I am so very desperate. I feel uncomfortable asking for help like this but I am now paralysed by fear and indecision. I have spent hours each day over the past six months reading threads on this forum, reading some of Dr. Peat's articles, reading Functional Performance Systems. I am so overwhelmed and wonder if I am beyond help. If there is anyone who might be able to guide or reassure me, I should be so grateful, so very grateful.
This is my story. I hope you will not be put off if I admit that I have had anorexia since I was 16. I am now 59, but I still feel young, even though I feel very sick. I have not started to live yet and I long to begin. I am ready to do anything, eat anything, in order to be the best I can be, to give something back to the world. I have allowed anorexia to destroy every area of my life. There has been no let-up, ever. The stress of trying to recover has almost destroyed me. But not quite, which is why I am here now.
In my early 20s, I reached 4 stones on two occasions. Since then I have battled every day to help myself. On an anxiety scale of 1 to 10, I have lived every minute of every day at 8 or more for 30+ years. I am pretty tough and resilient but am not almost without hope and the legacy of physical and emotional distress is almost too much for me to bear. But I have read of stories of recovery on this site, of support given and advice offered, not to mention the amazing wealth of shared knowledge and I wonder if I might tap into this.
I was Paleo for about 20 years (I survived, but hardly thrived), with a brief interlude of Keto (disastrous), but had been eating a high starch diet (oats, rice and starchy vegetables) prior to coming here about six months ago, feeling quite unwell, with horrendous SIBO and many other issues. I had not eaten sugar for 40 years. Now I do, but I have read of Haidut and VisionofStrength and others cautioning those who jump into a 'Peat-like' way of eating without regard to their unique metabolic states. Mine is shot at and I do not know what to do to support it. I am very worried that I am only making a bad situation even worse. What if I am now just overwhelming my liver and building up a non-alcoholic fatty liver and other metabolic disasters? I know so little and, as yet, I feel too unwell to Perceive, Think, Act for myself, but this is my goal.
My morning oral temperature is 36.4/36.5
Later in the morning = 36.7 - this is the highest all day
Blood pressure = 103/63 (I feel very dizzy)
Pulse = 63
Six months ago, having been eating sugar and dairy for only six weeks:
TSH = 1.32 mu/L
Serum cholesterol = 5.5 mmol/L
Serum TG = 2.92 mmol/L
Serum ferritin = 259 ug/L (ref: 14 - 186). I was eating about 300 g ground beef daily.
HbA1c = 44 mmol/L (ref: 20-41). I have never been under 40 for the last 10 years, even when I ate NO starch and only a small amount of dark chocolate.
Blood glucose = 5.5 (early morning)
I am underweight at 43.5 kg (96 lbs), 5'4", BMI about 17. It is uncomfortable to sit and lie down. My ribs are prominent. I have muscle wastage.
I experience CONSTANT anxiety/adrenaline flow on a massive scale (because I do not know how to heal myself and fear the dreadful consequences of living in this wired and undernourished state). I feel short of breath and dizzy, my heart is pounding and my nerves are alive.
I have peripheral neuropathy which began in my feet and is now in my arms and hands. Has my body catabolised my myelin sheath as a result of undernourishment over so many years or is this another manifestation of extreme anxiety/adrenaline flux. Am I short on some B vitamins? Are my electrolytes very out of balance?
I experience constant MASSIVE HUNGER - should I listen to this message and just eat more, but more of what? I have learned here about the Minnesota Starvation Experiment. I have read posts by Kelj (Abdominal Fat is A Phase Following Calorie Restriction) and her brave journey from under-eating to good health. I want to do the same, but where to start?
Or is excessive hunger just uncontrolled hypoglycaemia? Am I about to tip over into full-blown diabetes driven by cortisol and adrenaline? Can I eat myself out of metabolic disorder into metabolic order?
I have SIBO badly with furred tongue, sticky saliva (starches dreadful) and chronic constipation (all my life). Cascara Sagrada only makes worse (but perhaps I did not take enough. How much?). I rely on magnesium oxide as a laxative (it doesn't always work). Stools mustard in colour and unformed, or nothing at all.
