The Perks Of Being Neurotic

OP
Integra

Integra

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118
what causes this? i get it too
The best way to figure it out, I think, is to simply watch yourself at times when you get the eyelid twitch. What are you doing? What are you thinking? What are you trying NOT to think about? Are there people any around? Why, why, why... You can also look into biological roots of the issue: it could be a mineral deficiency (low magnesium generally causes muscle twitching), low sodium, or something else. RPF is heaven for mapping those out. Eye strain from staring at a screen is also a possible contributing factor, etc.

But the psychological roots are to me more interesting. Whenever you have an involuntary facial movement, I would suggest you pay note to which side of the face is involved. If you keep doing this, you might notice patterns of physical reactions, and if they keep reappearing in the same place and follow the same sequence--especially if you don't understand why you feel these sensations--it could be that you are "acting out" a neurotic echo.

The fact that the reaction happens only on side (is asymmetrical) in my opinion means that it is not an integrated response of the whole body; in other words, there's one part of your personality that might absolutely LOATHE what's happening at the moment, while the other one could be acting like an authoritarian parent, going: "Keep quiet." I think that such one-sided facial twitches are the best personality leaks you'll ever see. But beware of relying on this to see whether people are upset because narcissists, speaking from personal experience here, are very good at keeping up a poker face.

Good news, though: your face twitches means that your body is strong enough to be having a sincere reaction of some sorts. :) The (super)ego and higher structures have not completely won over. Yay.

If you're wondering: reaction to what? It's almost always a conflict that on a superficial level seems like a legitimate conflict with your environment, but the truth is, it resonates with a painful experience from the past... And it brings up your reactions from the past. Those might have shaped your current character and entire belief structure (about what should and should not be happening) and now there's a conflict. You cannot respond to the environment the way you want to, or you don't understand why you want to respond in a certain way, or you don't understand why your response is not bringing up the desired results.

That's basically what it means to be "triggered" on a micro-level, I think. I am not sure if there's a faster way to resolve the twitches; but a band-aid for this is put on a social mask for the time being and "roll with the punches" as if you're playing a boxing game. If you take this route, you'd probably have to at one point in the day recall that incident and do a little bioenergetics to shake it out. If your jaw starts shaking in the process you've reached the facial muscles. If you tear up, even better.
 
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Xisca

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There are very few people that enjoy doing this
Yes, all children that talk when the teacher turns her back!
They talk when they want to release preasure.

I think a lot of people enjoy it, but maybe it is not so empty for them, like a glass, it is not empty or full.... In between.

I live near a peaceful trekking path, and most people talk! Why talk about how beautiful is the scenary instead of looking at it only... just to communicate and share. And also because what is "too nice" is difficult to hold inside one alone!
 

Xisca

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The worst thing about neuroticism is its tendency to cause one to ignore his/her gut instincts and suffer the consequences.
When it is too strong, you just CANNOT connect to the body, as it can re-traumatise, or actívate so strong that you would dissociate/freeze!
That is why some soft and titrated method are best.
 

Xisca

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that pulsating/melting feeling followed by warmth. Is it the increased blood flow? Reduced muscle tension? Stimulation of the nerve cells? I don't know, but it's truly wonderful
yeah! It does not matter, actually, it is just a change in the nervous system, and it TAKES CARE of you! It is highly intelligent. Just notice what happens and what it feels iin the body, as much as you can. Integrate any good change and feel any good state, so that it can be remembered by the body. IYour nervous system does its best in your body. Even symtoms are the best it can do at the moment. That is great to have methods that help regulating what has been disregulated...

Yes, TRE, S.E. and many more method work on the same basis.
I tried TRE, just very boring for me, I guess it is nice to do in group. I would not do it on a regular basis just because I am not good at any routine. SE is not boring, but it is not easy to do on your own.
 
OP
Integra

Integra

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118
Relax now

Relax for a moment: it's true, you're a dunce
those who claim otherwise have either been told lies
or never turned blue, never choked, never died
This is a world for bastards born only once

(Not for impersonal echoes on the periphery)

And if you're a Herocard*
you gotta deal with it. Process your resentment,
cover the stench of it with smiles and perfume
Puke it out somehow to hide your disrespect,

or don't: intelligence begets mockery.

