Childhood Abuse - How to Forgive?

[Braveheart]

Some of Haidut's most insightful posts have to do with the effects of parents on children....

 

[InChristAlone]

Read about family systems approach. Learn how to self differentiate. Watch Jerry Wise it helped changed my husband's life because he had an enmeshment with his Mom and never could be a man when he lived near her. It has also helped me. His videos are medicine for those who didn't receive what they needed growing up. Intellectualizing recovery won't serve you. It's not just about your physical health, these are skills that need to be learned, eating a metabolic diet won't solve your toxic family system.

 

[oldfriend]

Intellectualizing recovery won't serve you. It's not just about your physical health, these are skills that need to be learned, eating a metabolic diet won't solve your toxic family system.

Well said. I'm definitely guilty of trying to control my circumstances through exerting control on my body and environment. Having friends with similar childhood experiences, I think this is a really common reaction to trauma.

Also, I hear what people are saying about serotonin being involved in the formation of traumatic memories etc., but I really don't think serotonin is the primary culprit here. I never had anything like acute PTSD symptoms when I had high serotonin, ate something like banana, took SSRI, etc. I recommend OP and perhaps others to search the forum and look up articles on glutamate.

 

[Mauritio]

Did you try (raw) A2 milk? Goats, sheep, horse, camel, donkey, buffalo..

Do you have full control over your body or are you still working towards achieving this goal?

I've tried all kinds of milk that I could get. Its always the same. What really confused me is that I can eat ice cream without problems...

Depends on what you mean by full control.
I can't always think what I want. But I'm getting there and now notice when somethings are out of whack and can navigate accordingly ,so I'm not a victim of my body anymore.

 

[Birdie]

The parent mistreating you is known as a Malignant Narcissist. Her behavior is not just that of a stressed parent, although some would say that to downplay her damage. It's not alright to be cruel to a child.

There used to be a couple of websites that were really helpful in giving support and clarity on Malignant Narcissism. Many theories but what I found most helpful was to learn that MNs can never change and will not change. They always mix in some good with the torture and hide their behavior from outsiders.

I think part of the problem for an adult who grew up with this abuse is that you tend to think this behavior is normal so that you can be attracted to the same types and even marry one.

I think that a new way of eating, one that is not just to cover up the pain, will bring things up.

 

[PolishSun]

some people are nuts crazy, and the weirdest thing is that they really do not care about other people. They just do not have the capacity to feel guilty, they are cold as ice inside, and all their nice behavior is totally fake, and it is unchangeable, they do not know how to live in another way, and they think that they are totally normal, just they have their own character, I think it is deep in them like green eye color. And they do not worry that they are not normal. They have their little goals, and they can torture others endlessly for very small things. Maybe it is a sort of dementia. The malignant narcissism, I mean.

 

[Gustav3Y]

I think this is quite a difficult age, one at which you feel you need to take more responsibility for her actions against you and even maybe "fix" mom, but is not going to work, you can't fix people who they themselves don't think they should change, especially parents who can easily take shelter in the fact of "I am your parent so ..."

If your mother is educated, probably you feel worse, if she may have a good social status you may feel even worse as then people start making excuses for her.

Often these people can even cry and tell you how much they suffer for your well-being and how much they love you as soon as you can point something they have done wrong, then things go being the same as before sooner or later.
Considering that you are already used to this behavior and that is the only way you know your mom, you will just accept this behavior over and over.
You may even accept other people to treat you the same more or less and not think it's anything wrong.

 

[Peatful]

(19/M)

I‘ve been emotionally and physically abused by mother since I was a child. She wasn’t a bad mother over all, she did a lot to make me happy and I was taken care of.
Unfortunately, I think she’s mentally ill or just has a destroyed gut which made her unleash all her anger and frustration onto me.
I was severely emotionally tortured and insulted, made fun of and told I should have never been born etc.
The typical stuff a stressed parents tells their children. Also physically abused and basically grew up being scared when she’ll have another breakdown.
On top of this my parents divorced when I was 8.. so yeah imagine that, the only person who was always nice and chill (my dad) had to leave the house. Super traumatizing.
Funnily enough whenever I consume raw animal foods, my desire for revenge increases a lot and all i re-experience all the trauma in my head. Drank fermented raw milk yesterday and now all the memories come back.. this always happens.
My questions:

1. What causes a parent to physically and emotionally abuse THEIR OWN child?

2. Why does something like raw milk make me re-experience all the trauma?

You say she wasn’t a bad mother?
Interesting.

