Help Breaking The Sexual Performance Anxiety Vicious Circle

[delysid]

I haven't had sex in 4 months, and two days ago I agreed with a girl I met that we'd hook up. That night, massive performance anxiety crept in. Like I couldn't stop thinking about it and I couldn't fall asleep. About how it could go wrong. About what should I do, which best supplements and foods to take. Sky high adrenaline. Same as the next day, while telling myself to relax all the time, breathing, meditating, etc.

I think I have okay testosterone and libido in general (but ofc I want to improve it) and feel comfortable when going out on dates, etc.

The moment arrived, she texted me she was downstairs. My hands were cold and sweating. My back was aching and stiff. Isn't sex supposed to be pleasant and fun?

During foreplay, I relaxed a little bit, but at some point I lost the erection. I focused on the moment again and with some caressing I regained it. I finally could penetrate and 3 seconds later I ejaculated. End of story.

My mind keeps going back to bad sexual experiences, despite all the breathing and meditation and telling myself it'll go alright. Some times it's ED, sometimes it's PE.

Every time it has gone well in the past few years, I'm sure I had drunk quite some alcohol. Or it was the next day, hung over, when it ALWAYS goes fine. (Go figure!)

Since this happens a few times a year (having sex with someone new) is there a substance that can help me here? I read I'd need low adrenaline and high dopamine so something like Phenibut you think would help taking a few hours before the encounter? Phenibut + lisuride? Mirtazapine + caffeine? How do I obliterate adrenaline and have little or no anxiety around sex as I once had?

Or just keep getting drunk whenever I want to see a girl?

I really need to break this anxiety vicious circle. Thanks

 

[danishispsychic]

you missing ingredient that is a stress reliever and performance enhancer is intimacy. if you are just going to keep not connecting your heart with your penis, i think viagra works well and is easy to get . cheers :)

 

[Runenight201]

Do you easily get nervous in other areas as well? Public speaking, being center of attention, first dates, etc?

You could probably take some substances to relieve the anxiety, like magnesium or opiates, but there’s a larger holistic issue here.

Stop having sex until you resolve it. It’s clearly not making you feel good, and I doubt whoever you’re with is having a very pleasant experience either.

 

[milk_lover]

Please don’t take viagra. That thing will hurt you in the long run. Have a low serotonin that mostly come from the stomach before any encounter. So try to reduce starch, especially wheat, for example. Or take charcoal. I find vitamin D and K2 have a numbing effect on the penis, similar to progesterone and pregnenlone. So basically try to reduce those and just take them occasionally if you really want to. Taurine in small amounts is not only good for digestion but it helps with libido I believe even though there was a study saying taurine increases prolactin. I don’t think so.

 

[Dino D]

Dont be afraid of failing... It happens because youre afraid of it... Its a paradox, you have to accept that is not working and not fight against it and it will work... You have acceptations about your self, how you should be, dont have them, be as you are...
I doubt that anybody can implement this in a short time, I have had some similar problems (not about sex in general, but some other stuff (but there were moments when i could not perform haha-great ones , ) and it changed when i came to the breaking point of worrying and being anxious, so i said fxck it, and stopped worrying... The anxiety and worry must not be, it is grounded in your expectations and your imaginations of the worst case scenario that did not even happen... its grounded in your desires of a perfect outcome that MUST happen... fuxk perfect. sex 4 just 3 seconds is also sex and I would enjoy it if I were you... dont worry about the girl and how you look into her eyes at all, if youre creative you can turn the situation into a fun one, or even a good one, some smooth talk, give her compliments that she is too hot or if you cant get it up, open up, tell her, show her that youre a human, afraid, worried, tense, and what not, relax, connect, just cuddle, give it time and maybe sex will happen at the end
Also, dont go low calories

 

[HealingBoy]

you missing ingredient that is a stress reliever and performance enhancer is intimacy. if you are just going to keep not connecting your heart with your penis, i think viagra works well and is easy to get . cheers :)

I really emphasize on this.