Anxiety fans the rainbow, covers all land.
Tight and compressed rule and
will try to repress, but like a wall-climbing plant
Herocards have to expand, expand

Chew their rules, set them on fire all the while
nod in agreement like a good Jester does.
We're not sycophants but polydentities
(talent: disassociate but rewire with ease)

Relax now for a moment: yes, we're a little broken
It's our badge of honor to be a special snowflake
We're staring at types pointing at a token
With our angry smiles we must be better, or more fake?

Got no choice but to swim through the mud
----
*Herocard = Hero + Coward
 
OP
Integra

Integra

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Messages
118
It's so funny. The more taboos I broke, the better I felt.

The more I did what I wasn't supposed to be able to do, the more I became able.

The more I went to places I didn't belong and had no place for going to, the less I felt the need to go anywhere.

The more unwelcome I felt, the more I welcomed myself. I had to.

The more I lost hopes of belonging anywhere, the more I started to belong to myself.

The more I tried to make boring things fun, the more fun I had doing boring things.

The more salt I licked, the less puffy I got. Haha. This was the funniest experiment, and the most scariest one. Imagine being taught that salt is poison and then starting to eat poison as long as it tasted good. That's how it was for me. Poison tasted great, and I grew a chiseled face despite being hypo and a mouth-breather as a kid.

The more protein I ate, the less hungry I became. It's so liberating to simply eat when hungry. Without poisoning myself. I CAN JUST EAT

The more selfish I grew, the more selfless in action I became. I only like other selfish people now. Almost everyone preaching self-sacrifice in my experience is a hypocrite. Action taken out of love doesn't feel like sacrifice at all. It's not even about you. You'll choose methods that are less about you being a good person and more about what the other needs. You'll refuse to rely on existing skills if there are other, better ways to do things. Pride has no place in genuine action out of love. That's how love forces people to grow.

The more self-absorbed and reflective I became, the more I learned to be in other-focused states of mind. In an out. In and out. You need to be able to switch attention between both and inhabit them comfortably no matter what's going on.

The more responsibility I took, the freer I felt. Those two are brother and sister. Removing yourself from responsibility is a shadow form of freedom. It's not satisfying. But denying yourself freedom out of a conventional sense of duty towards others is a shadow-form of responsibility. It's the worst crime against the self. Sometimes unavoidable, though.

The more pain I allowed myself to feel, the less painful it became to feel.

The less I forced myself to "love and forgive," the more I was able to enjoy and understand. That I can: to understand and enjoy. In fact, I learned that I can derive enjoyment even from the most bizarre things. That was another taboo broken--the realization that I can enjoy everything, good and bad.

The more I accepted anger as a demonic fuel for action where sadness would paralyze me, the better I felt about being a monster in tooth and bone. There's a demon in people like me and I don't think it can be exorcized. I think it's harmful and consuming. But it was there to protect me in the first place. So now we're friends and I'm growing more and more comfortable with the fact that I'm a monster. I wish I could do marshal arts, carry a weapon, have superpowers, I wish I had a greater capacity to be more destructive to others. I desperately want to compensate for all these years I was rendered harmless. I'm okay with being intimidating in real life.

The more I realized my part in the troubles--the deep sense of shame of being weak--the less I use anger as a tool to "pull myself up" from those painful feelings. Staying with them is the starting point of change. I can't be authentic unless I do it with shaky legs, with bring along my weakness and shame. Shaky. (A)shamed. Weak. Like salt, pepper and water to chicken soup for the soul. I have a steady diet of that.

The more I'm okay with the accompanying self-pity that follows the solid and unchangeable fact that many bad things happened to me and that I really was a victim, the more playful I feel in the now. Saying it out loud makes me laugh. It kind of turns the world darker, brighter, sharper, everything that happened becomes an asset--daggers turn into playing cards--everything comes and goes and I just throw one hand after another, laughing, though with dark circles under my eyes. I used to point fingers anywhere I could, but you can't tell people's problems by their life-stories. The concept of privilege tells you very little about what burdens and problems someone had to overcome. Rich. Poor. Healthy. Sick. You just don't know. I try to tell myself this every time I grow resentful of stupid people with an easy life.


The more I know, the less power I need. Knowledge is the purest form of power. Knowledge without feeling is sterile. Feeling without knowledge is chaotic and unreliable. As long as Logos and Eros are arm-wrestling rather than walking hand in hand, there's more work to be done.

The more I look around and see persons, the more I feel responsible for them, for everything. It gives me a solid ground to stand on. It makes others walk into my field rather than me walking into other people's paths. Quick to forgive, but also quick to punish.
 