My voice is husky and I have to clear my throat very often. My throat is irritated by refluxed acid - but I think I must surely have low stomach acid?
My liver? I cannot go more than one or two hours without food (in fact I am hungry before I finish eating, almost), but is this just an indulgent craving for sugar? Am I now eating to promote a non-alcoholic fatty liver?
My heart feels to be under enormous stress from anxiety and I fear a stroke. I also fear vascular calcification - how to test?
My muscles feel in a state of rigidity and this is getting worse. I experience spasms daily in my calves. I used to dance and swim and hike and do yoga. I am becoming more and more inflexible, with much muscle wasting (going upstairs takes effort now). This is all causing me HUGE distress. Now I do only a short walk each day, but I do not allow myself to sit for very long at a time. I keep as active as possible around the house.
Ligaments and tendons feel dried out, taut and are prone to frequent injuries which never fully heal and repeat themselves.
I experience histamine flares (severe headaches and flushing and eye pain) which makes food choices (especially proteins, bone-broth and fruit juices very limited - probably mast cell dysregulation.
Severe osteoporosis (diagnosed mid-20s). T score minus 4.5. I am very fearful of spontaneous fracture. (Jennifer, I have read your amazing logs from beginning to your last post. You inspire me greatly. The simplicity and nourishment of your current diet of mostly goat's milk and cheese, I think, attracts me very much, but I think I might be consuming already too much calcium).
No mediation for bones. No menstrual cycle from ages 18-35. About 10 cycles from 35-50. Regular monthly cycles from ages 56-58 when my weight was above 45kg. This is the magic figure for me. I may even have enough stored eggs to cycle more if I can get my weight up to 45kg again and then more. My major goal.
Organic Acid Test, ten months ago, showed high oxalates. I have unwittingly eaten a high oxalate diet all my life, so now very wary of many green vegetables, glycine, collagen and dark chocolate, etc.
Sleep - poor. I crash out from mental exhaustion at 10.45 p.m. but wake always at 2.00 a.m. After that sleep is very fitful as anxiety rules with rapid heartbeat and early-morning sweats. I do not eat through the night.
I am ashamed to be able to list all the above. I cannot believe that this is where I have ended up, having tried so hard to achieve recovery over so many years.
My overriding concerns are:
What and how much to eat to gain weight and strength and metabolic vitality
How to decrease adrenaline and cortisol surges - do I eat my way out of these states and with what foods?
How to respond to cravings for sweet, energy-laden foods, without promoting diabetes and damaging my liver?
How to manage peripheral neuropathy?
How to improve digestion and assimilation?
I do not think the label anorexic applies to me any longer, but orthorexic certainly does. I do believe, however, that I can find my way out of this, even this late on.
If there is someone here who could help me to save my life, I feel that I could breathe again and my anxiety levels would begin to reduce already. What a wonderful thing it would be to have confidence in what I am eating. Such a relief.
What I eat:
7.30 a.m.
120 g frozen mango (warmed)
360 mls hot goat's milk, semi-skimmed, pasteurised, with 1/2 tsp sugar and few grains salt, 1 tsp instant coffee
1 raw egg yolk (egg whites set off headaches)
15-20 g raw, honey
10.30 a.m.
Repeat as above
1.00 p.m.
200 g very sweet stewed apple
100 g ground beef - most of the fat skimmed off
360 mils hot goat's milk with 1/2 tsp sugar, few grains salt, 1 tsp coffee
15-20 g raw honey
25 g white chocolate
4.00 p.m.
25 g white chocolate
360 mls hot goat's milk with 1/2 tsp sugar, few grains salt (no more coffee for rest of day)
6.30 p.m.
1 large sweet pear (warmed)
Carrot salad with tsp olive oil and tsp apple cider vinegar, salt
40 g Feta cheese
15-20 g raw honey
360 mls hot goat's milk
25 g white chocolate
10.00 p.m.