I say she was.
Quite bad.

Acknowledging that vs justifying it would probably be freeing. And a great first or fifteenth or one hundredth step for your healing. Towards forgiveness. Which isn’t for her- but for you.

Is she a terrible person? Is she a monster?
I say none of that-
But with what you have described-
She was a terrible terrible mom to you.
And-
Im so sorry.


Oh. PS. : it wasn’t your fault.

 

[Regina]

It’s not their fault though. Our parents are also humans who fell into the game and lies of the elite. They’re victims themselves!

I think that is the difference between "empathy" and "compassion".
Compassion is a light illuminating reality. It is empty of attachments.
The danger of "empathy" is not differentiating. Stressed people are prone to saying things like , "Now you know how I feel."
They literally will engineer adverse circumstances so that you know how they felt. Because if you cared you would suffer too.
That's the part of "empathy" that is unhealthy.
"You have no idea how hard it was for me. And you were such a difficult baby."

I think only the great compassion allows for the full forgiveness that unhooks you from the schrapnel.

There are mutually exclusive facets.

 

[danishstargazer]

I had a very verbally abusive mother that was most abusive to me and not my sisters. It was like a Cinderella situation honestly. I feel like I reminded her of my father and that was why she hated me? ( they were divorced when the abuse got bad ) . My father was pretty high strung and I had a lot of " spankings " ( bruises ). My mother had no thyroid and was medicated with Synthroid her whole life. I am going to blame it on that and her really hard childhood and possibly a gluten allergy that I have then she didn't know she had. The only thing that really helped me was having Ketamine during a surgery . It seemed to wipe out a lot of PTSD. Yoga helps. Boxing helps. Sleep helps. I will never understand why she thought it was ok to verbally abuse me and **** with my young head like she did. She got very sweet when she was diagnosed with " dementia " . She was an older mother and a Mensa member. When she died I was very sad but also relieved in a way. I am not sure if you ever totally heal.

 

[GermanTruther]

Well said. I'm definitely guilty of trying to control my circumstances through exerting control on my body and environment. Having friends with similar childhood experiences, I think this is a really common reaction to trauma.

Also, I hear what people are saying about serotonin being involved in the formation of traumatic memories etc., but I really don't think serotonin is the primary culprit here. I never had anything like acute PTSD symptoms when I had high serotonin, ate something like banana, took SSRI, etc. I recommend OP and perhaps others to search the forum and look up articles on glutamate.

Can you summarize how glutamate helps for me real quick

 

[Jib]

Faster EFT - Robert Smith. You can do it yourself. First discovered this over 6 years ago.


View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p7P21-towqI


It's the real deal. Putting the work in gets results. It isn't hard to do.

EDIT: I always overshare about my childhood abuse experiences. I suppose that's one of the effects of it. Anyway. Without going into detail, I have a massive amount of experience with this. Suffice to say -- the method Robert uses works. And you can learn it on your own and use it on yourself. That's what I did and it created tremendous changes for me in my mental/emotional health and stability.