RedStaR

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Joined
Jun 8, 2017
Messages
145
It's so funny. The more taboos I broke, the better I felt.

The more I did what I wasn't supposed to be able to do, the more I became able.

The more I went to places I didn't belong and had no place for going to, the less I felt the need to go anywhere.

The more unwelcome I felt, the more I welcomed myself. I had to.

The more I lost hopes of belonging anywhere, the more I started to belong to myself.

The more I tried to make boring things fun, the more fun I had doing boring things.

The more salt I licked, the less puffy I got. Haha. This was the funniest experiment, and the most scariest one. Imagine being taught that salt is poison and then starting to eat poison as long as it tasted good. That's how it was for me. Poison tasted great, and I grew a chiseled face despite being hypo and a mouth-breather as a kid.

The more protein I ate, the less hungry I became. It's so liberating to simply eat when hungry. Without poisoning myself. I CAN JUST EAT

The more selfish I grew, the more selfless in action I became. I only like other selfish people now. Almost everyone preaching self-sacrifice in my experience is a hypocrite. Action taken out of love doesn't feel like sacrifice at all. It's not even about you. You'll choose methods that are less about you being a good person and more about what the other needs. You'll refuse to rely on existing skills if there are other, better ways to do things. Pride has no place in genuine action out of love. That's how love forces people to grow.

The more self-absorbed and reflective I became, the more I learned to be in other-focused states of mind. In an out. In and out. You need to be able to switch attention between both and inhabit them comfortably no matter what's going on.

The more responsibility I took, the freer I felt. Those two are brother and sister. Removing yourself from responsibility is a shadow form of freedom. It's not satisfying. But denying yourself freedom out of a conventional sense of duty towards others is a shadow-form of responsibility. It's the worst crime against the self. Sometimes unavoidable, though.

The more pain I allowed myself to feel, the less painful it became to feel.

The less I forced myself to "love and forgive," the more I was able to enjoy and understand. That I can: to understand and enjoy. In fact, I learned that I can derive enjoyment even from the most bizarre things. That was another taboo broken--the realization that I can enjoy everything, good and bad.

The more I accepted anger as a demonic fuel for action where sadness would paralyze me, the better I felt about being a monster in tooth and bone. There's a demon in people like me and I don't think it can be exorcized. I think it's harmful and consuming. But it was there to protect me in the first place. So now we're friends and I'm growing more and more comfortable with the fact that I'm a monster. I wish I could do marshal arts, carry a weapon, have superpowers, I wish I had a greater capacity to be more destructive to others. I desperately want to compensate for all these years I was rendered harmless. I'm okay with being intimidating in real life.

The more I realized my part in the troubles--the deep sense of shame of being weak--the less I use anger as a tool to "pull myself up" from those painful feelings. Staying with them is the starting point of change. I can't be authentic unless I do it with shaky legs, with bring along my weakness and shame. Shaky. (A)shamed. Weak. Like salt, pepper and water to chicken soup for the soul. I have a steady diet of that.

The more I'm okay with the accompanying self-pity that follows the solid and unchangeable fact that many bad things happened to me and that I really was a victim, the more playful I feel in the now. Saying it out loud makes me laugh. It kind of turns the world darker, brighter, sharper, everything that happened becomes an asset--daggers turn into playing cards--everything comes and goes and I just throw one hand after another, laughing, though with dark circles under my eyes. I used to point fingers anywhere I could, but you can't tell people's problems by their life-stories. The concept of privilege tells you very little about what burdens and problems someone had to overcome. Rich. Poor. Healthy. Sick. You just don't know. I try to tell myself this every time I grow resentful of stupid people with an easy life.


The more I know, the less power I need. Knowledge is the purest form of power. Knowledge without feeling is sterile. Feeling without knowledge is chaotic and unreliable. As long as Logos and Eros are arm-wrestling rather than walking hand in hand, there's more work to be done.

The more I look around and see persons, the more I feel responsible for them, for everything. It gives me a solid ground to stand on. It makes others walk into my field rather than me walking into other people's paths. Quick to forgive, but also quick to punish.

I know what you speak of. Neuroticism at its finest. I can't overlook the fact that we are also masochistic in nature, as it feeds our sense of purpose and creates life out of stress efficiently.
 

Mary Lyn

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Joined
Dec 22, 2018
Messages
277
Where is Integra? Hats off to another inhabitant of the liminal space, having just arrived.
 

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