25 g white chocolate
360 mls hot goat's milk with 1/2 tsp sugar and few grains salt
1 oz ox liver every other day
Cannot eat fish or oysters re bad histamine reactions - headache etc
Cannot drink OJ ditto
Surely I am eating too much sweet food i.e. chocolate and honey but I cannot resist and would eat more if I did not restrain myself sharply. I am driven to eat these foods and this upsets me because it must be a bad thing to do.
Whatever I eat, I feel dizzy and hungry and anxious. It is so very hard to live whilst all this is going on continuously.
I am hardly comfortable physically after eating so much food but I do not imagine that the process of refeeding can ever be a comfortable experience.
But if someone here tells me to change, I will do so.
Cronometer:
2,400 calories
115 g protein
280 g carbs
89 g fat
Calcium 2,900 mg
But am I consuming too much calcium? In his article, 'Calcium and Disease: Hypertension, organ calcification, & shock, vs respiratory energy', Dr. Peat says:
'When cells are stressed or dying, they take up calcium, which tends to excite the cells at the same time that it inhibits their energy production, intensifying their stress. A cramp or a seizure is an example of uncontrolled cellular excitation. Prolonged excitation and stress contribute to tissue inflammation and fibrosis.'
I fear this is me and perhaps this explains the tightness and cramping in my body. It is fibrosis and I am putting myself at risk of a stroke.
But I also understand that excessive cortisol is associated with vascular calcification. So perhaps milk is okay but my high levels of cortisol are definitely not okay. Am I allowed to continue to drink milk for the ready completeness of nutrients and calories which it gives me? How to do I lower cortisol?
Supplements:
Energin - only 20 drops per day - topically
Magnoil - only 20 drops per day - topically
Kuinone - 1 drop every other day - topically
Progest-E - 3 drops before bed on my gums
If you have followed me this far, I thank you so much. My mind is tortured night and day by all that I have written and I long to find peace. I have every intention of getting my life back on track. I will not become a wizened, old, osteoporotic woman. That is not the real me! And so much of what I read on this forum is so very motivating. Thank all of you who keep the forum working so smoothly.
Kindest regards
This is my story. I hope you will not be put off if I admit that I have had anorexia since I was 16. I am now 59, but I still feel young, even though I feel very sick. I have not started to live yet and I long to begin. I am ready to do anything, eat anything, in order to be the best I can be, to give something back to the world. I have allowed anorexia to destroy every area of my life. There has been no let-up, ever. The stress of trying to recover has almost destroyed me. But not quite, which is why I am here now.
In my early 20s, I reached 4 stones on two occasions. Since then I have battled every day to help myself. On an anxiety scale of 1 to 10, I have lived every minute of every day at 8 or more for 30+ years. I am pretty tough and resilient but am not almost without hope and the legacy of physical and emotional distress is almost too much for me to bear. But I have read of stories of recovery on this site, of support given and advice offered, not to mention the amazing wealth of shared knowledge and I wonder if I might tap into this.
I was Paleo for about 20 years (I survived, but hardly thrived), with a brief interlude of Keto (disastrous), but had been eating a high starch diet (oats, rice and starchy vegetables) prior to coming here about six months ago, feeling quite unwell, with horrendous SIBO and many other issues. I had not eaten sugar for 40 years. Now I do, but I have read of Haidut and VisionofStrength and others cautioning those who jump into a 'Peat-like' way of eating without regard to their unique metabolic states. Mine is shot at and I do not know what to do to support it. I am very worried that I am only making a bad situation even worse. What if I am now just overwhelming my liver and building up a non-alcoholic fatty liver and other metabolic disasters? I know so little and, as yet, I feel too unwell to Perceive, Think, Act for myself, but this is my goal.
