DBCoast’s Recovery Log

[DBCoast]

Damn this describes how I felt for years and years. Every morning I would wake up and feel this "sick fatigue", malaise, nausea or hungover feeling. Not really tired, but kind of like I had been poisoned by something (stress?). It was awful! I think you are definitely on to something about the link between "sick fatigue" and poor digestion -- since I worked on improving my digestion (had to eliminate gluten), and taking measures to eradicate H pylori, I don't wake up feeling poisoned or hungover any longer. Oh and I had a very similar background to you where I pushed myself with heavy weights, despite my body telling me not to, until I physically couldn't any longer. Had to stop working out completely for years. Only recently have I been able to do some light bodyweight stuff again without my sleep suffering or feeling poisoned when I wake up.

My only advice would be to relax and not push the envelope so much with exercise, including light exercise like walking or jogging, even if you feel a little better on a particular day. For me I really had to exercise restraint to not overdo and "break the energy budget", that was what allowed me to get better in the long run.

Yes, you described it perfectly. I’m sorry you had to deal with it, but it is reassuring to know that other people experienced this and that you can heal from it. Yep, I believe mine stems from heavy weightlifting. I pushed crazy hard - to the point to where I would get chills mid-workout. No good.

I think you’re right about the resting. I need to dial back even more and recover. Maybe some light stretching and slow walking just to keep the blood moving (I don’t like sitting for a long time, my feet get clammy and cold). The other day when I tried a brisk 30 min walk then did some bike throughout the day it may have thrown off my sleep.

 

[DBCoast]

Poor sleep and sick fatigue today. I fell asleep on the couch and woke up a couple hours later - this completely threw my night off. When I wake up like this it’s always with some adrenaline or something. It throws me off. Anyway, crushing fatigue today - same exact feeling I’ve been having. I do t want to be crazy, but I ate some more sourdough yesterday…possible cause? I don’t know. I’ll take it easy on the sourdough for a bit.

Morning walk today, eggs, liver, fruit, coffee with honey, so far. All macros hit and balanced. Did some full body summing also. Love that. We’ll see!

 

[DBCoast]

Temp: 72.22 Weight 191.6

Another night of crushing insomnia. Wide awake for hours, then fell asleep and now feel horrible. Same exact pattern for years. Same exact. I just feel so terrible from it. I’m afraid it’s degrading my body and will possibly kill me. How can you go so long without proper sleep? Every time I come across an article that talks about the how bad lack of sleep it I ignore it because I’m afraid. I know how bad it is. My face looks rapid-aged from it. I feel like a broken record with this it’s been happening so long.

I’ve been having a lot of realizations about the weight I’ve carried for so long. It’s been a source of shame and it stems from childhood trauma. That’s when it started. I’m going somewhere in a few weeks and I will be judged on my appearance because I haven’t been there in a long time. It’s not the people’s fault. Judging on appearance is natural. But I’m anticipating it with quite a bit of anxiety. It’s an extra judgy community to boot. So I’ve been trying to lose weight before the trip. I got to thinking - I’ve always done this. Before Christmas, I try to lose weight. Before summer, I try to lose weight. Before I see someone I haven’t seen in a while, I try to lose weight. Before any get together, I try to lose weight. On and on forever. I’ve always done this. This has been an extreme battle for me. I get frustrated and can’t understand why the weight won’t go. It’s like this thing that’s plaguing me. And it’s not for lack of effort. I would go to CrossFit fasted, eat low carb, landscape an entire day, etc. and the weight still wouldn’t come off. What the f else do I have to do?? Nobody could workout any harder.

I know I shouldn’t be trying to lose weight right now, but when balanced against my own healing and how I perceive others will judge how I look - I am choosing to restrict calories. And that, likely, is my issue. I will hurt myself and not heal out of concern over what others will think. This has been eye-opening. Perhaps I’ve had some type of eating disorder for years, I don’t know. But it’s time to address these issues of weight and food.

 

[LadyRae]

@DBCoast such a raw, honest post. You are not alone! I think everyone feels this way as they get older... At some point a little bit of F-'em is warranted because how dare they have that kind of control over your health. Those judgy people aren't worth it! And honestly, they are probably even more miserable trying to measure up to their perceived perfection illusions

 

[DBCoast]

@DBCoast such a raw, honest post. You are not alone! I think everyone feels this way as they get older... At some point a little bit of F-'em is warranted because how dare they have that kind of control over your health. Those judgy people aren't worth it! And honestly, they are probably even more miserable trying to measure up to their perceived perfection illusions

Thanks @LadyRae. I think after a lifetime battling this, I’m starting to realize a lot of things about my history with weight and food. Maybe running myself into the ground to try to lose this weight was necessary to lead to these realizations. Kinda like hitting bottom? Thanks for your support!!

