I Don't Think I Can Recover, Suicidal| Mental Health Log

SuperStressed

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I need somewhere to log my thoughts and experiments and I thought I may as well tell my story publicly and perhaps get different point of views about how to approach this problem. The title says suicidal because I constantly think that it could be the only way out of this hell. I dont want to die, I want to recover but is it even possible?

Growing up I was obviously hypothyroid, I had no energy, not much enjoyment doing things, couldnt sleep or get up, moody (but not depressed), would urinate a lot and had social anxiety. These things made my childhood bad but it was hell of a lot better than what was to come.

Only when I was 19 did I start to make a hormonal connection to how I had always felt. If I knew what I know now at 27 thanks to Peat and this community, I would have been able to recover fully with relative ease.

I sadly fell for the thyroid yahoo groups and anti-aging bull****. Let me tell you, those Yahoo groups are a cult- Any symptoms you have simply require more oral steroids or thyroid hormone and they dont like people questioning this, at least not back in 2012.

I did one of those saliva cortisol tests which showed low cortisol in the morning and high at night so i tried Hydrocortisone and felt an immediate difference, it was incredible actually. Brain fog down, energy up, mood up. Then I started to add in insane amounts of T3 as per the groups instructions and got really confused about it all so I decided I would fly to Belgium and see a 'famous' anti-aging doctor and get this stuff prescribed.

To cut a long story short, he put me on methylprednisolone (Medrol) and it totally changed my world in the worst way imaginable. Before this, I was always mentally stable, never suffered from depression and always had a sense of well being and a mindset of "my health is bad but ill figure it out eventually"

Medrol had me crying constantly for no reason, hyper emotional, pacing back and forth like a stereotypical 'mental patient' from TV, I couldnt stay still. I would would wake up after a couple of hours sleep, leave the house and just pace around my local town and city all day in terror, I didnt know what the **** I was experiencing yet I stayed on the steroids because in this crazy mental health nightmare that I was dragged into it somehow made sense, the anxiety and stress was so intense that I thought coming off the medrol meant I couldnt get better. To be honest with you, it doesnt make much sense but when you're trapped in terror 24/7 nothing does.

After about 8 months to a year my Mother finally contacted mental health services and they told me that the steroids were causing this. I weaned off the steroids. After weaning off the steroids I didnt go back to my old self and was still more or less stuck in the same state, it took about a year to calm down just slightly. I resisted all drugs that were offered at this time as I was scared to death of drugs after this had happened to me and I didnt trust doctors.

6-7 years later after I first took medrol, here I am thinking that recovery isnt actually possible.
 
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SuperStressed

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In my current state I am so stressed and sensitive to stress that any kind of routine or attempt to follow any kind of lifestyle or dietary plan raises my stress to such unthinkable levels, the anxiety and obsessive thinking is just unbelievable and you can add chronic fatigue ontop of that.

I am aware of most of Peats views on diet but I am simply unable to implement them without freaking out, ive been stuck here for years. It has proven impossible to calm down because I cannot implement the long term changes that will get me better. The stress is too much and overwelming, it traps me in a state of obsessive anxious thinking and makes it hard to eat.

ofcourse I experience this stress even if im not trying to implement things but it just gets even worse if I try to. Life is unbearable.

Having to focus on anything will stress me out so much. I need a substance that can be taken on its own to lower stress.

Ive tried:
Aspirin
Taurine
Glycine
Gaba
Niacinamide
Theanine
B Vitamins
Alpha blockers
Clonidine (couldnt take significant dose as I got too dizzy)
T3
Progesterone
Pregnenolone
Methylene blue - up to 2mg
Cyproheptadine
Metergoline
Tianeptine
Antibiotics


Im sure theres stuff im forgetting but the point is, none of it seems to work at all.

Even taking my temperature creates a huge stress response, this makes temperature tracking seem pointless. I get stressed by the actual act of following a methodical approach. I don't think I get a temperature response to t3.
 

SuperStressed

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I have given up trying to eat no starch or fibres as the diet is too stressful for me to do, I dont enjoy the food and its too liquid, this just stresses me more and more.

My current diet is
beef (and ill have pork rinds with this for glycine)
Baked potatoes (do not like mashed potatoes)
Sourdough with cheese
Greek yoghurt with honey
Potato chips (ingredients are salt, potato and coconut oil)
Ice cream (good stuff without soy and gums)
Jell-o (for glycine with the ice cream)
Orange, Apple juice or Coke, occasionally Coffee Con Leche.

Its palatable food and easy to prepare, its the best I can do while im stuck in this state.

I take a supplement called Bone Renewal - 800mg cal, 400mg mag, 2000 iu Vit D, Boron etc.
I take aspirin 2x a day, Niacinamide 100mg 3x a day, Vitamin K and 5000 iu Vitamin A.




Things Im thinking of trying:
Red Light
5-a-dhp
Emodin

After that, im out of ideas. I do not understand why supplements that directly lower adrenaline, serotonin and cortisol simply have no effect on me, it doesnt make sense.

