00 AM. Family gathering real fun driving across my country flash to 11:00 PM yesterday. Dead tired. I did not sleep. Went to bed at 3:00 AM today. I did not sleep. Masturbated and came to porn an hour ago. I feel as if I commited physical and spiritual suicide. I was so lost this night... Everything felt surrealistic almost as if I had Schizophrenia or Paranoia. My life is a tale of confusion for me. Everything does not make sense for me. How am I supposed to finish my education? How am I supposed to enlist in the army? What the hell are these people I see online? So I masturbated after a long abstinence of no Orgasm but twice Masturbation with Porn but it was near the start of the streak. It has been a while since those 2. I struggled in the past with masturbation and pornography. I want Chastity now.
I don't want to die, I'm very young. I have closed my heart against Christ and I may have killed myself like Judas. Confusion confusion confusion... I'm in trouble and I need help but only I can help myself. I have no options. I feel weak. How far have I gone? Wow... I have strayed too far out at sea. If I reached shore I don't even know what I would do. I am drifting aimlessly until I succumb to entropy. This is exactly what the "anti-Christ" wants. Wow...
How can this happen? Wow... Life comes down to a choice between order and chaos, life and death, "Negentropy" and Entropy.
I must kill my ego or I will die completely. Fully submit to Christ. Wow... Nothing makes sense.
I am a classic Judas. The thought of this is disturbing. How have I played myself into Biblical axioms. How is Christ so relevent and such an urgent choice?? Death or life. I must choose. I must choose. Please I need input... This is serious... I can't believe it. I really cannot believe this is happening. I have no choice. Life or death so it is life. no option. ****. Why can I not be casual. Wow...
Fight demons until dawn with resilience,and then rest,take exemple on your profil picture
 

StephanF

Member
Forum Supporter
Joined
Jul 8, 2014
Messages
707
Location
Reno
Around full moon I experience light sleep and wake up often. Full moon is tomorrow, after that, sleep is deeper. I take half a 2.5mg melatonin tablet when I go to bed and the other half if I wake up.

In your situation, maybe your bed is in a bad place, there are real earth energies that can affect sleep and health. I posted on this subject before:


Post in thread 'I Want To Sleep'
I Want To Sleep

I have an aluminum fly-screen under my mattress, which is grounded. Sometimes I have a 9 V battery inserted in the grounding connection such that the screen is connected to the positive pole and the ground connected to the negative pole.

Hope you’ll find your sleep soon.
 

Ignoramus

Member
Joined
Mar 30, 2020
Messages
185
Stop thinking. Do the best thing that you can, and do that always. Make that your new way of being.
 

Ignoramus

Member
Joined
Mar 30, 2020
Messages
185
This includes being less hard on yourself. Add value to the world and have faith that some of that value will be reciprocated. Think about what you want, and what others want, and move towards that; make that your religion.

Good luck buddy <3
 

Chophouse360

Member
Joined
Jan 6, 2021
Messages
198
I have been awake for 34 hours. It is 5:00 AM now.
Woke up at 7:00 PM before yesterday. Did necessary stuff then I went to bed at 3:00 AM yesterday. I did not sleep. Got up from bed at 11:00 AM. Family gathering real fun driving across my country flash to 11:00 PM yesterday. Dead tired. I did not sleep. Went to bed at 3:00 AM today. I did not sleep. Masturbated and came to porn an hour ago. I feel as if I commited physical and spiritual suicide. I was so lost this night... Everything felt surrealistic almost as if I had Schizophrenia or Paranoia. My life is a tale of confusion for me. Everything does not make sense for me. How am I supposed to finish my education? How am I supposed to enlist in the army? What the hell are these people I see online? So I masturbated after a long abstinence of no Orgasm but twice Masturbation with Porn but it was near the start of the streak. It has been a while since those 2. I struggled in the past with masturbation and pornography. I want Chastity now.
I don't want to die, I'm very young. I have closed my heart against Christ and I may have killed myself like Judas. Confusion confusion confusion... I'm in trouble and I need help but only I can help myself. I have no options. I feel weak. How far have I gone? Wow... I have strayed too far out at sea. If I reached shore I don't even know what I would do. I am drifting aimlessly until I succumb to entropy. This is exactly what the "anti-Christ" wants. Wow...
How can this happen? Wow... Life comes down to a choice between order and chaos, life and death, "Negentropy" and Entropy.
I must kill my ego or I will die completely. Fully submit to Christ. Wow... Nothing makes sense.
I am a classic Judas. The thought of this is disturbing. How have I played myself into Biblical axioms. How is Christ so relevent and such an urgent choice?? Death or life. I must choose. I must choose. Please I need input... This is serious... I can't believe it. I really cannot believe this is happening. I have no choice. Life or death so it is life. no option. ****. Why can I not be casual. Wow...
I have been awake for 34 hours. It is 5:00 AM now.
Woke up at 7:00 PM before yesterday. Did necessary stuff then I went to bed at 3:00 AM yesterday. I did not sleep. Got up from bed at 11:00 AM. Family gathering real fun driving across my country flash to 11:00 PM yesterday. Dead tired. I did not sleep. Went to bed at 3:00 AM today. I did not sleep. Masturbated and came to porn an hour ago. I feel as if I commited physical and spiritual suicide. I was so lost this night... Everything felt surrealistic almost as if I had Schizophrenia or Paranoia. My life is a tale of confusion for me. Everything does not make sense for me. How am I supposed to finish my education? How am I supposed to enlist in the army? What the hell are these people I see online? So I masturbated after a long abstinence of no Orgasm but twice Masturbation with Porn but it was near the start of the streak. It has been a while since those 2. I struggled in the past with masturbation and pornography. I want Chastity now.
I don't want to die, I'm very young. I have closed my heart against Christ and I may have killed myself like Judas. Confusion confusion confusion... I'm in trouble and I need help but only I can help myself. I have no options. I feel weak. How far have I gone? Wow... I have strayed too far out at sea. If I reached shore I don't even know what I would do. I am drifting aimlessly until I succumb to entropy. This is exactly what the "anti-Christ" wants. Wow...
How can this happen? Wow... Life comes down to a choice between order and chaos, life and death, "Negentropy" and Entropy.
I must kill my ego or I will die completely. Fully submit to Christ. Wow... Nothing makes sense.
I am a classic Judas. The thought of this is disturbing. How have I played myself into Biblical axioms. How is Christ so relevent and such an urgent choice?? Death or life. I must choose. I must choose. Please I need input... This is serious... I can't believe it. I really cannot believe this is happening. I have no choice. Life or death so it is life. no option. ****. Why can I not be casual. Wow...
Sounds like a poem
 

Ryan33

Member
Joined
Dec 8, 2020
Messages
104
I thought I was tripping for a second there while reading this.
Jesus is always the answer tho my friend
 

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