 

[Jennifer]

@DBCoast such a raw, honest post. You are not alone! I think everyone feels this way as they get older... At some point a little bit of F-'em is warranted because how dare they have that kind of control over your health. Those judgy people aren't worth it! And honestly, they are probably even more miserable trying to measure up to their perceived perfection illusions

This 1000%

Thanks @LadyRae. I think after a lifetime battling this, I’m starting to realize a lot of things about my history with weight and food. Maybe running myself into the ground to try to lose this weight was necessary to lead to these realizations. Kinda like hitting bottom? Thanks for your support!!

Yes. My spine collapsing turned out to be the best thing that ever happened for me. I totally understand the body shaming and judgment from others. I always got it and would dread having to go to family functions because certain people, who I know for a fact were hella insecure, would pick my body apart. I hadn’t found my voice then to speak up, but I have it now and I put them in their place and nothing has been said since. It was so bad at one point, that a family friend showed up at my house one afternoon and tried pulling me out to her car to take me to the hospital because she was sure I had an eating disorder and was “killing myself.” Imagine a grown woman doing this to another grown woman, treating her like some child.

You’re doing the best that you can, but please try to remember who you’re doing it for. It’s not for their approval, it’s for yours. You know how hard you work, and you will improve. Unfortunately, for many of us, it doesn't happen overnight and it takes trial and error. Lord does it take trial and terror. Your aged face is not permanent. It’s the lack of sleep. Once your sleep improves, I would bet the farm you start rapidly “aging” in reverse. I mean, just one night alone of good sleep gets rid of droopy eyes. There are tools that help with sleep that you haven’t used yet like thyroid and progesterone so please don’t lose hope. All is not lost. I’m very sorry you experienced childhood trauma, but just know that there are those of us fighting the good fight with you. Childhood trauma has been the hardest thing for me to overcome, but if we keep facing it, I do believe we will overcome it.

I have faith in you!

 

[Dutchie]

It was so bad at one point, that a family friend showed up at my house one afternoon and tried pulling me out to her car to take me to the hospital because she was sure I had an eating disorder and was “killing myself.” Imagine a grown woman doing this to another grown woman, treating her like some child.

*sigh* ....so, you've been subjected to one of these 'interventions' as well.
I've had an 'intervention' as well,where I almost got dragged away by paramedics to a clinic.....staged by my own mom,who had this idea that I had an ED and was killing myself
That upset me at the time,and for a long time after...the fact that I couldn't even rely on/trust my own mom! The one whom I always thought of as (one of) my safe haven!
It taught me that in the end, I only have myself to 100% count on... no matter how much you love,trust,care about etc. others, there's still the chance that they don't understand your situation and/or having their own issues clouding their judgement. You can't change that, so don't waste your time,health and happiness on trying to please them and/or confirm yourself to their warped 'interpretation' of you.

DBCoast stay your course , whatever you feel is necessary for your wellbeing and ignore others.

 

[DBCoast]

This 1000%



Yes. My spine collapsing turned out to be the best thing that ever happened for me. I totally understand the body shaming and judgment from others. I always got it and would dread having to go to family functions because certain people, who I know for a fact were hella insecure, would pick my body apart. I hadn’t found my voice then to speak up, but I have it now and I put them in their place and nothing has been said since. It was so bad at one point, that a family friend showed up at my house one afternoon and tried pulling me out to her car to take me to the hospital because she was sure I had an eating disorder and was “killing myself.” Imagine a grown woman doing this to another grown woman, treating her like some child.

You’re doing the best that you can, but please try to remember who you’re doing it for. It’s not for their approval, it’s for yours. You know how hard you work, and you will improve. Unfortunately, for many of us, it doesn't happen overnight and it takes trial and error. Lord does it take trial and terror. Your aged face is not permanent. It’s the lack of sleep. Once your sleep improves, I would bet the farm you start rapidly “aging” in reverse. I mean, just one night alone of good sleep gets rid of droopy eyes. There are tools that help with sleep that you haven’t used yet like thyroid and progesterone so please don’t lose hope. All is not lost. I’m very sorry you experienced childhood trauma, but just know that there are those of us fighting the good fight with you. Childhood trauma has been the hardest thing for me to overcome, but if we keep facing it, I do believe we will overcome it.