 

[Elie]

(19/M)

I‘ve been emotionally and physically abused by mother since I was a child. She wasn’t a bad mother over all, she did a lot to make me happy and I was taken care of.
Unfortunately, I think she’s mentally ill or just has a destroyed gut which made her unleash all her anger and frustration onto me.
I was severely emotionally tortured and insulted, made fun of and told I should have never been born etc.
The typical stuff a stressed parents tells their children. Also physically abused and basically grew up being scared when she’ll have another breakdown.
On top of this my parents divorced when I was 8.. so yeah imagine that, the only person who was always nice and chill (my dad) had to leave the house. Super traumatizing.
Funnily enough whenever I consume raw animal foods, my desire for revenge increases a lot and all i re-experience all the trauma in my head. Drank fermented raw milk yesterday and now all the memories come back.. this always happens.
My questions:

1. What causes a parent to physically and emotionally abuse THEIR OWN child?

2. Why does something like raw milk make me re-experience all the trauma?

Some great suggestions here.
The metabolic part is helpful, however, the psycho-spiritual work is too and maybe more so.
The mere fact you are seeking forgiveness is a wonderful indication of willingness for to go beyond and grow as a person.
some resources to look into that I am familiar with are anything related to "A course in Miracles", Inner Bounding (Margaret Paul), Self Parenting (I forget the author). They all do, in one way or another, "inner child" work. You, the adult, becoming the loving, compassionate and supporting parent of the child that was hurt and helping him forgive and heal.
the first step is to allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions and the pain.
The fact you are asking this question and you are at a stage of seeking forgiveness, is an indication to me that you likely have been feeling a great deal of it.
Good work.

 

[HighT]

Many theories but what I found most helpful was to learn that MNs can never change and will not change.

This. So just forget about it and do have an attitude of "It is what it is". The good side is now you know how your children have to be raised. But it's not enough cause you still can pick a wrong wife, like your father did.

Also there is something else to point. If that's you on your profile picture, please ditch that rag from your face. It could be a fashion thing, but I doubt you would have choosen this style 2 years ago. It might seem unreleated to the topic but walking with a muzzle arround, certainly has an effect on one's menthal state. I would rather look like a free man than these:



Other than that, there are many good advice in the thread diet wise.

 

[Gustav3Y]

Many theories but what I found most helpful was to learn that MNs can never change and will not change. They always mix in some good with the torture and hide their behavior from outsiders.

I have learnt on my own there is no change no matter how much you try to explain this, show that, try that, wait for time to pass, wait for that to happen, etc, after various and various experiences and long time passed and discussions the result is the same.
And there will be good deeds too done which keeps a false hope alive and to outsiders the behavior is different.

 

[oldfriend]

This. So just forget about it and do have an attitude of "It is what it is". The good side is now you know how your children have to be raised. But it's not enough cause you still can pick a wrong wife, like your father did.

Also there is something else to point. If that's you on your profile picture, please ditch that rag from your face. It could be a fashion thing, but I doubt you would have choosen this style 2 years ago. It might seem unreleated to the topic but walking with a muzzle arround, certainly has an effect on one's menthal state. I would rather look like a free man than these:

Can you summarize how glutamate helps for me real quick

Wearing masks increases c02 levels. That coronavirus was the impetus for universal mask wearing is a bit ridiculous, but I'm happy to wear one in a public honestly.

Glutamic acid isn't inherently bad but with it can be neurotoxic. It depends on your chemistry, nmda function, metabolism, status of certain nutrients etc. Animal foods can be very high in glutamic acid, and refined products like gelatin have been very problematic for me in the past. I used to put it in my coffee and meals every day and my PTSD symptoms were among the worst they've ever been during that period.

 

[HighT]

Wearing masks increases c02 levels. That coronavirus was the impetus for universal mask wearing is a bit ridiculous, but I'm happy to wear one in a public honestly.

It increases fungal and bacteria you breath in as well. And the slave mentality indeed.

 

[oldfriend]

Oh and for the record Ray Peat does not recommend using gelatin or collagen powder, he gets his gelatin from gelatinous meats like ox tail

 

[oldfriend]

It increases fungal and bacteria you breath in as well. And the slave mentality indeed.

So wash your mask, get a new one or just don't wear one. I don't suffer slave mentality, that's all in your head.

 

[grapes]

This is a part of an explanation : in a modern matriarcatic society women often make children with men they don't love, they do it to ensure their financial (& other) resources. (Or else by the time they have a child they no more love the father) They don't love children coming from this union, and use them as a receptacle of their negative energy.