My morning oral temperature is 36.4/36.5
Later in the morning = 36.7 - this is the highest all day
Blood pressure = 103/63 (I feel very dizzy)
Pulse = 63
Six months ago, having been eating sugar and dairy for only six weeks:
TSH = 1.32 mu/L
Serum cholesterol = 5.5 mmol/L
Serum TG = 2.92 mmol/L
Serum ferritin = 259 ug/L (ref: 14 - 186). I was eating about 300 g ground beef daily.
HbA1c = 44 mmol/L (ref: 20-41). I have never been under 40 for the last 10 years, even when I ate NO starch and only a small amount of dark chocolate.
Blood glucose = 5.5 (early morning)
I am underweight at 43.5 kg (96 lbs), 5'4", BMI about 17. It is uncomfortable to sit and lie down. My ribs are prominent. I have muscle wastage.
I experience CONSTANT anxiety/adrenaline flow on a massive scale (because I do not know how to heal myself and fear the dreadful consequences of living in this wired and undernourished state). I feel short of breath and dizzy, my heart is pounding and my nerves are alive.
I have peripheral neuropathy which began in my feet and is now in my arms and hands. Has my body catabolised my myelin sheath as a result of undernourishment over so many years or is this another manifestation of extreme anxiety/adrenaline flux. Am I short on some B vitamins? Are my electrolytes very out of balance?
I experience constant MASSIVE HUNGER - should I listen to this message and just eat more, but more of what? I have learned here about the Minnesota Starvation Experiment. I have read posts by Kelj (Abdominal Fat is A Phase Following Calorie Restriction) and her brave journey from under-eating to good health. I want to do the same, but where to start?
Or is excessive hunger just uncontrolled hypoglycaemia? Am I about to tip over into full-blown diabetes driven by cortisol and adrenaline? Can I eat myself out of metabolic disorder into metabolic order?
I have SIBO badly with furred tongue, sticky saliva (starches dreadful) and chronic constipation (all my life). Cascara Sagrada only makes worse (but perhaps I did not take enough. How much?). I rely on magnesium oxide as a laxative (it doesn't always work). Stools mustard in colour and unformed, or nothing at all.
My voice is husky and I have to clear my throat very often. My throat is irritated by refluxed acid - but I think I must surely have low stomach acid?
My liver? I cannot go more than one or two hours without food (in fact I am hungry before I finish eating, almost), but is this just an indulgent craving for sugar? Am I now eating to promote a non-alcoholic fatty liver?
My heart feels to be under enormous stress from anxiety and I fear a stroke. I also fear vascular calcification - how to test?
My muscles feel in a state of rigidity and this is getting worse. I experience spasms daily in my calves. I used to dance and swim and hike and do yoga. I am becoming more and more inflexible, with much muscle wasting (going upstairs takes effort now). This is all causing me HUGE distress. Now I do only a short walk each day, but I do not allow myself to sit for very long at a time. I keep as active as possible around the house.
Ligaments and tendons feel dried out, taut and are prone to frequent injuries which never fully heal and repeat themselves.
I experience histamine flares (severe headaches and flushing and eye pain) which makes food choices (especially proteins, bone-broth and fruit juices very limited - probably mast cell dysregulation.
Severe osteoporosis (diagnosed mid-20s). T score minus 4.5. I am very fearful of spontaneous fracture. (Jennifer, I have read your amazing logs from beginning to your last post. You inspire me greatly. The simplicity and nourishment of your current diet of mostly goat's milk and cheese, I think, attracts me very much, but I think I might be consuming already too much calcium).
No mediation for bones. No menstrual cycle from ages 18-35. About 10 cycles from 35-50. Regular monthly cycles from ages 56-58 when my weight was above 45kg. This is the magic figure for me. I may even have enough stored eggs to cycle more if I can get my weight up to 45kg again and then more. My major goal.
Organic Acid Test, ten months ago, showed high oxalates. I have unwittingly eaten a high oxalate diet all my life, so now very wary of many green vegetables, glycine, collagen and dark chocolate, etc.
Sleep - poor. I crash out from mental exhaustion at 10.45 p.m. but wake always at 2.00 a.m. After that sleep is very fitful as anxiety rules with rapid heartbeat and early-morning sweats. I do not eat through the night.