I have faith in you!

Thanks @Jennifer. It’s amazing how we carry some things with us for so long. I worked through the trauma with an amazing therapist around 1.5 years ago and it has helped tremendously. I can’t begin to tell you the relief I felt. But I’m still shedding layers and seeing things now in a different light. I’m certain my battle with weight/food is a result of the trauma. I was a normal sized kid until the trauma. Self-worth, etc. is all wound up in it. It’s all sort of coming into focus now and it all started with addressing it with the therapist. I feel like my looking at the lion without fear finally defeated it, but now I’m mending the years battle scars.

So yeah, really big realizations here lately about food and weight. It’s time to heal the right way. No more self-torture. And I will work on valuing my body instead of feeling shame.

Whew! So much. Haha. Who knew this would happen?? I’m glad I started this healing journey. Thank you for your help and encouragement. I know you can climb those last few mountains and heal your trauma as well. After reading all you’ve been through, I have nothing but faith that you’ll be successful.

 

[Jennifer]

*sigh* ....so, you've been subjected to one of these 'interventions' as well.
I've had an 'intervention' as well,where I almost got dragged away by paramedics to a clinic.....staged by my own mom,who had this idea that I had an ED and was killing myself
That upset me at the time,and for a long time after...the fact that I couldn't even rely on/trust my own mom! The one whom I always thought of as (one of) my safe haven!
It taught me that in the end, I only have myself to 100% count on... no matter how much you love,trust,care about etc. others, there's still the chance that they don't understand your situation and/or having their own issues clouding their judgement. You can't change that, so don't waste your time,health and happiness on trying to please them and/or confirm yourself to their warped 'interpretation' of you.

DBCoast stay your course , whatever you feel is necessary for your wellbeing and ignore others.

There you be! Did I not receive your email? We lost power again—major snow storm. How did we not know this about each other? I thought I had told you, but I guess not. It happened before I fractured. She actually said my mum would be the reason why I would be taken out of the home in a bodybag. No joke. It’s not okay to treat a 30 yr old woman like a child, but she did it because she was afraid and loved me, and people can act out of character when they’re genuinely scared so I’ve long since forgiven her.

Thanks @Jennifer. It’s amazing how we carry some things with us for so long. I worked through the trauma with an amazing therapist around 1.5 years ago and it has helped tremendously. I can’t begin to tell you the relief I felt. But I’m still shedding layers and seeing things now in a different light. I’m certain my battle with weight/food is a result of the trauma. I was a normal sized kid until the trauma. Self-worth, etc. is all wound up in it. It’s all sort of coming into focus now and it all started with addressing it with the therapist. I feel like my looking at the lion without fear finally defeated it, but now I’m mending the years battle scars.

So yeah, really big realizations here lately about food and weight. It’s time to heal the right way. No more self-torture. And I will work on valuing my body instead of feeling shame.

Whew! So much. Haha. Who knew this would happen?? I’m glad I started this healing journey. Thank you for your help and encouragement. I know you can climb those last few mountains and heal your trauma as well. After reading all you’ve been through, I have nothing but faith that you’ll be successful.

It really is amazing. And I can absolutely believe your battle with weight and food is the result of the trauma you experienced. I believe that was my mum’s cause. Even if we were to look at it from a more physical perspective and not so much emotional, the act of yo yo dieting alone can trigger weight issues. I love what you said about facing the lion without fear and mending the battle scars. That’s a perfect way of putting it. It really is that. We aren’t where we once were, but there are still some things to tend to.

It’s so great to hear that you worked through the trauma with a therapist. I saw one but only had three sessions with her, which ended in what most of my conversations seem to since fracturing—nutritional science and my therapist asking for dietary advice for her daughter. lol Every tool she recommended to me I had already been actively applying since I was a child so she felt there was nothing else she could offer. I learned early on how to cope, but not how to release the trauma. Dance has been incredible for that. This is actually what my next log update is about. I wrote it days ago, and I’m now just getting up the courage to post it. It seems the more I heal, the more personal my logs get.

Always my pleasure. :) And thank you! I appreciate your encouragement.

 

[DBCoast]

*sigh* ....so, you've been subjected to one of these 'interventions' as well.
I've had an 'intervention' as well,where I almost got dragged away by paramedics to a clinic.....staged by my own mom,who had this idea that I had an ED and was killing myself
That upset me at the time,and for a long time after...the fact that I couldn't even rely on/trust my own mom! The one whom I always thought of as (one of) my safe haven!
It taught me that in the end, I only have myself to 100% count on... no matter how much you love,trust,care about etc. others, there's still the chance that they don't understand your situation and/or having their own issues clouding their judgement. You can't change that, so don't waste your time,health and happiness on trying to please them and/or confirm yourself to their warped 'interpretation' of you.

