Darius Jenkins
Member
- Joined
- Jan 21, 2019
- Messages
- 25
Hey y'all, I'm going to say this the best way I can.
My brain does not work. It isnt functioning at it's best. I'm 20yr old male and I feel old asf.
Life is very tough for me. I have horrible memory. I'm also going through depersonalization. I feel as though I'm in a hologram. It's very scary to me. My sense of smell ad taste has gone down and my eye sight is getting worse, I've worn glasses my whole life and it's been bad with this it feel worse.
Idk, I had a testicular surgery 3 years ago for a varicole and torsion. After that surgery, I got really depressed and wanted to end it all. As I was recovering, I did something that I really regret. I took off my bandages that was on my scrotum. After that I squeezed my testicles really hard. I really don't know why I did it. I got upset in the morning it was still on my mind and I made a scene in my kitchen.
I've always had this OCD. When I was a child I remember doing things repeatedly. I wrote my name a certain way. I liked things to be perfect. I said words a certain way. It was definitely weird.
And it translated to me worrying about my body parts.
It's very strange.
Moving on, I consider myself hypersexual.
I never had sex with a female b4. But it's like it's always on my mind that I want sex. I'm addicted to porn. Been addicted for 8+years. This has really suppressed me and made me a weak person.
I've had some bad moments happen in my life
I'm 20 years old and I feel like a man in his 70s. I'm addicted to porn. I dont smoke or do drugs. Two years ago I had a surgery because I had a varicocele and my other testicle had intermittent torsion. I really believe having this surgery was the worst mistake I've ever made in my life. A week before the surgery I had a mental breakdown after I used porn. I went downstairs to my kitchen and grabbed a knife and went outside. I was walking around my neighborhood. I really wanted to kill myself. It was dark outside. I went to a place in my neighborhood where noone could really see me. I started scaring my face with the knife and I banged my head several times on the concrete. I went inside and my family wanted to know what was going on with me. Days before that incident, I was depressed because I felt lonely. I had no ******* friends and no gf. I couldnt even talk to people because I had bad social anxiety.
I was also questioning my sexuality at the time and felt shame from a couple incidents I had in the past.
One was when I was 13. I had sex with a guy who was 19. He was living with me and my family at the time. My parents took care of him when he was a child and he came back in our lives around 2013. I never knew he was gay. I think he probably got molested in his life. He didnt force me to have sex with him. So i didnt get molested or anything like that. The first time it happened I dont remember everything that happened. It was dark and he was downstairs. I think he told me to come here and I did and he had his thing out. I think he told me to suck it and I did. Looking back on it i should've said no. I should've told my parents. He also penetrated me several times and I let him put a dildo in me. I think after it happened I didnt really feel bad about it. I dont think I felt anything. I just kept on with life. He emotional abused me too. One day my mother sat je down and told me if he ever touches me to tell her. It was too late. I felt so guilty and shameful. I went in my room and cried. I felt like my life was over.
It had hit me so hard. I really let someone do that to me.
Then there was another incident I had with my cousin. I believe I was way younger in this incident. Probably 10. I think he was 6. Idk he was real young. I kissed him on the lips and violated him. I felt bad about this. Idk why I did it or what led me to do it. I had a history of touching and kissing other kids in my childhood. Idk why I would do it.
I wish none of this ever happened and I feel remorse and guilt about it.
I got bullied several times in school and one time I lied about it cause I was scared.
Going back to the surgery. After the surgery I felt very depressed to the point I didnt wanna live anymore. I felt depersonalization for the first time in my life. 2 years later I'm still struggling and I feel like my brain is declining. I have a slight dent in the right side of my forehead. I really think me banging my head caused that. When I was a kid I also got dropped on my head real hard. I think that did some damage to my brain. I also banged my head on a countertop several times because I was tryna kill myself.
Right now I feel like I can never get back to my normal self. I feel like I'm in the sunken place. I have very bad ocd and Involuntary movements. This makes it even worse.