Currently working on:
Raising Vitamin D - last result was 25, half of whats recommended
Getting more sunlight
Copper is low - Current diet should provide enough to eventually raise levels
Waiting for P5P to arrive, going to try 10mg a day

I am hoping that Vitamin D and calcium can come into balance and maybe lower stress.

Blood results show cortisol is high, DUTCH testing shows most things are high.


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Make 24 hours dexamethasone supression test. Read about it to understand.
 
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Some papers say mild cases of Cushing could be hard to diagnose. Your symptoms are very similar to mine.
 

SuperStressed

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Make 24 hours dexamethasone supression test.
I did do this, the Doctor said that I dont have cushings. If I remember rightly I did both the 24 hr urine and Blood test to confirm this.
 
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redsun

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I did do this on the NHS (uk) , they said that I dont have cushings.

I would start P5P with zinc as they are both required for converting glutamate to GABA and have their own anti-anxiety, anti-stress, adrenaline lowering properties. Build up the P5P doses to where you no longer get any more benefit.

Have you compared your symptoms to schizophrenia and see how close they are? Noradrenaline and adrenaline plays a large part in increasing stress, paranoia, anxiety.
 

SuperStressed

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I would start P5P with zinc as they are both required for converting glutamate to GABA and have their own anti-anxiety, anti-stress, adrenaline lowering properties. Build up the P5P doses to where you no longer get any more benefit.

Have you compared your symptoms to schizophrenia and see how close they are? Noradrenaline and adrenaline plays a large part in increasing stress, paranoia, anxiety.
I bought this: P-5-P/Mag™ | Terry Naturally Vitamins
Not sure if thats enough zinc-to-p5p?

I wasnt planning on going above 10mg p5p as i read its toxic.

I truly dont think I am Schizophrenic. No delusions or hallucinations thats for sure and my thoughts are my own.
 

Cirion

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What about going back to basics. How many calories are you eating for example. I don't think supplements will do much if total caloric intake is insufficient. Food alone ought to be sufficient to at least break out of extreme anxiety/depression etc, supplementation may be required to go the extra mile though. At this point, I'd probably agree not to stress on specific foods too much and just make sure caloric intake is good and eat foods you enjoy that more or less fit the peat framework and later you can fine tune it when you feel a bit better. (This is all speculation of course, I didn't see any caloric intake #'s so I dunno how much you have)
 

lampofred

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I would focus on just getting tons of calories everyday, even if it means you have to eat some not-so-optimal foods. That will help you produce testosterone so that you can reverse the effects of the chronic cortisol exposure on your tissues.
 

lampofred

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What about going back to basics. How many calories are you eating for example. I don't think supplements will do much if total caloric intake is insufficient. Food alone ought to be sufficient to at least break out of extreme anxiety/depression etc, supplementation may be required to go the extra mile though. At this point, I'd probably agree not to stress on specific foods too much and just make sure caloric intake is good and eat foods you enjoy that more or less fit the peat framework and later you can fine tune it when you feel a bit better. (This is all speculation of course, I didn't see any caloric intake #'s so I dunno how much you have)

I would focus on just getting tons of calories everyday, even if it means you have to eat some not-so-optimal foods. That will help you produce testosterone so that you can reverse the effects of the chronic cortisol exposure on your tissues.

Damn lmao. how did we post the exact thing at the exact time.
 

redsun

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I bought this: P-5-P/Mag™ | Terry Naturally Vitamins
Not sure if thats enough zinc-to-p5p?

I wasnt planning on going above 10mg p5p as i read its toxic.

I truly dont think I am Schizophrenic. No delusions or hallucinations thats for sure and my thoughts are my own.

Yeh it looks good to me.

Yeh that's the typical stereotypical belief that its always delusions and hallucinations with schizos. Whatever your condition, excessive noradrenaline/adrenaline and serotonin have a lot to do with it, that's why I asked about schizophrenia, you might have quite a bit of the symptoms without many of the psychological symptoms. Overactive sympathetic nervous system is likely your issue regardless. Dr. Abram Hoffer used 1g Niacin and 1g Vitamin C 3 times daily and successfully cured many dealing with schizophrenia. I believe he advocated niacin as a treatment for any sort of mental illness/issue as well. Stress being one of them.
 

SuperStressed

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Yes I think you are both right about that, it was suggested in the past but my OCD wouldnt let me do it, I would either eat junk (take aways and other PUFA crap) or try to do peat "the right way" with no starch or fibre and try to tell if foods were making me stressed, ofcourse when you're so sensitive to stress, thinking about wether your stressed or not just doesnt work out well.

Because I know I have SIBO - shown by tests, I didnt want to eat starch, but I have to. I need the high calories.
It is only this last week I have broken through and am eating the diet I posted above. It is Peaty without being so extreme that I stress about it.

Calories are at 4k+ if stress doesnt get acutely extreme then my appetite is insane and I feed it constantly. Protein is around 100-150, carbs 400+ No PUFAs
 

Cirion

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How are you timing your food? It seems your cortisol is highest earlier on and eventually lowers in the evening. This suggests that timing heavier calorie foods earlier in the day may be helpful. I have actually started trying to do this myself. I realized my energy and mood is better in the day if I eat a huge breakfast or at least a moderate amount / as much as I can before I head off to work. The sooner you can crush the cortisol, the better.
 