If you're into performance, you're not in love / intimacy, and vice-versa. Do it with someone you know she won't judge you, someone with whom you have opened up (in both ways).

Forget supplements, it's not the answer. If it's really an issue, find a good therapist and work on this.

 

[DaveFoster]

dates

The darkness itself triggers a stress response, which can compound with performance anxiety.

I finally could penetrate and 3 seconds later I ejaculated. End of story.

Impressive. How's your refractory period?

Alcohol has disassociative properties, and those who drink temporarily distance themselves from the pain of existence, which could include sex with a lack of intimacy.

 

[Amazoniac]

The darkness itself triggers a stress response

On the other hand..

With the lights out it's less dangerous.

 

[bromuda]

I used to experience the same thing. It resolved when I got a steady sexual partner that I could relax with. Sounds like a confidence issue also, I don't how much diet plays a role, do more stuff that builds your overall confidence up.

 

[Braveheart]

you missing ingredient that is a stress reliever and performance enhancer is intimacy. if you are just going to keep not connecting your heart with your penis, i think viagra works well and is easy to get . cheers :)

 

[Douglas Ek]

I haven't had sex in 4 months, and two days ago I agreed with a girl I met that we'd hook up. That night, massive performance anxiety crept in. Like I couldn't stop thinking about it and I couldn't fall asleep. About how it could go wrong. About what should I do, which best supplements and foods to take. Sky high adrenaline. Same as the next day, while telling myself to relax all the time, breathing, meditating, etc.

I think I have okay testosterone and libido in general (but ofc I want to improve it) and feel comfortable when going out on dates, etc.

The moment arrived, she texted me she was downstairs. My hands were cold and sweating. My back was aching and stiff. Isn't sex supposed to be pleasant and fun?

During foreplay, I relaxed a little bit, but at some point I lost the erection. I focused on the moment again and with some caressing I regained it. I finally could penetrate and 3 seconds later I ejaculated. End of story.

My mind keeps going back to bad sexual experiences, despite all the breathing and meditation and telling myself it'll go alright. Some times it's ED, sometimes it's PE.

Every time it has gone well in the past few years, I'm sure I had drunk quite some alcohol. Or it was the next day, hung over, when it ALWAYS goes fine. (Go figure!)

Since this happens a few times a year (having sex with someone new) is there a substance that can help me here? I read I'd need low adrenaline and high dopamine so something like Phenibut you think would help taking a few hours before the encounter? Phenibut + lisuride? Mirtazapine + caffeine? How do I obliterate adrenaline and have little or no anxiety around sex as I once had?

Or just keep getting drunk whenever I want to see a girl?

I really need to break this anxiety vicious circle. Thanks

I would say having more sex with the girl will help you over come the anxiety. If she likes you it’s better to actually come clean and say you’re nervous and that your thought patterns stops you from feeling any pleasure. Most girls can relate to this just that it’s not that detrimental for their sexual function like it is to us men. I did struggle briefly with this with my current girlfriend. I talked with her about it and eventually you will get comfortable and move past it. But of course it can happen again. As soon as you think that its not gonna work its not gonna work. You have to stop thinking that shes going to judge you. Its completely normal.

 

[Douglas Ek]

I used to experience the same thing. It resolved when I got a steady sexual partner that I could relax with. Sounds like a confidence issue also, I don't how much diet plays a role, do more stuff that builds your overall confidence up.

This. Another thing is that a small dose of alcohol before has previously helped me boost libido. 1-3 units. More than this and it starts inhibiting performance.

 

[methylenewhite]

Yohimbine. Valerian root. Pentoxifylline.

 

[ecstatichamster]

I find what works here is to focus only on your own pleasure. You have to think, who cares about her. Just focus on your own sensation. This takes practice. But then it’s all about your sensation and pleasure and not about getting an erection or “performing”. That really fixes it. The brain takes months to rewire but this is what really works.

