How to deal with never ending negativity wrt dieting

[ursidae]

What has been your response/strategy to deal with the backlash by family members when having to turn down their meals 2 times a week? I’m talking about meals that are by default cooked in aluminium foil, contain factory farmed chicken, salmon, pork, PUFA oils, often gluten and dairy (big skin issues trigger for me). My refusal becomes the central topic of discussion every time and is a great source of stress and accusations of being an attention seeker/spoiled/anorexic. These family gatherings for dinner are my main contact with some of my family but I am considering staring to turn down invitations which would pretty much be equivalent to cutting ties with them.

 

[Rinse & rePeat]

What has been your response/strategy to deal with the backlash by family members when having to turn down their meals 2 times a week? I’m talking about meals that are by default cooked in aluminium foil, contain factory farmed chicken, salmon, pork, PUFA oils, often gluten and dairy (big skin issues trigger for me). My refusal becomes the central topic of discussion every time and is a great source of stress and accusations of being an attention seeker/spoiled/anorexic. These family gatherings for dinner are my main contact with some of my family but I am considering staring to turn down invitations which would pretty much be equivalent to cutting ties with them.

I feel for you ursidae! I have dealt with that situation for the last ten years, when I first ditched the grains. At parties I have been know to pack a mini cooler with my own food or make my own stew and take it to holiday parties in a thermos. I got a lot of grief from certain family members at first, but most are use to it now. When I go to parties I just make a big pan of something to share, put a lot of it on my plate and a few samples of other people's things, then push the other things around the plate and just eat mine. Sometimes I even act like I am going back for more of theirs, dump what's on my plate and come back looking like i having seconds , but don't finish it. With new people I just tell them I have a lot of allergies and they just leave me alone, or even call me before a get together to see what I can have that they can make for me.

 

[ursidae]

Thanks. I’ll try bringing my food and I’ll see how it goes.

 

[Ben.]

Mhhh i think to a certain digree the white lie "it turns out im allergic to x" might help you out in this case, followed by "but dont worry ill just bring something i can tolerate with me".

Trying to explain them the issue with bad meat/milk products from awfull raised animals, PUFAS and starches/fibers wont realy work and only result in "well i eat it and im fine, dont be a baby"

That lie that you cant eat it for health reason also helps out when asking for ingredients in restaurants without being percieved as the snobby/annyoing guest.

 

[Peatness]

What has been your response/strategy to deal with the backlash by family members when having to turn down their meals 2 times a week? I’m talking about meals that are by default cooked in aluminium foil, contain factory farmed chicken, salmon, pork, PUFA oils, often gluten and dairy (big skin issues trigger for me). My refusal becomes the central topic of discussion every time and is a great source of stress and accusations of being an attention seeker/spoiled/anorexic. These family gatherings for dinner are my main contact with some of my family but I am considering staring to turn down invitations which would pretty much be equivalent to cutting ties with them.

I hope you don’t have to turn down their invitation. Perhaps explain some of Dr Peats ideas to them including sharing how it has helped you with your health concerns.

I feel for you ursidae! I have dealt with that situation for the last ten years, when I first ditched the grains. At parties I have been know to pack a mini cooler with my own food or make my own stew and take it to holiday parties in a thermos. I got a lot of grief from certain family members at first, but most are use to it now. When I go to parties I just make a big pan of something to share, put a lot of it on my plate and a few samples of other people's things, then push the other things around the plate and just eat mine. Sometimes I even act like I am going back for more of theirs, dump what's on my plate and come back looking like i having seconds , but don't finish it. With new people I just tell them I have a lot of allergies and they just leave me alone, or even call me before a get together to see what I can have that they can make for me.

This is a great idea.

 

[Hugh Johnson]

What has been your response/strategy to deal with the backlash by family members when having to turn down their meals 2 times a week? I’m talking about meals that are by default cooked in aluminium foil, contain factory farmed chicken, salmon, pork, PUFA oils, often gluten and dairy (big skin issues trigger for me). My refusal becomes the central topic of discussion every time and is a great source of stress and accusations of being an attention seeker/spoiled/anorexic. These family gatherings for dinner are my main contact with some of my family but I am considering staring to turn down invitations which would pretty much be equivalent to cutting ties with them.

Have you considered expressing your feelings? Radical Honesty has been working great for me.

 

[ursidae]

Have you considered expressing your feelings? Radical Honesty has been working great for me.

I think the problem is they’re not retaining the new information about me (they’re elderly) so the same scene of conclusion jumping/accusations plays out over and over again (it’s been about 16 times). With most old people in my family I find even if their cognition is well preserved and their recall is okay, they haven’t updated their information about me for the last 5 years. They do keep up with politics and world events and that part of their knowledge is being continually renewed

 

[Hugh Johnson]

I think the problem is they’re not retaining the new information about me (they’re elderly) so the same scene of conclusion jumping/accusations plays out over and over again (it’s been about 16 times). With most old people in my family I find even if their cognition is well preserved and their recall is okay, they haven’t updated their information about me for the last 5 years. They do keep up with politics and world events and that part of their knowledge is being continually renewed

You are trying to intellectually argue out of an emotional situation. Doesn't work.

 

[boris]

I think the problem is they’re not retaining the new information about me (they’re elderly) so the same scene of conclusion jumping/accusations plays out over and over again (it’s been about 16 times). With most old people in my family I find even if their cognition is well preserved and their recall is okay, they haven’t updated their information about me for the last 5 years. They do keep up with politics and world events and that part of their knowledge is being continually renewed

It's important to not get dragged down into an emotional argument. Big part of that is how one reacts in the situation. What works good is to just stay calm, smile and explain why something is toxic and why I avoid it and then just end it there and keep doing what you were doing, when they start arguing, just calmly answer to their points, when they resort to ad hominems or other nonsene just say you're "fine, thanks" or something like that.

Repeat every time this happens, it gets easier each time