DBCoast stay your course , whatever you feel is necessary for your wellbeing and ignore others.

I will @Dutchie! Thanks!

 

[Dutchie]

There you be! Did I not receive your email? We lost power again—major snow storm. How did we not know this about each other? I thought I had told you, but I guess not. It happened before I fractured. She actually said my mum would be the reason why I would be taken out of the home in a bodybag. No joke. It’s not okay to treat a 30 yr old woman like a child, but she did it because she was afraid and loved me, and people can act out of character when they’re genuinely scared so I’ve long since forgiven her.

Oh....I'll resent it then. :)
We got hit with snow as well.

It isn't ok...not just the way she treated you, but also how she tried to blame or guilt trip your mom.

That's ultimately how I was able to let, my mom hurting me, go and forgive her.
Because I knew she did that out of fear and frustration, bc I wasn't doing anymore/following the path of what's perceived to be normal by most.
You know... desperate needs make for desperate deeds.
Lol...I think by now,she's gotten more used to me not going the conventional route. :P

 

[Jennifer]

Oh....I'll resent it then. :)
We got hit with snow as well.

It isn't ok...not just the way she treated you, but also how she tried to blame or guilt trip your mom.

That's ultimately how I was able to let, my mom hurting me, go and forgive her.
Because I knew she did that out of fear and frustration, bc I wasn't doing anymore/following the path of what's perceived to be normal by most.
You know... desperate needs make for desperate deeds.
Lol...I think by now,she's gotten more used to me not going the conventional route. :P

Got it! Thank you! :)

Yeah, my mum wasn’t quick to forgive that one.

LOL I hope your mom has gotten more used to it by now. It’s surprising she believes in following the conventional route, since she seems so unconventional otherwise.

 

[Dutchie]

Got it! Thank you! :)

Yeah, my mum wasn’t quick to forgive that one.

LOL I hope your mom has gotten more used to it by now. It’s surprising she believes in following the conventional route, since she seems so unconventional otherwise.

She has 'wisened up: throughout the years,so that she thankfully also didn't get vaxxed.
However I think it's mostly fear/insecurity/approval and likely also comfortabillity which makes her still follow 'conventional wisdom/medicine'.

 

[LadyRae]

@DBCoast How are you this morning?

I'm wondering, do you have a dog? It is really a lifestyle changer to get out with your dog and throw a stick or walk through nature together. My lab loves to fetch anything in the river near our house, year round. It is so relaxing and I'm also getting exercise. I never take my phone or listen to music either...

 

[Jennifer]

She has 'wisened up: throughout the years,so that she thankfully also didn't get vaxxed.
However I think it's mostly fear/insecurity/approval and likely also comfortabillity which makes her still follow 'conventional wisdom/medicine'.

Gotcha. :)

 

[Jennifer]

@DBCoast How are you this morning?

+1

 

[DBCoast]

@LadyRae @Jennifer Hey y’all. I’m doing alright, aside from turning 43 today….haha.

Pretty standard morning. 6hrs of poor sleep, sick feeling upon waking…same old. Fatigue, fatigue, and more fatigue, and a little coffee to deal.

I did just go pick up a bunch of fresh oysters though, so looking forward to that!

 

[LadyRae]

@LadyRae @Jennifer Hey y’all. I’m doing alright, aside from turning 43 today….haha.

Pretty standard morning. 6hrs of poor sleep, sick feeling upon waking…same old. Fatigue, fatigue, and more fatigue, and a little coffee to deal.

I did just go pick up a bunch of fresh oysters though, so looking forward to that!

Happy Birthday

 

[Jennifer]

@LadyRae @Jennifer Hey y’all. I’m doing alright, aside from turning 43 today….haha.

Pretty standard morning. 6hrs of poor sleep, sick feeling upon waking…same old. Fatigue, fatigue, and more fatigue, and a little coffee to deal.

I did just go pick up a bunch of fresh oysters though, so looking forward to that!

Aww…Happy Birthday!

Not the best start to your day, but I hope you enjoy the oysters and have some cake and ice cream to celebrate. Cake and ice cream make life bearable. lol

 

[DBCoast]

Thanks y’all. @Jennifer don’t worry, I picked up quite a few pints of HD for after the oysters. Haha