 

[TeaRex14]

Don't overthink it, she's probably not putting you on a pedestal to begin with (unless you're secretly Ron Jeremy, lol), so don't put her on one. Taking a hefty dose of l-theanine (500mgs+) before social/sexual interaction will take the edge off your anxiety.

 

[delysid]

Do you easily get nervous in other areas as well? Public speaking, being center of attention, first dates, etc?

No. I'm extroverted and a very social person. Zero issues going on dates, I enjoy it. For example today I approached two random girls sitting next to me at cafés and hit it off. I would obviously be nervous public speaking in front of 1000 people - like most of us.

My issue is specifically with sexual encounters (especially first ones). Before 2016 I had zero anxiety around sex.

Stop having sex until you resolve it. It’s clearly not making you feel good, and I doubt whoever you’re with is having a very pleasant experience either.

I stopped having sex for a few months because of this. I felt great, but at some point you need to confront your issues, not avoid them. Besides working on improving androgens (which seem fine atm) I'm not sure what else to do.

you missing ingredient that is a stress reliever and performance enhancer is intimacy. if you are just going to keep not connecting your heart with your penis, i think viagra works well and is easy to get . cheers :)

Tough love @danishispsychic . "Not connecting your heart with your penis" was definitely this last case but the anxiety situation also happened with girls I had good connection with. Like one girl I was dating last year for like 10-12 times. She was super patient but sex was never good.

The anxiety and worry must not be, it is grounded in your expectations and your imaginations of the worst case scenario that did not even happen... its grounded in your desires of a perfect outcome that MUST happen... fuxk perfect.

Oh yeah definitely. My mind feels strong overall, I'm not depressed or anything, like the subconcious activated a massive adrenaline spike. I should work on communicating to the subconcious to chill out and "expect the worst but hope for the best"

If you're into performance, you're not in love / intimacy, and vice-versa. Do it with someone you know she won't judge you, someone with whom you have opened up (in both ways).

Forget supplements, it's not the answer. If it's really an issue, find a good therapist and work on this.

I'm not in love with this girl specifically. I guess my subconcious fear is "I'll find a great girl and she will run away if I disappoint her in bed" but when I read this it actually makes no sense because if she leaves because of that it means she was not great.

Agree with the therapist, I need this for sure. I see supplements as a "patch" while I take the time to fix the underlying. Now that I think, alcohol is one such substance.

The darkness itself triggers a stress response, which can compound with performance anxiety.

This last encounter was at 3pm and it was sunny outside. I was even out sunbathing before she arrived.

If she likes you it’s better to actually come clean and say you’re nervous and that your thought patterns stops you from feeling any pleasure.

Dude I love this. Would you "come clean" before having sex or after, if it "didn't go well" ? I think this will be part of my strategy.

small dose of alcohol before has previously helped me boost libido. 1-3 units. More than this and it starts inhibiting performance.

Not my case. I have been quite drunk and performed really well. Damn, that perform word doesn't sound good. OTOH i have had a few shots of vodka and things went south.

so don't put her on one. Taking a hefty dose of l-theanine (500mgs+) before social/sexual interaction will take the edge off your anxiety.

There is another discussion on the forum about weird effects of theanine in libido. My current thinking is that I have good libido in general but it's being displaced by a temporary adrenaline surge.

So yeah... (1) finding gabaergic/dopaminergic substances to take beforehand –theanine, phenibut, alcohol, maybe aspirin/caffeine, lisuride, etc–, (2) being honest with the girl about my nervousness, (3) slowly working on all this with a therapist.

Appreciate everybody's input!

 

[delysid]

I find what works here is to focus only on your own pleasure. You have to think, who cares about her. Just focus on your own sensation. This takes practice. But then it’s all about your sensation and pleasure and not about getting an erection or “performing”. That really fixes it. The brain takes months to rewire but this is what really works.

Oh man I love this. I have to be patient but I see how it could work. Thank you! I get the "who cares about her" in a good way...