SuperStressed

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Yeh it looks good to me.

Yeh that's the typical stereotypical belief that its always delusions and hallucinations with schizos. Whatever your condition, excessive noradrenaline/adrenaline and serotonin have a lot to do with it, that's why I asked about schizophrenia, you might have quite a bit of the symptoms without many of the psychological symptoms. Overactive sympathetic nervous system is likely your issue. Dr. Abram Hoffer used 1g Niacin and 1g Vitamin C 3 times daily and successfully cured mainly dealing schizophrenia. I believe he advocated niacin as a good treatment for any sort of mental illness/issue as well. Stress being one of them.

I do believe I have high noradrenaline and serotonin and im totally stuck in sympathetic overdrive. Before I used these steroids and got so bad, I would know what that sympathetic nervous system feeling is like on occasion. Trouble is, its 100x worse and is all the time now. Its like im being held under water and never get to come up for air... metaphorically.

I did recently try 1000mg Vit C multiple times a day to no effect, I didnt do niacin along side this though. In the past I tried high doses of niacinamide (way above what peat advocates) and it did nothing, just made me feel incredibly sickly. Do you know if Niacin works differently to Niacinamide for these sort of mental issues? I never tried more than 50mg of Niacin and it made me red.
 

SuperStressed

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How are you timing your food? It seems your cortisol is highest earlier on and eventually lowers in the evening. This suggests that timing heavier calorie foods earlier in the day may be helpful. I have actually started trying to do this myself. I realized my energy and mood is better in the day if I eat a huge breakfast or at least a moderate amount / as much as I can before I head off to work. The sooner you can crush the cortisol, the better.
I dont time anymore, its just more stress. My appetite is humongous in the morning and I feed it ASAP. I dont think my liver is holding onto glycogen at all. If im hungry, I eat.
 

redsun

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I do believe I have high noradrenaline and serotonin and im totally stuck in sympathetic overdrive. Before I used these steroids and got so bad, I would know what that sympathetic nervous system feeling is like on occasion. Trouble is, its 100x worse and is all the time now. Its like im being held under water and never get to come up for air... metaphorically.

I did recently try 1000mg Vit C multiple times a day to no effect, I didnt do niacin along side this though. In the past I tried high doses of niacinamide (way above what peat advocates) and it did nothing, just made me feel incredibly sickly. Do you know if Niacin works differently to Niacinamide for these sort of mental issues? I never tried more than 50mg of Niacin and it made me red.

I would suggest trying niacin(nicotinic acid) because some do better with it. I am one of them, and I believe charlie(one of the admins and a veteran member) does better with nicotinic acid as well as some others. I too feel sickly and strange from higher dose niacinamide and it makes me feel worse in general after a few days. Best way to to know for sure is with experimentation. I would also try to do similar doses you did with niacinamide if possible. You can work your way up.
 

SuperStressed

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I would suggest trying niacin(nicotinic acid) because some do better with it. I am one of them, and I believe charlie(one of the admins and a veteran member) does better with nicotinic acid as some others. I too feel sickly and strange from higher dose niacinamide and it makes me feel worse in general after a few days. Best way to to know for sure is with experimentation. I would also try to do similar doses you did with niacinamide if possible. You can work your way up.
Its worth a try at this point, I did read and watch a lot about Hoffer but in the end I read that Niacin could raise serotonin even more and went down the niacinamide route and then forgot about Niacin.
Ive got an unopened bottle of nicotonic acid right here that I never used. Thanks for sharing your experience with it, I'll be trying it from tomorrow.
 

redsun

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Its worth a try at this point, I did read and watch a lot about Hoffer but in the end I read that Niacin could raise serotonin even more and went down the niacinamide route and then forgot about Niacin.
Ive got an unopened bottle of nicotonic acid right here that I never used. Thanks for sharing your experience with it, I'll be trying it from tomorrow.

I would not go beyond Hoffer's recommended dose like how you said you did with Peat's general recommendations. Sometimes the best dose is smack dab where the experts say it is! Of course you can build up slowly if you like. I had a tendency for paranoia, aggression, negative thoughts, poor stress tolerance, taking 250mg niacin quickly changed my own mental state when I used it in the past. I have used P5P and it has helped immensely with stress tolerance particularly and cognitive function. Good luck.
 

Korven

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Have you ever thought about seeking help for your anxiety and obsessive thinking? I don't have any experience with therapists but if you can find a good one that may be of help.

A few years back I would on a daily basis ruminate until I was crippled by cortisol and thought I was going insane. Psychological stress, anxiety, OCD etc can really **** you up.

Switching to a peaty diet has certainly helped me (had my worst episodes when I was doing IF and eating tons of pufa) but the big difference has been due to a gradual change in my perspective of myself, my own thoughts and feelings and finding peace in the present moment.

Eckhart tolle has some good stuff but he has a tendency of getting a bit too "theoretical", I prefer this mans more simple explanations . Good luck!
 
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