Started a new job last week, same industry as I left my previous (t0xic) job in, Architecture.
I just can't be happy stuck in an office all day starring a computer making fairly pointless drawings but I've spend 10 years getting to this point and I don't really want to quit.
At the same time doing it ' just because' is dumb and the terrible pay and high stress makes zero sense because even in a ideal world where people were helpful to new team members, it doens't make me happy.
I dream about becoming a postal worker, walking in the fresh air, being my own company and not stuck in a single room all day, starring at computers. I think it would be better working in my own space alone.
Maybe an an introvert, I didn't speak much today during out office lunch out and I don't really speak much at home, unless the mood strikes.
I worked in retail for 8 years and I had quite a good energy surrounded by thousands of people daily even though it wasn't what I would dream of doing I was mostly happy there. (left to work in Architecture). The pay makes it impossible to ever do anything in life, travel, move out, have hobbies.
Most days I space out and imagine walking in dense forests, mountains and beaches, listening to music, breathing with not a care in the world. Just living. Just being human.
For a long, long time I've suspected that I'm somewhat depressed, I know not every day is going to be good but I can't find peace with anything.
I was unemployed for a few months last year, spend most of my time stuck at home (it was winter) and started exercising which was good. If I left my job nothing would really change except I'd be broke. I won't be happy and I don't know if a new job will be better. Away from office and computers seems the only choice for a proper change.
I'm writing this thinking about the movie 'Into the wild', something that made me think and cry for days on end. Why can't I just live in a wood? Escape from the high frequency of modern day living. Coming home to watch crap on the TV. I have no friends except my for my twin and I think I prefer it that way.
Quite often I put myself down, almost falling on purpose so people can tell me that I'm not really good at anything.
Music helps a lot, we have a terrible internet radio on at work and nothing says "same ***t" as hearing the same songs 6 times daily. Headphones are a no-go and I wouldn't feel comfortable blocking out the team who never communicate anyway.
I used to have a spark when I was a kid, out every day gardening for old people which I really liked. I think a lot of modern work is alien for a lot of people. I'm hoping I get the postal job but if I do I'll be pissed because it's only 25 hours a week so I'll never move out of my parents home.
Scrolling through job boards, everything that isn't what I'm currently doing seems so much better. Subjectively that's not true. Most say I'm wasting my life if I'm not doing something mentally challenging because I'm apparently fairly intelligent. I told myself to keep doing Architecture because once I'm qualified (costing £20K) I might be earning a average salary by the time I'm 35.
I just can't be happy stuck in an office all day starring a computer making fairly pointless drawings but I've spend 10 years getting to this point and I don't really want to quit.
At the same time doing it ' just because' is dumb and the terrible pay and high stress makes zero sense because even in a ideal world where people were helpful to new team members, it doens't make me happy.
I dream about becoming a postal worker, walking in the fresh air, being my own company and not stuck in a single room all day, starring at computers. I think it would be better working in my own space alone.
Maybe an an introvert, I didn't speak much today during out office lunch out and I don't really speak much at home, unless the mood strikes.
I worked in retail for 8 years and I had quite a good energy surrounded by thousands of people daily even though it wasn't what I would dream of doing I was mostly happy there. (left to work in Architecture). The pay makes it impossible to ever do anything in life, travel, move out, have hobbies.
Most days I space out and imagine walking in dense forests, mountains and beaches, listening to music, breathing with not a care in the world. Just living. Just being human.
For a long, long time I've suspected that I'm somewhat depressed, I know not every day is going to be good but I can't find peace with anything.
I was unemployed for a few months last year, spend most of my time stuck at home (it was winter) and started exercising which was good. If I left my job nothing would really change except I'd be broke. I won't be happy and I don't know if a new job will be better. Away from office and computers seems the only choice for a proper change.
I'm writing this thinking about the movie 'Into the wild', something that made me think and cry for days on end. Why can't I just live in a wood? Escape from the high frequency of modern day living. Coming home to watch crap on the TV. I have no friends except my for my twin and I think I prefer it that way.
Quite often I put myself down, almost falling on purpose so people can tell me that I'm not really good at anything.
Music helps a lot, we have a terrible internet radio on at work and nothing says "same ***t" as hearing the same songs 6 times daily. Headphones are a no-go and I wouldn't feel comfortable blocking out the team who never communicate anyway.
I used to have a spark when I was a kid, out every day gardening for old people which I really liked. I think a lot of modern work is alien for a lot of people. I'm hoping I get the postal job but if I do I'll be pissed because it's only 25 hours a week so I'll never move out of my parents home.
Scrolling through job boards, everything that isn't what I'm currently doing seems so much better. Subjectively that's not true. Most say I'm wasting my life if I'm not doing something mentally challenging because I'm apparently fairly intelligent. I told myself to keep doing Architecture because once I'm qualified (costing £20K) I might be earning a average salary by the time I'm 35.
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