Change In Scenery -- Deterioration Mentally/physically -- Stress & Memories

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Not only does so much make sense after plenty of reading and comprehending of broader subjects surrounding Peat's writings on health, environment, stress, adaptation and development, but also I can accurately put some pieces together of my past.

I had been relatively healthy up until age 11 -- or at least I was normal in terms of body mass/shape to go by. I remember a stressful event unfolded where I had to move out of my childhood home of 11 years or so -- and I did not want to. I enjoyed my life there up until that point -- for the most part -- but then moving was "inevitable" -- money issues of course. I detested the move, but obviously survived through the stressful times.

An interesting thing to note would be how things changed after this -- I began to slowly get fatter and less happy. After enduring a stressful thing like having to move out of your childhood home to a foreign, unknown place abruptly I noticed this to be the time when I slowly grew more and more obese -- had some more emotional issues -- faced new depths of being picked on/emotionally abused by family. I know very well that as I grew fatter the way I was treated definitely had to do with appearance somewhat -- especially obvious when the insults hurled at you are centered around your weight, loneliness, lack of social experience, etc. You become the "fat, weird kid" in a sense, but can't comprehend the idea of anything other than it being your fault that you become that way, despite me having no recall of any dramatic eating changes at the time (in fact I ate more later on when I was leaner and healthier than probably in the beginning when I grew obese during those darker times). Aside from the stressful move there was also the family issues on top -- going to a new place abruptly but also feeling depressed about feeling isolated away from the world with few relatives who you also got the impression were sad/depressed in ways sometimes too. Really I generally understand now that good parts of my upbringing were isolation and depression around some others who were technically in the same boat -- mediocrity, little social life, routine, and feeling secluded from the world.

It may shock some, but I never really even stepped outside my home boundaries much until the age of 15 or so -- and hardly ever explored beyond my immediate neighborhood on my own will until 17 at least. I see kids way smaller nowadays who already are traveling far out of their homes and stuff which seems weird to me since I was so "sheltered" in a sense until my mid-to-late teens (not that I don't kind of still feel that way sometimes too, but at least now I know "what's out there" more sort of from experience).

Yeah, I often wonder how things would've been different should any stronger form of "normalcy" had been implemented, allowing things to work out better. It turns out one of my siblings instead of being "sheltered" ends up getting out too much, escaping from home as a teen and getting in conflicts/legal issues/familial problems even involving violence sometimes. I think I might vaguely understand why given the circumstances (monotony, depression, isolated feelings, loss of family members, hormonal issues/environment, etc.).

I don't know if some people purposely block out these times, but it is interesting to know that -- through all of these hard and painful times -- some seem to act as if these events never happened and/or they cannot "recall" them clearly as if they are traumatic events "buried back away" somehow. Not that I hold on to them, but I have not forgotten hard times willingly or unwillingly. I guess maybe some deal with struggle by "making themselves forget it happened," but I instead maybe faced it a different way perhaps since I rarely forget of the "big stuff" that happened when I was as far back as only barely past a toddler.

I can even faintly remember playing as I was riding a "toilet paper horse" at around age 4-6 and my sibling growing angry at this and ripped the "paper horse" to which I cried/complained about them, but somehow remembered feeling "bad" even though I was a small kid (like I knew somehow that I was framing them but still enjoyed getting the protection aspect from the parent as the younger kid). I mean I know traumatic memories can be a bad thing, but can't say if "hiding them away" is any different than knowing/recalling them but handling it in a more level-headed sense. There is another angle on the subject of "memory recall" but again I can't say much on what the implications are regarding one not remembering various traumatic events vs. another remembering them all but generally taking them well/being able to "handle" them in a non-conflicting manner.

Some have even joked at the idea of some living in "fantasy land" due to people at times claiming to not remember endless events that have a very defining nature to them in a dark way (violence, things one did wrong, poor decisions/impacts on others, parental neglect/conflicts, etc.). Really, some just seem to "block" or possibly forget lots of their wrongdoings or parts in tough or dramatic times, but I feel sometimes that maybe this isn't a good thing. After all, if you cannot recall any of those times where you severely screwed up, how will you have any reference point to avoid said things from happening again and again?

Some relatives have pointed out how their mother has "conveniently forgotten" how she would enable or ignore the father's abuse toward them in some ways/situations. This person claims to have "no memory" of these hard times -- or downplays them -- even though the kids might have expressed suffering from this. It's sometimes hard to see through such "fakery" some people build up as a part of themselves that you can't tell if one is purely lying or just highly incompetent -- or shades in between. I've always rationalized this as to why I couldn't "join the ranks" of "proper society" -- I did not want to be "fake" to build a role in a fraudulent system.

When you see how fake and hypocritical others can be it just sometimes makes you realize how you should not be. People would at times explain to me how the world is horrible -- but they weren't actually all that good. Some talk of how selfish and sick everything is, but they themselves are selfish and sick. What is the lesson here supposed to be? What point do you make when you show a derogatory attitude toward life as a whole while you exclaim yourself as a vile being anyways? "Be that baddie in the bad world?" "Be the 'good guy' in a bad world?" "That world is a rotten place not worth my time -- I am just as rotten however."

It's tough to grasp an idea of what the world should be when your experience with the world is hardly signifying of anything meaningful or fulfilling. Like, not out of depression but out of limited fulfillment. Some people have excellent social lives, experiences, etc. -- it shows greatly. I am not one of those people that has received highly "Make your own experiences" but that's kind of something that requires more than one player to experience. Imagine telling a player to interact within a game where the game differs in its functionality from how a player knows/expects to interact with said game -- it's like a loss in translation. While you do not consider yourself socially inept you cannot grasp the peak of social fulfillment because it's like being a permanent outsider. There is no "ease" or "validation" in the from of entering the social world -- so I've considered ways in which this could differ, but it's a tough road ahead in ways.

I guess it goes to show you that one wrong turn/experience can set you so far off the tracks that basic things are yet to be understood. Some cover their pain or lie to themselves so much -- or just refuse to care and continue to derail themselves even. The only good thing one can maybe know is that fluctuations and variability throughout life might be the very "life blood" or force of sorts behind enlightenment or hope. Sure, it's "smarter" probably to look at it in a functional, biochemical and largely humanitarian/sensible manner as a species, organism and so on -- but sometimes the "mark of the beast" or "type of wound" can tell you more about the beast's nature than just the internal "wiring" of the beast at any given, changeable point.

All I know is that at this point there's little to convince me largely of different structures surrounding us than that of experience as a whole & environment mostly.
 

YourUniverse

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Baby steps and positive self-talk. You are able to step outside your home, you are an adventurer, you are smart and capable

Counterintuitively, I find that focusing intensely on a difficult memory tends to erase it or at least weaken its charge. The mind will eventually wander even if you try to force it not to. Its like some memories or patterns are screaming "HEY! LOOK AT ME!! HEY!!!" And so if you indulge them, examine them, they become less burdensome. At least that's it for me.
 

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