 

[Douglas Ek]

No. I'm extroverted and a very social person. Zero issues going on dates, I enjoy it. For example today I approached two random girls sitting next to me at cafés and hit it off. I would obviously be nervous public speaking in front of 1000 people - like most of us.

My issue is specifically with sexual encounters (especially first ones). Before 2016 I had zero anxiety around sex.



I stopped having sex for a few months because of this. I felt great, but at some point you need to confront your issues, not avoid them. Besides working on improving androgens (which seem fine atm) I'm not sure what else to do.



Tough love @danishispsychic . "Not connecting your heart with your penis" was definitely this last case but the anxiety situation also happened with girls I had good connection with. Like one girl I was dating last year for like 10-12 times. She was super patient but sex was never good.



Oh yeah definitely. My mind feels strong overall, I'm not depressed or anything, like the subconcious activated a massive adrenaline spike. I should work on communicating to the subconcious to chill out and "expect the worst but hope for the best"



I'm not in love with this girl specifically. I guess my subconcious fear is "I'll find a great girl and she will run away if I disappoint her in bed" but when I read this it actually makes no sense because if she leaves because of that it means she was not great.

Agree with the therapist, I need this for sure. I see supplements as a "patch" while I take the time to fix the underlying. Now that I think, alcohol is one such substance.



This last encounter was at 3pm and it was sunny outside. I was even out sunbathing before she arrived.



Dude I love this. Would you "come clean" before having sex or after, if it "didn't go well" ? I think this will be part of my strategy.



Not my case. I have been quite drunk and performed really well. Damn, that perform word doesn't sound good. OTOH i have had a few shots of vodka and things went south.



There is another discussion on the forum about weird effects of theanine in libido. My current thinking is that I have good libido in general but it's being displaced by a temporary adrenaline surge.

So yeah... (1) finding gabaergic/dopaminergic substances to take beforehand –theanine, phenibut, alcohol, maybe aspirin/caffeine, lisuride, etc–, (2) being honest with the girl about my nervousness, (3) slowly working on all this with a therapist.

Appreciate everybody's input!

I think coming clean depends. You have to feel yourself but I would try to tell her before like that lately you’ve been feeling a bit of performance anxiety and that it inhibits you. I feel most girls can relate to this. If she doesnt want to take it slow or let you take your time and respect that then move past her. If a girl came clean to you about something like that would you leave her? No one needs a douche like that. Unfortunantly they exist. But no they wont deserve it anyway.

 

[ecstatichamster]

Oh man I love this. I have to be patient but I see how it could work. Thank you! I get the "who cares about her" in a good way...

this is the only thing that works.

You have to really understand this and believe it. Sex is about what YOU feel. Who cares about her.

And the weird thing is, women like a guy who is this way because with most men, she feels pressure. With you, there is no pressure on HER to act like she is having a good time, orgasm etc., because you don't care.

This is really the only thing that cures this issue. Just realizing that it's only you anyway. And who gives a f*** if you aren't having an erection, if you are having a good time. It's perfectly easy and possible to have a great time sexually and not have an erection.

If she is a new girl and if she doesn't like it, then she isn't the one anyway. Who cares what women think.

This is what works.

 

[DaveFoster]

My issue is specifically with sexual encounters (especially first ones). Before 2016 I had zero anxiety around sex.

Generally if you find that an issue interferes with some function, in your case, anxiety in regards to sex, then resolving the issue, anxiety, may restore some of the lost function. Some anti-anxiety drugs boost the libido; buspirone has been paired with testosterone to treat female sexual dysfunction for instance.

Yohimbine. Valerian root. Pentoxifylline.

Yohimbine can enable marathons, and not the running variety. The drug has very interesting properties. It blocks the alpha-1 adrenoreceptor and inhibits the sensitivity of the penis, and it can treat the symptoms of premature ejaculation. Similarly, yohimbine also antagonizes the alpha-2 adrenoreceptor, which opposes erectile dysfunction and restores the ability to orgasm.