I live day to day.
My brain does not work. It isnt functioning at it's best. I'm 20yr old male and I feel old asf.
Life is very tough for me. I have horrible memory. I'm also going through depersonalization. I feel as though I'm in a hologram. It's very scary to me. My sense of smell ad taste has gone down and my eye sight is getting worse, I've worn glasses my whole life and it's been bad with this it feel worse.
Idk, I had a testicular surgery 3 years ago for a varicole and torsion. After that surgery, I got really depressed and wanted to end it all. As I was recovering, I did something that I really regret. I took off my bandages that was on my scrotum. After that I squeezed my testicles really hard. I really don't know why I did it. I got upset in the morning it was still on my mind and I made a scene in my kitchen.
I've always had this OCD. When I was a child I remember doing things repeatedly. I wrote my name a certain way. I liked things to be perfect. I said words a certain way. It was definitely weird.
And it translated to me worrying about my body parts.
It's very strange.
Moving on, I consider myself hypersexual.
I never had sex with a female b4. But it's like it's always on my mind that I want sex. I'm addicted to porn. Been addicted for 8+years. This has really suppressed me and made me a weak person.
I've had some bad moments happen in my life
I'm 20 years old and I feel like a man in his 70s. I'm addicted to porn. I dont smoke or do drugs. Two years ago I had a surgery because I had a varicocele and my other testicle had intermittent torsion. I really believe having this surgery was the worst mistake I've ever made in my life. A week before the surgery I had a mental breakdown after I used porn. I went downstairs to my kitchen and grabbed a knife and went outside. I was walking around my neighborhood. I really wanted to kill myself. It was dark outside. I went to a place in my neighborhood where noone could really see me. I started scaring my face with the knife and I banged my head several times on the concrete. I went inside and my family wanted to know what was going on with me. Days before that incident, I was depressed because I felt lonely. I had no ******* friends and no gf. I couldnt even talk to people because I had bad social anxiety.
I was also questioning my sexuality at the time and felt shame from a couple incidents I had in the past.
One was when I was 13. I had sex with a guy who was 19. He was living with me and my family at the time. My parents took care of him when he was a child and he came back in our lives around 2013. I never knew he was gay. I think he probably got molested in his life. He didnt force me to have sex with him. So i didnt get molested or anything like that. The first time it happened I dont remember everything that happened. It was dark and he was downstairs. I think he told me to come here and I did and he had his thing out. I think he told me to suck it and I did. Looking back on it i should've said no. I should've told my parents. He also penetrated me several times and I let him put a dildo in me. I think after it happened I didnt really feel bad about it. I dont think I felt anything. I just kept on with life. He emotional abused me too. One day my mother sat je down and told me if he ever touches me to tell her. It was too late. I felt so guilty and shameful. I went in my room and cried. I felt like my life was over.
It had hit me so hard. I really let someone do that to me.
Then there was another incident I had with my cousin. I believe I was way younger in this incident. Probably 10. I think he was 6. Idk he was real young. I kissed him on the lips and violated him. I felt bad about this. Idk why I did it or what led me to do it. I had a history of touching and kissing other kids in my childhood. Idk why I would do it.
I wish none of this ever happened and I feel remorse and guilt about it.
I got bullied several times in school and one time I lied about it cause I was scared.
Going back to the surgery. After the surgery I felt very depressed to the point I didnt wanna live anymore. I felt depersonalization for the first time in my life. 2 years later I'm still struggling and I feel like my brain is declining. I have a slight dent in the right side of my forehead. I really think me banging my head caused that. When I was a kid I also got dropped on my head real hard. I think that did some damage to my brain. I also banged my head on a countertop several times because I was tryna kill myself.
Right now I feel like I can never get back to my normal self. I feel like I'm in the sunken place. I have very bad ocd and Involuntary movements. This makes it even worse.
I live day to day.