I am ashamed to be able to list all the above. I cannot believe that this is where I have ended up, having tried so hard to achieve recovery over so many years.
My overriding concerns are:
What and how much to eat to gain weight and strength and metabolic vitality
How to decrease adrenaline and cortisol surges - do I eat my way out of these states and with what foods?
How to respond to cravings for sweet, energy-laden foods, without promoting diabetes and damaging my liver?
How to manage peripheral neuropathy?
How to improve digestion and assimilation?
I do not think the label anorexic applies to me any longer, but orthorexic certainly does. I do believe, however, that I can find my way out of this, even this late on.
If there is someone here who could help me to save my life, I feel that I could breathe again and my anxiety levels would begin to reduce already. What a wonderful thing it would be to have confidence in what I am eating. Such a relief.
What I eat:
7.30 a.m.
120 g frozen mango (warmed)
360 mls hot goat's milk, semi-skimmed, pasteurised, with 1/2 tsp sugar and few grains salt, 1 tsp instant coffee
1 raw egg yolk (egg whites set off headaches)
15-20 g raw, honey
10.30 a.m.
Repeat as above
1.00 p.m.
200 g very sweet stewed apple
100 g ground beef - most of the fat skimmed off
360 mils hot goat's milk with 1/2 tsp sugar, few grains salt, 1 tsp coffee
15-20 g raw honey
25 g white chocolate
4.00 p.m.
25 g white chocolate
360 mls hot goat's milk with 1/2 tsp sugar, few grains salt (no more coffee for rest of day)
6.30 p.m.
1 large sweet pear (warmed)
Carrot salad with tsp olive oil and tsp apple cider vinegar, salt
40 g Feta cheese
15-20 g raw honey
360 mls hot goat's milk
25 g white chocolate
10.00 p.m.
25 g white chocolate
360 mls hot goat's milk with 1/2 tsp sugar and few grains salt
1 oz ox liver every other day
Cannot eat fish or oysters re bad histamine reactions - headache etc
Cannot drink OJ ditto
Surely I am eating too much sweet food i.e. chocolate and honey but I cannot resist and would eat more if I did not restrain myself sharply. I am driven to eat these foods and this upsets me because it must be a bad thing to do.
Whatever I eat, I feel dizzy and hungry and anxious. It is so very hard to live whilst all this is going on continuously.
I am hardly comfortable physically after eating so much food but I do not imagine that the process of refeeding can ever be a comfortable experience.
But if someone here tells me to change, I will do so.
Cronometer:
2,400 calories
115 g protein
280 g carbs
89 g fat
Calcium 2,900 mg
But am I consuming too much calcium? In his article, 'Calcium and Disease: Hypertension, organ calcification, & shock, vs respiratory energy', Dr. Peat says:
'When cells are stressed or dying, they take up calcium, which tends to excite the cells at the same time that it inhibits their energy production, intensifying their stress. A cramp or a seizure is an example of uncontrolled cellular excitation. Prolonged excitation and stress contribute to tissue inflammation and fibrosis.'
I fear this is me and perhaps this explains the tightness and cramping in my body. It is fibrosis and I am putting myself at risk of a stroke.
But I also understand that excessive cortisol is associated with vascular calcification. So perhaps milk is okay but my high levels of cortisol are definitely not okay. Am I allowed to continue to drink milk for the ready completeness of nutrients and calories which it gives me? How to do I lower cortisol?
Supplements:
Energin - only 20 drops per day - topically
Magnoil - only 20 drops per day - topically
Kuinone - 1 drop every other day - topically
Progest-E - 3 drops before bed on my gums
If you have followed me this far, I thank you so much. My mind is tortured night and day by all that I have written and I long to find peace. I have every intention of getting my life back on track. I will not become a wizened, old, osteoporotic woman. That is not the real me! And so much of what I read on this forum is so very motivating. Thank all of you who keep the forum working so smoothly.
Kindest regards
